Your Way With Words Is Through Silence

She looked at me and her smile faded. What is she doing here? Before I could say anything she ran out of the kitchen and out the door to the backyard. We all followed her, when I got there she was leaning over a bush, Marissa was holding her hair back. I’m assuming she was sick. After about a minute she stood up straight again. Alex handed her a bottle of water and she chugged half of it before looking at me.

“Can I talk to you? Alone.” She looked at the guys and Marissa, who started making their way back inside. Stephanie looked at me and I nodded at her, she followed everyone else back inside. When everyone but a few drunk party goers were gone she looked at me with her arms crossed, waiting for some kind of explanation.

“Happy birthday.”

“Are you really going to say that?”

“Yes, because it’s your birthday.”

“You have no idea how mad I am right now.”

“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? That’s all you can say? That you’re sorry?!” her voice was rising and I heard it crack.
I moved closer to her so I could see her face in the dark.

“What else am I supposed to say?” she started laughing, I looked at her confused.

“I don’t know Jeremy, maybe you can tell me why you ignored me for the past two months, or why you’re back with the girl who broke your heart.”

“I didn’t mean to ignore you, really. She showed up at my house crying, saying she made a mistake and wanted to get back together. I love her, I couldn’t say no.” she let out a deep breath, looking me in the eyes.

“You didn’t mean to ignore me? So why did you do it? You told me that you were over her, that was obviously a lie. If you still love her you shouldn’t have kissed me. I have-“she stopped and sighed. “had..feelings for you. My feelings don’t count apparently though.” Had?

“Your feelings do count. It’s just that-“

“Bullshit, if you cared about my feelings you would have taken them into consideration before ignoring me like I was nothing!” she was yelling at me now and I could see she was starting to cry. I went to wipe her tears away but she pushed my hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” she started to walk away.

“Let me explain.” She turned around and looked at me.

“This better be worth it.”

“I didn’t know she was going to show up at my house okay? I love her, I really couldn’t say no. I do like you, I really do. I was just confused and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Well what you should have done was talked to me. You ignored me for two months Jeremy, how do you think I felt? I’ll tell you how I felt, I was pissed! I felt like shit, and I feel even worse now. Thank you for ruining my birthday.” Shit.

“You’re right, I should have talked to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t and I’m sorry I ruined your birthday. If you let me make it up to you I can-“

“You can’t make it up because I refuse to be near you any longer.” She stormed inside, ignoring my calls for her to come back. I followed her, causing her to walk faster. When I found her she was yelling at Josh, Neil, Alex and Kevin.

“Thanks for ignoring me for two months!” she turned and looked at Neil. “And thanks for not telling me about Jeremy. Of all people I thought you would.” I saw a few tears spill from her eyes, she wiped them away quickly. She looked at me one more time before walking away, I assumed she went to look for Marissa. I heard my name being called and I turned around, seeing Stephanie standing there.

“Hold on.”

“I just want to know if you’re okay.” I ignored her and went to find Nicole, how far could she have gone? I saw her and Marissa walk outside, Marissa had her phone up to her ear. When I got outside Marissa was pacing around the front yard, it sounded like she was getting a cab to pick them up. I saw Nicole sitting on a bench, her head in her hands and I could hear her crying. I sighed, why did I do this to her? She lifted her head just enough to see me then put her head back down. I went to go sit next to her but I heard my name. I looked up and saw Marissa standing infront of me.

“Don’t go near her if you value your life.” I rolled my eyes and leaned against the banister,
crossing my arms over my chest. She stood infront of me again and she looked pissed.

“What the fuck is your problem?! You have no idea how much I hate you right now! My best friend is not the same because of you! I don’t want you talking to her.”

“I’ll talk to her if she wants me to talk to her.” I shouldn’t be talking to Marissa about this, I should be talking to Nicole herself.

“I can guarantee you that she doesn’t. Now go back inside to your girlfriend.” I saw their cab pull up. Nicole got up and walked right by me without even looking at me and Marissa gave me a death glare before they both got into their cab. After it took off I sighed and left the party, walking for about thirty minutes in the dark until I got to where our bus was. I realized that I was alone and I couldn’t control my anger anymore so I punched the outside of the bus, even in the dark I could see that I put a dent in it. When I walked inside I slammed the door shut and climbed into my bunk after sliding my jeans off and replacing them with basketball shorts.

I was mad at myself for doing this to Nicole, for taking Stephanie back. I knew I was still too pissed to sleep and I now started to realize the searing pain in my fist so I let my mind wander. Of course it would drift into comparing Nicole and Stephanie. They’re two completely different people. The more I compared them the more I realize Stephanie isn’t what I’m looking for, I thought she was until I met Nicole. I saw the light go on in the bus and the door close. I saw Neil standing outside of my bunk.

“Why did you leave the party?” I looked at him like he was stupid.

“I don’t know, maybe because I fucked up big time?” Neil sat on his bunk across from mine and crossed his legs.

“You were confused; it’s not your fault. Well I admit you should have talked to Nicole before you did that but I guess it’s too late for that.”

“Are you going to help me or what?”

“Sorry. I think you should break things off with Stephanie and win Nicole’s trust back.” I nodded, not really knowing what else to do. The door opened and closed again, Neil gave me a reassuring look before I walked back out into the lounge to see the guys and Stephanie standing there.

“Steph, can I talk to you for a second?” We made our way outside of the tour bus, I leaned against it next to the dent I made.

“What happened to the bus?” she ran her hand over to the dent.

“I fucked up, that’s what happened.” She looked at me confused, I sighed.

“Look Steph, we had a good relationship, but I realized that taking you back was a mistake. I can’t pretend anymore, I did love you but once I met Nicole everything changed. I’m sorry.” I could see she had tears in her eyes. She shook her head then walked inside and slammed the door. I walked inside to see her calling a cab. I walked back into the bunk area where Neil was still sitting, I gave him a thumbs up and he fist pumped, all I could do was laugh. A minute later Stephanie stormed right past me to the bunk she was staying in and grabbed her suitcase from underneath it, stuffing a few stray items in her suitcase. She said goodbye to the guys and hugged them then walked off the bus and got into her cab without even looking at me.

As wrong as it sounds I’m not even upset about our break up.

“It’s snowing!” Alex called out from the front lounge. I laid down in my bunk and sure enough when I looked out of the window there were snow flurries in the air. I closed the curtain and let the darkness surround me, giving me a sense of peace. The last thing I remember before I fell asleep was my mind wandering back to Nicole and how I can prove to her that I’m not a total asshole.

This is going to be a lot of work.