Nerdz For Life

“Phantom would you stop raping Favreau. We don’t need the French Embassy over here to kick our asses.”

“Agdistis, every time things happen, it does not mean the French Embassy will come here and hurt everyone,” Favreau gasps out from underneath Phantom. Phantom was currently crushing the poor French transplant into the couch. I’m not sure why, but, you know, boys will be boys.

I return my attention to the screen. “Wait, wait, hold that think. I got a solo coming up!” As the colorful notes stroll across the television, I hit them. My hand moves masterfully up and down the neck of the guitar as I strike each block. The song closes with the reverberating sound of epically hit guitar notes. “I so kick ass!”

Favreau rolls his eyes. Phantom is no longer crushing him, and they’re both sitting upright on the couch. “Je suis entouré de gens fous,” Favreau says in his charming accent. You can take the boy out of France, but you can’t take the French out of the boy.

“Fav, you know I take Spanish, right?” I ask, handing the plastic guitar to Phantom, who stands up and begins to play.

“Sí, lo sé,” Favreau responds in fluent Spanish.

“Okay, now you’re just showing off. That pisses me off, muchacho.”

“What are you planning on doing about it?”

I run quickly and tackle him, tickling up and down his sides. He laughs uncontrollably and begs me to stop. I don’t, though. I only tickle him harder. He looks at me with vengeance and begins tickling me back. I squirm and laugh as he pushes me backwards until we both fall over on the couch, him on top now. My sides begin to ache, and I know he’s more than likely going to win. Damn.

“Okay, okay, please stop! I’m going to piss my pants if you do not ease up on the damn tickling,” I yell.

“Would you two quiet down? I’m trying to kick Phantom’s ass here!” my brother barks.

“Patches, shut your trap. You’d suck even if we weren’t talking,” I call back.

“I swear to AC/DC, Agdistis. If you don’t fucking close your mouth, I will crush you into the floor.”

Ah, sibling love. It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Surprisingly, this is all good fun for me and Patches. He’s a dipshit, but I love him anyway. He is my brother after all. It’s been like that since we were little. He’s only a year and a half older than me, but apparently that makes him wiser. Although, I pretty much rape ten times harder at everything than he does.

“Then, I better go get my pads,” I retort.

“Oh,” he drawls. “You’re on your period; I got it.” I see a smirk creep onto his face.

“I’m going to go psycho crazy bitch on your face!”

“Bring it on, Aggie.”

“Eh, maybe later. I’m hungry. C’mon, Favy,” I say, grabbing Favreau’s hand. I drag him with me into the kitchen so I can get some Honey O’s. I pull out the box and dig my hand in, shoving the sweet circles into my mouth. “Want some?” I offer through a mouth full of cereal.

Favreau chuckles and grabs himself some. “You are a funny one, Agdistis.”

I should mention my name is not Agdistis. There is a story behind that, but I plan to save that for some other time. And I know another thing you’re thinking. No, me and Favreau aren’t dating. I’ve just been his best friend since forever.

See, when Faustin Favreau (P to the S, that’s his real name) first moved here when we were fourteen, everyone was all, “A French exchange student? Kickass! I bet he’s totally ice cube chill.” And when he got here, he was. At least that’s the crowd he fell into. Favreau was the shit then some. But soon, all the Pops realized he wasn’t all that cool, per se. He’s actually a big ol’ bucket of nerd. He rocks at math, science, and history. He’s fluent in seven languages including Pig Latin. He’s a video-game-playing, comic-book-reading, anime-watching, nerd-bombing dude. He’s a total loser.

So, that’s when the Pops dropped him like a lava rock. One day, I walked into the cafeteria and there was little Favreau, sitting all by his lonesome. Me and Phantom talked it over and decided that he was nerdy enough to be our friend. So, that’s when me and Favreau became two sardines in a tin. He knows everything about me and me about him. He is an attractive gentleman and what-not, but I just don’t think I could ever see myself macking on him. He’s like my brother. He’s like the person I wish Patches would be because Favreau would make one rocking sibling.

I stare at Favreau as he grabs more Honey O’s and pops them into his mouth. This is unacceptable. He chews innocently as I glare, hoping he’ll look over and see me. He’s too busy enjoying the sweet deliciousness of the breakfast cereal, so I clear my throat to get his attention. He looks in my direction blankly for a moment until he finally notices my stare.

“What?” he questions.

“You took more of my O’s, bitch,” I say seriously.

His honey brown eyes circle in their sockets. “You and your O’s.” He jumps on the counter lackadaisically, grabbing the box from my hands and shoving more in his mouth.

“Give me back my box, Frenchy,” I say, snatching it back from him.

He rolls his eyes again and digs his hand in the box despite my angered warnings. “So, did you hear about Dakota Chaim?”

“Nah, he knock up another floozy?” I ask, jumping onto the counter next to him and crossing my legs.

“No, the latest rumor is that he raped a girl.” Favreau lets a little shock seep into his eyes.

I look at him with a mix of disgust, confusion, and a savory dash of disbelief. “Forizzle?”

He nods. “Is what I heard.”

“I don’t know how much I believe that to tell you the truth, Fav.”

“Why would you not? I believe it.”

“I don’t know. He’s a manwhore, I’ll give him that, but he just doesn’t seem like the raping type, you know?” I reason. I feel like this statement is more to convince myself than Favreau.

“I did not know there was a type.” He chuckles and takes the box, popping more cereal in his mouth.

“Well, you know, I am more insightful than you, Frenchy.” I smirk as I grab my box back from him.

He glares at me playfully. “Yeah, yeah, you Americans think you are so much better than the rest of the world.”

I laugh. “Do you blame us?” We both chuckle. “Anyway, I really don’t know about the whole rape thing. I guess I’ll make up my mind on Monday.”