Away From Everything We Fear

Lacey:

“So do you want to explain what this is all about?”

I brought the coffee mug up to my lips and took a sip as I continued to stare at the rising sun. My mom certainly didn’t waste anytime coming over to talk to me. But that was only because she knew I was an early riser.

“Good morning to you too, mother.” I said to the window.

My mom smoothed down her already flat hair. “Jesus, Lacey, I fee like I don’t even know who you are lately.”

She came over and sat down next to me on the window seat. In front of me she placed the letters. There was a stack of probably five letters from the University of Arizona. I stared down at them without saying anything.

“So you’re going to U of A… when were you planning on telling us.”

I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.” And I really didn’t. I finally looked at my mom. “I just figured when the time presented itself, it would just happen.”

My mom then gave a look that I had grown to dislike. It was one of distaste, one of pure disapproval. Needless to say, I had seen it way too many times… but I still wasn’t used to it and I still hated seeing it. She pursed her lips. “I guess I always figured you’d be the one.”

I sat up straighter and finally looked her in the eye. “What do you mean?”

She looked at me sadly. “Why can’t you just be like your brothers and sister? Why must you always be so difficult? And now you’re boyfriend…”

She didn’t even bother finishing the sentence.

I didn’t know how to respond. A part of me was upset. Why did she have to say it so sadly? Why did she have to make it seem like I failed her. I mean she was still my mother. I still loved her, and it hurt to be the one she was disappointed in, but didn’t I deserve to live my own life? I didn’t understand why I had all this pressure placed on my shoulder. I was the baby of the family, weren’t all the kinks supposed to be worked out by now? Instead it seemed like my parents still didn’t know how to raise a child properly.

You aren’t supposed to treat them like a failure.

You are not supposed to make them feel like shit for doing what they wanted.

I looked at my mom sadly and could feel the back of my throat getting tight at what I was about to say next. “Do you have any idea how much it sucks to be your daughter?”

It didn’t even come close to coming out the way I wanted. I sounded like a pathetic teenager full of resentment, teen angst, but how else was I supposed to get it out? It did suck. Maybe there were better words to describe it, but to me it fit. To my mother… I knew she wouldn’t understand the emotions behind that simple question.

Her eyebrows furrowed together. I watched as an array of emotions crossed her face as she tried to understand what I meant. First, anger. Her face heated up and her mouth settled into a pout, but then her eyes clouded over in confusion as she watched my eyes slowly fill with tears. Finally, her face settled into a look of sadness.

“I’m a good mother.” It came out as a question, as if she was trying to convince herself. I could tell that she was hurting.

“No, you’re not.” I stood up and began walking away. I leaned against the kitchen counter and steadied my voice. “All my life I’ve lived under the shadow of Jett, Christian, and Grace. And if that wasn’t hard enough, I never did anything wrong, but was still treated like I did. I have spent every waking second trying to live up to the daughter you want me to be, but I’m never good enough. I’m never going to be good enough will I?”

My mother turned away from me and glanced out the window. For that I was grateful. I really didn’t want to see her upset. “Do you want to know a secret?” She said to the window.

In all honesty, no, I didn’t want to hear a secret. Learning a parent’s secret was like walking in on your parent’s having sex. It wasn’t right.

I bit my lip and stared at the back of my mom’s head. “If you really want to tell me.” I said tentatively.

She turned to face me with tears in her eyes like I knew there would be. It pained me to know I was the one that caused them. “I know exactly what you’re going through.”

My eyes widened. I stayed silent and let her continue.

“When I was younger, I think I was 23 and about to enter grad school, I met the love of my life.” She lifted her eyes slowly and revealed to me the ghost of her past. “He was an environmentalist that was set on changing the world and I really believed he would. We would have so much fun together to the point where I would do anything for him. Then one night I almost ran away with him. Being with him was probably the most alive I have ever felt.” Tears started to fall from her eyes. “But I didn’t have the courage, Lacey. I didn’t go with him. My parents never found out about him, about the things we did—nothing. Then they introduced me to your father and I settled for him.”

She sniffled and wiped underneath her eyes.

I took a half-step towards her, but then retreated. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. “Why did you tell me that?”

She shrugged. “I don’t really know. I guess you just remind me a lot of myself. All I ever wanted was to raise my kids to be the best they could be, but I never forgot those nights I felt alive. I want my kids to have that too. Then I got trapped into this cycle of putting your kids in the best programs possible, to make them the best possible.” Her eyes bore into mine as if she was begging me to understand. “It’s like a competition, Lacey. Who’s child will turn out to be the most successful?” She remarked bitterly.

My heart ached for her mother’s confession. I really had no idea. I sat down next to my mom and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her break in my arms as a fresh wave of tears fell onto my shoulder. “I miss him so much.” She said quietly.

I could hear the regret in her voice and found it weird that she had brought the conversation back to that guy, her first love.

Was she trying to tell me something about John?



John:

“I feel like you’re spending more time here then you do you own place.” My mom said with a chuckle.

I flashed her a fake frown and furrowed my eyebrows. “That’s not true.”

She started to rummage through the cupboard as she looked for ingredients to something she’d be making for dinner. I watched her silently. What she had said was true though. I felt like I was regressing into my teenage self. Always coming to my mom for advice. The guys always gave me shit for it too. It hadn’t been normal when I was a teen and it sure wasn’t normal for a twenty-three year old.

My mom turned around and eyed me. “What’s on your mind?”

I shrugged. “A lot. I’ve just been really contemplative lately.”

She raised an eyebrow, but allowed me to continue.

“Have you ever done something that just feels right?” I paused as I struggled to think of a way to say this. “It’s like you can’t think of doing anything else, because you know in your heart that it’s supposed to be.”

My mom nodded. “Like you and your music.”

I nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly!” My mom laughed at how exited I was getting, but that’s what always happened when I understood something.

“I’m guessing you aren’t talking about music though.” My mom always knew me. I couldn’t explain how she did it, but it was like she always understood what I was going through, sometimes even what I was thinking. “It’s about Lacey.” She said simply. I could tell she knew all along why I had come over.

“Yeah, it’s Lacey.” I admitted. I looked up at my mom slowly and our eyes connected. I could tell that she was really concerned about my relationship with Lacey, because I was always worrying about it. “When I first met her, it was like an instant connection.” I had told her this before, but it was like I was trying to remind myself. “Mom, I fell so hard… I can’t even explain how or why, but every second away from her is spent thinking about her. She’s so different from me though, in every way possible. Sometimes it bothers me how different we are, but I know it bothers her even more. It’s like she’s afraid.

“But that’s not right, is it? She shouldn’t be scared to be with me. Sometimes I feel like she’s ashamed of me. But I’m just me. You know that, mom, and I’m never going to change. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to change even if I wanted to. I can’t think of ever being anyone other that John Cornelius O’Callaghan the fifth. So why do I still feel like I’m not good enough for her?”

I had finally come to the conclusion that was bugging me so much. Was I not good enough for Lacey?

My mom turned the stove to low and let whatever she was cooking simmer. She took a seat next to me and patted my shoulder. “Maybe she’s not good enough for you.”

I immediately shook my head at that possibility, but I couldn’t deny that I had my head spinning. “She said we were like Gatsby and Daisy. I have no idea who they are.”

My mom looked at me in shock. “She said that? Really?”

“Yeah… why?”

My mom shrugged. “I don’t know. Their relationship was frustrating that’s all.”

“How so?”

“Daisy Buchannan loved Jay, that much is true, but she never expressed it the way Gastby did for her. He spent years getting rich just so that he could impress her. Then Daisy would only see him in secret, but of course she was married and this was in the 1920s so society was a lot different then today, but what makes this story so timeless is what it says about our society between social classes. Maybe it’s a little bit better nowadays than back then, but the same issues are still present.”

“Wait,” I said stopping my mom. “You’ve lost me.”

“Social classes rarely mix.” She explained. “But when they do you know you have true love. When a rich person can accept a not-so rich person for who they are and aren’t afraid to be with them and a not-so rich person can ignore the comments and aren’t afraid to be proud of where they started from—then you have true love.”

“Oh, I get it.”

My mom looked at me sadly. “But Gatsby and Daisy didn’t have true love.”

I sat up straighter. “What the fu—I mean… they didn’t?”

My mind started racing.

“The way the book ends is no where close to yours and Lacey’s relationship though.”

“How does it end?”

“Well a lot of things happen, but ultimately Daisy chooses to stay with her husband, Tom, because it’s easier especially in the situation they are in.” My mom paused. “Wait, let me start over. Gatsby and Daisy were in love when they were younger, but then Gatsby went to war, but before leaving he asked her to wait for him and she said she would. But while in the war, Daisy married Tom. At the end of the book when Daisy and Jay have an affair and Tom finds out Jay wants Daisy to choose him. On the way back home though, Daisy is so conflicted that she accidently hits and kills a woman with her car. Gatsby is willing to take the blame for the death for Daisy, but the husband of the woman that was killed wants revenge. Tom is supposed to meet Daisy at home and Gatsby waits outside for her all night long, but she never comes out. She and Tom decide to put everything behind them. The husband that I mentioned kills Gatsby. And that’s that. Weren’t you supposed to have read that in high school?”

I eyed my mom. “Well, I spark-noted it.”

She sighed, but then laughed. She let her laughter die and looked at me seriously. “Sometimes people live lives that we don’t understand, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand them. Maybe Lacey just needs to understand yours. Maybe she’s trying, but it has to be hard for her. Just be careful. I don’t want to see my boy hurt.”

I nodded. “She told me not to be like Gatsby. She said she didn’t want me to change for her.”

“Then I can already see that she’s worth the fight.”

“You think so?”

My mom got up and looked down at me. Her eyes softened, “You don’t know until you try.”

I leaned back and settled into the chair. If Gatsby and Daisy didn’t have true love then why did Lacey compare us to them? Was it like when people compared themselves to Romeo & Juliet, it was implied to ignore the whole dying part? Did she mean we were to ignore the whole not true love part? Or did Lacey really think that our relationship would never work out just like Jay and Daisy’s hadn’t.

I had to know for sure, but right now I had to meet the guys for our show tonight.