Forgotten Kisses.

The shower had always been a place for me to think. It was the only time you could truly be alone in your thoughts without getting interrupted. Now that I thought about it, I made a lot of decisions in the shower.

My hands ghosted over the spots where Josh had left marks from his lips. I looked down and counted each and every love mark, my heart soaring and dropping, seemingly all in the same moment.

What was I doing? This seemed to be the one question that was constantly on my mind.

Getting to have Josh all to myself was always something that seemed to be so far away. A task that quite frankly, would never be accomplished. He was Josh. The one boy I had truly fallen in love with. This realization that I actually could have him, that the finish line was coming into view scared me.

How long would it last? Sure, he loved me and wanted to be with me since he was thirteen, but maybe he still was feeling strongly because he’d been holding onto these feelings for so long, he’d been unable to act on those feelings. And now that he had, it could only be so long before he realized the chase was over and it was time for a new adventure.

Even after all the work I’d done to become ‘beautiful’, I knew I was still nothing special. It was just like an eating disorder, no matter what anyone around me said, I still felt as if I would never be beautiful enough for Josh, so what was there keeping him with me? Nothing.

Then there was the loneliness. I couldn’t forget the touring for months at a time. The inability to always be around him. I try to justify this by reminding myself of my childhood, and how we’d be together for a couple of months then for the rest of the year, we’d see nothing of each other.

But it was different. We’d be in a relationship. I’d want to wake up and fall asleep beside him. I’d want to wear his too-big shirt that he’d tossed to the ground carelessly the night before when we were making love. I’d want to cook him breakfast. I’d want us to fight. Then have him scoop me up in his arms and tell me it was okay. I wanted so much.

Maybe that was a lot to expect. Not just out of Josh, but out of any guy in general. But that didn’t change the fact that I still wanted it.

With Alex, he’d always be around. He’d build up his business and we’d be living in a big house, we’d be comfortable. Life would be perfect for raising children and I’d never have to worry about him missing a birthday, or Christmas.

But it all led back to the fact that I couldn’t picture Alex and I raising kids. I couldn’t picture Alex and I having a happy family. It was just so effortless to see everything happening with Josh and it just being the best thing life could ever give.

“Lia! You’ve been in there for like an hour!” the banging on the bathroom door got my attention. “We’re going to be late to lunch!”

+

His hand on my knee seemed to setting my skin on fire as I sat there, eating my salad quietly. Maybe it was the way he was watching me, that also seemed to be setting my skin on fire. But not in a good way.

“You look beautiful today,” he smiled softly.

I’d taken an extra hour covering up the bruise on my face with pounds of makeup. I’d hoped that I looked decent. I gave him a small smile and continued eating.

“Our tickets for Maui came in today,” he told me as he pulled them out of his folder. “Margaret, my secretary called me when they came in, and I just couldn’t help it, I had her send them to us here. You’re excited, aren’t you baby?”

I glanced up at his face. The bruises seemed to look quite a bit nastier than they did the night before. I bit my lip harshly and returned to eating my food. He prompted me by restating his question and I nodded.

“Are you okay? If you wa-“

“This fucking asshole!” my head shot up at the sound of his voice. I looked up in time to see Max marching up to us, his fist balled at his side and he was coming fast.

Alex quickly stood from the table and looked shocked, the closer Max came.

Dan, Matt and Chris tried to get a decent hold on him as they watched him incredulously. Josh simply stood beside them, his eyes trained on me.

I couldn’t seem to look away from his eyes for more than a few seconds.

“Mate, what the hell is going on? You’re scaring the shit out of the poor guy!” Matt exclaimed, tightening his grip on Max.

Max struggled, trying to break lose. “That fucking asshole, he slapped Lia across the face.”

He lost one.

The moment those words flew from his lips, Dan had flown forward and laid a punch across Alex’s left cheek. Matt and Chris immediately loosened their grip and watched Alex go down.

“Fuck,” Chris spoke up, “That was a good hit.” He complimented.

I didn’t know what to do. My body seemed to be doing it’s own thing when I leaned down and helped Alex up, dusting him off. I didn’t dare glance around the outside patio we were at to see other people’s eyes.

Alex didn’t seem to be in the mood for confrontation. He turned to face me. “I’ll meet you back at the house,” he pushed his way past the guys and quickly walked out of patio, leaving me to the five guys.

“Lia, what the fuck are you thinking?” Max asked me, his eyes wide. “He fucking hit you! You made up with Josh, why’re you with this fucking prick?”

I shook my head, unable to find my words. I still hadn’t figured this out myself. Why had I stayed?

“Let me talk to her alone.” His voice called out, and the guys all exchanged a glance before nodding towards Josh and walking back to their table.

Josh nodded towards the exit and I let my feet drag me along, walking alongside him on the sidewalk. “What happened when I dropped you off?” he wouldn’t look at me now.

“He kept apologizing and promising that he had fucked up and he wouldn’t do it again.”

He nodded, but his words were a clear contradiction. “You know he’s going to hit you again.” He ran a hand through his mess of hair. “Once a man hits you and you stay, he knows it’s alright.”

“Josh, what am I supposed to do?” I asked, stopping my movement and looking into his eyes. “He’s staying at the house. I cant just break off the engagement while he’s there.”

“Lia, listen to yourself. You’re making the worst mistake of your life because he’s staying at the house with you.” He growled. “If you tell that piece of shit that you’re through and to get the fuck out, I can guarantee his ass will be on the next flight out of Weybridge. But you’re actually going to sit here and get married to some guy you don’t love because you want to spare him his feelings.”

“I’ve worked so hard for this,” I told Josh, my voice getting softer as I felt the tears coming, “Once I finally give up on him, what will I have?”

“You’ll have me,” he spoke, his blue eyes burning into mine. “Isn’t that enough?”

I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him tightly. I didn’t want to look at his face anymore. I couldn’t. I was tearing him apart inside and it seemed like every decision I made was the wrong one. “You’ll never be home,” my voice was as loud as a whisper against his ear. “You’ll constantly be touring.”

“You can come with me,” he responded, his arms tightening around my waist.

I shook my head and I wondered if he could tell. “You know I can’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “And I can’t handle being alone, Josh.” I whimpered.

“Don’t you love me?” he whispered against my hair and I felt my knees growing weak.

“Of course I love you,” his hold on me tightened. “More than anything.”

“Then what’s the big deal?” he ran his hands through my messy blonde strands. “I know I don’t have as much money as he does, and I live at home, and we always seem to be fighting, but I love you Lia, so much to the point where I cant even sleep at night because all I can think about is that asshole getting to hold you and kiss you, and then there I am, sleeping alone.”

I felt my tears sliding down my face and piling onto Josh’s shirt, staining the white t shirt. “You can’t marry him, Lia. Not after all this time, not after everything we’ve through. Not now, when I know you love me back.”

I pulled back and took a moment to glance up at him. He looked so handsome with his deep blue eyes, and the shadow of scruff starting to make its appearance on his face. I leaned up on the tips of my toes and pressed my lips onto his.

His arms wrapped tightly around me and I brought my hands into his hair, pulling him closer. Kissing him felt so good. It was amazing that I’d gone so long without feeling this. Once we finally broke apart, Josh dropped his head down, our foreheads meeting.

“I just need a little bit of time to think.” I murmured, our lips centimeters away. “To sort things out,”

Josh simply nodded and I pressed a final kiss to his lips.

+

I walked into the house and followed the smell that was coming from the kitchen. I walked up and pressed a kiss to Catherine’s cheek. “What’s with this?” I asked, taking note of the cookbook sitting on the island.

“I just wanted to try something new.” She clarified with a smile. “Alex said he had a few errands to run,”

“Okay, “ I nodded and headed for the stairs. “I’m just going to take a little nap until dinner.

I carried myself up the stairs, so tired with todays’s events. What was I going to do? How was I going to do this to Alex? Where would Josh and I pick up.

“I was starting to wonder when you’d be getting home.”

My eyes went wide at the sound of the voice. I slowly dragged my eyes up to meet the person sitting on the bed with a smirk on their face.

“Allison?”

She smirked and stood up, bringing her hands to rest on my cheeks. “That’s right baby, and it’s time for me to help you take out the trash.”