Together, We'll Be Okay

When I heard the doorbell ring I didn't know who it could possibly be. When I opened the door and I saw him I didn't know what to do...

Why was he here?

There standing in my doorway was Jonny Craig, my ex-boyfriend. I instantly reacted, and slammed the door closed.

The doorbell rang again, I ignored it.

On the third ring I decided to open the door, and talk to him.

"What the fuck are you doing here Jonny?" I asked.

"I came to see you, and my baby" he spoke.

"Well too bad you can't see her" I responded.

"Why the fuck not?" he asked. "Why can't I see my daughter? C'mon is it because I left you? HUH? I didn't leave because I wanted to, I left because I had to. I had to get off drugs, so I could take care of you and the baby. I love you, I didn't leave because I didn't love you, or because I didn't want to be a dad. I left because I wanted to be a dad not a druggie, believe me. I wish I could've been with you everyday. I wish I could've been in the hospital when she was born. Honestly, I wish I could've been there every step of the way, but I had to better myself for you and her. Please just let me see her." He pleaded with me.

"Jonny, you can't see her, you can't." I tried my best to stop the tears as I tried to close the door again. Jonny stuck his foot in the door so I couldn't close it, and he pushed the door opened, and just walked into the living room. "Where is she?" he questioned. "She's not here." I let the tears flow freely as the words left my lips. "She isn't fucking here." I was now sobbing. Jonny stepped towards me and I just clutched to his shirt and sobbed. "She's not here" I kept repeating to myself. "Well then where is she?" he asked. I was crying hysterically and I couldn't form a sentence. It took me about ten minutes to calm down before I could respond. "She's dead" I watched his face fall, and returned to sobbing. I clutched to him even harder, and try to calm myself again. I had to explain to him. "I was almost seven months pregnant when I went into labor, I was too far into labor for it to be stopped. I had to give birth. Jonny I was so scared. I wanted them to try and stop the labor but they said it would do no good. It was too early, and when I didn't hear the cry I knew she was gone. I held her lifeless body in my hands and sobbed. I lost her. Every day I was pregnant I grew to love her more, and to just have her taken away from me it was so hard." I stopped to steady out my breathing, and then resumed. "Burying my baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I had to do it alone. Jonny I needed you, and I still need you." Jonny remained silent, and that scared me. I looked up at Jonny with tear filled eyes, and to see him silently sobbing broke my heart even more. I hadn't ever seen him cry before. "I'm sorry" he choked out. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, I'm sorry I didn't get to help you. I'm sorry that she's gone" he elaborated. "Don't be sorry Jonny, you did what would have been best for her. Jonny, you got better and you did it all for her." I stated. "No, I did it for you too" he replied. I stayed silent, and together we sat in silence just crying for a good five minutes. "Can we go see her?" he asked hesitantly, almost as though he was questioning whether or not he was ready to face the reality of it all. "If you're sure, besides I haven't visited her today" I answered. "Today? Do you visit her everyday?" "Yeah, I go and visit every single day, and to be honest I spend most of the time talking about you and how much you would've loved her." I stated simply. "I do love her, even if she isn't here, I love her."

Jonny and I collected ourselves, hopped in the car, and headed to the cemetery. We pulled into the cemetery and drove to the baby section. Jonny and I got out of the car, and I led him to her stone. He crouched down and delicately ran his fingers over her stone, tracing over the 'In loving memory of Olivia Benton.' "Olivia, I like it" he said. "Yeah, Olivia Jane Benton." "Well Olivia Jane Benton, I'm you're daddy, and I love you" he told the stone, as though he was talking to her. He talked for awhile, and then when he was ready to go we left. The car ride home was silent, but comfortable. I invited Jonny in to stay for the night using the excuse that I didn't want to be alone. It was entirely true though, I didn't want to be alone, I'm sick of being alone all the time.

I wish Jonny and I could give us another go (no I'm not thinking selfishly and forgetting about my daughter, I just think we would be good for each other, you know.) I think it would be good for me and Jonny to get through this together. I have been dealing with this loss for 5 months now, but it hasn't even hit Jonny yet. It hasn't truly sunken in yet, and when it is I want to be there to help him, because he deserves it.

Jonny and I were eating dinner, pizza to be exact, and then he just spoke up "Do you think it would be to soon to ask if we could try and continue where we left off?" "Not really, no" I replied. He then leaned over me and kissed me, when we released from each other he asked "Can we try and continue where we left off?" I smiled and nodded. I was happy. He kissed me again, and then we resumed eating our pizza. We cleaned up our mess from dinner and decided to watch t.v.

Together, we cuddled on the couch and watched stupid movies.

When I was starting to drift into sleep on the couch Jonny woke me up and suggests that we go to bed. I get up from my spot on the couch and lead him upstairs. I walk into the room that holds my bed and Jonny just gawks. "I know, you're probably thinking about how crazy I am, but it just makes me feel close to her" I told him as he ran his digits over the crib and then the dresser. "I don't think you're crazy, but I think it's time to switch rooms. We can sleep in here tonight, but tomorrow I'm going to move you to a different room." he stated. "Why?" I knew why, but I wanted him to tell me. "Because this isn't good for you, you may feel close to her in here, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. You're hanging on to something that has the potential to ruin you, and I don't want to lose you too." I suddenly felt guilty, and apologized to him.

Jonny stopped fiddling with the baby things and finally crawled into bed with me, and I just wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into his chest. For the first time since Olivia has been gone, I felt content. Even though I went to bed without her, yet again, I didn't feel alone this time. I had Jonny with me and together I knew we would be okay.

Together, I knew we would be more than okay.