My Heart Yearns

(Kakashi)

..."Kakashi."

"Mmm," Kakashi mumbled in his sleep.

"Kakashi," the voice called to him. It was sweet, angelic. It flittered gently on the breeze.

"Who's there?" he muttered while opening his eyes. He looked around him. He was in a woods, the sun just coming up. The sun cast shadows about, but not the scary kind. He was surrounded by flowers...daisies. He felt a presence and quickly turned toward it.

"Uindo?" he said. She was a haze, a beautiful blur. She leaned down to his sitting height, her butt raised in the air. Then she gently kissed him on the lips.

"Kakashi," she said in her cherubic voice. The voice skidded off the flowers, trees, and pond. It skipped around the air.

"Why are you here?" he questioned. A small smile fell upon her face. It made her gentle features glow. She kissed him again before standing.

"Why are you here?" he repeated. Her smile fell into a frown, her face no longer with the beautiful glow.

"Set me free," she said quietly.

"Set you free from what?"

"Please," she said sounding desperate. Her blurry form started to disappear. She reached out to him, her hand nearly touching his face. When her hand was almost touching his face it started disappearing. "Set me from myself, my emotions, my past."

"I will, Uindo, I promise."

...I jumped forward, my breath uneven. As I was gasping I looked around me, at my surroundings. I was still in the tent I had set up the night prier. I sighed putting my hand to my head. I rubbed my face.

"A dream," I mumbled. I picked up myself and my camp. Then I headed to my destination once again. It became dark quickly and I stopped, hearing voices. Not people's voices, voices of the wind. I twisted quickly, dodging a kunai that was aimed for my head. I skillfully pulled three kunai out of my pouch and turned toward where the other had come from. Laughing started to come from the edge of some trees.

"The copy ninja," came a voice. Not an angelic voice, a demonic one. Then five large men appeared. Not large as in fat, large as in big muscled, strong. I grabbed three kunai for my other hand also.

"Who are you, what do you want?" I asked quickly. The man, who looked like the leader of the group, laughed again. His voice deep and harsh. Then, suddenly, I felt something hard hit my head. I could feel blood coming from where I had hit. I tried to stay standing straight but failed miserably. I started to fall to the ground face first, but I'm not sure if I did because I passed out before I hit.

~*~

(Hana)

Naruto handed me the plate again and I sighed. I reluctantly took the plate and set it in front of me, then glared at it. Naruto took his own plate and sat down beside me. Then he picked up his chopsticks and started eating his food. "Morning, Mom."

"Morning," I mumbled still staring at the plate. "I'm not hungry."

"Eat up!"

"I'm not hungry," I whined. He looked over at me.

"I can always hand feed you again," he said with a sly smirk on his face. I glared at him for a short second before looking at my plate. Then I grabbed my chopsticks and started to force the food down. I got several bites in before his face flashed in my mind. Kakashi. The food, that I had recently swallowed, suddenly was in the back of my throat. I ran to the bathroom and shut it. I got to the toilet just in time and vomited the food. I put my hand to my neck, it burned.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked from the other side of the door.

"Of course, Hon!" I said to him, my voice surprisingly not scratchy. "I just need to use the bathroom. Be out in a minute!" I heard Naruto go back to the table so I slouched over the counter, looking at myself in the mirror. I really did look like a muddle. I grabbed a brush off the sink and brushed through my long hair. Then I grabbed my small make up case and started to touch up my face. When I looked at my reflection again I didn't look so bad, the make up covering up my gloomy face. After I put the pouch away I flushed the toilet making it sound as if I really did use the bathroom. Then I washed my hands and headed out of the bathroom.

"It took you long enough!" Naruto complained.

"Sorry," I said to him before sitting down.

"There's a bird flying outside the window," Naruto said standing up. He leaned out and grabbed the letter of it's foot.

"It's probably for you, Naruto. Have fun on your mission," I said as I dumped my soup down the sink without him noticing. He turned to me quickly and I dropped the bowl in the sink.

"It's for you."

…

"Did you just...?"

"No."

"Then why...?"

"Finished."

"But-"

"Have to go. Bye." It's not like I was excited to get a letter. Quite the opposite. However, I did not want to go through Naruto's "I'm your son you have to eat" thing that was becoming a routine. Me saying I'm not hungry, him saying he's my son and he gets to make me, me giving in, him getting distracted, and me dumping it out. I walked silently to my room with the letter carefully between my fingers.

My throwing up was getting worse. The smell of the food was making me nauseous. I closed the door and sat down on the bed. With shaky hands I opened the envelope.

Dear Hana Nakamura,

Come to my office immediately.
This is not a request. It is an order.
If you are not here within a half an hour I will send a team of ANBU Black Ops to get you.
Do not think of running.
We will find you.
Come quickly.

- Godaime, Tsunade.

"Damn," I mumbled. She made it sound like I was in trouble. I didn't do anything, though. Maybe she just wanted to talk? No. I knew exactly why she called me. It wasn't the first time I had been called by the previous Hokage and the one before that. I knew exactly what they wanted. They wouldn't get it. I pulled on a pair of dark shorts and a blue and grey striped shirt—a pair of simple sandals on my feet. Then I headed out to the Hokage's building, afraid of her actually carrying out her threat.

"Hokage-sama?" I said knocking on the door.

"Come in," replied a woman's voice. I sighed and took a deep breath before opening the door and walking in. I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for what I knew she would ask. So when she did finally ask it would be a simple "no, I'm sorry, good bye."

"Hokage-sama," I said bowing.

"Hana," she stated quickly, getting to the point. "I didn't call you here to have a pirty conversation with you."

"Petty?" I questioned.

"That's what I said," the Hokage replied. I felt my nose wrinkle in disgust. I could smell the strong scent of alcohol coming from Tsunade's breath.

"You were saying?" I said.

"Ah yes," she looked over to the window. "I want you to become an ANBU." I inwardly rolled my eyes at this and sighed. This was so old school. This is exactly what I had expected.

"No. I'm sorry, but right now life is too busy."

"No, it's not," Tsunade replied leaning back in her chair.

"I have the flower shop and my aunt and uncle to take care of."

"Hana, they're dead. You don't work at the flower shop anymore."

"How did you-?"

"And I know some secrets you and Kakashi wouldn't want the world to know."

"Such as?" I asked.

"Four nights ago Kakashi and you got married. Then three days ago you both signed papers. You to adopt Naruto, him to become an ANBU once again." My eyes widened. He became an ANBU? Such recklessness! What about his team? Even if he felt nothing of leaving me behind, what of his team?

"Do you know what each of those includes?" I nodded my head. "Kakashi, signing the papers, said that he was not married and during his time as an ANBU would not have any kind of a romantic relationship." Wow. She was drunk and she could still say long words.

"And you," she said and I nearly jumped. "You signed the adoption papers, that a husband and wife have to sign...in blood. You went to Kakashi's apartment, pricked his finger, and signed it yourself as him."

"I...I..." I didn't know what to say. I was still flabbergasted that she knew all this.

"You both did highly punished crimes. Death penalty kind of crimes," I cringed as she said it. "However, I will let you both free of them, without telling any one else, if you become an ANBU."

"Why me?" I questioned quietly. "What is so important about me now? Fourteen years ago no one wanted me on their team. No one wanted to know me. Yet alone want me to be on ANBU. I have no great skills, no talents, I'm a washed out old lady with no money to her name and no living family."

"Hana," she said to me. I looked up at her, willing the tears to not come. With a husband who doesn't want her, was what I was going to say. However, I knew the words wouldn't come out without tears, so I didn't say them. "You sneaked into another ANBU's house, sliced their finger, and stole their blood. They did not even stir. Now you are telling me you have no talent? I think differently."

"I need to get back home to my son," I bowed before turning around and griping the handle.

"You go through that door and Kakashi dies." I was frozen in place. I tried to turn the handle, willing my hand to move. It wouldn't move a fraction of an inch. Why? Why me? Why must I love him? He hates you, let go of him, I kept saying to myself. My brain wishing so much to leave, to disappear from that room, could not over power my heart, because my heart wanted to love him and at that moment didn't care if it hurt me again. I turned toward her. She smirked.

"He was kidnapped, two days ago. Your mission description is in this scroll," she handed it to me. I looked at it in my hands. "Go to Gai and he'll get you some ANBU clothes."

"Yes ma'am," I said sadly, and then left the room. My fists clenched around the scroll. I don't know if I can save you Kakashi, but even if all I can do is take your place, I will gladly do that then know you are suffering.

~*~

"Why me? Why me?" I mumbled to myself. Who would have known that Might Gai was extremely...how do I put this...gay in a straight way?

"Let me see!" he said coming up to me. I pulled the shirt over my head as quickly as I could as he barged in the small room with a million mirrors. "Hmm. It doesn't quite fit your curves right. You have amazing curves; it just makes them look dull."

I really lost all patience with him within the first hour I was here. All the extra small ANBU outfits were exactly the same! None of them was "hugging my curves" perfectly or "fitting my form" just right!

"Well, on to the next one!" he said too enthusiastically. He all but ripped the clothes off of me. I kicked him out and changed fast before he could walk in on me again.

"How do you look?" he yelled coming in again. He looked at me and turned all the way around me. Then he put his face extremely close to my chest. I felt the heat rise to my face and even went down to my neck. "It doesn't fit your breasts quite right." Without being able to restrain myself I punched him straight in the face. He landed hitting the wall, even though at the moment I didn't really care.

"Not that you have ugly breasts!" he stated quickly, his left eye already bruising. "They're actually quite beautiful breasts! Very...youthful!" He stood up and walked over, ranting about my chest. I couldn't help the blush that was probably over my whole body...is that possible? I couldn't stop my anger either. I felt like he had no dignity. He was standing there ranting about my chest for goodness sake!

"I wonder what they look like by themselves. Nothing covering the youthful things," he said kind of out of it.

"Gai!" I screamed at him.

"Right!" he said pulling out another. "Try this one." He ran out of the room before I could punch him. I decided not to change and ruffled the new outfit he gave me, then I threw it on the floor. He burst in and I looked toward him.

"Perfect!" he yelled. "It fits your breasts perfectly! It's like a work of art!" One of these days, I thought to myself. He's going to randomly die in a dark alley on his way home from work.

"Oh no," he stated sadly as he was half way around his circle. "Your butt. It doesn't fit right. It makes your butt look wrinkly." I wanted to kill him for mentally taking my clothes off. He threw another outfit at me. Then left the room. I yanked the new one of the hanger and threw it on the floor. Then straightened out my...as he called it...the pants...butt area.

"Coming in! Let's see!" he barged in. He circled me twice, staring and making me feel very self conscious. Then his face lit up. "Perfect! It's absolutely perfect! It highlights every beautiful feature of your youthful body!" I was about to kill myself or him before I got out of that place. If I hadn't gotten out when I did I would've ended up murdering someone.

~*~

"Hana!" I quickly turned toward where the voice came from. Ino was running toward me and stopped right in front of me.

"How did you know it was me?" I questioned her. I had my ANBU outfit and mask on.

"You're the only person in Konoha with long black silky hair," she replied like it was obvious.

"Oh," I responded kind of dumbly.

"Any ways, I heard from a random little bird that you were going on an ANBU mission," I rolled my eyes, flashing back to the conversation with Naruto…

"Leaving?" he questioned, his eyes almost glazed over.

"Just a simple mission, I'll be back as soon as I can," I replied to him. I could see his emotions, that were flying through his mind, in his eyes.

"Promise?" he asked. His question threw me off guard.

"I promise."

"Promise you'll be back here, alive?" he choked it out. "Not in a wooden box."

"Oh Naruto," I said putting my arms around him. "You silly silly boy. I'll be back here in no time, in one piece and not in a brown box. Okay?" He nodded.

"I believe you, Mom." No matter how many times he called me that it always tugged at my heart. Mom. Such an honor to be called mom. Such a privilage.

"I love you, Hon."

"I love you too, Mom."

"…Hana? Hana?" I blinked a few times taking in my surroundings. "Are you okay?"

"Fine!" I said to Ino.

"Well, as I was saying, you better come back here in perfect condition or I swear-"

"Ino," I cut her off. "I'll be perfectly fine." Her eyes softened.

"Naruto will really be hurt if you come back hurt or...dead," she said to me. "I would be too, because, well, you're like an older sister to me. An awesome one."

"Thanks, Ino," I responded putting my arms around her.

~*~

I was either completely crazy or courageous. Right now I was leaning toward the crazy part. How long has it been since I actually fought? Longer than I wanted to admit. And here I am going to try and save someone who is in perfect shape and has been training for fourteen more years than me. Yes, definitely crazy. He was always better than me anyways. What was I doing? I stopped in my run. Going to meet my death? Was it considered suicide if you knew by doing something you would die? If I didn't go then Kakashi would die. Even though he hurt me I still loved him. I should have told him who I was earlier.

I started to run again.

I just got so wrapped up in it. Naruto was also a reason why I was doing this. Because he deserves so much more than what he's gotten. He deserves someone he can count on. Someone he can trust fully. I grit my teeth. He deserved someone better than me. So did Kakashi. My own parents...no. I choked as the tears started to fall silently down my face. I stopped myself from thinking about it. My memories were so blurry now. They have been for a long while. There's always this little feeling that I'm forgetting something deadly vital.

I need a break from this. From everything. "Kakashi," I chocked out. "I'm so sorry. I wish I never hurt you like I did. I wish you could love the real me instead of Uindo. And I fully understand if you never want to talk to me again. But please, I beg you, don't go doing irrational things that could kill you or harm you in any way." If only I could actually tell him that. I stopped running again. Then I pulled a scroll out of my pocket and a brush. I wrote down the words:

Dear Kakashi Hatake,

I would have put Kaka, but I feel that is too informal for our situation.

The situation I started.

I'm so sorry. I wish I never hurt you like I did.

I wish you could love the real me instead of the person I created; Uindo.

I fully understand if you never want to talk to me again.

But please, I beg you, don't go doing irrational things that could kill or harm you in any way.

This is all my fault. I'm so incredibly sorry, I can't even find the words for it.

I wish that it didn't have to end like it did. I wish there was some way to let you forget it.

To let you feel like nothing happened...to let you forget me.

So I could disappear somewhere in the distance.

So you could be happy.

That's all I ask. I don't ask for a fake apology. I don't ask for a card, letter, or anything for
that matter.

I just want you to be happy.

To smile. Smile, Mr. Hatake. Smile because everything is beautiful.

Smile because you only have one chance. Smile because even if that one chance
hurts so badly, it feels so right in the end. Smile.

Just smile.

Mr. Hatake, I know that it is nearly impossible to forget the past. And I know we learn from past mistakes.

So remember me...?

Remember the ripping feeling inside your chest every time something reminds you of the person
I made you believe was real.

And learn from it.

Live from it.

But...smile, Mr. Hatake.

Just smile.

I didn't notice I was crying until as I read the letter I noticed the wet splotches. There, I thought to myself, now that that is off of my chest I can concentrate. I put the scroll into my bag, never for it to see the light of day again. I pulled on my anbu fingerless gloves, securing them tightly on my hands. Then I sprinted away. I sprinted for Naruto. I sprinted for Kakashi. I sprinted for the two men I loved.

I passed tree by tree, feeling a pulsing feeling in the back of my head. What was I forgetting? What was in the back of my mind yet I didn't remember it at all? I turned quickly and grabbed to kunai, mid air, with my finger gracefully going into the circle on the end. I heard a chuckle behind me. Was this my enemy? I threw the kunai behind me before jumping down from the tree and spinning to face my unknown opponent. Try to remember something that sensei taught you! Something! Anything!

"So they send the leaf village's copy ninja. Then to rescue him they send some non-existent little girl? How pathetic." The man appeared behind me, catching me off guard from behind. Then rammed his sai into my chest. Right into my heart. I gasped. Who? I slowly turned, him leaving his sai in my heart as I turned to see his face. My opponent was...was...who? So I'm going to die...not even knowing who killed me? How miserable. How pathetic. How...like me.

So the two men I loved...they would never know? I am pathetic. I'm weak. I'm not a ninja and I should've never tried to be one. You know what? I hate him. I hate both of them. They never believed in me, those bastards! The man in front of me chuckled and I could barely distinguish his facial features. He had dark hair. Black even. It was shaggy and messy looking but not very long. He had sharp grey eyes that made me feel like he could see right into me. His nose was average length but pointed a tad bit at the end. His lips were a dark shad of peachy red. Why was I doing this? Looking at his features when I had seconds to live?

He full out laughed in front of me. "So pretty too. Oh well, I honestly thought you would be able to dodge something simple as that," the man said. I couldn't tell the symbol on his ninja head band. It was just a blur to my eyes. Just a little for focus, I practically sounded like I was begging. "Please," I said to the man. "tell the him that I was never good at genjutsu and that I love him." I coughed on the blood coming up from my mouth.
"Tell who?" He questioned as his eye brows furrowed together.

"Your prisoner. Tell him-" I coughed again. I could feel my heart stopping and my eyes blurring. The man, being respectable, caught my body as I fell. I'm dying. I breathed before I felt my eyes close.

The man gasped as I thrust two kuani into him. One into his head and the other in his heart. The body in his arms becoming nothing but broken petals. "How?" he mumbled. I'll be respectable too.

"I saw through your jutsu," I said to him calmly, catching the man as he fell. "You were reading my mind the whole time. I simply countered the way I thought and put on my own illusion. Not to make you feel bad, but you actually stabbed a flower I picked." He chuckled at himself.

"So I'm really the pathetic one?"

"No, no, not at all. You're a respectable person, even if your life choice was far from respectable." He chuckled. I shivered as I saw the blood pour out of his mouth.

"So all the confessions and thoughts you had were..." he started but could not finish. The man died in my arms. He died in mid sentence. He died because of me. I swallowed vomit that wanted to come up.

"Fake." I finished his sentence. Then I walked the body over behind a tree and placed a near by wild flower next to his dead body. Then I closed the man's frozen open eyes. How ironic, I thought looking at the flower. It was a daisy.

I jumped into a tree near by yet not so near by. I placed a genjutsu over the place before pulling my knees into my chest. "Love." It hurts. It hurts so badly.

~*~

(Kakashi)

Everything hurt. Was this going to be where I died? Would the Hokage send someone to rescue me? I hoped not...for their sake. But then I hoped they would, because I didn't want to spend my last days in a cell with regrets tangling around everything I thought about. I wished I could have told Hina that I didn't hate her. I might not love her but I definitely don't hate her. I wished I could have told Kurenai how I really felt. How I felt for so long. I wouldn't before because...well...she had Asuma, and I couldn't do that to them. I would never.

But dying with that still unconfused? Was that healthy? Not that it mattered. I was dying. Why would healthy matter? I tried to chuckle but my throat was so cracked, so dry, it burned. I couldn't even talk. The door of the cell opened and my eye darted to the door. A big burly man came in and dropped a body onto the floor. The man that the other man ordered to beat me. I wasn't cooperating, I guess. Well, hell, I wasn't cooperating. So now my left side was bruised and blood covered. I wouldn't be surprised if it was purple and blue colored but right now that was the least of my problems.

The man shut the door before walking away. It was so dark. So cold. And I hated to admit...lonely. It was so lonely dying here alone. Dying in battle would be an honor. But dying in a cell as your body practically ate itself? I don't see anything respectable about it. I brought my attention to the unmoving body. I couldn't make much out. My right eye being swollen along with the left side of my face. The body moved and I jumped in my skin. My body not being strong enough to move.

I closed my eyes, giving up.

If it was important I would have been able to move...right?

Or was fate sadistic?...

"Kakashi?" The sweet smell of flowers met my nose. Why would something so beautiful smelling be here? "Kakashi." The voice was desperate, begging.

"Please open your eyes, please," The innocent voice said. I did what I was told, with much effort. Crouched in front of me was Uindo. Her hair moving gentle as if there was a breeze in this cell. This dark, moldy smelling cell. She smiled at me, wiping the tears from her face. "I need you to wake up."

"What? No," I said to her. There was no way I could. No way had I wanted to. I was here with Uindo. There was no other place I would rather be.

"Please!" she begged. "I need you to. I'll die if you don't!" I took one last glance at Uindo before doing as she had told me. I slowly opened my eyes…

I groaned as my eyes opened. I was still in the dark cell that I dreaded. Uindo, why did you make me open my eyes? No, she didn't make me. She just asked me. That's when I noticed something slightly move to my right. I jumped. Not just in my skid. My body jerked backward. I moved! It was the body. Only now there was a small bit of light peaking in from the small window of the cell. I gasped.

"Ui-" I stopped before correcting myself. "Hana." She didn't respond at all. So I slowly oh so carefully crawled over to her body. Hana, I thought to myself. She looked so helpless. I brushed her hair from her face. Blood stains were obvious all over her. I scooted closer to her but stopped as I felt something jab my side. I reached to the floor and grabbed it. It was a scroll.

I heard the door open and I quickly moved back and slid the scroll under a small blanket behind me. The grizzly man came in picked Hana up. Hana! I screamed in my head. How could I just let them take my Uindo? I mean take Hana? But honestly, there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I watched helplessly as they picked up her body. Her eyes darted open and looked straight at me. She started to struggle in his grasp. Hana, if only I could help you.

~*~

(Hana)

I opened my eyes to see Kakashi. Why was Kakashi here? My eyes darted around the room. Then that means...! I struggled in the grasp that held me. It did little good though. I already knew who ever held me was strong because I'd killed two more of their men in my trap. Then was stopped. So obviously they knew better than to just leave me in any ones arms. The man turned and started to walk out of the cell. I watched Kakashi in fear. What was going to happen to him?

I barely noticed him pull something out of a blanket and he opened it. It was a scroll! I glanced at my side where I put the scroll I had written the day prior. It wasn't there. Oh no. I gasped. That means...I looked at Kakashi again. His face was emotionless, unlike it had been seconds prior. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no.

This was extremely bad.

That scroll was not supposed to ever be seen! It was supposed to be burned! It was just a way to get my mind off of all that.

This was totally out of character for me to say such a thing...such a crude word...but at the moment it was the only one that came to mind.

I'm so fucking screwed.