Capture My Heart

Violet continued to try persuading me to go easy on my friends for the next few days, but I wouldn’t give in.

I hadn’t spoken to any of them since I found out they were only trying to hang again because they didn’t trust me to be alone.

They tried to talk to me, during the day, when I was at home, or when I was by myself but I wouldn’t take their excuses.

They all tried to apologize and convince me they weren’t just keeping an eye on me, but I ignored them until they went away; after all, they had lives. They couldn’t talk to me forever, and I could wait. I had all the time in the world.

Billy asked them to be with me, after he shared that I ‘wasn’t mentally stable right now’ and they’d agreed. End of story.

There wasn’t anything they could say to change what happened, and I just didn’t care.
I wasn’t backwards, and I didn’t need to be babysat. It’s not like I was planning to execute myself any time soon; I needed Violet too much right now for that; but they had no idea so they could all just leave me the hell alone.

“Jake,” Violet asked me suddenly; snapping me out of my thoughts a few minutes after she’d tried again to talk me into forgiving my ‘friends.’

Maybe she was trying a different approach now, but I wouldn’t know…

I had been ignoring her.

Not that I wanted to, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“What?” I muttered dryly, starring out at the tree line.

“How old are you?” she asked suddenly, and I frowned, “Eighteen,” I responded automatically, watching the little frown pucker on her lips the way it does when she’s displeased. It made me confused, and I wondered what part of the conversation I’d missed.
It was exhausting trying to keep up with her, even if I was paying attention.

“What? Why?” I asked and she shrugged; her expression was slightly distant, like she was calculating something.

“I don’t know. When is your birthday?” she asked, causing me to frown. “January 14th. Why does it matter?” I repeated, frowning deeper.

Her expression was surprised for a second, but smoothed out. I didn’t dwindle on it; that wasn’t the type of surprise I was expecting from her, and it vanished before I could make a note of it.

She started pacing instead of answering me. “Known for about two or three months so that leaves…” she muttered to herself. Her feet kept tempo against the floor before she stopped walking abruptly. She looked at me funny, like something just crossed her mind that she thought she should’ve realized sooner. My heart started pounding and my pals started shaking slightly for reasons I couldn’t name.

“Jacob?” she asked hesitantly, I frowned at her tone, automatically assuming the worst. “Yeah…” I hedged, while her eyes bore into mine. “How old were you…when the Cullen’s left.”

Oh.

When…Bella…the Cullen’s… left, I had just turned seventeen. “Seventeen,” I answered, causing her to frown while more calculating was done.

“Jake, if you were seventeen then and your almost nineteen now, then you’ve been…er…depressed for at least year and some odd months.” She said gently, while I counted backwards in my head.

That didn’t make any sense though…it hadn’t felt like…damn.

It was.

They had let me sulk for that long, and I hadn’t even known.

Violet was right, always right…they were only stepping up because this’d been going on for so long. It was my fault. Not theirs.

Mine.

Always mine.

“How…” I muttered, frowning into space, my heart beating painfully. Violet fell down beside me, since I was on her bed, and she’d been walking.

I let my head slump against the wall. My whole life was just one big joke wasn’t it? I hope whoever was up there was having fun- because this end is starting to lose it.

Violet rubbed my shoulder, and I grabbed her hand so she could curl into me. Instead of rejecting me like she usually would, she rested her head on my shoulder.

“It’s not your fault Y’know,” she whispered so quietly I had to strain to hear her. “…or your friends fault either for that matter. If you want to blame anyone you might want to start with-”

But I cut her off, releasing her from her hold. I knew what she was going to say, and I couldn’t handle it right now.

“Violet...don’t...please, don’t say Bella.” I begged in a broken voice. Even though I was pretty sure I was falling for Violet, and falling hard- I was still broken.

And I was still painfully in love with Bella Swan, despite the fact that she was gone, figuratively and not.

XxX

I had been in my own world for too long, and I was actually getting sick of it. But still, against my own desires, I started hanging out with the pack more and more often.

I figured if I could at least pretend to be with them, and that if I went along with whatever they had planned (cliff diving, movies, bonfires, whatever) then they’d give me some space. It worked for the most part, and I could sneak off whenever I wanted now without them worrying enough to voice it. They knew I was trying to the best of my ability.

I ignored all my doubts and spent time with the guys. Although I didn’t smile a lot and my mind was always elsewhere but they expected that.
If only they knew.

It was a two way street, leaving Violet for them, because the more I was away from her, the more I snuck out to see her when I cracked. I cracked often, and couldn’t stay away from her for long amounts of time anymore. She was my drug, and I was addicted.
But it was better for me to be away.

I was in love with Bella, but growing feelings for Violet I couldn’t ignore, and that was dangerous.

She was on a hit-list, and I was supposed to be hiding her. Protecting her…I don’t think so, not after I almost lost her. I wouldn’t get my hopes up like that, because if I was really her protector then I would’ve been there, instead of wasting time with Sam.

I could only pray that spending time with Sam now wasn’t going to cause a repeat.

But it didn’t change the fact that I missed her, and I was still sad and angry a lot because they didn’t know me like she did.

I cheated a lot.

And weirder, the last time, I saw her, earlier today actually…something happened.
We weren’t doing anything, not really; she had fallen asleep while watching TV, and I happened to just notice. I looked over at her, and for the tiniest fraction of a second, she wasn’t Violet anymore.

I mean, she hadn’t changed, but my outlook on her did. She was suddenly more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, and knew I would ever see, and she was more important. She shifted my world, turning everything bleak and grey while she was bright and gorgeous.
I had never wanted her more.

But then, just as quick, it was gone, but I couldn’t go back to how it was before. My mind was stuck in that stunning fantasy of having Violet mine. I wanted her at that moment, and Bella was nothing to me for a blissful instant.

I wanted that feeling again.

I wanted to be able to look at Violet with love- actual love, and not just this fluttery feeling she gives me now. I wanted to love Violet in a way that made me forget everything I’d been through.

I had never been so close to imprinting, but I felt like I caught a glimpse today.

And now, with the desire for that painlessness burned in my mind, and the possibility of a way out of this void I was trapped in, a way out that only came with repairing the pieces Bella had torn up and left behind…I wanted it bad.