Insane

A vigorous honk from the driveway signified that it was time to go.

“Oh, that’s my mom,” I sigh, instantly breaking the kiss.

“Alright, see you later.” He says getting up from the couch shuffling over to his Xbox.

I grab my phone off the couch and step out the front door after grabbing my bag, not forgetting the shirt. I smile and wave at my mom, who looks impatient as she raises an eyebrow. She knew something was up, I was never this happy unless I wanted something, or I was in love. Opening the car door I greet my mom.

“Hi,” I say.

“So what did you guys do?” She asks.

“Oh you know, went on the computer, made some food and watched a movie.” I said smoothly.

I usually tell my mom the truth when she asked me these questions, but I always cover up the little detail about making out for a good 15 minutes. She looks over at me, eyeing my neck.

“Is that a hickey?” She says, a little calmer then I would have expected.

I pull down the sun visor and open the mirror, nervously checking out the spot she had spotted.

“Oh… yeah, uh, I guess it is.” I say.

Shit, I’m so busted.

After a few moments of awakward silence, she spoke in a calm yet stern voice, making her point very clear.

“I knew what you guys were doing, I’ve had my suspicions ever since I let you two hang out again, and since you two can’t get stoned together anymore, making out was obviously the best substitute you two could come up with.“ She said, not taking her eyes off the road.

“You know I don’t like him Meghan. David is a bad influence and you two have gotten into enough trouble.”

I knew she was right. He was a shitty influence and totally going nowhere in life. But for some reason I still liked him.

I knew it wasn’t his personality. We had nothing in common except the love for weed and getting completely shitfaced.

I’m pretty sure it was his looks, mostly his hair. He was a cool kid, but his hair was probably the only thing I was attracted to. That whole emo look was defiantly what turned me on to him.

I just loved the feeling I got after we “hung out”. It brought me temporary happiness. I was like a drug. I felt empty when the effect wore off, and it seemed like forever until I got my next fix. I knew this “friend’s with benefits” stuff wasn’t good, but I just didn’t know how to stop.

I looked down at the shirt in my hand; he had given it to me today. He said he didn’t want it anymore and tossed it to me after I had said I’d take it. I smelled it and smiled. It reminded me of summer, the summer that changed my life. It was an indescribable smell that brought back so many memories all at once. I loved it.

_______________________________________________________________________

“That is one weird looking hickey.” Taelor said with a disgusted face.

I just ignored her comment. I knew she just didn’t like the fact that it came from him. She didn’t like that I was basically turning into a whore. His whore. And another part of me knew she was jealous. Jealous that I had someone to fool around with, while she had no one. That irritated me; I just wanted her to stay out of my fucking business.

She was my best friend, but that didn’t give her the right to judge me without pissing me off. There were consequences to making me angry, which usually had no effect.

I always gave in when we had a fight. I was the one who was walked all over. She had complete control over me, mostly because I was the definition of a pushover. And I hated that with a passion. I mostly couldn’t fight back because I had no other friends to replace her if we ever broke apart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Taelor to death. There are just parts of her personality I wish would disappear.

“Whatever,” I replied dully. I really didn’t want to start anything right in the middle of English. My happiness was quickly wearing off, I could feel it.

The rest of the day went by slowly. Getting home I did what I usually do every day, blow off all homework and sit in front of the T.V.

Sometimes I’d accidentally fall asleep, which resulted in being rudely awakened, followed by several unkind words from my mother. She hated it when I slept, mostly because I was supposed to be watching my brother, Colin.

He’s fucking nine years old, I’m sure I don’t need to watch him play on the computer for three hours till she got home, I mean come on.

Eventually it was time for bed. After crawling into the sheets of my twin sized mattress, I grabbed my laptop to check facebook. I usually did this every night before going to sleep, mindlessly reading statuses. It had basically turned into my routine.

Scrolling down the meaningless statuses, right before I was about to exit out to hit the hay, I spotting something. Something I couldn’t believe.

“David Wright is in a relationship with Sierra Woods.”

Fuck. Me.

I couldn’t believe it. I felt instant pain in my chest, which caused my whole body to go numb. I felt the tears form in my eyes.

I quickly made my way into the bathroom to grab some tissues. I locked the door behind me, sat down on the floor and cried.

I knew I was being foolish for acting this way. After all, I meant nothing to him. Even though I had known him for a year or so now, I was still nothing but some chick he use to make out with.

At that moment I just wanted to go back in time. Back to when we were just friends. Back to when he at least had some respect for me.

I had fucked up. Fucked up real bad.

Not only was I just some girl he made out with, I obviously wasn’t good enough to be the only girl. Not good enough to be his girlfriend. Not even good enough to have a one night stand with.

Not good enough

I stood up from the floor, embarrassed beyond belief of my actions, completely full of regret, with misery written all over my face knowing there was no way of fixing this. What has been done cannot be undone.

I trudged lifelessly out of the bathroom and into bed.

This is what we call the walk of shame.