Away From Everything We Fear

Lacey:

I woke up on the couch and was momentarily confused at where I was, but then I remembered that we had been watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory after John had insisted that it was a million times better than the new version, but it must have been during that part where Charlie’s mom sings that awfully boring song that last like ten minutes, when I feel asleep.

I sat up quickly wondering where John, Zack and Izzy were. I’m not gonna lie, I instantly panicked. They were no where to be found and I couldn’t hear them. I walked down the hallway listening for them when I got to my room I saw John laying on the ground on his stomach about to look under my bed.

“John, what are yo—”

“Shh…” He whispered bringing a finger to his lips. “Hmm, I wonder if they’re under—HERE!” John lifted up the bedding covering my bed to reveal Izzy and Zack squealing with laughter. They ran out of the bed into his arms. I just leaned against my wall taking it all in. John picked them up and walked over to me and put Izzy in my arms.

“This little girl,” he said flicking Izzy on the nose. “Is a handful.” Izzy let out a giggle. “It took me forever to get her to go to the bathroom. Oh, and I taught Zack how to pee like a man.”

I let out a laugh, “No, you didn’t. He’s not even tall enough.”

John scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but hey, he’ll thank me one day.”

We started walking to the kitchen. “He’s going to start peeing everywhere.” I told him. “His mom’s going to kill me.”

I glanced at the clock on my stove and saw that it was past noon As John and I sat Izzy and Zack on the counter I asked them if they were hungry. They nodded eagerly so I decided to just warm them up some chicken nuggets and while they ate on the couch watching t.v. John and I ate at the small table in my kitchen.

John held up a chicken nugget and eyed me. “Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” I said with a laugh.

He didn’t say anything, but just watched me eat. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Do you live here by yourself?” He asked.

I swallowed before answering. “Yeah, it’s weird. Believe me, I know.”

He shrugged, “It’s not weird, okay maybe a little. I just feel kind of bad for you.”

I leaned forward actually really curious to why.

“Well, it just seems like you have so much responsibility. The way you walk around this place and take care of it, I just get this feeling that you had to grow up way to fast. Whereas for me, well, I still act like a kid. My mom always tells me I have yet to grow up.” He chuckled before continuing. “Don’t you ever get sick of it? Being here alone?”

I didn’t really know what to say. I guess everything he was saying made sense, but that’s what bugged me. Everything he said was true. I always had this feeling that I somehow missed out on that free innocence that every kid was born with. But John was right; it was like he could see right through me. At a very early age my parents made all these decisions for me, different lessons I had to do—no questions asked. Piano, violin, taking French before I even started when I was four. Then when I was a teen I had to attend all these business meetings to learn what it was like to me a “business man” like my dad. I guess I was grateful, because it made me a well rounded person, but I couldn’t help feeling like I missed a period of my childhood that I would never get back.

“I don’t mind being alone.” I answered lamely, not bothering to answer his other question, because I knew John already knew what the answer was.

He reached across the table and slipped his hand under mine so that my hand was just resting on his. He let his thumb rub across my knuckles. “You want to know something that I never tell anyone?”

“Only if you want to.” My eyes had been stuck on our hands. Slowly, I looked up at him.

He removed his hand to rub his chin as he felt the stubble that had started to grow before he began talking. “Every time I perform I get this aching feeling that I’m alone. I know that doesn’t make much sense, because I’m surrounded by so many people and all the guys are up there with me too, but it’s a feeling that I can’t shake. I think that’s why I like making music so much. I’m trying so hard for people to understand what is going on inside of me and yeah, sometimes when I see all the fans singing back to me I actually feel like they get me, but there are times when I feel like I’m failing, like everything I’m trying to say and make them feel isn’t coming across. Like I said, I feel alone.”

He had been staring out the window as he talked as if he was in some far away place as he finished his eyes went to me. I got up suddenly and walked around his chair so that I was standing behind him. I leaned down and wrapped my arms around his neck before kissing him on the cheek.

“Do you ever think that maybe everyone in this world feels alone and that maybe being alone is our common ground?” I sighed at how hard this was to explain, “It’s like, what if being alone is what makes us all the same. So in reality we aren’t alone, because in thinking we’re alone we’re just like everybody else.”

John laughed lightly. “You sound just as cryptic as I do.”

I stood up, but left my hands on his shoulders. He got up making my arms fall down from his shoulders down his arms and to his hands. He turned to face me.

“Are you making fun of me John O’Callaghan?” I asked with a gasp.

John smiled and was about to answer when I felt someone tugging on my shorts. I turned to see Izzy sucking her thumb staring up at me. John came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist as we looked down at her.

“I wants something sweet.” She begged, her crystal blue eyes getting wide.

“We can make cookies.” I told her.

She clapped her hands. “Yay!” She said in delight.

I looked over at Zack who was standing a few feet behind her being quieter than usual. “What’s wrong, buddy?” I asked.

He smiled nervously. “Nothing. You just look like mommy and daddy.” He said shyly referring to my aunt and uncle.

My body froze at his words. I titled my head to the side to look at John before looking back at Zack unsure of what to say, but before I could say anything Zack ran over to where Izzy was opening the refrigerator.

With a nervous laugh, I detached myself from John and walked over to the kids before crouching down next to them.



John:

I sat on a stool with my elbows leaning on the kitchen counter as I silently watched her show Zack and Izzy how to mix up cookie dough.

I couldn’t deny that I just liked being around her, but there were a lot of things going on in my head. For one, why had she asked Zack and Izzy to keep me a secret? She told them that they couldn’t tell her mom. Why? I mean, I wasn’t ready to meet her parents yet considering Lacey and I were just getting to know each other, but the way she said it—it was like she wanted us to stay a secret for awhile.

Another thing was how grown up she acted even though she was four years younger than me. I couldn’t help but want to take her somewhere and just let her run around like I used to as a kid.

The last thing was the way I was falling for her so fast. It scared me especially her being so much younger. Never before had I connected with a girl so quickly. It was just like everything was natural.

Lacey placed a tray of sugar cookies in the oven and told Zack and Izzy that it would be about 10-15 minutes so they could go watch t.v. again. She looked up at me and grinned.

“Come here.” She told me.

I came up beside her and stared at the ingredients in from of us. She had three separate bowls full of white icing placed in a row.

She looked up at me from the corner of her eye before looking back down at the icing. “Zack wants green, Izzy wants pink, what color do you want?”

I looked at huge array of colors she had. It was like she cooked for a living. Finally I told her, “Um… blue?”

She shoved a small bottle of blue food coloring in my hand and then turned to the two other bowls and added three drops in each. I mimicked her actions and watched as the icing turned to blue as I mixed it in.

“They love decorating their cookies.” She explained. “But why should we let them have all the fun?” Lacey let out a laugh and dipped her finger in my blue icing and stuck it in her mouth pulling out a clean finger. She smiled.

Looking down at her, all those things that had been going through my head vanished. Every time I saw her face, nothing else mattered. She didn’t even notice that I was staring at her and crouched down to peer into the oven window. I felt my leg warm from the heat of the oven after she opened it to pull out the finished cookies.

“We’ll just let them cool a little bit and then we can get to decorating.” Lacey said and she went back to mixing the icing. It was long before the cookies were ready and after Lacey set Izzy and Zack on the counters we started to put the icing on.

It was long before we made a mess.

My eyes narrowed in frustration as I looked down at the cookie in my hand and back to the third one Lacey had just finished. “Fuck!” I yelled as the cookie slipped from my hand and landed icing side down on the floor.

Lacey slapped my arm. “John, please don’t cuss in front of them!” I couldn’t help but notice that she looked rattled her self.

I flashed an apologetic glance at Izzy and Zack who were too preoccupied with the icing on their fingers to even notice what I had just said. I crouched down next to Lacey who was picking up the cookie. “I’ll clean it up.” I told her, but she was already getting a rag and wiping it clean.

She stood up and threw the rag into the sink. “No big deal. Now, here let me show you how the pros do it.”

I watched as she got a scoop of icing and spread it out perfectly. She held up in front of my face. “See? Simple.”

Without warning she shoved it on my nose getting blue icing on the tip. Her entire body began shaking with laughter.

“That’s it!” I dipped my finger in some of the extra icing and swiped it on her cheek.

Her eyes widened in shock before she got some icing of her own and tried to get me back but I just stood on my toes so it went across my neck. She let out a laugh, but it was cut short when I got some icing on her forehead. As she went to try and get me again I grabbed her wrist and brought her close. Her body relaxed when it pressed up against me. Then, I leaned down to kiss when she reached up and licked my nose.

She let out a small smile. “Yummy.” She said simply.

Her eyes narrowed as the focused on me. So I tired again and this time she didn’t stop me as I pressed my lips against hers softly. They moved in rhythm until we heard Izzy and Zack giggle making us pull apart. I kept my arms around Lacey as we turned towards them.

“Isn’t it nap time?” Lacey asked them.

“Nuh uh.” Izzy said shaking her head from side to side, but I could see that her eyelids were droopy. I had never seen anything so cute. Without meaning to I tightened my arms around Lacey and snuggled my face in her neck.

Lacey let out a laugh. “John, that tickles!” Her eyes landed on Zack who was busy munching on yet another cookie. “John, come on let me put them asleep. My mom should be here in a couple of hours anyways and then I can take you home. Your friends probably think I’ve kidnapped and raped you.”

“It isn’t rape if I’m willing.” I whispered in her ear.

She pushed me away rolling her eyes jokingly.

I went to the couch to wait for her to take them to her bed so that they could get a nap. She returned and looked down at me as I tried to stay awake, but I could feel my eyelids getting heavy.

“You weren’t used to getting up so early were you?” She said softly before snuggling up next to me. I put my arms around her lazily. I took in the way she felt next to me and the way her hair smelt making me even more tired.

I didn’t ever want to let her go.