I've Got the Guts to Say Anything

The first thing I did the next morning when I woke up was to check the apartment to make sure Joseph was nowhere to be seen. There really was no way I could deal with him this morning because I was completely angry with myself at how I’d spoken to him. I knew I probably would never hear the last of this whole fiasco. Everything he wanted me to do that I showed any sign of reluctance to do for him would be accompanied with ‘You know you owe me for how you behaved,’ and I knew he was right, because if I wasn’t sickly sweet to him for the next few weeks, he’d have words with my parent’s and if Joseph didn’t move us away then I’m pretty sure my parents would.

The next job on my agenda was to fetch my car from the venue from last night. I dressed and hailed a cab and was there in under an hour. My car was still parked where I’d left it, but to my dismay, so were all the busses and vans, which meant that Josh was still here too. I was quick to unlock my car and get in but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to start my car and drive off. It was like I wanted Josh to come out and find me. Before I knew it, I was stewing over the entirety of last night and crying over everything, it wasn’t just the odd tear either, proper crying, with sobs – something I’d never done before.

A knock on the window startled me, I lifted my head and quickly wiped my tears to see Max standing outside my window. I rolled it down to speak to him.

“Wanna talk, Love?” He asked, walking around to the passenger side to sit with me.

I rolled my window back up and got a tissue from my bag to wipe my face and blow my nose. There was nothing less attractive than a snotty, tear-stained girl.

“I hate my life.” I mumbled, hitting my head back against the headrest.

“You don’t hate your life, Paige.” Max began, “You hate your current situation.”

“But my current situation is my life, Max.” I turned to look at him, “I need out.”

“I hope you mean metaphorically, because I cannot deal with a suicide contemplator, that’s just a little too deep for me.” He smiled, trying to lift the mood in the car a little.

“I don’t care how I get out, but something needs to change.”

“About what?” He asked, “Work?” He asked, receiving a shake of my head in return, “No? Okay, your fiancé?” That one got a nod and Max made a noise of approval, “Josh told us everything last night when he came back.”

“Great, now I bet everyone thinks I’m a total sap that can’t fend for myself.” I sighed.

“Quite the opposite actually.” Max mused, “We want to help, Paige.”

“I don’t need your help!” I snapped, “I can do this on my own!”

“Okay, but from what I’ve heard from Josh about your dick of a fiancé, you’re going to need our help.”

“What part of ‘I don’t need your help’ are you not getting?” I asked.

“Seriously love! Just listen okay?” He spoke, “There’s a boy I know, who came back last night and left this morning absolutely devastated because he thought he finally had a chance, he came in, whinging about how you need to get yourself out of there because this Joseph guy is a dick, but he won’t do anything, because he knows nothing he will do will ever work because he knows you’re stubborn and you want to do everything on your own.”

“Wait, he thought he had a chance, with me?” I asked, slightly confused.

“Paige, Josh has got it bad.” Max laughed, “He falls too easily.”

“Look, Max. I appreciate everything, but I really need to go home right now.” I told him, desperate to get out of this situation he’d put me in, “Before you go though, would you give me Josh’s address, there’s something I need to do.”

Max looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a knowing look before scribbling his post code on a scrap piece of paper from his pocket. He said goodbye to me and then a shout of ‘be safe!’ before he went back into the venue.



I found myself outside Josh’s apartment three hours later. I had no plan what-so-ever as to what I was going to say, or even do, when or if he let me in to talk, which scared me, because usually, I’d have everything mapped out the way I wanted it to go and then I’d have planned out at least two other scenarios to go with if my first plan failed.

I knocked on his door, which I’d been directed to via a rather large, old woman at the front desk of the tiny reception area, who at first had been reluctant to tell me which apartment was his, and waited. I knocked three times, and was about to give up when I heard a fumbling with a lock.

“Paige.” Josh stated when he saw me standing on his doorstep, “What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I just needed to come and make sure you were okay after last night.” I said, giving him a small smile.

“I’m fine.” He spoke, “I don’t think the same can be said for you though.” He pointed to my face, because obviously my eyes were still red and puffy and there were probably still stains on my cheeks, “You can come in and talk about it if you want?” He offered, and I still to this moment have no idea why, but right at that moment I snapped. I flung my arms around his neck and buried my head in his shoulder.

Josh rubbed my back for a little while, before pulling me into his apartment, sitting me down and telling me to spill everything that was wrong. So I told him. I told him about what happened after he’d left, I told him about everything before he was even in the picture. Absolutely everything and at the end of it, I still felt like I was no further forward than I was when Josh was completely oblivious to everything.

"Wow," He bit his lip in thought, "and you managed to keep this in for this long, how?"

“I don’t know,” I said, “I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”

"You know that you can always talk to me, right?" He smiled, "And I'd never try and be that controlling, awful or whatever Joseph is.”

“Yeah, I know, thanks,” I smiled, “I guess I’ve been quiet for so long with no-one to talk to that I’ve just forgotten good people exist.”

“You know what I think?” He asked.

“I don’t know, many things, I suppose.” I said.

"Many things, but especially this: decent people should be surrounded by decent people - that way all the shit people can just kill each other off with their stupidity."

I laughed, “I should really be defending him, I mean, he’s put up with all my shit over the years, and he has his moments when he can be okay.”

"A few moments of kindness don't make up for a lifetime of being an asshole, Paige."

“I know.” I whispered.

“Therefore,” He smiled softly, "I think we can agree that you should not be defending him."

“Yeah, I guess,” I smiled, “I just, I guess he’s all I’ve got.”

“That’s not true,” He moved closer to me, “You’ve got me.” He took my hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb.

“Yes, but I’m pretty sure even if I do have you, I’m still romantically entangled with that dickhead.” I sighed, “If you can even call it romantic.”

"You don't have to be," *smiles* "You always have a bed free here if you ever need it,"

“Kicking you out of your bed wouldn’t fill how empty I feel in here though,” I whispered, barely audible, putting my hand on my chest over my heart.

“Well,” He pulled my hand from my chest and put it in the same place on his chest, “You have a place in here.”

“I’m glad.” I smiled, trying to take my hand back, “Can I have my hand back?”

“I’m alright thanks,” He smirked, gripping my hand tighter.

“You’re such a goof, Josh.” I laughed. He let my hand go, but persisted to move closer to me, making my inside a bit giddy. I felt like a teenage girl talking to her crush for the first time, “Josh, what are you doing?” I asked, as he got even closer.

“Something I should have done last night.” He said simply, running his hands up my arms and my neck, pushing my hair back from my face before holding my cheeks in his hands, “You’re so pretty, Paige.” He whispered, leaning in.

My breath hitched in my throat, as I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. It felt likes months that I waited for Josh’s lips to touch softly to mine, but when they did, even if it was the softest kiss I’d even had, didn’t I know that it was happening. It was like my body had been thrown into a brick wall of realisation as soon as his soft lips were pressed against mine. I knew what I was doing, and I knew what would happen to both me and Josh if we were found out and it scared the living daylights out of me, but there’s was a part of my brain that welcomed Josh’s kiss, that realised it was something different, a good different, and considering I was talking with my brain, I knew something had to make sense somewhere, because it wasn’t my heart talking. Or maybe it was, and I just didn’t know, maybe I was confusing what I needed and what I was selfishly taking for myself.

It felt like at least 10 minutes had passed since Josh had first put his lips upon mine, until I finally loosened up and pushed my lips back to his with just as little pressure as he had put on mine, when in reality, it was probably no longer than a minute or two. I moved my hands from my lap, and ran them from his hands on my cheek, all the way down to his shoulders and then rested them on either side of his neck.

Josh pulled away, only very slightly. He had that stupid grin type smirk plastered over his face. All I could do was look down as far as I could with my face in his hands. His hands left my cheeks and ran them down my front, stopping at the button that was keeping my blazer done up. He fumbled with it for a minute until it popped open and he ran his hands up my sides, squeezing my hips a little beforehand. His hands ran up to my shoulders and slipped my jacket off, my skin instantly covered in goose bumps, which Josh noticed, and wasted no time in rubbing his hands up and down my arms to warm me up.

That’s when it happened. We both looked each other straight in the eye and held each other’s gaze for at least a minute before we flew at each other. Our lips locked and almost instantly I opened my mouth for Josh’s tongue to tangle with mine, which is exactly what it did. There was no noise in his apartment apart from the low murmering of some shitty daytime television and the occasional smacking sounds from our lips, but nothing else. Josh’s lips pulled away from mine, which made me whimper from the loss of contact, which made his cheeky smirk grow even wider. He attatched his lips to my neck, which is when the floodgates opened to what it was I was actually doing.

I pushed on his shoulders lightly, “Josh, we need to stop.”

He say up and looked at me, “Why?” He asked simply.

“Because this is wrong, Josh, and you know it.” I sighed, grabbing my blazer from the floor, putting his back over my shoulders, “I have to go.” I said quickly, before doing a complete run for it.