Capture My Heart

I woke up in the afternoon, cringing as I saw that it was almost four, and wondering what my dad would say to me. Without thinking about it, I got up and walked out. He stared at me wordlessly, but his eyes held disappointment and worry, which was enough that I felt guilty for putting him through this.

He should have to suffer just because I was.

“Where were you Jacob?” were the first words out of his mouth, they were quiet, but had enough force to make me wince.

“I was…at the cliffs again, time got away from me a-and I fell asleep.” I muttered, one lie stuttering into the next. My dad’s fist came down on the table, surprising me.

“You can’t keep doing this Jacob,” he nearly growled, and my eyes widened while I stared him down. “You can’t keep ruining your life just because Bella left, she was never the one for you and she’s not worth throwing everything away.” He continued.

My eyes narrowed, but I still felt the sting as the words lashed out at me. “I loved her.” I muttered, a fraction of my pain leaking into my voice. My dad only sighed, his shoulders relaxing. “I understand that son, I do, but she wasn’t your imprint, and she left; you keep beating yourself up about it and making yourself depressed and it’s just not healthy.” He said, and he was clearly aggravated with me, making me feel so much guilt it was nearly as bad as the pain.

“What do you expect me to do?” I muttered, feeling small. He looked at me again, this time with what could only be pity. His expression had changed; it was calm in a sickening way; it had aged.

“Let her go son, forget about Bella, and try to be you again, you’ve got responsibilities as Alpha, and you can’t let Sam take over forever.”

Did he think I wasn’t trying to? Every day I suffer a little more, and every day I try to convince myself she wasn’t worth it. I try my best, and even that’s not good enough.
Violet’s face immediately popped into my head, while my dad watched the pain spasm across my face with another one of his pity looks.

Stuttering, and shaking I jumped up from my seat. “I-I can’t,” I stuttered, shaking my head in denial and running.

XxX

By the time I got to the cliff I was shaking badly.

Anger coursed through me like a hot liquid, but worse than that, never leaving, was the agony. It hurt so badly, but it was so much worse having it said out loud, to have my problems spelled out like that.

The rain was hard and angry too while I stared out at the water. It matched my mood, each wave slamming against the steep edge in a rhythm to the compression on my heart.

A storm. Perfect.

Why am I so screwed up?

Why can’t I find someone to love me back or at least look at me like I’m not insane or breakable?

For the second time in one day, Violet’s face appeared in my mind, and I shook my head to clear it. I didn’t want to think of her, alone at the Cullen’s and the only thing I had left to live for. I wanted to end it. She’d be okay. I had to believe that.

The wind smacked against my face, taunting me, and I smiled grimly to myself while my eyes slipped closed. It was almost over.

One foot extended, dangling over the edge while I prepared to jump and hoped it would be enough.

“If you’re trying to kill yourself, you should hurry up; there’s a line forming.”
Violet’s voice made me jump, and I jerked around, my eyes snapping open so I nearly toppled over the cliff by accident.

I spun around abruptly, guilt washing through me and leaving a new wound behind. “Vi,” I whispered, and she stepped forward, closing her eyes as if she was the one about to jump. When she opened them, I was surprised to see how much sympathy and compassion they actually held.

“Don’t do it Jake,” she whispered, using my nickname since I was using hers. Hurt was there in her voice too.

She edged forward cautiously, until I was only a foot away from her, and a foot away from the cliff. The conflict; which one was more inviting?

The wind and pouring rain were screaming at me to jump, but Violet’s voice was luring me away. “Don’t do it Jacob, I’ve been there before and trust me, it’s not worth it. You can’t escape your problems that way.”

Slowly, I let my foot edge forward an inch. Violet sighed in relief, and I avoided her gaze. I wasn’t completely out of my trance yet. “How did you know?” I asked, my voice breaking. She smile without emotion, I could see it barely from where my high gaze was.

“I saw you jumping,” she stated bluntly, while I let my gaze snap up from the ground and meet hers. Rain continued to hound on us and I wondered if I heard her right. “I don’t usually see things,” she continued, her feet shifting, while she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself.

“I’m just so used to having you around though, I started getting visions of you more and more often, like just you with your dad, and alone…with me.” Her eyes were almost ashamed, but her voice rang with the depth of her sincerity.

I walked the final distance to her, so we weren’t even an inch apart now, and suddenly the cliff was forgotten.

“Okay, but why did you stop me? We only recently started getting along.” I mumbled while she looked at me through the haze, she bit her lip uncertainly, and then shook her head to clear it. “You’re all I have left Jacob,” she admitted.

Man, did she have that backwards.

She was the only thing in my life, not the other way around. The only time I ever smiled anymore was when I was with her, and I didn’t know anything else.

XxX

“You didn’t really think I was going to let you give up on me,” Violet whispered later. We were at her place again, my soaked jeans and t-shirt in the dryer while I wore my other one, that she’d managed to get the blood off of, and my boxers. I never knew how she was so comfortable with me being undressed around her.

I was lying with my head in her lap, while some TV show was on that neither of us was watching and she was running her fingers through my hair. They were like ice, but I wasn’t complaining.

I shook my head to answer her question, “I was trying not to think about you too much, I knew if I did that I wouldn’t be able to go through with it,” I admitted. I could see a miniscule smile appear on her face in the reflection off the TV’s screen.

Her hands were softer now, trailing down the shaggy hair and cutting over across my cheek bones. I closed my eyes, loving the feel of her skin on mine, while her little hand caressed my cheek and jaw.

“You’re my best friend, Y’know that?” she asked suddenly, and I opened my eyes and turned so I was looking up at her now. My eyebrow was raised. She laughed good-naturedly. “Yeah I know, I act strange sometimes, but you just have to ignore me when I do; I have my reasons for being so bipolar.

And then she ran her thumb over my lips, and I couldn’t do anything but melt while realizing that as long as she had her on me-anywhere on me, I couldn’t do anything but agree with her, and believe anything she told me.

“Well, I guess you’re mine too, you’re actually the only one who doesn’t look at me like I’m breakable.”

Did I just say that out loud?

But Violet only stroked my face again; both of us lying in comfortable silence and forgetting the world outside even existed. Because to both of us at the moment; it didn’t.