My Heart Yearns
Pain
(Tenten)
I sprinted to the front gates. I'm not going to make it! And sure enough, when I got there she had just left. I stood there, panting for breath, and watching the caravan race away from the village. I watched as the last member of my family left. She didn't even look back. I felt an aching pain in my chest and I brought my hand up to clutch my shirt above it.
"It hurts again," I said, my voice cracking at the end. I looked back up at the gates of the village and pushed my hands down to my sides, clenching them into fists. I'm not going to cry! Everyone was gone. Naruto had left on his trip with Jiraiya. Kakashi had randomly disappeared a few days prior. And now, now Hana rode off into the distance with her old clan. "Am I not good enough to stay here for? Am I not good enough for you? The hell you want with me!"
"Tenten!" Hands gripped my shoulders and spun me around. I looked up into Neji's creamy white eyes. The hands on my shoulders squeezed tightly and he shook me. I noticed the tears pouring down my face and instantly felt embarrassed. I hated people seeing me cry. Hell, I hated crying. It was worse when it was someone that was closer to me—like Neji. "Ten?"
"She just left, Neji. She didn't even look back," I cried and he pulled me into a strong embrace. Tears then ran down my face freely and I didn't work to cover the sobs and hiccups. "Am I destined to live alone? To lose everyone important to me?"
"Sh, it's okay," he said, soothing my back. I knew this must be awkward for Neji and I appreciated the fact that he was trying his best to comfort me, but I was too far gone.
"I lost my whole family. Is that not bad enough?" I yelled.
"We both know that destiny is something that changes with every choice we make. I once believe in fate and destiny, but then I fought Naruto in the chunin exams and he taught me that fate is something we can fight." I loosened my tight grip on him and let my hands fall to my side.
"Neji, I just—"
"Neji-sama!" A voice called and we both turned, pulling out of the embrace. An ANBU with a fox mask ran up to us. "You are needed at the Hokage Tower immediately." I looked over at Neji as confusion marked his face. I took in a deep breath of air, savoring his smell that I recognized so easily after all the time I had spent with him. Good-bye, Neji. I turned on my heel and sprinted away silently, escaping before he could notice.
I ran down the same street Hana had gone down just before. When I got to the turn in the path, I didn't turn and ran toward the forest. At that point, I didn't care where I ended up or if I ended up somewhere. I just wanted to run and keep running, never stopping. I knew I wasn't just running away from Konoha, but my own emotions. If I pushed myself to my limits then I wouldn't have to focus on the ache in my chest, I could focus on the ache in my muscles. The latter was much easier to deal with.
~*~
(Sasuke)
I entered the small village with Kabuto at my side. The man had always given me the creeps, but I didn't let it show on my face. No, on my face was a mask of perfection; an apathetic guise with a tinge of power and superiority. I knew that if the grey haired man beside me were to turn on me, I could easily dispose of him. I'm sure he knew that too, for he stood a good distance away and didn't speak any of his usual stark comments.
The guards had attempted to ask us for some form of identification when we reached the village gate, but an Uchiha worthy glare changed their minds almost immediately. We entered at a small building and slid in the door without a glance from the villagers. We ascended the stairs and I kicked open the door at the end of the hall. A heavy set man leapt from his chair behind his desk.
I sneered at the man. He was fat and ugly, and used other men to do his dirty work. He forced his way with the villagers and despite the bad shape of the building, he was fairly rich. He hurt those lower than him and pushed his way further to the top of society, angering many along the way. Unfortunately for him, he had angered the wrong people this time.
"I'm going to enjoy killing you," I spoke, pulling my face into a sadistic smirk. Yes, this was the mask of perfection. Every emotion on my face was what I wanted them to see, every action was what I wanted them to know, and every kill was one more step toward killing my brother. The sword went through his chest in the blink of an eye, and in the next blink was out, blood pouring from the wound. The disgusting man's last words were gargled by the blood pooling into his throat.
"Have any last words?" I spoke darkly, mock showing on my face as the man's emotions flashed in his eyes; shock, confusion, pain, fear, anger, and finally death. I crouched down and closed his eyes. I could feel Kabuto's eyes on my back but I ignored him. I didn't care about him. All that mattered was Itachi. Soon I would be strong enough to kill him, to feel the satisfaction of my blade pushing through his heart, to hear the sweet sound of the gargle of blood in his mouth and on his beaten body, to see fear pass through his emotionless eyes.
I lifted myself up and turned my back on the dead man, turning to Kabuto. He didn't speak but that creepy smirk was on his face. Freak. "Let's go, Sasuke-kun." I followed him across the room but stopped in the door frame. I turned to the dead man and whispered, "Rest in peace."
We walked down the same street as before and before long, we heard screams. They had found his body. I smirked. Next time I'll be ready for you, brother. Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and I grit my teeth in annoyance. It was a nervous habit of his—his glasses never really fell down.
I paused when I saw a little girl cry and run to her mother. "He's dead, mommy—daddy's dead." I clenched my hands at my side as a pang of guilt tried to sway my prior pride in murdering the man. My mom's face flashed into my mind and I felt my mask break just a bit. Her crumpled body lay before me. The body that had held me in a tight embrace the many times I cried, the lips that kissed my forehead many times before I fell asleep, the hands that wrapped my injuries many times when I trained too hard, the empty eyes that had once smiled warmly at me and told me everything was going to be okay.
I suddenly felt a different kind of pang in my chest—an aching pain that made me feel hollow. Screams of terror echoed behind me but I didn't hear them. All I heard were the words of Hana…
~*~
"Sasuke, life is always more difficult than it seems," Hana told me, pausing for a moment. "Life finds a way to take a single frayed hem and make it into a tare…then even when you try to patch the tare it's just never the same as the original fabric." My eyes hardened. She spoke like she knew exactly how I felt. Her whole clan wasn't murdered! She didn't watch their deaths over and over! She didn't see their empty faces, saying, "Why couldn't you have just been stronger, Sasuke? Why couldn't you have been stronger? Why didn't you save us, Sasuke?"
"You have no idea," I bit out before turning on my heel and leaving the room. I stalked angrily across the hallway, my family's deaths fresh on my mind.
"Sasuke, I might not know exactly what you feel, but I do know it hurts," she said quietly. "If ever you just need a shoulder I'm here—no questions asked." I clenched my fists at my sides, a longing in my heart to turn back around and let her hold me like a lost child, whispering worthless assurances as I told her of my past. Itachi's face flashed into my mind and my arms shook in anger.
"I don't and will never need a shoulder to cry on. That is for the weak—the strong do not need such stupid things." She was silent for a moment and I thought I finally had won.
"Sometimes it's because the weak had a shoulder that they became strong," she spoke quietly. I tore across the room and slammed the door on my way out. I looked around me. I need someone to train with—someone to beat the shit out of to release all of this built up anger...
~*~
I blinked back to reality as Kabuto called my name. The tiny village was a mess. People were running around, saying that they were going to be next. Babies were crying, children were screaming, women trying to comfort, and men barking commands.
"Let's go! We're going to be caught!" Kabuto yelled at me. I looked back once more before leaving the village. The ache was still in my chest, but I pushed it back. When I got far enough away, I would train with Kabuto. I would beat him bloody and would calm down this stupid longing for something I could never have. Then, my perfect mask will be back and I will be able to focus on avenging my clan.
~*~
(Naruto)
I pushed through the crowd, searching for the perverted toad sage. He had run off with my frog wallet. He could have spent it all already! At those stupid perverted shops! Ugh! My eyes glanced over the crowd again and I stopped when I saw a head of blond hair. It was pulled up tightly into a high ponytail. My heart thudded in my chest and I forgot about what I was looking for just seconds before.
I shoved my way through the crowd and touched the girl's shoulder. "Ino!" I called. The girl turned around and I took a step back in surprise when I was met with dark brown eyes instead of the exotic blue I had expecting. My heart sunk in my chest and I apologized for wasting the girl's time.
I stood there for awhile, ignoring the busy people around me. I missed Ino. I missed Hana. I missed Kakashi. I missed Tenten. I missed Sakura. I missed Sasuke. Kami, I could go on forever. I shoved my hands into my pockets and watched the people around me. All of them were in a hurry to get somewhere. They angrily pushed people out of the way.
A small boy fell to the ground when he was pushed out of the way by a man. The boy cried but no one stopped to help him. I pushed forward and extended my arm to the child. He looked up at me hesitantly, afraid I would take it away and laugh in his face. "Come on, kid. I'm not goanna hurt yah." The boy took it and I pulled him up. His face lit up.
"Thank you! Those people are so mean. I'm always afraid to go out of the house." I looked down at him. He had bright orange hair and freckles speckled across his cheeks. I understood that too well. I used to get picked on anytime I set foot out of the house. Adults would glare at me, parents would pull their children away from me, girls and boys would mock me, and other kids my age would bully me.
"Yeah, they're always in a hurry to do something—whatever that is."
"I know!" The red-head yelled enthusiastically. "What is it that they do that is so important?"
"I still haven't figured that out, kid."
"Don't call me kid." I looked down at him and his face was set in determination. "I've got a name. It's Ryuki, and you better not forget it. Someday I'm goanna be famous and you'll be beggin' for my autograph." I crouched down to Ryuki's height and ruffled his hair affectionately.
"I'm sure you will, Ryuk. How about this? You tell me where I can take you home to and someday, when we're both older, we'll meet again and see if we've accomplished our goals. Sound good?" He gave a wide grin, showing that he was missing his two front teeth.
"Sounds like a deal!" He showed me to his house and his mother opened the door.
"Ryuki! I was worried sick about you!" She wrapped him in her arms. "Don't go running off again, you hear me?"
"Aw, mom!" The kid wined and I felt a pang in my chest. She pulled away from him and turned to me.
"Thank you so much. Is there a way I can repay you?" she asked me.
"Oh no," I told her. "I just wanted to make sure he got home safely. I can't have him getting hurt before he finishes the end of our bargain, right Ryuk?"
"Yeah!" I ducked away politely, not being able to stand the sight in front of me. Ryuki's father had come to the door and greeted him also. He chastised him like his mother and pulled him into a hug. I walked slowly through the crowd. No longer pushing and shoving my way through the crowd, I let myself be pulled in different directions.
I longed for what Ryuki had and felt utterly jealous. I had my family and yes, I missed them. But I wished I had something like that—someone to worry about me if I disappear unexpectedly. I wondered if Hana, Kakashi, or Tenten missed me or thought about me. If I came back now, would they be there by the door waiting for me?
I spotted Jiraiya's white mane of hair in the crowd. There was still a slight ache in my chest but I let a smile slide casually onto my face. I may not have someone waiting at the door for me, worrying over my safety, but I've got important people to protect. I've got people close to me. I don't get ridiculed as often. I'm starting to get respected by people. I'm getting closer to Hokage. Besides, I let the smile fade off of my face and become serious. I need to get stronger and bring Sasuke back before it's too late.
~*~
(Kakashi)
I exited the doors of the Hokage's office, an ANBU uniform replacing my usual jonin clothes. A new mission—an A-rank mission. That will take my mind off of things. Things like…well, Hana. Why is it that someone who I love so much continually hurts me so badly? She lies to me, I forgive her. She lies to me again, I forgive her again. She lies to me yet another time…how can I forgive her yet again? What is the saying? Once a liar, always a liar?
I sigh as I pull my animal mask over my face. All this time her name was Hanayo—Princess Hanayo Nakamura. She had a brother she never spoke about, she had a clan she never spoke about, and she had an entire country looking for her. The whole time she was pretending to be a family-less, penny-less, girl who quit her life as a ninja at fifteen.
Well, what did I expect? She lied to me that her name was Uindo. She lied to me that she was just an average woman. She lied to the Hokage that I signed to adopt Naruto—which don't get me wrong, I would have signed. Naruto was an incredible boy with a rough past, no family, and a promising future in front of him. He also was my student and I would have adopted him in a heartbeat.
Worst of all, she had lied to me that she loved me. Surely one could not lie so profusely to someone they care so deeply about? Isn't a relationship all about honesty? I don't understand why she kept lying…what did she get out of it? Whatever it is, I hope it was worth it to her. Now I'm just a hollow form of my prior self. The only things that let me know I'm still alive are the pain in my chest at the thought of her name and the pain I feel when I bleed. I set off on my mission, looking forward to a good battle to remove her name from entering my burdened thoughts.
~*~
(Hana)
I sat in one of the many coaches, watching the trees as they sped by. I couldn't help but wish I was running beside it instead of in it. My body could use the work. But no, it was far too un-ladylike. Sitting still made me think too much. Obviously, his name kept entering my mind over and over again. All I could think was Kakashi, no matter what I thought about.
Oh look at that tree. It's a very interesting tree. It's a nice healthy green and the bark isn't chipped. No animals have chewed on its bark. I remember reading that deer and other animals literally eat the bark. That's just gross. I wonder if dogs eat bark too. That's kind of ironic! Dogs bark and they eat bark. I wonder if "dogs barking" is dogs eating bark or making that loud noise. I could ask Pakun—he would know. After all he is Kaka…Kakash…Kakashi….Kakash Hata…Kakashi Hatake…Kakashi Hatake's—I forgot what I was thinking about.
The elderly woman from before sat across from me and she remained silent. I had tried to talk to her but quickly found out that she did not under any circumstances want to talk to me. Funny, earlier she couldn't shut up when I arrived at the house and Kakashi…Kakashi…Kakashi. My Shika. I felt the urge to cry but pushed it back. I couldn't just sit and mope around all day. I needed to do something and here I was, doing something. I was going back to my homeland where I had grown up when I was a small girl. I was going to be crowned queen and hopefully then I wouldn't think about Kakashi. Poodle poopies, I thought about him again.
Hiko. Oh, Hiko. If only I had known you were still alive! I would have been there in an instant! What happened to you? How did you survive back then? If I had known you were alive I would be with you now. I wouldn't have been in Konoha, I wouldn't have met Naruto, I wouldn't have met Sasuke, and I wouldn't have met Kaka…Kakashi. Damn.
I felt emptiness in my chest and I put my hand there to make sure there wasn't actually a physical hole. No, no physical hole was there, just an ache of loneliness, hurt, and betrayal. I was all alone—again. It made me think of the letter I had written to Kakashi all those months ago, the one I never intended for him to read, the one that had changed the horrible way things were between us…
~*~
…I wish there was some way to let you forget it. To let you feel like nothing happened...to let you forget me. So I could disappear somewhere in the distance. So you could be happy. That's all I ask. I don't ask for a fake apology. I don't ask for a card, letter, or anything for
that matter. I just want you to be happy. To smile. Smile, Mr. Hatake. Smile because everything is beautiful. Smile because you only have one chance. Smile because even if that one chance
hurts so badly, it feels so right in the end. Smile. Just smile. Mr. Hatake, I know that it is nearly impossible to forget the past. And I know we learn from past mistakes. So remember me...? Remember the ripping feeling inside your chest every time something reminds you of the person
I made you believe was real. And learn from it. Live from it. But...smile, Mr. Hatake. Just smile.
~*~
…My heart clenched in my chest and I felt the need to scream. That's not all I ask! I want to be able to forget too! I'm so tired of always being the one hurt! I'm tired of being selfless and forgiving. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to be able to see beautiful things. I want to experience that one chance. And I was wrong; it doesn't feel right in the end. I feel terrible—worse than all the other times. Remember you? I'd rather have my heart carved out of my chest and squeezed until it explodes! I don't want to learn from it, I don't want to live from it, and I don't want to smile and pretend everything is okay. It's not. I'm not okay. I hurt. I ache. I crave for you…for your touch, your smile, and your love. I don't want to remember the ripping feeling every time I think of you. I can't stop thinking about you! Anywhere I turn, I see you. I'm so blinded! I finally understand why we are taught as ninja to never have emotions, bonds, or to love. It blinds you and makes you unable to think straight. It hurts you and makes you think irrationally. It makes you vulnerable. And worst of all, it makes you want to die.
I sprinted to the front gates. I'm not going to make it! And sure enough, when I got there she had just left. I stood there, panting for breath, and watching the caravan race away from the village. I watched as the last member of my family left. She didn't even look back. I felt an aching pain in my chest and I brought my hand up to clutch my shirt above it.
"It hurts again," I said, my voice cracking at the end. I looked back up at the gates of the village and pushed my hands down to my sides, clenching them into fists. I'm not going to cry! Everyone was gone. Naruto had left on his trip with Jiraiya. Kakashi had randomly disappeared a few days prior. And now, now Hana rode off into the distance with her old clan. "Am I not good enough to stay here for? Am I not good enough for you? The hell you want with me!"
"Tenten!" Hands gripped my shoulders and spun me around. I looked up into Neji's creamy white eyes. The hands on my shoulders squeezed tightly and he shook me. I noticed the tears pouring down my face and instantly felt embarrassed. I hated people seeing me cry. Hell, I hated crying. It was worse when it was someone that was closer to me—like Neji. "Ten?"
"She just left, Neji. She didn't even look back," I cried and he pulled me into a strong embrace. Tears then ran down my face freely and I didn't work to cover the sobs and hiccups. "Am I destined to live alone? To lose everyone important to me?"
"Sh, it's okay," he said, soothing my back. I knew this must be awkward for Neji and I appreciated the fact that he was trying his best to comfort me, but I was too far gone.
"I lost my whole family. Is that not bad enough?" I yelled.
"We both know that destiny is something that changes with every choice we make. I once believe in fate and destiny, but then I fought Naruto in the chunin exams and he taught me that fate is something we can fight." I loosened my tight grip on him and let my hands fall to my side.
"Neji, I just—"
"Neji-sama!" A voice called and we both turned, pulling out of the embrace. An ANBU with a fox mask ran up to us. "You are needed at the Hokage Tower immediately." I looked over at Neji as confusion marked his face. I took in a deep breath of air, savoring his smell that I recognized so easily after all the time I had spent with him. Good-bye, Neji. I turned on my heel and sprinted away silently, escaping before he could notice.
I ran down the same street Hana had gone down just before. When I got to the turn in the path, I didn't turn and ran toward the forest. At that point, I didn't care where I ended up or if I ended up somewhere. I just wanted to run and keep running, never stopping. I knew I wasn't just running away from Konoha, but my own emotions. If I pushed myself to my limits then I wouldn't have to focus on the ache in my chest, I could focus on the ache in my muscles. The latter was much easier to deal with.
~*~
(Sasuke)
I entered the small village with Kabuto at my side. The man had always given me the creeps, but I didn't let it show on my face. No, on my face was a mask of perfection; an apathetic guise with a tinge of power and superiority. I knew that if the grey haired man beside me were to turn on me, I could easily dispose of him. I'm sure he knew that too, for he stood a good distance away and didn't speak any of his usual stark comments.
The guards had attempted to ask us for some form of identification when we reached the village gate, but an Uchiha worthy glare changed their minds almost immediately. We entered at a small building and slid in the door without a glance from the villagers. We ascended the stairs and I kicked open the door at the end of the hall. A heavy set man leapt from his chair behind his desk.
I sneered at the man. He was fat and ugly, and used other men to do his dirty work. He forced his way with the villagers and despite the bad shape of the building, he was fairly rich. He hurt those lower than him and pushed his way further to the top of society, angering many along the way. Unfortunately for him, he had angered the wrong people this time.
"I'm going to enjoy killing you," I spoke, pulling my face into a sadistic smirk. Yes, this was the mask of perfection. Every emotion on my face was what I wanted them to see, every action was what I wanted them to know, and every kill was one more step toward killing my brother. The sword went through his chest in the blink of an eye, and in the next blink was out, blood pouring from the wound. The disgusting man's last words were gargled by the blood pooling into his throat.
"Have any last words?" I spoke darkly, mock showing on my face as the man's emotions flashed in his eyes; shock, confusion, pain, fear, anger, and finally death. I crouched down and closed his eyes. I could feel Kabuto's eyes on my back but I ignored him. I didn't care about him. All that mattered was Itachi. Soon I would be strong enough to kill him, to feel the satisfaction of my blade pushing through his heart, to hear the sweet sound of the gargle of blood in his mouth and on his beaten body, to see fear pass through his emotionless eyes.
I lifted myself up and turned my back on the dead man, turning to Kabuto. He didn't speak but that creepy smirk was on his face. Freak. "Let's go, Sasuke-kun." I followed him across the room but stopped in the door frame. I turned to the dead man and whispered, "Rest in peace."
We walked down the same street as before and before long, we heard screams. They had found his body. I smirked. Next time I'll be ready for you, brother. Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and I grit my teeth in annoyance. It was a nervous habit of his—his glasses never really fell down.
I paused when I saw a little girl cry and run to her mother. "He's dead, mommy—daddy's dead." I clenched my hands at my side as a pang of guilt tried to sway my prior pride in murdering the man. My mom's face flashed into my mind and I felt my mask break just a bit. Her crumpled body lay before me. The body that had held me in a tight embrace the many times I cried, the lips that kissed my forehead many times before I fell asleep, the hands that wrapped my injuries many times when I trained too hard, the empty eyes that had once smiled warmly at me and told me everything was going to be okay.
I suddenly felt a different kind of pang in my chest—an aching pain that made me feel hollow. Screams of terror echoed behind me but I didn't hear them. All I heard were the words of Hana…
~*~
"Sasuke, life is always more difficult than it seems," Hana told me, pausing for a moment. "Life finds a way to take a single frayed hem and make it into a tare…then even when you try to patch the tare it's just never the same as the original fabric." My eyes hardened. She spoke like she knew exactly how I felt. Her whole clan wasn't murdered! She didn't watch their deaths over and over! She didn't see their empty faces, saying, "Why couldn't you have just been stronger, Sasuke? Why couldn't you have been stronger? Why didn't you save us, Sasuke?"
"You have no idea," I bit out before turning on my heel and leaving the room. I stalked angrily across the hallway, my family's deaths fresh on my mind.
"Sasuke, I might not know exactly what you feel, but I do know it hurts," she said quietly. "If ever you just need a shoulder I'm here—no questions asked." I clenched my fists at my sides, a longing in my heart to turn back around and let her hold me like a lost child, whispering worthless assurances as I told her of my past. Itachi's face flashed into my mind and my arms shook in anger.
"I don't and will never need a shoulder to cry on. That is for the weak—the strong do not need such stupid things." She was silent for a moment and I thought I finally had won.
"Sometimes it's because the weak had a shoulder that they became strong," she spoke quietly. I tore across the room and slammed the door on my way out. I looked around me. I need someone to train with—someone to beat the shit out of to release all of this built up anger...
~*~
I blinked back to reality as Kabuto called my name. The tiny village was a mess. People were running around, saying that they were going to be next. Babies were crying, children were screaming, women trying to comfort, and men barking commands.
"Let's go! We're going to be caught!" Kabuto yelled at me. I looked back once more before leaving the village. The ache was still in my chest, but I pushed it back. When I got far enough away, I would train with Kabuto. I would beat him bloody and would calm down this stupid longing for something I could never have. Then, my perfect mask will be back and I will be able to focus on avenging my clan.
~*~
(Naruto)
I pushed through the crowd, searching for the perverted toad sage. He had run off with my frog wallet. He could have spent it all already! At those stupid perverted shops! Ugh! My eyes glanced over the crowd again and I stopped when I saw a head of blond hair. It was pulled up tightly into a high ponytail. My heart thudded in my chest and I forgot about what I was looking for just seconds before.
I shoved my way through the crowd and touched the girl's shoulder. "Ino!" I called. The girl turned around and I took a step back in surprise when I was met with dark brown eyes instead of the exotic blue I had expecting. My heart sunk in my chest and I apologized for wasting the girl's time.
I stood there for awhile, ignoring the busy people around me. I missed Ino. I missed Hana. I missed Kakashi. I missed Tenten. I missed Sakura. I missed Sasuke. Kami, I could go on forever. I shoved my hands into my pockets and watched the people around me. All of them were in a hurry to get somewhere. They angrily pushed people out of the way.
A small boy fell to the ground when he was pushed out of the way by a man. The boy cried but no one stopped to help him. I pushed forward and extended my arm to the child. He looked up at me hesitantly, afraid I would take it away and laugh in his face. "Come on, kid. I'm not goanna hurt yah." The boy took it and I pulled him up. His face lit up.
"Thank you! Those people are so mean. I'm always afraid to go out of the house." I looked down at him. He had bright orange hair and freckles speckled across his cheeks. I understood that too well. I used to get picked on anytime I set foot out of the house. Adults would glare at me, parents would pull their children away from me, girls and boys would mock me, and other kids my age would bully me.
"Yeah, they're always in a hurry to do something—whatever that is."
"I know!" The red-head yelled enthusiastically. "What is it that they do that is so important?"
"I still haven't figured that out, kid."
"Don't call me kid." I looked down at him and his face was set in determination. "I've got a name. It's Ryuki, and you better not forget it. Someday I'm goanna be famous and you'll be beggin' for my autograph." I crouched down to Ryuki's height and ruffled his hair affectionately.
"I'm sure you will, Ryuk. How about this? You tell me where I can take you home to and someday, when we're both older, we'll meet again and see if we've accomplished our goals. Sound good?" He gave a wide grin, showing that he was missing his two front teeth.
"Sounds like a deal!" He showed me to his house and his mother opened the door.
"Ryuki! I was worried sick about you!" She wrapped him in her arms. "Don't go running off again, you hear me?"
"Aw, mom!" The kid wined and I felt a pang in my chest. She pulled away from him and turned to me.
"Thank you so much. Is there a way I can repay you?" she asked me.
"Oh no," I told her. "I just wanted to make sure he got home safely. I can't have him getting hurt before he finishes the end of our bargain, right Ryuk?"
"Yeah!" I ducked away politely, not being able to stand the sight in front of me. Ryuki's father had come to the door and greeted him also. He chastised him like his mother and pulled him into a hug. I walked slowly through the crowd. No longer pushing and shoving my way through the crowd, I let myself be pulled in different directions.
I longed for what Ryuki had and felt utterly jealous. I had my family and yes, I missed them. But I wished I had something like that—someone to worry about me if I disappear unexpectedly. I wondered if Hana, Kakashi, or Tenten missed me or thought about me. If I came back now, would they be there by the door waiting for me?
I spotted Jiraiya's white mane of hair in the crowd. There was still a slight ache in my chest but I let a smile slide casually onto my face. I may not have someone waiting at the door for me, worrying over my safety, but I've got important people to protect. I've got people close to me. I don't get ridiculed as often. I'm starting to get respected by people. I'm getting closer to Hokage. Besides, I let the smile fade off of my face and become serious. I need to get stronger and bring Sasuke back before it's too late.
~*~
(Kakashi)
I exited the doors of the Hokage's office, an ANBU uniform replacing my usual jonin clothes. A new mission—an A-rank mission. That will take my mind off of things. Things like…well, Hana. Why is it that someone who I love so much continually hurts me so badly? She lies to me, I forgive her. She lies to me again, I forgive her again. She lies to me yet another time…how can I forgive her yet again? What is the saying? Once a liar, always a liar?
I sigh as I pull my animal mask over my face. All this time her name was Hanayo—Princess Hanayo Nakamura. She had a brother she never spoke about, she had a clan she never spoke about, and she had an entire country looking for her. The whole time she was pretending to be a family-less, penny-less, girl who quit her life as a ninja at fifteen.
Well, what did I expect? She lied to me that her name was Uindo. She lied to me that she was just an average woman. She lied to the Hokage that I signed to adopt Naruto—which don't get me wrong, I would have signed. Naruto was an incredible boy with a rough past, no family, and a promising future in front of him. He also was my student and I would have adopted him in a heartbeat.
Worst of all, she had lied to me that she loved me. Surely one could not lie so profusely to someone they care so deeply about? Isn't a relationship all about honesty? I don't understand why she kept lying…what did she get out of it? Whatever it is, I hope it was worth it to her. Now I'm just a hollow form of my prior self. The only things that let me know I'm still alive are the pain in my chest at the thought of her name and the pain I feel when I bleed. I set off on my mission, looking forward to a good battle to remove her name from entering my burdened thoughts.
~*~
(Hana)
I sat in one of the many coaches, watching the trees as they sped by. I couldn't help but wish I was running beside it instead of in it. My body could use the work. But no, it was far too un-ladylike. Sitting still made me think too much. Obviously, his name kept entering my mind over and over again. All I could think was Kakashi, no matter what I thought about.
Oh look at that tree. It's a very interesting tree. It's a nice healthy green and the bark isn't chipped. No animals have chewed on its bark. I remember reading that deer and other animals literally eat the bark. That's just gross. I wonder if dogs eat bark too. That's kind of ironic! Dogs bark and they eat bark. I wonder if "dogs barking" is dogs eating bark or making that loud noise. I could ask Pakun—he would know. After all he is Kaka…Kakash…Kakashi….Kakash Hata…Kakashi Hatake…Kakashi Hatake's—I forgot what I was thinking about.
The elderly woman from before sat across from me and she remained silent. I had tried to talk to her but quickly found out that she did not under any circumstances want to talk to me. Funny, earlier she couldn't shut up when I arrived at the house and Kakashi…Kakashi…Kakashi. My Shika. I felt the urge to cry but pushed it back. I couldn't just sit and mope around all day. I needed to do something and here I was, doing something. I was going back to my homeland where I had grown up when I was a small girl. I was going to be crowned queen and hopefully then I wouldn't think about Kakashi. Poodle poopies, I thought about him again.
Hiko. Oh, Hiko. If only I had known you were still alive! I would have been there in an instant! What happened to you? How did you survive back then? If I had known you were alive I would be with you now. I wouldn't have been in Konoha, I wouldn't have met Naruto, I wouldn't have met Sasuke, and I wouldn't have met Kaka…Kakashi. Damn.
I felt emptiness in my chest and I put my hand there to make sure there wasn't actually a physical hole. No, no physical hole was there, just an ache of loneliness, hurt, and betrayal. I was all alone—again. It made me think of the letter I had written to Kakashi all those months ago, the one I never intended for him to read, the one that had changed the horrible way things were between us…
~*~
…I wish there was some way to let you forget it. To let you feel like nothing happened...to let you forget me. So I could disappear somewhere in the distance. So you could be happy. That's all I ask. I don't ask for a fake apology. I don't ask for a card, letter, or anything for
that matter. I just want you to be happy. To smile. Smile, Mr. Hatake. Smile because everything is beautiful. Smile because you only have one chance. Smile because even if that one chance
hurts so badly, it feels so right in the end. Smile. Just smile. Mr. Hatake, I know that it is nearly impossible to forget the past. And I know we learn from past mistakes. So remember me...? Remember the ripping feeling inside your chest every time something reminds you of the person
I made you believe was real. And learn from it. Live from it. But...smile, Mr. Hatake. Just smile.
~*~
…My heart clenched in my chest and I felt the need to scream. That's not all I ask! I want to be able to forget too! I'm so tired of always being the one hurt! I'm tired of being selfless and forgiving. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to be able to see beautiful things. I want to experience that one chance. And I was wrong; it doesn't feel right in the end. I feel terrible—worse than all the other times. Remember you? I'd rather have my heart carved out of my chest and squeezed until it explodes! I don't want to learn from it, I don't want to live from it, and I don't want to smile and pretend everything is okay. It's not. I'm not okay. I hurt. I ache. I crave for you…for your touch, your smile, and your love. I don't want to remember the ripping feeling every time I think of you. I can't stop thinking about you! Anywhere I turn, I see you. I'm so blinded! I finally understand why we are taught as ninja to never have emotions, bonds, or to love. It blinds you and makes you unable to think straight. It hurts you and makes you think irrationally. It makes you vulnerable. And worst of all, it makes you want to die.