My Heart Yearns

Month Twelve:

The hostile atmosphere between us changed. It was less…well, hostile. But by the twelfth month of being away from Konoha, that was at the blackest recesses of both of our minds. Why? Because this person we were looking for had talked to Sasuke. He had told him to meet him somewhere. Even with Sasuke's and my…friendship? Even with Sasuke's and my friendship, I still was left out of the loop. I confronted him on it.

"It's for your own good. The less you know the safer you are. People would kill for this information."

"Are you saying that you can't trust me?"

He sighed. "No. I'm saying I don't want you dead, okay?"

I took a sharp intake of breath. "Okay."

When we reached this remote place tucked between miles and miles of woods, we stopped. Sasuke insisted on going in alone. He said he would kill anyone who followed him himself. Then he just left. I reached out a hand toward him, as if to stop him. But I froze. This was something he needed to do, right? My hand dropped to my side. I was pretty sure he was going to go in there and kill whoever that person was. I was pretty sure he might regret it later, but he wouldn't be able to move on with his life without this, so I stayed back, silently praying that he would come out alive.

Juugo then insisted I go with him. Battles were brewing around us and I knew, I knew this was going to be a long day. I could feel the anticipation in my muscles, the prickle on my skin. I followed after him, Suigestu and Karin going there separate ways. Shinobi were close. Shinobi I didn't want to have to face. Shinobi I didn't want to have to see again.

Month Thirteen:

Sasuke had survived—barely. Something in him changed. I didn't see him for about a month later after the battle with that someone. He came back with blood-stained clothes and scars. He didn't say much and I simply smiled and nodded at him, my small gesture of saying a million other words I could have spurted out. My older self would have sputtered on and on about what I had been up to, trying to fill the silence that followed. The newer —no the newest me—refused to babble orpretend it never happened.

I did what I was getting good at: I rolled with it, accepted the ache of pain, and moved on. Is life long enough to waste time on trivial things? No, I don't think so.

That also may explain why I was surprised when Sasuke mentioned going back to Konoha. I mean, complete 360? I could only blink at him at the time.

"I want…I want to go back and right all the things I've done wrong. I want to apologize for all the hearts I've…all the problems I've caused." I pretended I didn't notice his substitution. "I'm not commanding you to go with me."

Come with me, I could practically hear his unspoken plea. I bit my lip. Konoha. Would Hana be there? I knew that's why Sasuke wanted to go. He had this bond with her…I don't know how to describe it. He felt like she was his gravity, the only sane thing in his life. The only thing keeping him tied down to the ground, the only thing keeping him from going crazy.

For a moment I was hurt. What did that make me? Was I just a stepping stone? Was I like a magnet compared to her gravity? I could taste the blood in my mouth.

"Sasuke, I—" He could tell the second I spoke his name what my decision was. He was an expert on reading people, especially me. I guess my mask wasn't as good as I thought. He turned around quickly, so I could only stare at his back and the way his hair rustled from the sudden movement.

"Arigato, Ten." I gasped. "Thanks for…everything."

And like that, he was gone. Like that, I was alone again. Like that, I went grasping for my chest. A hollow ache resonated from the place where my heart should be. Was I that much of a coward that I couldn't face my old friends? Where did the new and improved me suddenly go? Why was I reverting into my old self?

"Sasuke!" I screamed, my voice sounding raspy and screechy to my ears.

No response.

Only the sound of rustling leaves, a meandering stream, and the wind going through my hair. I bit my lip again, harder. I tried to hold back the tears that were forming at the corners of my eyes. Hell, no one's around!I let the tears stream silently down my face. I did, however, refuse to sob or whimper or anything that would give away the tears.

Sasuke was gone.

Why did that hurt so fucking much?

A sudden breeze caught me off guard and I took a sharp intake of breath. My breathing then came out in short gasps. I didn't look back. I pushed my hands from beside me to behind my back slightly. Hands larger and longer than my own caught them.

"Did you really think I would let you stay behind?" My heart pitter pattered in my chest, his warm hands encircling my own, making it hard for me to think. Warm breath on my neck caused a shiver to wrack down my body.

"Thank Kami you're such a selfish man," I whispered.

"Hnn." With that I turned to face him, dropping his hands. I smiled at him, meeting an emotionless face. His mouth was straight, the tips not turned up or down. His eye brows were held normally neither raised nor scrunched up. His eyes, though. Oh, his eyes. They were the same charcoal color I suspected they'd always been, but in them glinted something new—something light and shimmering. My smile widened, reaching my eyes.

You're changing, Sasuke.I wanted to sing. I wanted to shout. Hell, I would have dancedI was so happy! You're changing for the better.

Month Fourteen:

Something had gone so terribly wrong with something so beautifully right. He was taken away from me. Kami, he was gone! They took him and shackled him. They grabbed onto him, pulling his arms in a painful position and hitting his chakra points. They put a chakra receder on him. They put chakra infused metal strings on him. They acted like he wasn't human, like he was some kind of wild animal that they had tried to tame, but ended too wild and had to be put down.

Hands gripped my wrists tightly, forcing me too into a painful hold. I noticed it was Neji holding onto me. Rough, he was so rough on me. I didn't bother to take in his changed appearance; my life source was being pulled away in a different direction! To somewhere with a strange feel that made me shiver, to someplace dark, somewhere evil.

"Stop!" I screamed, thrashing at Neji. "Don't you dare hurt him! Don't fucking touch him!" I kicked, I thrashed, I bit, and I'm sure I bruised. But it was all in vain. He was pulled away, out of sight. I sagged against my captor's grip. It was over. My life was over.

"Tenten, stop! We can still save you from execution," Neji said quickly, a plan forming in his head, I'm sure. "Pretend you're not attached to him. They'll pardon you. Everything will go back to normal."

"I don't want everything to go back to normal," I told him, falling to the ground when he stopped holding me so tightly. His hands lingered on my wrists, but not so tight that they bruised my skin.

"They'll kill you, Tenten. He's a traitor," Neji said earnestly. He had really cared for me, I realized. He wanted everything to go back to the way they were before everything changed so many months ago. But it couldn't. I wasn't the same angry person I was before. I had become someone more positive, more cheerful. And my reason for happiness, cheerfulness, and life had just been ripped from me.

"Kill me," I whispered. "You might as well kill me."

~*~

(Hana)

They forced me to leave. Kakashi drug me away from Sasuke and out of that dirty pit of a dungeon. I didn't even fight him. It hurt so much that Kakashi hated me so much. It hurt that any small amount of hope that I might have had of us being a couple again, was gone. He had moved on.

I didn't see the new hokage after leaving the dungeons. Kakashi lead me to our old house. It still stood tall and white, it's blue shutters and the flower boxes that were once full of flowers, broken and withered. We didn't talk at all and the silence was surprisingly not awkward. No one was struggling to make conversation. I fell into a daze, not being able to accept anything that was happening.

The neighbors were nervous around me, I found out when we arrived. It was like I was an enemy. They all ushered their children inside and told them not to talk to me or go near me. I half expected them to bar their windows and brace their doors.

I flopped down on the couch. Kakashi, obviously, wasn't living there anymore. I guess this place reminded him of me? Could that be a good thing? Maybe he still felt something for me. I felt it again, the hope bubbling inside my chest.

Don't get your hopes up, Hana. I chastised myself. You'll just hurt yourself again.

I stayed in the house for days, mulling over anything and everything. I wondered if Takeo was put to death, or at least jailed. I wondered if that evil secretary of mine had taken over mycountry yet. Funny how they all betrayed me, yet I still cared about them.

On the fourth day of me living in Konoha again, I left the house. I walked through the town, seeing all the destruction. What had happened here? I soon found out that not only were my neighbors nervous of me, everyone was nervous of me. People stared at me wherever I went. When I entered a shop, it was like a domino effect of heads whipping in my direction.

Let's just say it made me feel outcast. What had I done to deserve this? Leaving Kakashi? He left me first! It was easier to put all the blame on him, rather than accept that maybe it wasn't entirely his fault. Maybe if I had stayed, not acted irrationally, maybe he would have come back. Was that the problem in our relationship? That we were both hurt easily, and then reacted without thinking?

The next day when I was spending time outside the house, I saw Kakashi. He was walking in his jounin uniform down the street of many of the shops. I stared at him as he walked by. He didn't even glance at me. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. I bit my lip.

Don't show him that you care,I told myself. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I went up to the Hokage Tower again. I went to visit Sasuke. They wouldn't let me in. This new hokage, there was something off about him, something wrong.It wasn't that he was covered in bandages—I'd seen plenty of injured people before. It was that he had this creepy presence. Something was off about his chakra signature.

I briskly ignored it, focusing on ways I could visit Sasuke. Barging in there would do me little good. Yes, I would see him once, but they would soon force me back and make sure it never happened again. So I continued in my mulling.

When moseying around, I did what I was good at—I wrote. It was a way of letting out all the emotions I was bottling up inside. It kept me from going insane.

Dear Kakashi,

My mind tells me not to hope,

My heart tells me to give you another chance.

The truth is I'm not mad at you. I'm just hurt.

The fact that every time your name pops up,

My heart sinks a little bit deeper in my chest.

You don't realize what you've made me go through,

But I can guarantee you're not doing it again.

Thanks for teaching me how much it hurts,

To be played, lied to, and hurt…

I've learned a lot.

~Hana.

I pushed the letter deep under the pillows of the couch. I sat straight and breathed. So Kakashi was different. He was…crueler. But maybe he believed what he said about Sasuke. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing.

Was he happy?

I lifted myself from my couch, looking outside of the window. Seeing none of my neighbors out, I took off. I walked down the near empty streets. I saw him then. He was talking to a beautiful black haired, red eyed woman. A woman he had feelings for forever now. I just couldn't compare.

I watched them, feeling my heart sink so deep into my chest that it was in my stomach. The woman laughed at what he said and a smile appeared on his face. It lit up the features that I had assumed were in a permanent frown.

Was he happy?

Yes, he was happy.

Was I happy?

Of course not.

I turned around, going back to where I'd come. I realized in that second that it didn't matter if I was happy or not. It didn't matter I f my lungs would collapse, my brain turn to gush, and my heart squeeze. All that didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was if he was happy. If he was happy, I could cope. If he was happy, I would put my silly feelings aside.

I realized that love isn't selfish.

I realized that I loved Kakashi Hatake—and that I could never truly have him.

I realized that loving someone means wishing what's best for them—not myself.

So despite the ache in my chest and the tears in my eyes, a smile found its way onto my face. There was newfound energy in my step. The sky above me held fewer clouds. The sun shone brighter.

I realized that life would go on.

~*~

(Tenten)

I found myself uncomfortable around someone I had once been close to. I had once considered Neji Hyuuga family. But Neji and me? We had once lied to ourselves that we had a chance—that we could work out. But that had been a lie.

I was put under house arrest. A ridiculously mild punishment compared to Sasuke's. What was the difference between us? We had both left the village behind. The only difference was that he had fought to become stronger; killedto become stronger. Literally.

I wasn't saying that I condoned the countless lives that he ended too soon. I'm not saying that I didn't feel for all the families that were torn apart abruptly. I didfeel for them. I had felt something very, very similar. But Sasuke wasn't a bad person. He didn't go to bed at night thinking about killing people and how to experiment on their children. That was Orochimaru, not Sasuke, and people didn't draw the thick line that should be between them.

Orochimaru was a killer because he enjoyed it. Sasuke was a killer because he felt he had to do it. He did it because he felt like that was the only way to accomplish something that actually felt like the right thing to him. He thought avenging his family was the one good thing he could actually do—to make up for all the bad things he believed himself responsible for.

It was awkward when Neji and Lee took me out of the house to a ramen bar. It wasn't that we hadn't been there a million times before, memorized the menu, and knew everyone there's name by heart. It was that conversation was hard to find and I had changed once again.

It wasn't that I was bipolar—hell, maybe I was. It was that I had always believed what I was brought up believing. The Academy told us what we believed was right and wrong. In a way, we were robots. This person is bad because he did this. This person is good even though he did this because he did this to make up for it.

Who were we to judge who was right and who was wrong?

Lee filled the tense atmosphere with gossip. I learned the name of the new hokage—Danzo. I learned that he was supposedly the leader of a group called Root but not to tell anyone because it was confidential.

These people were once my closest friends and utter confidants. So when a smile broke out across my face, it was genuine. Not some plastic guise that I pulled out of my ass. I felt us slipping into our old roles. Before I became depressed. Before I left Konoha.

"Lee, you sure as hell better not drink that!" I said, grabbing away the sake bottle he had bought. I placed it in front of Neji, who could hold his liquor better than any man I had ever met.

"Why does heget to drink it?" Lee whined, motioning toward Neji.

"I don't tear down buildings when I'm drunk."

"That was once!"

"I recall at least twice," I said, laughing at how quickly the tension between us lifted.

"Tenten!" I turned around to see Kiba, Hinata, and Shino. Kiba had been the one to call my name, the other two being more withdrawn. I eyed the arm he had nonchalantly placed over Hinata's shoulders. Smooth, Kiba, smooth. I glanced over to Neji who seemed slightly agitated but not furious over the gesture. I raised an eyebrow. How long has this been going on?

"No need to shout, her hearing is still intact," Neji said, rolling his eyes beside me. The bar was suddenly more crowded. Shino took the seat next to Neji, happy to sit next to someone less loud than the dog boy.

"H-he's excited…t-that's all," Hinata said quietly, a small smile on her face. Kiba pulled a chair up on my left, obviously avoiding the older Hyuuga cousin on my right. Lee happily moved over so that Hinata could have the seat next to Kiba.

"Yo, Kiba!" I called pointing to Neji's now empty sake bottle. "Next round is on you!"

"Minus Lee," Shino supplied what everyone had been thinking.

"I know," Lee sighed, sipping his sprite and cherry syrup drink.

"Arm wrestle me!" Kiba told me. I laughed, instantly accepting. Hinata giggled, cheering Kiba on.

"Start in three, two, one…go!"

Later that night when I lay in bed I felt guilty. Guilty because there I was, drinking myself happy with my old friends, while Sasuke lay somewhere unknown, shackles on his feet and wrists. How could I be so selfish?

All I could see in my head was the image of Sasuke being pulled away and chained. All I could see was Neji telling me to lie about him to save myself. All I saw was the flicker of Sasuke's eyes to mine. He was saying, "We wanted this—I wanted this. I'm going to pay for my past mistakes the only way I know how. Don't try to stop me. Don't get into any trouble because of me."

It all made me feel terribly guilty. Guilty because I had even thought about what Neji said. Guilty because Sasuke trusted me and cared about me so much that he would have told me to do the same thing. No matter what way I moved things around in my head, Sasuke would be victimized.

I had promised I would be there for him. But now I wasn't.

I had nightmares that night.

The next morning—around four o'clock to be exact—I came up with a plan. It wasn't full proof or anywhere close to that. It was flawed and I didn't have a plan b. But it was the only thing I could come up with on the fly.

I found myself lying to someone I had once been close to. I pretended to be what I had once been: immature. I wouldn't eat in front of him, wouldn't talk to him, and would say that I wished to be killed. A year ago, I would have meant all those things. A year ago, I hadn't found someone to live for.

Neji and the others were completely thrown off by my one eighty behavior, but I guess I used to be pretty bipolar, because they believed it. The others stopped visiting me and I thought this for the better, for I would be less likely to go back to my comfort zone and forget the plan.

After maybe a week of not eating, I was sent to the hospital. They put me on an IV drip and several other needles punctured my body. Everything was a bit hazy because I had actually had to starve myself. But if I blinked enough, I could see well enough.

Neji stayed by my side for hours upon hours. It made me feel bad about betraying him. He had cared for me and done everything in his power. I was willingly going to hurt him. I was willingly going to try to help someone that had hurt him.

But all I could see in my head was the image of them treating Sasuke like he was an animal being lead to the slaughter. All I could see was this changing Sasuke. This boy who was finally becoming a man. A boy, who had had his problems, dealt with them the best he could, and was now owning up to the consequences.

When I felt my body start to become stronger, I made my move. I yanked the needles from my skin, made my way to Neji, and hit a pressure point behind his neck, watching as he fell backward in an induced sleep. I was no byakugan user, but I had read enough books to know the general positions of the chakra points and which ones did what. I only hoped I hit the right one. Without the eyes, it was impossible to tell until the symptoms later arose.

I slipped out of the hospital gown, spotting my old clothes and pulling them on. I filched Neji's weapons pouch, a signed paper from the Hokage stating the person's position in anbu, and tore the sleeve off of my left arm, exposing my old anbu tattoo.

I was lucky I knew Konoha like the back of my hand. The hospital was right near the Hokage building. The guards were suspicious of me at first. "I'm speaking on behalf of the council at the Uchiha's prosecution. The Hokage re-enlisted me into duty."

The guard there studied my tattoo and the signed paper once more before ushering me forward. He didn't even follow me in. I practically broke the door to the dungeon off of its hinges. I took the dark, eerie stairs two at a time.

My heart was beating a mile per minute. I pushed off the last stair and turned to the left, going toward the S-Ranked holding cell. I undid the various locks on the metal door and pushed it open, wincing at the loud sound it made. Hay itched at my feet and the humid air prickled at my skin, but I could only stare at the man in front of me.

I could only stare at the bandages over his eyes, the dried blood soaked to them. My breath lodged in my throat. My brain went blank. His head shot up and I could tell he was straining to sense me. He was straining to tell who I was. I let my chakra seep out around me, hoping he would recognize it. Words were too much for me.

My heart leaped out of my chest when I saw him shrink back on his stool. He was afraid. He had lived his whole life relying on his eyes and his sharingan. Now without them, he felt helpless and weak.

Blood boiled beneath my veins. What sick bastard had done this to him? My face grew hot with anger. I yanked the keys off of the wall and pushed them through the key hole, turning it angrily.

"Sasuke, it's me—Tenten." His body jerked straight, shock eminent under the wrappings.

"Tenten, get out of here."

"No," I said going up to him and cutting his chakra strings with my own chakra. "I'm here to help you."

"Tenten, I…"

"Let me help you," I begged him, standing him up on his feet. I watched him, waiting for his response. It came a few seconds later, in the form of a sigh.

"Okay."

And we were rushing out of there.

Sasuke may have been blind, but he still had his chakra. He pushed it out in front of himself, feeling with his chakra instead of his eyes. That's why he didn't notice the kunai that was thrown at him as he opened the dungeon door. Thank kami I was able to block it with another kunai.

In front of us stood the very, verycreepy Hokage who had stolen his position from the realhokage. "What do you think you're doing?" He asked in his old, wise-ass sounding voice.

"I'm getting Sasuke out of here so your nasty hands can't touch him," I said narrowing my eyes into slits.

"My nasty hands?" he sounded like he was talking to himself. "Do you want to see what I have on my hands?" He slowly pulled the bandages from on top of his hands. Both Sasuke and I gasped—Sasuke, because he had felt the familiar spike of chakra and me because I saw the sharingan eyes staring back at me.

"Those…that's impossible!" I gasped as I recognized those eyes. They were Sasuke's eyes. What…what a cruel bastard.

I instinctively pulled Sasuke behind me. Something deep, down inside of me burst. Darkness suddenly filled my veins. I actually wished to kill this man in front of me. Not only kill, but to torture in the most violent ways.

"These are my trophies…each pair gathered over time. With so few left, I couldn't resist." The creepy part was that the man's voice stayed emotionless as he spoke. I couldn't help but stare at the eyes that belonged to Sasuke. How could someone just cut them out?

"Tenten, don't look!" But it was too late. The world around me suddenly changed. Black and white entered my vision, pain erupting everywhere in my body. Sasuke was suddenly in front of me, his eyes still intact and on his face. A wooden cross held me down and I got the feeling that this wasn't Sasuke in front of me.

"What do you fear most, Tenten Mitsashi?"

I screamed.

~*~

(Sasuke)

I hadn't felt useless since before I had gone to Orochimaru. I had worked long hours, killed thousands of people, and surpassed everyone so that I could know I was not useless. I had perfected my eyes and even killed Itachi. But now all the time I had spent honing my eyes was worthless. It was like a step backward because now my enemy had them.

It made me angry that he had just taken them from me. Used me like a bit of property and thrown be down into those dungeons because he had nothing left to do with me. I had every reason to be angry. And that's why being livid didn't surprised me.

What did surprise me, though, was this protective feeling I felt over Tenten. It made me feel utterly useless because I couldn'tprotect her. She deserved someone who could.

I managed to somehow catch her before she hit the ground. I set her down gently and reached for the kunai in her weapons' pouch. I stood up and tried with all my being to somehow be able to see my surroundings.

It didn't come in the form of me seeing from my eyes on Danzo's hand or growing new eyes on my own face. It came in an odd sensation of swirling blue. I couldn't see, that much was obvious. But it was almostlike seeing. When Danzo raised his hand to attack me, I feltit. I threw a kunai, catching him off guard.

He laughed. "I hadn't expected your aim to still be good. I shouldn't have underestimated an Uchiha."

"Damn straight." I carefully avoided harming Tenten's body in anyway. I pushed forward with attacks on Danzo, him suddenly finding himself on the defensive side. I felt a surge of power run through me and this other light, fluttery feeling enter me. Something that felt suspiciously like hope.

The feeling was squashed as quickly as it had come. Danzo gripped a hand around my forehead—hard.He threw my body into the ground, still holding me, and pushing me into the floor beneath us. I couldn't understand how I could feel dizzy without being able to see. Nothing really made sense anymore.

I reached out to the girl beside me, my hand contacting her own. It was warm and I held it tightly. I was going to die. But for some odd reason, that was okay. It was okay because I had fulfilled my promise to my family. It was okay because Itachi was in a better place. It was okay because Tenten had stopped me from becoming truly evil.

Tenten!

It was suddenly completely notokay. She didn't deserve to die this way. Not spending seventy-two hours in Tsukunomi, being tortured with only Kami knows what, and then being killed in the most horrific way possible. No, Tenten deserved some good in her life. I felt guilty for having brought her here. She had obviously not wanted to come.

I almost lost her over it.

I didn't know what I was going to do if she hadn't stopped me. Would I have stayed with her, rather than return? Would everything be better? Would I be able to see? To protect her?

I was now full of regret. Regret that I couldn't tell Hana that she haddone her best. Regret to tell Kakashi it wasn't his fault. Regret to tell Naruto that I never really severed that bond. Regret to tell Tenten that I didn't believe in love, but that I definitely felt something toward her.

I could picture Itachi in front of me, shaking his head, disappointed that I had given up so easily. What would you have me do?I spoke to him. He just continued shaking his head side to side. What the hell should I do? I shouted. He looked up at me, his sharingan eyes blaring at me.

Live.

One simple word that was a million times harder than it sounded. I promise, brother. I promise that I will do my best, but that I cannot accomplish the impossible.

I could picture him smirking coyly in front of me, like he knew something that I did not.

I understood just milliseconds later when a familiar loud voice shouted, "What the hellis going on?"

Naruto.