I've Got the Guts to Say Anything

“You know Josh,” I said as we crashed into my apartment, “You’re a top guy.” I said, poking his chest, giggling a little, my one vodka had sunken in and since I didn’t drink, it certainly was taking its toll on me.

“I can’t understand how you’re like drunk, after one vodka and coke.” Josh laughed, closing the door behind him.

“It’s because I don’t drink!” I exclaimed, throwing my bag onto the side, switching the kettle on, “Tea?” I asked.

“I’d actually love a coffee.” He smiled a toothy grin at me, leaning against a worktop as I attempted in my tipsy state to make a cup of coffee for him, failing when most of the coffee granules ended up on the floor along with two broken mugs.

“Oh shit.” I muttered, looking at Josh who could do nothing but laugh at me, which in turn, made me start laughing hysterically instead of cleaning up like I should have done.

“Paige, what the fuck is going on down here!?” Was the first thing I heard all night that made me sober up.

I muttered to myself as Joseph stood in the kitchen doorway in nothing but his boxer shorts, looking less than impressed at me, and more importantly Josh.

“Paige, who the fuck is this guy?” Josh laughed, pointing to Joseph who was looking even more less than impressed in the kitchen doorway than before now that Josh had commented on his presence.

“He’s my fiancé Josh.” I mumbled.

Josh laughed again until he realised I wasn’t actually joking, “Fuck, what?!”

“Her fiancé dude, did you not hear her?” Joseph commented from the doorway.

“She never told me.” Josh mumbled, turning to me with a look of hurt in his eyes that made me want to crawl into a whole and die, and then his looked turned to one of expectancy, like he wanted me to explain everything right then and there.

“I’m sorry Josh, I just never found the right time to say anything.” I spoke, trying to reach out to touch his arm for comfort.

He snatched his arm away blatantly, and then realised what he’d done. He rested his arm back by his side and then put a small smile on his lips, “Don’t worry, it’s cool.”

“Josh, please don’t be like this.” I all but begged, I didn’t care that Joseph was there to see, I needed to fix this before I lost my one and only friend.

“I’m not being like anything, I said it was fine.” He shrugged, “I guess I didn’t ask, so you had no reason to tell.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, looking him straight in the eyes, trying to find some kind of emotion in him.

“It’s not your fault.” He said completely emotionless, adding one of the fakest smiles I’ve ever seen.

“I think it might be time for you to leave, don’t you think?” Joseph asked Josh.

“Are you still here? Sorry, I forgot about you.” Josh snapped, making me a little on edge for what might come next.

“Just get out of my house, dick.” Joseph snapped right back.

“Fucking gladly,” Josh turned away from Joseph and back to me, “I guess I’ll see you around Paige.” He said before leaving with no less than a slam of the door, leaving a silence in the apartment with tension you could cut with nothing less than a sword.

“Don’t fucking count on it, buddy!” Joseph shouted after him. He turned to me, “You aren’t fucking seeing him again, Paige.” He spat.

“Fucking watch me.” I mumbled, playing with the sleeve of my dress.

“What did you say?” He asked, raising his voice.

“I said, fucking watch me.” I spoke, raising my own voice.

"Do you want fuck him or something? Is that it?" He said, taking a step closer to me, "Are you going to run off with that piece of shit? He only wants you for sex. That's all you're fucking good for anyway."

“Don’t call him that!” I shouted, regretting shouting as soon as the words had left my mouth.

He got close to me so that I was pressed up against the kitchen island and so that I could feel his breath on my face, “So you’re fucking standing up for him now?” He poked a finger into my shoulder, making me wince, “He won’t want you once he’s done with you, and then you’ll come fucking crawling back to me. You’re fucking pathetic.” He put emphasis on the ‘p’ sound, spitting on me a little.

“I’m not going to sleep with him.” I spoke, “He’s my friend, and I’m not going to let you ruin this for me, like you’ve ruined everything else for me!”

“You're a fucking liar, Paige, do you know that? You are lying about sleeping with him. I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't already. Was he a good fuck?" He shouted at me.

“I haven’t slept with him!” I shouted, walking up to him, pushing his chest, “And I’m not a fucking liar!”

He pushed me back before he practically shouted in my face, “Don’t touch me, you pathetic lying little whore.”

“Don’t fucking call me that, you asshole!” I shouted, taking hold of his arm, trying to dig my nails in to his skin.

He laughed at me, pushing my arm away, “"I'll call you what I want, because you are my fucking fiancé. You don't belong to anyone but me, okay? Not that Josh dick, and not any other guy who's dick you've had between your legs. Me” He pointed to himself, "Got that?"

“I don’t want to belong to you, but I don’t have a fucking choice.” I spat, “You’re a twat and I hate you.”

“Well you aren’t going anywhere.” He spat at me.

“Fucking watch me.” I challenged, walking towards the front door.

He grabbed my wrist before I could get to the door, “No Paige, you can’t go.”

“And why the fuck not?” I asked.

He paused, “Because I’m fucking going.” He tightened his grip, "You are not running off to go see your fucking boyfriend. You can stay here."

“And what’s to say if you go out, that he won’t come here?” I asked, knowing that it was the completely wrong thing to say as soon as it left my mouth.

“You know what will happen, Paige. I can move us 300 miles away if I wanted to, so don’t fucking push it.” Joseph let go of my arm and walked a few steps away from me, “You can sleep down here tonight because I really cannot stand to look at you right now.”

I sighed at waited until I heard him close our bedroom door. I took my shoes off and grabbed a brush to sweep up the mess I’d made before retreating to the sofa. I was sat watching an old episode of ‘Friends’ when I decided to do something rational. I went up through the TV channels until I got to MTV, turning the television down even more so I could barely hear it myself, so I didn’t wake Joseph and so he didn’t know I was listening to music. He’d always said that Music was for small minded people who didn’t have anything better to do with their time other than to sit around and obsess over the latest hits. I flicked through the urban hits channels, stopping on channels that I thought I was most likely to see him on and surely enough, when I hit ‘Kerrang’, there he was, with his band, doing everything he dreamed of. He wasn’t tied down by anyone. He wasn’t controlled by anyone. He was his own person and even though I’d only known him for two weeks, I was proud of him and everyone in his band. They were living their dream. They hadn’t let anyone stop them from doing what they loved. Maybe it was time I took a leaf out of their book and started changing my life.