Status: Complete.
Gray Area
Gray Area
Victoria couldn’t get out the doors fast enough. She shoved at the cold metal bar of the revolving door separating her from the liberating air of the city outside her dreary office building. A gust of cold air mixed with car exhaust and roasted peanuts hit her when the door spit her out onto the sidewalk. People hurried by her in business suits, each man and woman’s head bowed against the wind in their rush to get to their destination. Victoria folded her pea coat closer around her and blinked into the early afternoon sunlight. She knew she shouldn’t have come out into the chilly weather but she had to get out of the stuffy office she spent eight hours of her day in filing paperwork. Taking a deep breath, Victoria stepped away from the building toward a group of two men and a woman huddling around the only trash can outside the building. She didn’t recognize them so she leaned against the wall a few paces away and tucked her hands in her pockets.
“Haven’t seen you in a while,” a friendly male voice startled the young intern from the newspaper stand the trash can kept company on the sidewalk.
A young man stepped into view and leaned over the metal plating he used as a counter. A long brown cigarette dangled between his lips and his dark eyes held a welcoming light as he studied Victoria. The corners of his eyes were crinkled from years of squinting into the morning sun, but he look little older than thirty-five. Victoria rolled her eyes when he smoothed back his cropped dark hair and winked.
“Nice to see you too, Ted,” she waved before shoving her hand back in her coat.
Ted gestured toward the group of three huddled around the trash can shrouded in a fog of smoke, “Last time I saw you, you told me you were quitting.”
“I am,” Victoria muttered.
Ted didn’t look convinced.
“Then why are you out here, hun? ‘Specially after a while month?”
Victoria’s eyes shifted and she pushed a strand of auburn hair behind her ear. She pressed her weight against the wall and shrugged.
“I like just breathing it in, I guess.”
She took a long deep breath in through her nose. The cold sting her nostrils but she didn’t care. It was the other sting she craved. The harsh, warm mixture of ash and smoke that cancelled out the leafy autumn smell permeating the small area in front of the newsstand. She could taste the ghost of tobacco and menthol on her tongue and down the back of her throat. Her muscles instantly relaxed.
“God it’s so good,” she whispered and Ted clicked his tongue, ending her moment.
“This isn’t quitting.”
In the inner recesses of her mind she knew that but she ignored the red flags. After a long morning of taking shit from the higher ups for a mistake she didn’t even make, she needed this.
“How’s business this morning?” she asked with raised eyebrows. “Looks like the papers are flying off the racks today.”
This time Ted rolled his eyes and pulled the sleeves of his worn gray-that-used-to-be-white sweater over his hands. He picked a lighter from the box he kept on the counter, today’s a bright pink one with a peace sign on it, and ran his thumb over the wheel, too slow to ignite the flame but with just enough pressure to make it click a few times.
“You need a light?” Victoria pulled her hand from her pocket and opened her palm to show him a small, square, stainless steel lighter.
“No, but I’ll blow some smoke in your face if it’ll make you feel better,” Ted chuckled and cupped his hands around the cigarette in his mouth. She watched him ignite the pink lighter and the tip of the cigarette burned a fain orange before turning to ash.
Fighting a groan, Victoria leaned closer to him when he let the smoke rush from his nose. She stuffed the lighter back in her pocket and studied her nails. The nails that used to be long and well kept where now stubby and rough. The sun caught the engagement ring glittering on her finger and she spun it so the reflected light from the diamond shone in her dark eyes.
“My fiance, Dennis, wants me to quit,” she sighed while she ran her thumb over the jewel.
“That so?”
Ted blew another spiral of smoke in her direction and she sucked it in eagerly. She felt pathetic standing there huddled in a corner breathing in other people’s fumes, but it was the only way she could smoke without smoking. The only way she could calm her mind without sticking the skinny sticks, her soon-to-be husband was convinced would send her to and early grave, in her mouth. Part of her didn’t care, but she loved Dennis enough to try and break the habit.
Ted cleared his throat.
“You’re lucky you don’t have the cough yet.” The cigarette bobbed between his lips. She couldn’t keep her eyes off it.
“I’m sure it’ll hit me soon. I get sick around this time of year anyway,” her eyes remained glued to the curling tangle of smoke rising from his cigarette.
Ted smiled and turned his head away from her, spitting a loogie onto the sidewalk. He cleared his throat again and sniffed, laughing at the scrunched, disgusted look on Victoria’s face. He shrugged, flicking the long ash that had gathered at the end of his cigarette and squeezed it between his index and middle fingers. When Victoria’s eyes shifted at this movement he rolled his eyes.
“I hope Dennis knows he’s torturing you. That’s fucking cruel.”
“It’s either I quit smoking or he quits me.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I know,” she turned her head as the wind picked, whistling between the buildings and stirring her long hair. “But he’s all I got.”
Frowning, Ted tugged the pack of cigarettes from his coat and held it out to her. She refused it, instead crossing her arms over her chest and nibbling on her already chewed and battered fingernails. A few specks of polish still lingered above the cuticle on her index finger so she scratched it against her teeth to try and peel it off.
Checking his watch, Ted shifted his weight from one foot to another before speaking his mind,
“Why you doing this, hun? It’s unhealthy.”
“I’m an emotional cutter, I guess,” she shrugged. “Or maybe I’m just masochistic.”
he shook his head. “That’s not funny.”
“I know…it’s pathetic.” But she couldn’t lose Dennis. No matter how much she hated her sad ritual, she couldn’t. She’d quit smoking for him. It was the least she could do. Especially after he’d relocated all the way across the country just to be with her. She had to sacrifice something for him too. Ted just wouldn’t understand. The skeptical look on his face already told her as much.
“You’re not pathetic. People go through this all the time. It sucks. But, Dennis has no right to force you through this if you don’t feel strong enough to endure it. Why are you out here anyway?”
Victoria pressed her back against the bricks on the side of the building. She didn’t really want to get into it. He wouldn’t understand her relationship, she barely did sometimes. She twirled the ring around her finger and bit her lip. Ted lit another cigarette.
“Dennis’ mom died of lung cancer a few years ago. He’s been anal about me smoking ever since. I guess it makes sense,” she picked at her nails, avoiding Ted’s eyes. “but it’s also hard to kick.”
He nodded, chewing on the plastic filter he stuck on the end of all his smokes. A slow plume of poison spilled from between his lips and she took a deep breath in, letting herself relax again. Her eyes caught the light on the glass front doors of the office. Somewhere in there Dennis was probably wondering why she’d disappeared from her desk again. He liked to make sure she wasn’t sneaking off somewhere to get a quick fix of her nicotine like she was some jonesing drug addict. Shivering, she frowned, that was exactly how she was acting.
As if on cue her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket.
“it’s him, isn’t it?” Ted raised his eyebrows and leaned forward on the balls of his feet as Victoria pulled the phone from her pocket.
“Indeed it is.” The screen read three simple words from her hubby. ‘Where r u?’
Taking a deep breath she tapped out a response, telling him she got caught up in the Starbucks a few blocks away. This little fib bought her time to breathe in the rest of Ted’s second cigarette before she had to rush back inside to her fiance and her job. She groaned.
“Its really not worth the suffering,” Ted assured her and flicked the wheel on his lighter.
“‘Specially cold turkey.”
“Drop it, Ted.”
“Then tell me why you’re really out here, why you torture yourself when you obviously don’t want to?” he persisted, rocking forward so he leaned out over the counter.
Victoria Chewed the inside of her cheek. Because she loved her fiance. Because she was afraid of what might happen if she broke her promise. Because if she lost Dennis she was sure her life would fall apart at the seams. Because she hated being an intern and she hated that Dennis had such a hold on her. Because she just wanted to smoke.
“I have no idea, I just do. When did this turn into a therapy session?” she snapped, squeezing her phone in her fist.
Ted shrugged, “Sorry, hun.”
“Why don’t you tell me about you? I don’t see you revealing to me anything about yourself, Ted.”
“Touche. But I’m just a guy who sells newspapers outside your office building,” he grinned.
“Fine,” she pulled out her lighter, clicking it open and closed, the flame flickering on and off with each tink of steel against steel.
Ted watched her carefully. He could see her shivering under the pea coat she always wore. She’d dubbed it her smoking jacket until she stopped coming out to his stand. Ted watched Victoria play with her engagement ring. Her fingers trembled while her lighter clicked in her hand. The trio of employees glanced in their direction clearly annoyed with the incessant clinking. Reaching over the counter and grabbing her hand, Ted slid the lighter from it and added it to the box beside his elbow.
“Give it back,” she held her hand out for it.
“No.”
“Ted—”
“It’s annoying your coworkers,” he nodded toward the group a few feet away still huddled around the trash can.
Her hand trembled in the space between them.
“Please give it back,” she pleaded.
Ted shook his head and smiled. He knew his idle flirtation annoyed her. He liked how her cheeks flushed when she was cold and pissed off. Victoria tried to grab the box on the counter but he blocked her, clicking his tongue again.
“Come on!” She stomped her foot and placed her hands on her hips. He shook his head and pointed a finger at her, his face stern.
“You might not want to tell me why you’re out here torturing yourself with this shit, but you can’t half ass this either. Either you quit for yourself, or you smoke. There’s no gray area.”
“There’s always gray area,” she pouted at him. “Please give me my lighter, I have to go. Dennis will get paranoid if I don’t show up soon.”
“Okay, think about what you just said and ask yourself if he’s really worth it. If he is, I better not see you by this stand again unless you’re buying a newspaper, hun.”
“Okay, Dad,” she chuckled, the sarcasm dripping in her tone. “Give me my lighter.”
Ted grabbed her lighter from the Bic box and held it out to her. He gave a close-lipped smile before turning and disappearing to the other side of his stand where someone had tapped the service bell. Victoria glanced down at her hand expecting to only see a lighter. The shrink wrap of Ted’s pack of cigarettes crinkled in her palm and the top popped open. There was one left. One more skinny stick of the relaxation she craved four times a day every day for going on fifteen years. Her eyes fixed on it but her cell phone vibrated in her pocket.
“Shit,” she grumbled under her breath and flipped it open with her free hand. It was Dennis again. This time the text was longer. ‘Starbucks better not mean smoke break.’
She felt guilty for all of the five seconds it took for her to snap her phone closed and return it to her pocket. It was her choice and Ted was right. She couldn’t half-ass it. Either she smoked or she quit. Swallowing, Victoria pulled the last cigarette from the pack and rolled it between her thumb and index finger. In her other hand she gently touched the engagement ring that rested warm against her ring finger.
“It really shouldn’t have to be one or the other,” she breathed, sticking the cigarette between her lips and flipping open her lighter. “One more isn’t going to kill me.”
The flame licked around the end of the paper, sending a shiver down Victoria’s spine. She wasn’t sure if it was anticipation or the cold of the morning but she didn’t mind. A long twisting plume of smoke rose from the tip of the cigarette and Victoria closed her lips, trapping the smoke in her mouth. Closing her eyes she tasted the menthol burning her insides. She let the smoke linger in her lungs before letting it flood from between her lips. Flicking the ash to the ground she took another pull and leaned back against the wall. Pulling out her phone she hit the reply button on Dennis’ text and typed out what was on her mind.
‘Actually it did. I’m sorry. We’ll talk later.”
“Haven’t seen you in a while,” a friendly male voice startled the young intern from the newspaper stand the trash can kept company on the sidewalk.
A young man stepped into view and leaned over the metal plating he used as a counter. A long brown cigarette dangled between his lips and his dark eyes held a welcoming light as he studied Victoria. The corners of his eyes were crinkled from years of squinting into the morning sun, but he look little older than thirty-five. Victoria rolled her eyes when he smoothed back his cropped dark hair and winked.
“Nice to see you too, Ted,” she waved before shoving her hand back in her coat.
Ted gestured toward the group of three huddled around the trash can shrouded in a fog of smoke, “Last time I saw you, you told me you were quitting.”
“I am,” Victoria muttered.
Ted didn’t look convinced.
“Then why are you out here, hun? ‘Specially after a while month?”
Victoria’s eyes shifted and she pushed a strand of auburn hair behind her ear. She pressed her weight against the wall and shrugged.
“I like just breathing it in, I guess.”
She took a long deep breath in through her nose. The cold sting her nostrils but she didn’t care. It was the other sting she craved. The harsh, warm mixture of ash and smoke that cancelled out the leafy autumn smell permeating the small area in front of the newsstand. She could taste the ghost of tobacco and menthol on her tongue and down the back of her throat. Her muscles instantly relaxed.
“God it’s so good,” she whispered and Ted clicked his tongue, ending her moment.
“This isn’t quitting.”
In the inner recesses of her mind she knew that but she ignored the red flags. After a long morning of taking shit from the higher ups for a mistake she didn’t even make, she needed this.
“How’s business this morning?” she asked with raised eyebrows. “Looks like the papers are flying off the racks today.”
This time Ted rolled his eyes and pulled the sleeves of his worn gray-that-used-to-be-white sweater over his hands. He picked a lighter from the box he kept on the counter, today’s a bright pink one with a peace sign on it, and ran his thumb over the wheel, too slow to ignite the flame but with just enough pressure to make it click a few times.
“You need a light?” Victoria pulled her hand from her pocket and opened her palm to show him a small, square, stainless steel lighter.
“No, but I’ll blow some smoke in your face if it’ll make you feel better,” Ted chuckled and cupped his hands around the cigarette in his mouth. She watched him ignite the pink lighter and the tip of the cigarette burned a fain orange before turning to ash.
Fighting a groan, Victoria leaned closer to him when he let the smoke rush from his nose. She stuffed the lighter back in her pocket and studied her nails. The nails that used to be long and well kept where now stubby and rough. The sun caught the engagement ring glittering on her finger and she spun it so the reflected light from the diamond shone in her dark eyes.
“My fiance, Dennis, wants me to quit,” she sighed while she ran her thumb over the jewel.
“That so?”
Ted blew another spiral of smoke in her direction and she sucked it in eagerly. She felt pathetic standing there huddled in a corner breathing in other people’s fumes, but it was the only way she could smoke without smoking. The only way she could calm her mind without sticking the skinny sticks, her soon-to-be husband was convinced would send her to and early grave, in her mouth. Part of her didn’t care, but she loved Dennis enough to try and break the habit.
Ted cleared his throat.
“You’re lucky you don’t have the cough yet.” The cigarette bobbed between his lips. She couldn’t keep her eyes off it.
“I’m sure it’ll hit me soon. I get sick around this time of year anyway,” her eyes remained glued to the curling tangle of smoke rising from his cigarette.
Ted smiled and turned his head away from her, spitting a loogie onto the sidewalk. He cleared his throat again and sniffed, laughing at the scrunched, disgusted look on Victoria’s face. He shrugged, flicking the long ash that had gathered at the end of his cigarette and squeezed it between his index and middle fingers. When Victoria’s eyes shifted at this movement he rolled his eyes.
“I hope Dennis knows he’s torturing you. That’s fucking cruel.”
“It’s either I quit smoking or he quits me.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I know,” she turned her head as the wind picked, whistling between the buildings and stirring her long hair. “But he’s all I got.”
Frowning, Ted tugged the pack of cigarettes from his coat and held it out to her. She refused it, instead crossing her arms over her chest and nibbling on her already chewed and battered fingernails. A few specks of polish still lingered above the cuticle on her index finger so she scratched it against her teeth to try and peel it off.
Checking his watch, Ted shifted his weight from one foot to another before speaking his mind,
“Why you doing this, hun? It’s unhealthy.”
“I’m an emotional cutter, I guess,” she shrugged. “Or maybe I’m just masochistic.”
he shook his head. “That’s not funny.”
“I know…it’s pathetic.” But she couldn’t lose Dennis. No matter how much she hated her sad ritual, she couldn’t. She’d quit smoking for him. It was the least she could do. Especially after he’d relocated all the way across the country just to be with her. She had to sacrifice something for him too. Ted just wouldn’t understand. The skeptical look on his face already told her as much.
“You’re not pathetic. People go through this all the time. It sucks. But, Dennis has no right to force you through this if you don’t feel strong enough to endure it. Why are you out here anyway?”
Victoria pressed her back against the bricks on the side of the building. She didn’t really want to get into it. He wouldn’t understand her relationship, she barely did sometimes. She twirled the ring around her finger and bit her lip. Ted lit another cigarette.
“Dennis’ mom died of lung cancer a few years ago. He’s been anal about me smoking ever since. I guess it makes sense,” she picked at her nails, avoiding Ted’s eyes. “but it’s also hard to kick.”
He nodded, chewing on the plastic filter he stuck on the end of all his smokes. A slow plume of poison spilled from between his lips and she took a deep breath in, letting herself relax again. Her eyes caught the light on the glass front doors of the office. Somewhere in there Dennis was probably wondering why she’d disappeared from her desk again. He liked to make sure she wasn’t sneaking off somewhere to get a quick fix of her nicotine like she was some jonesing drug addict. Shivering, she frowned, that was exactly how she was acting.
As if on cue her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket.
“it’s him, isn’t it?” Ted raised his eyebrows and leaned forward on the balls of his feet as Victoria pulled the phone from her pocket.
“Indeed it is.” The screen read three simple words from her hubby. ‘Where r u?’
Taking a deep breath she tapped out a response, telling him she got caught up in the Starbucks a few blocks away. This little fib bought her time to breathe in the rest of Ted’s second cigarette before she had to rush back inside to her fiance and her job. She groaned.
“Its really not worth the suffering,” Ted assured her and flicked the wheel on his lighter.
“‘Specially cold turkey.”
“Drop it, Ted.”
“Then tell me why you’re really out here, why you torture yourself when you obviously don’t want to?” he persisted, rocking forward so he leaned out over the counter.
Victoria Chewed the inside of her cheek. Because she loved her fiance. Because she was afraid of what might happen if she broke her promise. Because if she lost Dennis she was sure her life would fall apart at the seams. Because she hated being an intern and she hated that Dennis had such a hold on her. Because she just wanted to smoke.
“I have no idea, I just do. When did this turn into a therapy session?” she snapped, squeezing her phone in her fist.
Ted shrugged, “Sorry, hun.”
“Why don’t you tell me about you? I don’t see you revealing to me anything about yourself, Ted.”
“Touche. But I’m just a guy who sells newspapers outside your office building,” he grinned.
“Fine,” she pulled out her lighter, clicking it open and closed, the flame flickering on and off with each tink of steel against steel.
Ted watched her carefully. He could see her shivering under the pea coat she always wore. She’d dubbed it her smoking jacket until she stopped coming out to his stand. Ted watched Victoria play with her engagement ring. Her fingers trembled while her lighter clicked in her hand. The trio of employees glanced in their direction clearly annoyed with the incessant clinking. Reaching over the counter and grabbing her hand, Ted slid the lighter from it and added it to the box beside his elbow.
“Give it back,” she held her hand out for it.
“No.”
“Ted—”
“It’s annoying your coworkers,” he nodded toward the group a few feet away still huddled around the trash can.
Her hand trembled in the space between them.
“Please give it back,” she pleaded.
Ted shook his head and smiled. He knew his idle flirtation annoyed her. He liked how her cheeks flushed when she was cold and pissed off. Victoria tried to grab the box on the counter but he blocked her, clicking his tongue again.
“Come on!” She stomped her foot and placed her hands on her hips. He shook his head and pointed a finger at her, his face stern.
“You might not want to tell me why you’re out here torturing yourself with this shit, but you can’t half ass this either. Either you quit for yourself, or you smoke. There’s no gray area.”
“There’s always gray area,” she pouted at him. “Please give me my lighter, I have to go. Dennis will get paranoid if I don’t show up soon.”
“Okay, think about what you just said and ask yourself if he’s really worth it. If he is, I better not see you by this stand again unless you’re buying a newspaper, hun.”
“Okay, Dad,” she chuckled, the sarcasm dripping in her tone. “Give me my lighter.”
Ted grabbed her lighter from the Bic box and held it out to her. He gave a close-lipped smile before turning and disappearing to the other side of his stand where someone had tapped the service bell. Victoria glanced down at her hand expecting to only see a lighter. The shrink wrap of Ted’s pack of cigarettes crinkled in her palm and the top popped open. There was one left. One more skinny stick of the relaxation she craved four times a day every day for going on fifteen years. Her eyes fixed on it but her cell phone vibrated in her pocket.
“Shit,” she grumbled under her breath and flipped it open with her free hand. It was Dennis again. This time the text was longer. ‘Starbucks better not mean smoke break.’
She felt guilty for all of the five seconds it took for her to snap her phone closed and return it to her pocket. It was her choice and Ted was right. She couldn’t half-ass it. Either she smoked or she quit. Swallowing, Victoria pulled the last cigarette from the pack and rolled it between her thumb and index finger. In her other hand she gently touched the engagement ring that rested warm against her ring finger.
“It really shouldn’t have to be one or the other,” she breathed, sticking the cigarette between her lips and flipping open her lighter. “One more isn’t going to kill me.”
The flame licked around the end of the paper, sending a shiver down Victoria’s spine. She wasn’t sure if it was anticipation or the cold of the morning but she didn’t mind. A long twisting plume of smoke rose from the tip of the cigarette and Victoria closed her lips, trapping the smoke in her mouth. Closing her eyes she tasted the menthol burning her insides. She let the smoke linger in her lungs before letting it flood from between her lips. Flicking the ash to the ground she took another pull and leaned back against the wall. Pulling out her phone she hit the reply button on Dennis’ text and typed out what was on her mind.
‘Actually it did. I’m sorry. We’ll talk later.”