Young
my mistakes.
Ready?
Yep. See you in a few. I typed, pressing send before signing out of my computer and sneaking out the computer room, and out the front door. I tore off running, wearing my purple pajama pants and red t-shirt, with no shoes. I knew how stupid I looked, and I didn't care... and I knew he wouldn't either.
This was becoming a regular occurrence for me. It was summer now, much easier to get away with things. Lately, I had been staying up late, all night talking to Justin, and then sneaking out early in the morning, or even at just past midnight depending on the situation, to crawl in his window and lay in bed with him, exchanging kisses and sweet words.
Justin was my ex boyfriend, but he was more than that. He was my best friend, and my lover, and my... well, he was my everything. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I loved every atom of him, every scar, freckle. Everything. I had seem him at his worst, his best, and every moment in between. He was my first love, and had been since March of 2010, and had been since. We broke up in August, had a few months of sheer hatred towards each other, and then... well, then we started seeing each other again.
I ran up the hill towards his house, socks scrabbling at the gravel. It was one in the morning, and he was waiting for me by his window. Finally, I turned the corner, and started up the damp grass of his front lawn. His house was my second home, only a street away from mine. I had spent so much time there in the past year it was ridiculous. I'd lost my virginity in that house, I'd been broken up with in that house, I'd been in that house before, during or after every major thing in my life. His window was on the left side by the backyard gate, once I was close I saw him standing there, smiling at me.
"Hey." He whispered.
"Hey..." I said, hoisting myself up onto the window. He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me down onto the floor. I rested on his bed, and lay down. He sat beside me, slowly running his fingers through my hair. My breathing was heavy from running. He lifted the covers over me, and slid his arm around my waist.
"Are you having a panic attack?" He asked quietly, moving hair from my eyes.
I shook my head. For as long as I've remembered, when I got stressed, or scared, I had panic attacks. Where I couldn't breath, and I shook, and I felt like I was going to die. I had had them in his presence quite a few times, and he was the only one that could calm me down.
"Good.." He purred, and gently pressed his lips onto mine. I tangled my fingers in his short hair, kissing him.
"I love you.." I said quietly. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I love you too..." He chuckled. I was to the right of him, almost pressed against his wall. He leaned on his side, and looked at me.
"I love you..." I said, eyes closing. I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I love you too."
"I love you!"
"You told me!" He grinned, and I giggled, pulling his face close to mine again, kissing him passionately, holding onto him. I felt his smooth stomach, and his upper arms, and his strong jawline...
Quickly, my purple pajama pants were around my ankles, and he was on top of me. My mind drifted somewhere else, somewhere far away, and I glared up at the ceiling as he pushed, and moved against me. I closed my eyes, digging my nails into the skin of his back. I knew it would be over soon, and then, then he would hold me, and I would feel better. I rarely wanted the things he did, but he got angry when I didn't deliver, even though he tried not to, and so, I just gave him whatever he wanted... everything he wanted.
Finally, he slowed, and got off me, collapsing in a panting heap beside me. I pulled my clothes back on, and curled up beside him, fingers tracing the veins in his neck, where his ear met his jawline, mumbling "I love you"s and kissing his neck, softly, lovingly.
It's sad, how these things happen. How teenage girls fall in love, and fall all over themselves to get under some guy just merely for his approval, and I always said I'd never be that girl... and then I met him. And god, it was an overnight change, almost. I had never been popular, or liked. People made fun of me since I was a little kid, and then he came along, moved in up the street, and the first words he ever said to me were compliments. I fell in love with him so easily. He was the only person that treated me like a human being, and he was the only person that made me feel... well, beautiful. If someone asked me if I was ready for all the things he dragged me into, I would say yes, for lack of a better answer. I would say yes, because I don't like to think about it. I fear thinking about it. I'm a romantic type of girl, I want my happily ever after. I want everything to always be so perfect, and ever since I knew what sex was, I vowed to myself, it was gonna be special. I was going to lose my virginity on a rose petal covered bed in some lacy get up with the man I loved. Not on his couch while his mom went out with Family Guy in the background... but things changed. Truthfully, I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready, and I don't think about it, because I know it'll crush me if I do.
He tangled his calloused hands in my hair, not looking at me, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I don't think I'm going back." He murmured under his breath.
I sat up, propping myself up with my palms on either side of him. I knew what he was talking about, because the mere thought of it made me sick. His home, where he came from. A town quite a few hours north, with girls prettier than me, with friends better than me, with everything I could never be... A town he loved more than he'd ever love me.
"Why not?"
"It's just not going to work..." He said. He sounded so sad, so broken. I pursed my lips and sat up higher, trying to look him eyes but he wouldn't budge from his gaze on the ceiling.
"You'll be okay. You don't need them." I gently cupped my hand around his chin, pulling him so he was looking at me. "And you know why? You're strong, and you won't let the fact that you aren't where you want to be ruin you. Because you're strong, and you'll be okay."
He was quiet.
"I believe in you, Justin... I... I love you."
"I know."
"And this place isn't so bad.. you could have tons of things here! You could have a job... and girlfriend that loves you..."
He sighed loudly, turning his head. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, Vienna. I don't see us the way you do. I never have, and I never will."
I froze, heart sinking. I knew this was coming. It always did. He always told me how much he loved me, then said he didn't want me anymore. He always did this, but it never made it hurt less. I buried my head in his pillows. "You're just scared."
He shook his head. "I just don't want you."
"No, you're scared. I know you, Justin, and I know you're scared. You're scared of letting go of home, and you're scared of growing up. You're scared of being judged, and you're scared of holding onto something here when you could have something there. You're scared, and you're immature, and you only see what you're prepared to see. And you want to see that this place sucks, everyone here sucks, everything sucks and I'm just a plaything. You only see what you want to see, Justin, and that's your problem."
He just looked at me sadly, frowning. I squeezed him, holding him as tightly as I could. "You're not mine, are you?" I asked quietly, voice shaking.
"Never was." He said roughly. "Not even from the beginning."
I drew back, like his body as on fire, and got out of bed, the opened condom wrapper falling down on the floor beside me. I shuddered, and backed up towards the window.
"You leaving?" He asked, getting out of bed, and wrapping his arms around me. I let him hold me, staring wide-eyed at the posters on his wall, trying to avoid looking at him and letting myself see how beautiful he was. He always did this. He said I was worthless, said he didn't need me, and then came back, fucked me, and left again. I was so scared, too young, too innocent and afraid for this, but I loved him. God, I loved him, and I'd do whatever it took to prove it... and it was killing me.
"Yes."
"You're my best friend..." He mumbled into my neck, lightly kissing my lips while I hoisted one leg out of the window and looked at him.
"You're my best friend too..." I mumbled, dropping down onto the grass on my socked feet. Even though I knew I shouldn't, even though I knew it would kill me more, I pulled his face right up to mine, and made him kiss me. "I love you..."
"I love you too, baby." He smirked, knowing I would fall for it. "Now get out of here before we get caught."
I nodded, and wrapped my arms around myself to shield myself from the cold, heading down the hill back to my house. Halfway down the block, thoughts I'd been shutting out for months and months hit me all at once, worse than a car crash, and I sobbed hysterically, head buried in my hands as I ran for the the backdoor to sneak back into the house, and I couldn't help thinking the same thing over and over..
'You only see what you want to see.
And that's why you don't see me....'
Yep. See you in a few. I typed, pressing send before signing out of my computer and sneaking out the computer room, and out the front door. I tore off running, wearing my purple pajama pants and red t-shirt, with no shoes. I knew how stupid I looked, and I didn't care... and I knew he wouldn't either.
This was becoming a regular occurrence for me. It was summer now, much easier to get away with things. Lately, I had been staying up late, all night talking to Justin, and then sneaking out early in the morning, or even at just past midnight depending on the situation, to crawl in his window and lay in bed with him, exchanging kisses and sweet words.
Justin was my ex boyfriend, but he was more than that. He was my best friend, and my lover, and my... well, he was my everything. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I loved every atom of him, every scar, freckle. Everything. I had seem him at his worst, his best, and every moment in between. He was my first love, and had been since March of 2010, and had been since. We broke up in August, had a few months of sheer hatred towards each other, and then... well, then we started seeing each other again.
I ran up the hill towards his house, socks scrabbling at the gravel. It was one in the morning, and he was waiting for me by his window. Finally, I turned the corner, and started up the damp grass of his front lawn. His house was my second home, only a street away from mine. I had spent so much time there in the past year it was ridiculous. I'd lost my virginity in that house, I'd been broken up with in that house, I'd been in that house before, during or after every major thing in my life. His window was on the left side by the backyard gate, once I was close I saw him standing there, smiling at me.
"Hey." He whispered.
"Hey..." I said, hoisting myself up onto the window. He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me down onto the floor. I rested on his bed, and lay down. He sat beside me, slowly running his fingers through my hair. My breathing was heavy from running. He lifted the covers over me, and slid his arm around my waist.
"Are you having a panic attack?" He asked quietly, moving hair from my eyes.
I shook my head. For as long as I've remembered, when I got stressed, or scared, I had panic attacks. Where I couldn't breath, and I shook, and I felt like I was going to die. I had had them in his presence quite a few times, and he was the only one that could calm me down.
"Good.." He purred, and gently pressed his lips onto mine. I tangled my fingers in his short hair, kissing him.
"I love you.." I said quietly. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I love you too..." He chuckled. I was to the right of him, almost pressed against his wall. He leaned on his side, and looked at me.
"I love you..." I said, eyes closing. I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I love you too."
"I love you!"
"You told me!" He grinned, and I giggled, pulling his face close to mine again, kissing him passionately, holding onto him. I felt his smooth stomach, and his upper arms, and his strong jawline...
Quickly, my purple pajama pants were around my ankles, and he was on top of me. My mind drifted somewhere else, somewhere far away, and I glared up at the ceiling as he pushed, and moved against me. I closed my eyes, digging my nails into the skin of his back. I knew it would be over soon, and then, then he would hold me, and I would feel better. I rarely wanted the things he did, but he got angry when I didn't deliver, even though he tried not to, and so, I just gave him whatever he wanted... everything he wanted.
Finally, he slowed, and got off me, collapsing in a panting heap beside me. I pulled my clothes back on, and curled up beside him, fingers tracing the veins in his neck, where his ear met his jawline, mumbling "I love you"s and kissing his neck, softly, lovingly.
It's sad, how these things happen. How teenage girls fall in love, and fall all over themselves to get under some guy just merely for his approval, and I always said I'd never be that girl... and then I met him. And god, it was an overnight change, almost. I had never been popular, or liked. People made fun of me since I was a little kid, and then he came along, moved in up the street, and the first words he ever said to me were compliments. I fell in love with him so easily. He was the only person that treated me like a human being, and he was the only person that made me feel... well, beautiful. If someone asked me if I was ready for all the things he dragged me into, I would say yes, for lack of a better answer. I would say yes, because I don't like to think about it. I fear thinking about it. I'm a romantic type of girl, I want my happily ever after. I want everything to always be so perfect, and ever since I knew what sex was, I vowed to myself, it was gonna be special. I was going to lose my virginity on a rose petal covered bed in some lacy get up with the man I loved. Not on his couch while his mom went out with Family Guy in the background... but things changed. Truthfully, I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready, and I don't think about it, because I know it'll crush me if I do.
He tangled his calloused hands in my hair, not looking at me, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I don't think I'm going back." He murmured under his breath.
I sat up, propping myself up with my palms on either side of him. I knew what he was talking about, because the mere thought of it made me sick. His home, where he came from. A town quite a few hours north, with girls prettier than me, with friends better than me, with everything I could never be... A town he loved more than he'd ever love me.
"Why not?"
"It's just not going to work..." He said. He sounded so sad, so broken. I pursed my lips and sat up higher, trying to look him eyes but he wouldn't budge from his gaze on the ceiling.
"You'll be okay. You don't need them." I gently cupped my hand around his chin, pulling him so he was looking at me. "And you know why? You're strong, and you won't let the fact that you aren't where you want to be ruin you. Because you're strong, and you'll be okay."
He was quiet.
"I believe in you, Justin... I... I love you."
"I know."
"And this place isn't so bad.. you could have tons of things here! You could have a job... and girlfriend that loves you..."
He sighed loudly, turning his head. "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, Vienna. I don't see us the way you do. I never have, and I never will."
I froze, heart sinking. I knew this was coming. It always did. He always told me how much he loved me, then said he didn't want me anymore. He always did this, but it never made it hurt less. I buried my head in his pillows. "You're just scared."
He shook his head. "I just don't want you."
"No, you're scared. I know you, Justin, and I know you're scared. You're scared of letting go of home, and you're scared of growing up. You're scared of being judged, and you're scared of holding onto something here when you could have something there. You're scared, and you're immature, and you only see what you're prepared to see. And you want to see that this place sucks, everyone here sucks, everything sucks and I'm just a plaything. You only see what you want to see, Justin, and that's your problem."
He just looked at me sadly, frowning. I squeezed him, holding him as tightly as I could. "You're not mine, are you?" I asked quietly, voice shaking.
"Never was." He said roughly. "Not even from the beginning."
I drew back, like his body as on fire, and got out of bed, the opened condom wrapper falling down on the floor beside me. I shuddered, and backed up towards the window.
"You leaving?" He asked, getting out of bed, and wrapping his arms around me. I let him hold me, staring wide-eyed at the posters on his wall, trying to avoid looking at him and letting myself see how beautiful he was. He always did this. He said I was worthless, said he didn't need me, and then came back, fucked me, and left again. I was so scared, too young, too innocent and afraid for this, but I loved him. God, I loved him, and I'd do whatever it took to prove it... and it was killing me.
"Yes."
"You're my best friend..." He mumbled into my neck, lightly kissing my lips while I hoisted one leg out of the window and looked at him.
"You're my best friend too..." I mumbled, dropping down onto the grass on my socked feet. Even though I knew I shouldn't, even though I knew it would kill me more, I pulled his face right up to mine, and made him kiss me. "I love you..."
"I love you too, baby." He smirked, knowing I would fall for it. "Now get out of here before we get caught."
I nodded, and wrapped my arms around myself to shield myself from the cold, heading down the hill back to my house. Halfway down the block, thoughts I'd been shutting out for months and months hit me all at once, worse than a car crash, and I sobbed hysterically, head buried in my hands as I ran for the the backdoor to sneak back into the house, and I couldn't help thinking the same thing over and over..
'You only see what you want to see.
And that's why you don't see me....'