The Truth About Prom Queens and Other Fancy Things.

I pulled up my pants. The material scratched angrily at my leg as I walked to the bathroom. I smiled, as the calming pain got stronger and stronger.

I froze at my open door. The bathroom was past Esther’s room. I thought of ways to sneak by without being noticed. I thought of acting like a burglar and walking on my tiptoes. I giggled quietly at how silly I would look.

I couldn’t tell if her door was closed or open but I was just going to walk by casually. So, I put one foot forward and then the other. I was now outside my room. I turned and took a deep breath.

I felt my heart squeezing tightly as I heard them both giggle at something. I wished I were happy like them.

“Must be nice…” I said while I looked in her room.

Blake was on top of Esther, his massive arms at either ends of her face. Their lips pressed together hard and I just continued to watch.

I slid against the wall so I ended up on my butt. My stomach became queasy. My heart was being pulled out of my chest yet again. Why would anyone do something like this to a Prom Queen?

I knew I wasn’t as pretty or as funny as Esther. But, I knew I still counted in this family. All this time I started to push that away from my mind.

You don’t matter. If he did love you he’d still be with you. Kissing you, touching you gently, squeezing you with his bear hugs, he’d be making love to you. But no, Emma you just had to go and screw everything up. Again. I yelled at myself in my mind.

Blake and Esther didn’t even seem to notice me as my empty eyes watched them. I slowly dug my hand into my back pocket. My trusty dusty serrated knife poked my fingers.

I pulled up the sleeves on my sweater. The tiny pink scars stared up at me. Just the thought of slicing myself open again sent joyful shivers throughout my entire body.

I didn’t care if anyone saw. They now deserved to know what they had done to me. All of them. Helen, Esther, Blake and Jessie all deserved to feel my pain. There was only one way for them to feel that pain.

I took deep breaths as the knife neared my skin. I started to lip sync What Is Love? by Never Shout Never. The guitar and the drums played softly in my head. I went to my happy place as I cut my wrists over and over.

This was something I never did before. Was this a sign of something?

I sang the last thirty seconds softly and I didn’t give a flying fruitcake if they heard. I sucked at singing but this type of singing sounded so desperate for something.

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Blake gave up on my depression and me. I don’t even want to know why. I have no interest in it.

By now you all probably know how the story ended. Yes, I did commit suicide that night. I cut so deep I lost a lot of blood and that was the end of me. The last thing I saw was Esther undressing her tiny body for Blake. A big, greedy smile spread across his face.

I now reside in that hallway. I can’t move on because I have unfinished business with Blake and Esther both. God refuses to let the depressed move on to Heaven. All the happy things make the depressed only more depressed I guess. He rejected me at the golden gates and I came back to this awful place.

I’m guessing it’s a few days later. I see Esther in her room crying her eyes out. Her makeup is running. I cock my head at the sight. Why is Esther upset?

Helen sits besides her, holding her hands softly. “It’s going to be okay Es.”

“No, it’s not!” She screamed back.

A strange feeling built up in me in that moment. I think they are mourning for me. Finally they care and my soul can-

“Blake left me for Jessie, Mom. How will things ever be okay?”

The pit of depression that I was accustomed to only sank deeper in my stomach. I put my head against my knees and cry.

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END