My Heart Yearns
Sakura
(Ino)
If I were to say I were the luckiest girl in the world…I wouldn't be lying, I thought as I sorted through a pile of fresh flowers. I've had many things in my life. I've been pretty—maybe even beautiful. I've been a decent kunoichi. Boyfriends—lots of boyfriends. But I've never had Naruto, and that's the only way to describe what I had. I couldn't really put it into any other words.
Being with Naruto was different than any other relationship I've ever had. I didn't need to dress to impress because Naruto really didn't notice the difference. I'm not calling him stupid. I've learned that that really is not the case. He just didn't care.
It's really different for me because I've always been so…so materialistic?
Naruto brought out a side of me I never knew I had. A fun loving almost childish side. For once I wasn't in a relationship based on passion and lust. I was in one based on happiness and his huge fox-like grins.
On our first date-like thing, we danced in the rain. It was different and totally out of my element. But now…now Naruto would whisk me away to different places. It made me feel like a hopeless romantic…maybe I am a hopeless romantic?
I arranged the bouquet of purples and pinks with a hint of white into a vace and placed it in the store window. I couldn't help but smile when I saw a certain blond haired, blue eyed guy walking toward the shop. I returned to my spot next to the cash register and heard the bell on the door ring.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a thing of flowers." Naruto would have no idea what the word was.
"You mean a bouquet?"
"Uh, yes."
"What kind?" I said, playing along with his game.
"I'm not sure…" I led him over to some of the fresher ones. "You see, I have this girlfriend and she's really into flowers so it really has to be the best. I also don't know what kind of flower is her favorite. Can you help me?" I smiled.
Girlfriend…
I showed him what was honestly my favorite arrangement of flowers. It was simple but beautiful. It had full, light pink roses with baby's breath in between. "She seems like a rose kind of person." I handed him the bouquet.
"She does…hey, what do pink roses mean?"
"Well, they can mean a variety things…happiness, joy, admiration…romance," I responded with a blush on my cheeks.
"Ah, but how will she know which one?" he questioned further.
"Perhaps," I said while ringing up the roses, "she just likes the color?" Naruto smiled that huge grin that I loved. I felt my heart flutter and nearly fell over. All of this is so weird to me.
"That's good—I don't understand any of this flower-color-meaning crap." I coulnd't contain myself and laughed.
"Oh Naruto," more laughs impaired my ability to speak. "You're one of a kind, you." He joined me in laughing.
"And what about you? You eat flowers!" I laughed harder.
Sheesh, we must look crazy!
"They're perfectly healthy!"
"You're like…a deer!"
"Hey, you ate them too!"
"Only to be nice," he said and the laughs died down a bit. Tears were stining at my eyes, that's how hard I had laughed. "Anyways, I was wondering if you want to meet me up at the Hokage mountain when you are finished with work?"
"I don't get off for a couple of hours," I said sadly.
"I'll wait," Naruto replied.
"Alright," I said and looked at the flowers in his hand. "I'll get you a vase so your flowers don't die." Naruto looked like he had just noticed them in his hand.
"Oh, they're for you." I giggled.
"Thank you."
~*~
(Hana)
I like to believe I am a chipper person who can brighten peoples' lives with a smile and some nice words. I like to believe that I have the perfect family. However, sometimes reality crashed down upon me.
My marriage is a mess. I'm marrying the love of my life in just two days…and he won't even talk to me. He's pushing me away! Every time he does that I feel my heart break a little inside. Does he notice how much it hurts me? Why can't I be the one he confides in?
At the current time Kakashi had resolved on sleeping on the couch. Were we not legally married already? Had we not been together for months? Did…did he not want me anymore? I mean, there's tons of things wrong with me. I won't deny that. I sometimes hog the blankets, or squeaze the life out of him in my sleep. I hum when I clean. I eat slowly. I get distracted easily.
But…does he not want me because of this? Do I…do I annoy him?
I pulled the blankets over my head and curled up into a ball. Should I call the wedding off? I love him. Kami knows how much I love the man. But would he be happier if all of this went down the drain? I could leave…I…I could go somewhere else so he wouldn't have to be reminded of me.
I…I don't know where I'd go. I really don't have anywhere to go. But I'd find somewhere. I'm sure someone I know would take me in. Or would I be a nuesence to them also? I guess it's not like I lacked money. I could always go and rent my own appartment or buy my own house.
I would miss this house…but maybe that would make everyone happy? I love Kakashi and want to stay with him, but if leaving makes him happy…then well…well, I'll leave. My mind fluttered back to when I had confessed my love for him in a letter I had never intended for him to read…
~*~
Dear Kakashi Hatake,
I would have put Kaka, but I feel that is too informal for our situation.
The situation I started.
I'm so sorry. I wish I never hurt you like I did.
I wish you could love the real me instead of the person I created; Uindo.
I fully understand if you never want to talk to me again.
But please, I beg you, don't go doing irrational things that could kill or harm you in any way.
This is all my fault. I'm so incredibly sorry, I can't even find the words for it.
I wish that it didn't have to end like it did. I wish there was some way to let you forget it.
To let you feel like nothing happened...to let you forget me.
So I could disappear somewhere in the distance.
So you could be happy.
That's all I ask. I don't ask for a fake apology. I don't ask for a card, letter, or anything for
that matter.
I just want you to be happy.
To smile. Smile, Mr. Hatake. Smile because everything is beautiful.
Smile because you only have one chance. Smile because even if that one chance
hurts so badly, it feels so right in the end. Smile.
Just smile.
Mr. Hatake, I know that it is nearly impossible to forget the past. And I know we learn from past mistakes.
So remember me...?
Remember the ripping feeling inside your chest every time something reminds you of the person
I made you believe was real.
And learn from it.
Live from it.
But...smile, Mr. Hatake.
Just smile.
~*~
…but maybe it would be better if he didn't remember me. If I had just left then instead of being so self-centered. He would have been able to forget me. We could have escaped just as well. We would both be fine. But he wouldn't be hurting.
Ugh…I'm such a horrible person…
Will Naruto be better without me too? I mean, he obviously needs a father figure. It's something a mother just can't replace. He also has Ino here and we all know how much it would hurt him to leave her.
Tenten? Well, Tenten had been doing some distancing herself. Only it was to me. Ever since the heartfelt thing she said to me in the kitchen a few days ago, she had been out of the house non-stop. Only coming home to sleep and eat, ignoring conversation with me. So who was left? Who actually needed me? No one. Everyone I loved—Kakashi, Naruto, Tenten…Sasuke,
Oh, Sasuke…
Should I find him? I'm not the best ninja, of that I'm positive. But maybe him seeing me would make him return? He could live here with Kakashi, Naruto and Tenten. He would have to share a room with Naruto, but I'm sure Naruto wouldn't mind at all. Sakura would start visiting again. As much as I never liked the girl, she was probably heart broken. Now that I thought about it, I actually pitied the girl.
Imagine losing the ony you love…not because of death but because he doesn't want you.
I felt like I could relate to her. I pushed my face into my pillow as the tears began to fall. I'm not supposed to be this weak. I was raised to be a strong leader…a strong ninja. But here I am being as weak as always. Kakashi had been right when he was a kid…I was weak. I shouldn't have ever been a ninja.
I pulled myself up out of bed and didn't bother in changing into fresh and unrinkled clothes. I had slept in these but I didn't care anymore. I just didn't care. No physical thing could matter as much as Kakashi…as much as my family.
My broken…terribly broken family.
I exited the house without seeing anyone. Either they were avoiding me or they weren't home. It was hot out today. It finally started to feel like summer. The cold front was finally gone. It made me miss it. Miss its cold comfort.
I walked halfway across Konoha and arrived at a door step much later. I hesitantly knocked on the door and a petite pink-haird girl opened it. Her brow wrinkled in confusion and her eye brows twisted. "Hana?"
"Good day, Sakura," I said and bowed in greeting. "May I come in?"
~*~
We talked for many hours. We cried many tears. She told me a lot about Sasuke. Things that even I did not know. It reminded me once again that I hardly knew Kakashi. I knew he was a tad bit of a pervert, but gentleman enough to not mention things. He liked reading that book series by some Jerimiah fellow. He did not show his face because he did not want to be known as his father, even though he respected him greatly. He wanted to be known as none other than Kakashi Hatake, the copy ninja. Not White Fang's son. I knew he also had a handsome face under neath the mask. His skin was smooth and clean. His lips were full but definitely masculine. He had high cheekbones and a nice angled chin. He had a small, straight nose. The scar on his left eye only added to his beauty. It was a battle scar but it showed his deadly side. His one eye was a deep grey and the other was constantly bright crimson. Again, both showing his many sides. All in all, everything you would ever need or want to know about the man was on his face. Which is why he hid it from the world.
He didn't hide it from you…
That is true. He had opened up to me more so than probably any other person. He exposed himself to me, but not completely. I shouldn't complain. Just because I believe in full trust in a relationship doesn't mean everyone does. I trusted Kakashi a hundred percent. But sometimes I wondered how much he trully trusted me. I mean…he wouldn 't even share his feelings with me.
Am I being selfish again? This is all about me, me, me. I want to see the bigger picture. Or maybe just have someone—anyone—answer my question with a yes or no. SHOULD I LEAVE?
When I finished visiting with Sakura, I had a much higher respect for her. She went through so much heart ache and still managed to live life. She really loved him—trully, madly, deeply. He just…just didn't return her feelings. It made me think of Kakashi sleeping on the couch.
Was he trying to distance himself from me?
When I finally left her house it was dark outsid and the moon was already high in the night sky. It didn't occur to me before how dangerous it was walking around by myself that late at night. But at the time I had other things on my mind.
When I arrived Kakashi was home and on the couch. He was sitting and not sleeping but when his eyes glanced up at mine I knew he wished he were. He didn't want to see me. I used all of my will-power to not break down and cry there. He didn't want to see me…he didn't want to see me…he didn't…he didn't want me—and I don't mean want as in desire or lust for. I mean want to share his life with…want to love…want to hold close and charish. Was I again being selfish?
I walked up to him and well, we had our first real fight. "Kakashi, I know you don't want to talk to me but I need to talk to you. We're getting formally married in two days and—"
"Hana, I'm not in the mood to talk." Not in the mood? Not in the mood? How can you "not be in the mood to talk"?
"Kakashi! Will you not listen to anything I say? I NEED you. I love you so much, I just—"
"You shouldn't."
"What?" I nearly screamed.
"You shouldn't love me." I was at a loss of words.
"What? Why? I…I…you…"
"I'm not proud of things."
"So? I accept them. Naruto accepts them. Tenten accepts them. How come you're the only one who can't? We don't care!" Kakashi sprung up off of the couch.
"Well, I do! It matters to me. I…I shouldn't have just let him leave! I should have been there or him the night of that party." Pain shot through my chest. The night of the party…the night he had proposed to me. My voice came out tight.
"So all of this is about Sasuke? All your distancing and avoiding?"
"No." Another stab in the heart. I took a wobly step back, attempting to brace the throbbing in my chest. "This is about all of us. I think we should cancel the wedding." Cancel? Cancel?
"You're the one who wanted it! All this torture I've been put through, all this trouble you put everyone through and now you want to cancel it when it's in only two days?" My voice raised louder and louder as I spoke.
"Yes, I want to fucking cancel it! I regret it!" He…he swore. He knew how opposed to it I was. The dam finally broke and tears started to pour down my face. My lip quivered and I focused on not whimpering or sobbing. He regretted the wedding. The whole wedding? Did he regret me? "Look, Hana, I—"
"No," I said quietly and looked up to meet his eyes. "I don't believe it…I…I can't believe it."
"Well, believe it," he told me and laid down on the couch, pulling the blankets over himself. "Just leave…just leave me alone." I let out a quiet whimper and whiped my nose with the back of my hand—very unlady-like, I know, but at the time it was the least of my worries.
"Is that what you want—for me to leave?" I asked as I looked at his back turned to me.
"Yes." I then ran for the room. I slammed the door behind me—childish, I know. Again, not one of my worries. I let my back slide down the door until I hit my bottom on the floor. I then sat there and sobbed for hours. I couldn't take it. My heart pounded hard in my chest. Everytime it did so it would feel smaller and smaller, shrinking. It felt like someone had my heart in his hand and was squeazing it as hard as he could.
When I stopped sobbing hours later, I cleaned myself up. I showered and washed my hair. I whiped ferociously at my eyes, wishing the puffiness and redness to go away. They did not, however, so I ignored them. Kakashi was fast asleep on the couch. He did not snore, but he breathed in deeply. That was the only indication of him ever sleeping. I pulled a bag from the closet and stuffed only the necessary items into it: some clothes, some money, and some food.
I tiptoed out of the room, careful not to awake him. I knew I wouldn't. I had snuck on him before when I had collected his blood for the adoption papers. But now I wasn't trying to sneak up on him. I was trying to sneak away from him—I idly wondered if sneaking down on him was a term. It was the opposite. But I ignored that trivial thought and continued to the door. I got out easily and my shoes padded quietly against the road. It wasn't bad and no one awoke in the house.
I went down the main road, the only exit out of Konoha. It wasn't a long walk, but it was a hot walk. My wet hair clung to my face and the back of my neck. It hadn't dried from the shower yet and the mugginess of the air wasn't helping. I stopped when a figure stood directly in my path. It took me a moment to recognize him, the bright orange and black of his jacket not visible in the dark.
Naruto…
"Don't," was all he said, not moving. "Don't leave." I stood there and bit my lip, playing with the straps of the bag on my back. I didn't want to have to confront anyone.
"I have to," I responded, taking a step forward. "I can't stay here. I have to leave."
"No," he said through clenched teeth. "You don't."
"I do. I can't…" I can't be with you guys. I can't be around. It hurts everyone too much. "…follow the same path as you guys." Naruto laughed bitterly.
"Funny," he scoffed. "That's the same thing Sasuke said." My eyes bolted up to meet his. He was taller than me but we were far enough away I didn't have to crane me neck.
Sasuke…
"The same thing he said to Sakura when he left." A sob welled up in my chest but I forced it down. I was done crying. But Sasuke…my little—well, not so little—Sasuke. If he hadn't left, where would he be now? He had so much going for him. So much to offer and to be offered. He could have anything. Now? Now if he returned…well, what would he be greeted with? Would they let him return? Would they hurt him…kill him?
"That's not the same."
"Yeah, it is."
"No, I'm not going as some avenger. I'm just…going."
"Why?" I looked down, unable to hold eye contact. "Why are you leaving? Do you not like it here? Do you not like being with Kakashi and Tenten…and me?"
"It's not like that," I whispered.
"Then feel free to explain! Because I'm completely clueless here!" My eyes darted up to meet his glare. I opened my mouth to yell but closed it the instant I saw his eyes. Hidden underneath the anger there was hurt. Hurt, sadness, regret. I bit my lip and swallowed my anger, loneliness filling the gap it left.
"It hurts Kakashi to have me around...it hurts everyone. I'm going to go after Sasuke." If I could ever actually track him.
"Damn him, damn that," Naruto said and I stepped back at his swear word. "Kakashi isn't everyone—and just cause he's acting different doesn't mean he doesn't want you around."
"But he said so."
"Well, he was being a dobe. He loves you. And so do Tenten and I. If you left…well, you're the only mother I've ever known. It'd be like losing Sasuke again. I'd have another hole here in my chest." He motioned to the place over his heart, his hand in a tight fist. "I can't take that. I'll stop you by force if I have to."
Oh Naruto, I've been so focused on Kakashi and Sasuke I haven't even paid any attention to you. You're hurting again. Being with Ino helps, but there's still that ache underneath the surface.
"I'll stay," I told him. His eyes darted up to mine and I added a grin. "Besides, my tracking skills are terrible. I'd never find him." Naruto grinned back.
"Not to mention you'd get your butt kicked by me," Naruto added in and I laughed, bringing him into a hug. He had to bend down and I had to reach up, but it worked. It was different. He had grown so much. But he'd always be my little, ramen loving boy.
"I love you, squirt," I told him and stood on my tippytoes to ruffle his hair. He laughed.
"Hard to say when you're half a foot shorter than me." I joined him, laughing.
"Okay, let's head back and put you to bed. You're going to be exhausted for training tomorrow."
"Oh mom," Naruto whined. "Don't worry about me. You're the one who'll have the worry wrinkles in the morning." I stopped moving and cast him a glare, grinding my teeth together.
"He told you?" I seethed.
"He, uh, mentioned it."
"To whom?"
"Just Ino and me."
"Kami, the whole village is going to know I'm thirty!" So my worries had gone from everyone hating me to everyone knowing I was thirty in a matter of minutes. It was a much better change, let me tell you. I looked up at Naruto as we walked, his face forward. He was really growing up. Not just insanely tall, but in maturity too.
My little boy's getting all grown up!
Gosh, I sound like a grandma. UGH!
If I were to say I were the luckiest girl in the world…I wouldn't be lying, I thought as I sorted through a pile of fresh flowers. I've had many things in my life. I've been pretty—maybe even beautiful. I've been a decent kunoichi. Boyfriends—lots of boyfriends. But I've never had Naruto, and that's the only way to describe what I had. I couldn't really put it into any other words.
Being with Naruto was different than any other relationship I've ever had. I didn't need to dress to impress because Naruto really didn't notice the difference. I'm not calling him stupid. I've learned that that really is not the case. He just didn't care.
It's really different for me because I've always been so…so materialistic?
Naruto brought out a side of me I never knew I had. A fun loving almost childish side. For once I wasn't in a relationship based on passion and lust. I was in one based on happiness and his huge fox-like grins.
On our first date-like thing, we danced in the rain. It was different and totally out of my element. But now…now Naruto would whisk me away to different places. It made me feel like a hopeless romantic…maybe I am a hopeless romantic?
I arranged the bouquet of purples and pinks with a hint of white into a vace and placed it in the store window. I couldn't help but smile when I saw a certain blond haired, blue eyed guy walking toward the shop. I returned to my spot next to the cash register and heard the bell on the door ring.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a thing of flowers." Naruto would have no idea what the word was.
"You mean a bouquet?"
"Uh, yes."
"What kind?" I said, playing along with his game.
"I'm not sure…" I led him over to some of the fresher ones. "You see, I have this girlfriend and she's really into flowers so it really has to be the best. I also don't know what kind of flower is her favorite. Can you help me?" I smiled.
Girlfriend…
I showed him what was honestly my favorite arrangement of flowers. It was simple but beautiful. It had full, light pink roses with baby's breath in between. "She seems like a rose kind of person." I handed him the bouquet.
"She does…hey, what do pink roses mean?"
"Well, they can mean a variety things…happiness, joy, admiration…romance," I responded with a blush on my cheeks.
"Ah, but how will she know which one?" he questioned further.
"Perhaps," I said while ringing up the roses, "she just likes the color?" Naruto smiled that huge grin that I loved. I felt my heart flutter and nearly fell over. All of this is so weird to me.
"That's good—I don't understand any of this flower-color-meaning crap." I coulnd't contain myself and laughed.
"Oh Naruto," more laughs impaired my ability to speak. "You're one of a kind, you." He joined me in laughing.
"And what about you? You eat flowers!" I laughed harder.
Sheesh, we must look crazy!
"They're perfectly healthy!"
"You're like…a deer!"
"Hey, you ate them too!"
"Only to be nice," he said and the laughs died down a bit. Tears were stining at my eyes, that's how hard I had laughed. "Anyways, I was wondering if you want to meet me up at the Hokage mountain when you are finished with work?"
"I don't get off for a couple of hours," I said sadly.
"I'll wait," Naruto replied.
"Alright," I said and looked at the flowers in his hand. "I'll get you a vase so your flowers don't die." Naruto looked like he had just noticed them in his hand.
"Oh, they're for you." I giggled.
"Thank you."
~*~
(Hana)
I like to believe I am a chipper person who can brighten peoples' lives with a smile and some nice words. I like to believe that I have the perfect family. However, sometimes reality crashed down upon me.
My marriage is a mess. I'm marrying the love of my life in just two days…and he won't even talk to me. He's pushing me away! Every time he does that I feel my heart break a little inside. Does he notice how much it hurts me? Why can't I be the one he confides in?
At the current time Kakashi had resolved on sleeping on the couch. Were we not legally married already? Had we not been together for months? Did…did he not want me anymore? I mean, there's tons of things wrong with me. I won't deny that. I sometimes hog the blankets, or squeaze the life out of him in my sleep. I hum when I clean. I eat slowly. I get distracted easily.
But…does he not want me because of this? Do I…do I annoy him?
I pulled the blankets over my head and curled up into a ball. Should I call the wedding off? I love him. Kami knows how much I love the man. But would he be happier if all of this went down the drain? I could leave…I…I could go somewhere else so he wouldn't have to be reminded of me.
I…I don't know where I'd go. I really don't have anywhere to go. But I'd find somewhere. I'm sure someone I know would take me in. Or would I be a nuesence to them also? I guess it's not like I lacked money. I could always go and rent my own appartment or buy my own house.
I would miss this house…but maybe that would make everyone happy? I love Kakashi and want to stay with him, but if leaving makes him happy…then well…well, I'll leave. My mind fluttered back to when I had confessed my love for him in a letter I had never intended for him to read…
~*~
Dear Kakashi Hatake,
I would have put Kaka, but I feel that is too informal for our situation.
The situation I started.
I'm so sorry. I wish I never hurt you like I did.
I wish you could love the real me instead of the person I created; Uindo.
I fully understand if you never want to talk to me again.
But please, I beg you, don't go doing irrational things that could kill or harm you in any way.
This is all my fault. I'm so incredibly sorry, I can't even find the words for it.
I wish that it didn't have to end like it did. I wish there was some way to let you forget it.
To let you feel like nothing happened...to let you forget me.
So I could disappear somewhere in the distance.
So you could be happy.
That's all I ask. I don't ask for a fake apology. I don't ask for a card, letter, or anything for
that matter.
I just want you to be happy.
To smile. Smile, Mr. Hatake. Smile because everything is beautiful.
Smile because you only have one chance. Smile because even if that one chance
hurts so badly, it feels so right in the end. Smile.
Just smile.
Mr. Hatake, I know that it is nearly impossible to forget the past. And I know we learn from past mistakes.
So remember me...?
Remember the ripping feeling inside your chest every time something reminds you of the person
I made you believe was real.
And learn from it.
Live from it.
But...smile, Mr. Hatake.
Just smile.
~*~
…but maybe it would be better if he didn't remember me. If I had just left then instead of being so self-centered. He would have been able to forget me. We could have escaped just as well. We would both be fine. But he wouldn't be hurting.
Ugh…I'm such a horrible person…
Will Naruto be better without me too? I mean, he obviously needs a father figure. It's something a mother just can't replace. He also has Ino here and we all know how much it would hurt him to leave her.
Tenten? Well, Tenten had been doing some distancing herself. Only it was to me. Ever since the heartfelt thing she said to me in the kitchen a few days ago, she had been out of the house non-stop. Only coming home to sleep and eat, ignoring conversation with me. So who was left? Who actually needed me? No one. Everyone I loved—Kakashi, Naruto, Tenten…Sasuke,
Oh, Sasuke…
Should I find him? I'm not the best ninja, of that I'm positive. But maybe him seeing me would make him return? He could live here with Kakashi, Naruto and Tenten. He would have to share a room with Naruto, but I'm sure Naruto wouldn't mind at all. Sakura would start visiting again. As much as I never liked the girl, she was probably heart broken. Now that I thought about it, I actually pitied the girl.
Imagine losing the ony you love…not because of death but because he doesn't want you.
I felt like I could relate to her. I pushed my face into my pillow as the tears began to fall. I'm not supposed to be this weak. I was raised to be a strong leader…a strong ninja. But here I am being as weak as always. Kakashi had been right when he was a kid…I was weak. I shouldn't have ever been a ninja.
I pulled myself up out of bed and didn't bother in changing into fresh and unrinkled clothes. I had slept in these but I didn't care anymore. I just didn't care. No physical thing could matter as much as Kakashi…as much as my family.
My broken…terribly broken family.
I exited the house without seeing anyone. Either they were avoiding me or they weren't home. It was hot out today. It finally started to feel like summer. The cold front was finally gone. It made me miss it. Miss its cold comfort.
I walked halfway across Konoha and arrived at a door step much later. I hesitantly knocked on the door and a petite pink-haird girl opened it. Her brow wrinkled in confusion and her eye brows twisted. "Hana?"
"Good day, Sakura," I said and bowed in greeting. "May I come in?"
~*~
We talked for many hours. We cried many tears. She told me a lot about Sasuke. Things that even I did not know. It reminded me once again that I hardly knew Kakashi. I knew he was a tad bit of a pervert, but gentleman enough to not mention things. He liked reading that book series by some Jerimiah fellow. He did not show his face because he did not want to be known as his father, even though he respected him greatly. He wanted to be known as none other than Kakashi Hatake, the copy ninja. Not White Fang's son. I knew he also had a handsome face under neath the mask. His skin was smooth and clean. His lips were full but definitely masculine. He had high cheekbones and a nice angled chin. He had a small, straight nose. The scar on his left eye only added to his beauty. It was a battle scar but it showed his deadly side. His one eye was a deep grey and the other was constantly bright crimson. Again, both showing his many sides. All in all, everything you would ever need or want to know about the man was on his face. Which is why he hid it from the world.
He didn't hide it from you…
That is true. He had opened up to me more so than probably any other person. He exposed himself to me, but not completely. I shouldn't complain. Just because I believe in full trust in a relationship doesn't mean everyone does. I trusted Kakashi a hundred percent. But sometimes I wondered how much he trully trusted me. I mean…he wouldn 't even share his feelings with me.
Am I being selfish again? This is all about me, me, me. I want to see the bigger picture. Or maybe just have someone—anyone—answer my question with a yes or no. SHOULD I LEAVE?
When I finished visiting with Sakura, I had a much higher respect for her. She went through so much heart ache and still managed to live life. She really loved him—trully, madly, deeply. He just…just didn't return her feelings. It made me think of Kakashi sleeping on the couch.
Was he trying to distance himself from me?
When I finally left her house it was dark outsid and the moon was already high in the night sky. It didn't occur to me before how dangerous it was walking around by myself that late at night. But at the time I had other things on my mind.
When I arrived Kakashi was home and on the couch. He was sitting and not sleeping but when his eyes glanced up at mine I knew he wished he were. He didn't want to see me. I used all of my will-power to not break down and cry there. He didn't want to see me…he didn't want to see me…he didn't…he didn't want me—and I don't mean want as in desire or lust for. I mean want to share his life with…want to love…want to hold close and charish. Was I again being selfish?
I walked up to him and well, we had our first real fight. "Kakashi, I know you don't want to talk to me but I need to talk to you. We're getting formally married in two days and—"
"Hana, I'm not in the mood to talk." Not in the mood? Not in the mood? How can you "not be in the mood to talk"?
"Kakashi! Will you not listen to anything I say? I NEED you. I love you so much, I just—"
"You shouldn't."
"What?" I nearly screamed.
"You shouldn't love me." I was at a loss of words.
"What? Why? I…I…you…"
"I'm not proud of things."
"So? I accept them. Naruto accepts them. Tenten accepts them. How come you're the only one who can't? We don't care!" Kakashi sprung up off of the couch.
"Well, I do! It matters to me. I…I shouldn't have just let him leave! I should have been there or him the night of that party." Pain shot through my chest. The night of the party…the night he had proposed to me. My voice came out tight.
"So all of this is about Sasuke? All your distancing and avoiding?"
"No." Another stab in the heart. I took a wobly step back, attempting to brace the throbbing in my chest. "This is about all of us. I think we should cancel the wedding." Cancel? Cancel?
"You're the one who wanted it! All this torture I've been put through, all this trouble you put everyone through and now you want to cancel it when it's in only two days?" My voice raised louder and louder as I spoke.
"Yes, I want to fucking cancel it! I regret it!" He…he swore. He knew how opposed to it I was. The dam finally broke and tears started to pour down my face. My lip quivered and I focused on not whimpering or sobbing. He regretted the wedding. The whole wedding? Did he regret me? "Look, Hana, I—"
"No," I said quietly and looked up to meet his eyes. "I don't believe it…I…I can't believe it."
"Well, believe it," he told me and laid down on the couch, pulling the blankets over himself. "Just leave…just leave me alone." I let out a quiet whimper and whiped my nose with the back of my hand—very unlady-like, I know, but at the time it was the least of my worries.
"Is that what you want—for me to leave?" I asked as I looked at his back turned to me.
"Yes." I then ran for the room. I slammed the door behind me—childish, I know. Again, not one of my worries. I let my back slide down the door until I hit my bottom on the floor. I then sat there and sobbed for hours. I couldn't take it. My heart pounded hard in my chest. Everytime it did so it would feel smaller and smaller, shrinking. It felt like someone had my heart in his hand and was squeazing it as hard as he could.
When I stopped sobbing hours later, I cleaned myself up. I showered and washed my hair. I whiped ferociously at my eyes, wishing the puffiness and redness to go away. They did not, however, so I ignored them. Kakashi was fast asleep on the couch. He did not snore, but he breathed in deeply. That was the only indication of him ever sleeping. I pulled a bag from the closet and stuffed only the necessary items into it: some clothes, some money, and some food.
I tiptoed out of the room, careful not to awake him. I knew I wouldn't. I had snuck on him before when I had collected his blood for the adoption papers. But now I wasn't trying to sneak up on him. I was trying to sneak away from him—I idly wondered if sneaking down on him was a term. It was the opposite. But I ignored that trivial thought and continued to the door. I got out easily and my shoes padded quietly against the road. It wasn't bad and no one awoke in the house.
I went down the main road, the only exit out of Konoha. It wasn't a long walk, but it was a hot walk. My wet hair clung to my face and the back of my neck. It hadn't dried from the shower yet and the mugginess of the air wasn't helping. I stopped when a figure stood directly in my path. It took me a moment to recognize him, the bright orange and black of his jacket not visible in the dark.
Naruto…
"Don't," was all he said, not moving. "Don't leave." I stood there and bit my lip, playing with the straps of the bag on my back. I didn't want to have to confront anyone.
"I have to," I responded, taking a step forward. "I can't stay here. I have to leave."
"No," he said through clenched teeth. "You don't."
"I do. I can't…" I can't be with you guys. I can't be around. It hurts everyone too much. "…follow the same path as you guys." Naruto laughed bitterly.
"Funny," he scoffed. "That's the same thing Sasuke said." My eyes bolted up to meet his. He was taller than me but we were far enough away I didn't have to crane me neck.
Sasuke…
"The same thing he said to Sakura when he left." A sob welled up in my chest but I forced it down. I was done crying. But Sasuke…my little—well, not so little—Sasuke. If he hadn't left, where would he be now? He had so much going for him. So much to offer and to be offered. He could have anything. Now? Now if he returned…well, what would he be greeted with? Would they let him return? Would they hurt him…kill him?
"That's not the same."
"Yeah, it is."
"No, I'm not going as some avenger. I'm just…going."
"Why?" I looked down, unable to hold eye contact. "Why are you leaving? Do you not like it here? Do you not like being with Kakashi and Tenten…and me?"
"It's not like that," I whispered.
"Then feel free to explain! Because I'm completely clueless here!" My eyes darted up to meet his glare. I opened my mouth to yell but closed it the instant I saw his eyes. Hidden underneath the anger there was hurt. Hurt, sadness, regret. I bit my lip and swallowed my anger, loneliness filling the gap it left.
"It hurts Kakashi to have me around...it hurts everyone. I'm going to go after Sasuke." If I could ever actually track him.
"Damn him, damn that," Naruto said and I stepped back at his swear word. "Kakashi isn't everyone—and just cause he's acting different doesn't mean he doesn't want you around."
"But he said so."
"Well, he was being a dobe. He loves you. And so do Tenten and I. If you left…well, you're the only mother I've ever known. It'd be like losing Sasuke again. I'd have another hole here in my chest." He motioned to the place over his heart, his hand in a tight fist. "I can't take that. I'll stop you by force if I have to."
Oh Naruto, I've been so focused on Kakashi and Sasuke I haven't even paid any attention to you. You're hurting again. Being with Ino helps, but there's still that ache underneath the surface.
"I'll stay," I told him. His eyes darted up to mine and I added a grin. "Besides, my tracking skills are terrible. I'd never find him." Naruto grinned back.
"Not to mention you'd get your butt kicked by me," Naruto added in and I laughed, bringing him into a hug. He had to bend down and I had to reach up, but it worked. It was different. He had grown so much. But he'd always be my little, ramen loving boy.
"I love you, squirt," I told him and stood on my tippytoes to ruffle his hair. He laughed.
"Hard to say when you're half a foot shorter than me." I joined him, laughing.
"Okay, let's head back and put you to bed. You're going to be exhausted for training tomorrow."
"Oh mom," Naruto whined. "Don't worry about me. You're the one who'll have the worry wrinkles in the morning." I stopped moving and cast him a glare, grinding my teeth together.
"He told you?" I seethed.
"He, uh, mentioned it."
"To whom?"
"Just Ino and me."
"Kami, the whole village is going to know I'm thirty!" So my worries had gone from everyone hating me to everyone knowing I was thirty in a matter of minutes. It was a much better change, let me tell you. I looked up at Naruto as we walked, his face forward. He was really growing up. Not just insanely tall, but in maturity too.
My little boy's getting all grown up!
Gosh, I sound like a grandma. UGH!