I'm Always on My Knees for You

Josh had a secret. It was one of those secrets you cant even tell a best friend, one of those secrets that ate you alive. He knew he needed to tell someone before it became too much of a problem, though it was a big enough problem already. Day in day out he would spend his time binging and throwing it all up... I guess to feel control over something as his life fell down the drain. If he was not getting high or looking to get a fix he was right there by his fall out plan… bulimia.

***Josh’s P.O.V.***

I woke up tired as ever and, as usual, felt the need to get a quick morning fix.
‘Where should I go to get it today?’ was the only thing in my mind, since I still owed money to my dealer.

There was something so romantic about addiction; I just could not put my finger on it. Was it the support of knowing it's always there or knowing you can hide from people with it? I don’t know, I guess no one really does know in the end; just good assumption made by people who think they know what they’re talking about.

I went to see Helen first to ask her for some cash seeing as how I blew all mine the night before last.

“Helen, can I borrow some cash for today? I’m totally broke.”

“Josh, I cannot keep doing this for you, you need to stop and get some help.” She spoke seriously at me. Helen was the only person I had told about the situation, though others had their suspicions. She was the only person I could trust with anything.

“I know I know… I’ll start seeing someone soon, I promise.”

“You told me the same things last week Josh… It's not getting any better. When was your last hit?”

“I know Helen…Sorry. Last hit was yesterday at lunch.”

“Save the apology Josh, I’m not the messed up one right now.” Helen too had her problems. She had the occasional crack night and a really bad mutilation problem; I had one too but mine not half as bad as hers.

“Yeah, ‘right now’ being the operative term. You need help just as much as I do, just for different reasons.”

“I do not need help Josh; this is how I’m choosing to deal with my life right now-“
I cut her off.
“I really, really don’t think it’s the best way though, Helen.”

She scoffed. “You’re one to talk, you think you can tell me what to do when the reality is you’re just as fucked as I am; if not more!”

She hung up on me. I began to feel sick to my stomach as I just managed to fight with, offend and anger my best friend and it was only 11 in the morning… This is going to be a long day.

I couldn't take the frustration I had no control over, so I made my way to the bathroom ran the razor across my wrist a couple of times and finishes with thirty minutes of purging, My throat hurt so bad by the time I had finished I just went to bed and prayed the next day could perhaps be easier.