Chex Mix

“What? Do you think I’m gonna answer that?” I knew it would come down to me, but I’m not about to tell a bunch of people, most of which are complete strangers, and tell them my biggest secret. I haven’t told anyone and I’m not about it give it up now. I can’t tell anyone. It’s mine to keep and it’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore.

“Well, the rest of us did it…” Dessi mumbles.

“I’m not gonna answer the stupid question. All of you—“ And then my breath hitches in my throat and my teeth clamp together.

All of you are stupid. You wanna dance, Twinkle Toes? Do it. You want some adventure? Make some. You want a kiss? Stop being a loser and you might get lucky. You want friends? Well, make some damn friends, it’s not that hard. And Dessi, you wanna be healthy? Well, why don’t you try eating something at lunch.

“Owen?”

“I’m going back to class.” The words come out strange, like I’m gargling them around in my mouth. I get to my feet, throwing my backpack over my shoulder and walk as fast as I can to the door.

“Owen…” Dessi calls after me and something about her tone reminds me of the way my mother sometimes speaks to me when I won’t talk to her.

I turn in the doorway, glancing back at all the concerned faces.

And I say it. I say the thing I swore I’d tell no one.

“I want to die.”

And then I’m gone and going out the front doors of the school building rather than back to class and I sit between the bike racks and lay my head on my knees. And I dream myself to someplace else where I’m not in front of a school building, cold snow melting into my jeans. I dream myself into the quiet, peaceful darkness I imagine death would be.