Away From Everything We Fear

Lacey:

“Do you always wear jeans like no matter how hot it is?” I asked with a laugh as I twisted my pointer finger in one of his belt loops to pull him closer to me.

He swatted my hand away with a chuckle. “Yeah, pretty much. You get pretty used to it.”

“Hmm… it’s kind of strange.” I looked up at him and grinned.

I loved that he was so much taller than me. My head went perfectly under his chin. Whenever he hugged me I could lean securely against him and he’d place his chin on the top of my head. We had gotten to the point where simple contact was necessary between us. I was growing more and more attached to him. I knew it wasn’t healthy but I didn’t really care.

He laced his fingers with mine loosely and swung it carelessly as we walked along University Blvd. on the U of A campus.

“So this is where you’ll be going to school in the fall.” John asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m excited yet nervous.”

“There’s nothing to be nervous about it’s just a new learning experience.”

I dropped his hand and stopped. “Yeah, um… that’s not really what I’m nervous about.” I admitted.

He stopped to stand directly in front of me and his tall figure casted a shadow across my worried face. He gave me a questioning stare.

“Then what are you nervous about?”

“My parents.” I said simply.

John glanced over to where Chloe and Jeremy were talking. They turned away pretending like they hadn’t been listening to our conversation.

“Hey, I’m just gonna talk to Lacey a bit. Do you think you guys think you can give us a minute?”

“Of course.” Chloe said with a small smile. She grabbed Jeremy by his bicep and led him away toward the Student Union.

John nodded his head toward the benches that were shaded by small Palo Verde Trees, these peculiar trees that were green from root to leaf, even the park was a dull shade of green. We sat on the bench next to each other, not very close though as if he was giving me my space. He waited for me to speak. I took his right and held it in my lap.

“I haven’t exactly told my parents that I’m going to school here. They don’t even know that I applied.”

“Why?”

I looked up at him.

“I mean why haven’t you told them? Why don’t they know?”

I didn’t know why this was so hard to admit to John. “I know that if I were to tell them they wouldn’t approve. They don’t want me to go to the U of A they want me to go to ASU.”

He lifted his dark Ray Bans to the top of his forehead so that I could see his smoldering green eyes. Slowly, he reached up and took off my sunglasses and tucked them at the front of his shirt. He searched my eyes.

“You know you’re gonna have to tell them right? And sooner would be better than later.”

I stood up out of I don’t know what—frustration, anxiety. John stayed on the bench and looked up at me not knowing what to expect.

“Do your parents accept you for who you are and support you in everything you do?” I asked, but it came out sounding like I was demanding and answer. I ran a shaky hand through my hair. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just… I have never lived up to my parent’s expectations no matter how hard I try and during my senior year I just lost it.”

I turned away. I had never admitted this to anyone.

“Everything I did was never good enough. All I’ve ever wanted was for them to be proud of me. I felt like I was living in the shadows of my brothers and sister, only getting attention when it was to tell me what I was doing wrong.”

I turned back around to look at John. I blinked back tears not really in the mood to cry over something I had wasted so many tears on already.

“Do you know what that feels like?” I asked. “To feel like you’re a failure in everything?” I shook my head. “Nevermind. You don’t have to answer.”

It was strange how this fun day in Tucson had suddenly changed to this therapy session. I guess John was just easy to talk to. I knew it was more than that though. I trusted him.

He stood up and grabbed my hands bringing them together in front of him. The look he gave me was one of sorrow and I couldn’t take it. I felt my eyes well up with tears. I pulled away quickly and found myself saying one of the words that I always made me cringe.

“Fuck.” I muttered. I let go of John’s hand and turned away to wipe under my eyes.

Despite how I was feeling, John let out a small laugh. I turned to look at him a in confusion. He took a step towards me and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

“You shouldn’t cuss it just doesn’t suit you.” He said with another laugh.

I felt my self letting out a small chuckle as I wiped away anymore loose tears. John rubbed his thumb across my cheek. “Please don’t cry.” He whispered.

I nodded. “Okay, I’m done crying.”

I hadn’t fully told John everything. He didn’t know the entire story behind my tears, but we were supposed to be having fun today, not having some sob session.

I gave him a small smile that he returned, relief washing over his face.

I grabbed his hand so that we could find Jeremy and Chloe.

“Let’s getting something to eat. I’m starving.”



John:

“Who the hell are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Chloe said with wonder as Lacey led us into the small restaurant.

I had to admit. I was a little taken aback myself. The restaurant she had taken us to was not your average place… well to put it bluntly, it was hookah bar. The walls were covered in different pot related things. Marijuana leaves, hookahs, smoke, even Bob Marley and Jamaican colors every where. It didn’t help that everyone in here looked so mellow probably because they were high on the very thing that this restaurant was advertising.

Lacey’s cheeks turned a light shade of dewy pink.

“I kind of ran away last year and got food here.” She tried to say it indifferently, but I could tell there was more to the story than that. “Give this place a try though. I know it looks bad, but the food is really good.”

“Yeah, that’s probably put a little special ingredient in it.” Chloe said as she glanced at the menu above us.

“Hey, I wouldn’t mind.” Jeremy said with a laugh.

“They aren’t allowed to do that and they don’t. I asked last time.” She added.

My eyes scanned the window. Places like this weren’t new to me. Being on the road so much you found yourself trying out a lot of different food places. I just couldn’t believe that Lacey knew about a place like this.

“Do you want to share something with me?” Lacey asked.

“Sure, what’s good?”

Lacey started talking about all the things she’s tried and that’s when I realized she hadn’t just been here once, but several times.

“Does that sound okay?” She asked. I didn’t hear what she had said, too consume with my thoughts about this girl that seemed to be hiding a lot of secrets. There was a lot more to her than meets the eye. She gave me a questioning stare, still waiting for my answer.

I nodded my head up and down. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

I started to look at her differently. I couldn’t help it. Here was this overly sheltered girl who liked to drive over two hours to Tucson to go to places like this. It seemed a little reckless and I knew about being reckless. I watched as Lacey filled her cup and laughed when she filled it too much and the excess soda poured over her hand. She looked up at me with a grin.

I made my way over to her with a stack of napkins and wiped her hands.

She laughed. “Thanks. I’m such a klutz.” She paused and looked into my eyes. “Something’s wrong… what’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. You’re just really adorable.”

She pushed my hand away with a faint blush on her cheeks. “Don’t say that.”

I shrugged. “Fine. You’re hideous.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock. She shoved my arm with a smile creeping back to her lips. “Well, don’t say that either.” She stopped laughing. “And I know you’re lying.”

We got back to the table with the drinks when Lacey said that. We sat down next to each other in the booth across from Lacey’s friends.

“What?” I asked with a laugh. I didn’t know if she was referring to me calling her hideous or what.

She took a sip of her soda without looking at me she answered. “When I asked you what was wrong and you said nothing. I know you were lying.”

“Is that so?” I asked before taking a bite of the sandwich. I almost choked on how amazing it was.

She grinned. “Told you. This place is totally worth it. So are you really going to tell me what was wrong?”

I looked up at Chloe and Jeremy who were once again pretending not to listen, but how could they not when they were sitting right in front us. Lacey grabbed my hand under the table.

“So, Chloe are you and Jeremy dating now.” She said with a laugh completely changing the subject.

Chloe scooted closer to Jeremy and wrapped her arm around him. “Oh, you know it.” The three of them busted out laughing and I didn’t know why.

Jeremy looked at me. “I’m gay, dude.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t known that.

And just like that we started talking about other things.

It was almost five in the afternoon and the sun was still hot in the sky. The sun wouldn’t set until eight tonight. That’s what I loved most about summer, the days were so long, a lot could be done, but that also meant the night’s were short and I loved the night life.

We all piled back into Jeremy’s car and started making our way back to Phoenix.

“Do you think you can come over tonight?” Lacey asked.

I was sitting to the far right in the back seat of the car. Lacey was laying down on her back with her head in my lap and her knees bent. I ran my fingers through her soft brown hair lightly. I really wanted to come over to her house tonight, but that question held a lot of different meanings to it. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out what I had been bothering me earlier or something else. The truth was I wanted to see my mom and talk to her about Lacey.

I didn’t usually talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, but I had never dated a girl like Lacey before. Everything was so different. I didn’t know what to do.

“I’m tired of being alone in that house. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

She shifted her head so that she could look up at me. I looked down at her with a smile.

“Of course I’ll come over tonight.”