Wake Me up When September Ends

We walked the streets together, still in our half embrace. For the first time since we packed up and moved to New York a few years ago, my eyes were actually opened to all the beauty and lights around me. I guess all you need is a tragedy, or in my case multiple tragedies to open your eyes to all the things you wanted back when things were less complicated.

As we passed the different kinds of people on the busy streets, I remembered back when I was fifteen and all I wanted was to be free in a big city. New York had always been beautiful to me, but I never really thought that I would be lucky enough to end up there. The biggest dream I had was to move to Pretoria, one of my favorite places at the time. I realized that I had actually gotten everything I ever wanted, and I didn’t fully appreciate it because of all the speed bumps in the way.

I sighed, thinking about the life that I was now leading. It was safe to say that I was completely unaware of the world behind the four walls of my bedroom, in the last two months I was consumed in my own little bubble, getting lost in my head and the music that I now know by heart.

I wasted the blessings I’d gotten. I took the time I got to spend with Bill for granted, and I wished that I didn’t because even if Bill lived to be a hundred, every day with him would have been the best day of my life because there was no one as pure and beautiful as he was. I had a successful career as a lead singer, something I dreamt about since the age of seven, but I haven’t completed a song in more than a year. I threw my dream away and gave up on what I loved, even though my decision seemed right for me at the time, I knew that it was just another piece missing from my heart now.

Back when we toured around the world with Tokio Hotel, it all felt so small because I saw every big city and sang in front of huge crowds, after a while I started to lose sight of what I wanted, and I had been living with my eyes closed ever since.

As we walked, I could feel myself falling further into reality. I looked around and noticed how big the city really was – and it reminded me that the world was bigger, and after years of feeling tall and invincible, I felt small. I felt like I was surrounded by a thousand people, who didn’t remember or ever know who I was, it was like I was fifteen and dreaming again.

It was Tom’s idea to park the car and walk around for a bit, mainly because of the traffic and the urgent need of food, but also because Tom and I needed as much fresh air as we could possible manage. We needed to make up for the months we had lived in the dark. It wasn’t much, but this was the closest to feeling alive that I was going to get.

I could feel Tom slowing down a bit, and I turned my head to look at what he was staring at. We stopped completely once I realized Tom was standing in front of a bar, his eyes not at the old, fading sign, but on the ground. The look on his face wasn’t the temptation that I expected to see.

“After a while it stopped working.” He said thoughtfully.

I assumed that he meant the fact that he had been drunk every day for the last month and a half at least. People started to brush passed us, sending us irritable glances as they continued on their busy road towards which ever location they wanted to reach, but Tom didn’t seem to notice.

“Even when I was drunk, that pain was still there. I could be sprawled out on the floor, passed out from three bottles of whiskey and still remember that my brother is dead.” He said seriously, “Being drunk just made it easier to pretend, and people left me alone when I was drunk just because I was so damn good at pretending.”

Tom let go of me and turned slightly, aiming a kick at a rock that was in his way. I watched him raise his foot angrily, kicking the rock harder than I thought he would. In a way it was comforting to know that it wasn’t just me who wanted to be left alone, but my brother-in-law too.

Simone was dealing with her grief in a very different way. She talked about Bill as much as she could, considering it to be a form of therapy, saying all her thoughts out loud just to get them off of her chest. She and Gordon only became closer during her whole grieving process, because they cried together and whenever Simone would visit Bill’s grave, Gordon would accompany her because as I have heard her mention, because it made her feel safer and less alone.

I grabbed Tom’s hand again, and I could feel him pulling me away from the bar and further along the busy street.

“I wish I wasn’t pregnant, maybe getting drunk would make me feel better.” I mumbled to myself, but I knew that Tom heard me because of the way that he squeezed my hand as we continued walking.

I loved knowing that we had no idea where we were heading, but we were still walking just so that we didn’t have to go home. For as long as I could remember, I’ve wanted to do something like that. I wanted to disappear with someone for a day, no plans or expectations, ignoring every other person in the world. It was the closest I’ve ever came to being free in my twenty-five years of living, as funny as it may seem seeing as I have been traveling the world since I was a teenager.

This time was different, though. It wasn’t the pleasant feeling of having no cares in the world, but the pain of knowing that I had so many things that were breaking my heart, and I would be reminded once I returned from all the lights of the city that I found myself in. I know that Tom and I fucked up, but we decided that once we got home, we were going to try and fix it.

We knew that it would be hard, because there were so many things we did wrong and so many people we’ve hurt. Being surrounded by so many people made me realize that while was in my own little world, the people around me were also suffering, and it was time that I acknowledged that.

We walked passed a few cafés, I watched Tom pass it without giving them a second look. I wondered when Tom was planning on stopping, and if he was getting tired yet.

Tom started to walk a bit slower, pulling on my arm gently as if he was afraid that I would get lost in the crowd. He waited until I reached his side before he put an arm around my waist, like Bill had done so many times in the past. It made me feel a lot less lost, like I had more stability seeing as the bright lights made me feel slightly dizzy.

Tom and I hadn’t spoken a word since we got into his car parked outside of the cemetery, but it hadn’t gotten awkward yet, I just couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind because of the frown he was wearing, and it seemed to deepen with every step that he took.

Unexpectedly I felt a tug on my body as Tom turned a sharp corner. I felt a wave of relief hit me as we entered a 24-hour café not unlike so many others that we had passed before this one. I looked around the small room, noticing that there were only three people in the café except for Tom and I. I could feel the waitress’s eyes on us as we walked to the very back, passing two of the people sitting by the counter and sliding into a booth as quietly as we could manage.

I watched the waitress from the corner of my eye, my vision blurred from the cold wind that was blowing outside.

I could see her jaw moving, so I guessed that she was chewing gum. She looked like she couldn't have been much older than me, but as she came closer; I started to feel a bit insecure. She looked very tall, almost as tall as Tom, I guessed, and she was so beautiful that it made me feel ashamed to even be in the same room as her. I looked down as she strode over to us.

The closer she got, the more attractive she seemed to get. Her hair was a beautiful dark red, ringlets flowing beautifully down her chest, I remembered that I had always wanted my hair to look like that, but I could never get it right. She had green eyes that stood out amazingly bright because of the green top she was wearing; her makeup was light, which made me feel even worse because of her amazing natural beauty while I on the other hand, was nothing without my makeup.

She was nice to us, greeting us with a warm smile while introducing herself. My eyes met hers for a split second as I took the menu from her hands and watched as she strode back to where she was standing, giving us a few moments to decide on what we wanted to order.

I opened the menu and my eyes immediately went to the pictures, but as I looked I realized that I had already lost my appetite on the way over. I wasn’t hungry, even though I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I continued to read through the menu, though, waiting for Tom to break the silence, but it seemed like he wasn’t planning on saying anything just yet.

It was when the waitress returned when Tom spoke up; because he knew that I hated speaking to people I didn’t know.

“Have you decided on what you wanted yet, sir?” She asked in a musical voice.

“Sam, what do you want?” Tom addressed me, his eyes meeting mine over the top of the menu.

“I don’t want anything.” I mumbled, switching my gaze to the table.

“You have to eat, you know that.”

I remained quiet, knowing he was right because that was a phrase that I had heard almost every day since I left the hospital after Bill’s death. It started to feel like people only cared about me because I was pregnant, if I wasn’t expecting Bill’s baby, one of the few things that was left of him, they would have thrown me out a long time ago.

“Just get her some fries,” Tom said, I could hear the irritation in his voice, “and a burger for me. And two coffees please.”

“Right away, sir.” The girl said, scrambling away while still jotting down the order on her little note pad.

Tom started to move around on his side of the booth, staring out the window. His eyes followed the elderly man that was making his way towards the door.

“I’m going outside for a bit, okay?”

I watched him slide out of the booth, fidgeting with the right pocket of his jeans that weren’t nearly as loose as they were when I met him almost ten years ago. I nodded, but I’m not sure that he even saw me, because when I tilted my head to give him a questioning look, he was already closing the door behind him.

Because I sat by the window, I was able to see Tom as stood on the sidewalk. I watched him pull out a pack of Dunhill cigarettes, his lips moving as he muttered something that looked like a curse word. I guessed that his pack was almost empty.

He put it to his lips, pulling out what looked like a lighter. His face was illuminated by the flame of the lighter as he lit his cigarette before carelessly dropping it back into his pocket. He inhaled deeply; I could tell by the way his chest rose in the darkness. As he exhaled, I could see his frown disappear slightly. The smoke left his lips gracefully, his mouth only slightly open. I knew that Tom was irritated, but I wondered what it was that made him feel that bad. He raised the cigarette to his lips again in a matter of seconds, his hand shaking from the cold.

I jumped slightly as the sound of glass on the table filled my ears, my heart beating rapidly even though it wasn’t very loud.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you.” The waitress apologized, sending me a small smile, “Will your husband be returning soon?”

I felt my heart drop at the waitress’s words, even though I knew it was an innocent assumption that anyone could make, especially given the way that we entered the café. I didn’t look up at her, I just nodded, and wished that I had carried a pair of sunglasses with me to hide the tears that I was sure was going to fall soon enough.

I poured some milk into my black coffee, and mixed in some sugar, making sure to keep my head down just in case the waitress hadn’t left yet. Absentmindedly I pushed the spoon around with my finger, watching the steam rise from the hot brown liquid.

I inhaled loudly, my eyes closing for a minute. I didn’t think that it would hurt me that much to hear someone say those words. I haven’t heard someone say the word ‘husband’ to me in a very long time. It was hard for me to hear, knowing that I didn’t have a husband anymore. And in the blink of an eye, sitting unaccompanied in a café, I felt completely alone in the world once again.

The smell of nicotine filled my nostrils, and as I lifted my head slightly I could see a figure sitting across from me once again.

“You okay?” Tom inquired, my pale face catching his attention as soon as he sat down.

“I – I, yeah,” I started, “something just caught me off guard.”

Tom glanced at me, his right eyebrow raised in doubt as he started to stir his coffee, not even bothering to add milk because his coffee had lost enough heat as it is. The knot in my throat had started to disappear slightly, I wondered if Tom would have reacted the same way.

“I’m sorry if I started to get irritable.” Tom apologized quietly, referring to his behavior earlier, “It’s just –“

He was interrupted the sound of plates being placed on our table, his hamburger now in front of him along with a small salad and fries, but he too didn’t seem to have much of an appetite anymore. He pushed away his plate slightly after thanking the waitress and watching her walk away. I could see his Adams apple move as he swallowed. I threw salt all over my French fries, and squirted the mustard and ketchup bottles over the medium sized plate.

I waited for Tom to continue.

“I haven’t spoken to my daughter in days, Sam.” He said after a long silence only filled with us taking sips of our coffee. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about since we stepped out of that cemetery. I know that it’s been absolute hell without Bill, but I have been neglecting my own daughter because if it. What kind of parent does that?”

I knew that I could relate to the way Tom was feeling, because I have also not been paying enough attention to my daughter. Of course I asked her to sleep with me in my bed every night, and I held her and tucked her in, but during the day I sent her out to play with her cousin because it hurt me too much to look into her eyes, because they were the exact same shape and color as her father’s. It had also been bothering me, Tom and I didn’t have an excuse.

“Tom, we both fucked up.” I stated, recounting all the things that crossed my mind before.

I started to pick at the plate of fries in front of me, finally picking one up and bringing it up to my mouth.

“How is she ever going to forgive me? She’s the most important thing in my life, and I lost track of that. We should have found a healthier way to deal with –“ He lingered, “everything.”

I reached over the table and placed my hand over his, meeting his tear-filled eyes. I didn’t know what to say to Tom that hasn’t already been said, and I couldn’t think of anything that could help because I was placed in the same situation. Bill’s completely unexpected, which made it even harder on us, and in the beginning, my excuse was that I had to understand it myself before I could make my three year old understand.

After a while, hiding in my room became a habit. I never forgot about my daughter, I just didn’t have the strength to face her, or know that I disappointed her. After all, I was the only parent she had left.

“It’s not too late.” I tried, attempting to convince myself along with Tom, “They all know that it hurt us so much more, they can’t be mad. And your daughter loves you, you know that. She isn’t mad, and if she is, you know she won’t stay mad, she’s too young. She just wants her daddy.”

“I was serious when I said I want to get better. Not just for my daughter, but if Bill could see us now, he would break apart. You know he’d never want to hurt anyone, especially us.”

My voice started to crack again, “God, I miss him.”