Insane

I feel my swollen eyelids part as I wake up to another pointless day. Except this time, I’m more depressed and lifeless than usual.

See, usually I’d wake up, dreading the long and boring day ahead. The days were always the same, nothing interesting ever really happened. But now, the extra depression would just add to it. Great.

I reach over to my pills, sitting on the beat-up nightstand just a few inches from my bed. I quickly dry-swallow one and pause for a moment.

Like these are going to do me any good.

Brushing off my own pessimistic thought I get up, slouching and absent mindlessly making my way to the shower.

The sound of loud running water rang in my ears as I step in and start washing my cheeks, which were stained black from all my dried-on runny makeup. I quickly did the rest of my daily showering routines and stepped out, lazily drying myself off from head to toe.

I finished doing my hair and applying my make up inexpressively, thoughts of you know who crowded my mind the entire time, slowly becoming unbearable.

Grabbing my bag, I head out the door to the bus stop.

Fuck I really need to talk to Taelor.

I arrive at school, still feeling no better than when I woke up, but looking forward to venting all of this shit to my best friend.

I spot her smiling face hovering over the heads of the crowding students. As soon as she sees my face though, hers quickly changes from cheery to utterly concerned in less than a second. She can always tell when something’s wrong, because it’s usually written all over my face.

“Okay, what happened? I know you hung out with David yesterday, did you two not make out or something?” She says as I pull her down the stairs into the bathroom. Luckily there was no one in there so I could start my ranting right away. I couldn’t wait any longer.

“No, no we did…” I say, not looking into her eyes. “But I have worse news,” I continue

“Oh fuck, what is it?” She exclaims. Her attention now fully focused on me and my nearly teary eyes.

“He has a girlfriend, Tealor!” I say, letting a few tears escape. The pain was now clearly present in my voice.

“What? A girlfriend? For how long? That bastard...” She trailed off whispering the last part, more to herself then me.

“He just got one. Like last night! A few hours after left his house…” I say, anger starting to overpower the sadness I felt.

I mean I couldn’t help it. How aggravating was that? That he gets a girlfriend almost immediately after we hung out. And what’s worse is he probably never thought about me once. No, I know he never thought about me. It was basically a secret that we were even seeing each other like that.

When we were in public, he never treated me any different. We just talked like we were just getting to know each other really. It was like he was embarrassed to think about what we did, even though it really wasn’t anything that major. It’s not like we were having sex, thank god. I’d probably feel even lower than I do right now.

“Oh babe, I’m so sorry! He was a dick anyways.” She says comfortingly as she quickly pulled me into a hug, as if I was going to disappear at that moment if she didn’t.

“I know. I just wish I didn’t like him so much, what is wrong with me!?” I say, my voice muffled by her shoulder that I was crying on. I feel like such a drama queen.

“Nothing is wrong with you hun! You are absolutely gorgeous and he’s gonna soon realize what he missed out on. The real question is what’s wrong with him. Boys are such shitheads.” She says softly, sharpening her voice at the last part.

“I know, he is a total fucking shithead! And he’s only going out with this new girl because she’s got huge tits! Bigger than mine.” I say shamefully. I knew it was sick, the fact he picked her because of her tits. I mean it’s not like she was stunning or anything, no offence to her. That right there just showed how much of a jackass he really was.

“Really? How do you know?” She said in confusion.

“I saw her facebook…” I say. Yeah I know, stalker. Well I was just curious to see what she looked like! So sue me…

“And there bigger then yours? Wow.”

Yeah it was true. Embarrassing as it is, my boobs were pretty much bigger than anyone within a five year age difference of me. Having an F cup was nothing to be proud of, in my opinion.

“Well first of all that sucks for her, bigger boobs then yours would be a nightmare. And David is a complete tool to say the least. You don’t need him!”

She always knew how to make me feel a little better.

I still felt like shit though. There was no escaping that. Getting over someone took time. Time was the only thing that would fix this. It just seemed so impossible. It felt like I was never going to get over him.

The rest of the day consisted of me lying my head down on my desk in every class, completely comatose. Depression at its highest can really take everything out of you.

Now, if you’ve ever been diagnosed with depression, you know what it’s like to get bad news. It feels like your life is fucking over, right? You just keep thinking about that very thought all the time. And it’ll either make you, or break you.

Just straight depression usually just makes you feel like your life is boring and completely pointless; and that feeling is completely real. It’s nothing to laugh at or joke about. And your sadness is just completely on full throttle, no matter what the situation is. You just want to die.

People who aren’t depressed think that were ridiculous for making such a big deal about shit and just exaggerate our feelings, when really it’s not our fault. Do you really think I want to spend my time blubbering about stupid things? No, I’d much rather brush it off and get on with my life. I certainly don’t do it for attention either; I’ve been accused of that before. Now don’t get me wrong, sadness is an emotion that everyone has sometimes, there’s no denying it. Depression just makes it harder to get over the things that make us sad. And I could tell this was going to take a long time to get over.

Coming home, I was hit with the realization that I was going to my dad’s this weekend.

A change in scenery will be nice I guess.

There was something about West Seattle that I really liked. Just the fact that it was close to the water and you didn’t have to walk more than five minutes to get to a store or restaurant really just suited my interest. Everything was just so close to each other, I loved it. Probably because I lived in a neighborhood, and it was a good mile from any type of store or decent coffee place.

My dad also lived in a condo on the top floor, so we had a nice view of everything, including the water.

The one downfall of staying over there was that I had to sleep on the couch. It was pretty comfy, I would just much rather have my own room. A little privacy would be nice.

I set down my bag and go upstairs to my room to pack for my dad’s.

At around seven o’clock my dad shows up

“Hi hun, how are you?” He says as I let him in. I give him a hug and a quick “I’m good” before going upstairs to fetch my over night suitcase.

“Hey, wassup buddy!” He says as his torso is wrapped in my little brothers arms.

“Well we better hit the road, does Applebee’s sound good for dinner?” My dad suggests

“Yup,” my brother and I say at the same time. It was usually either that or Red Robin. But Applebee’s was closer, and I was starving.

After dinner we drive for forty minutes or so till we arrive at his building. We park in the parking garage, collect our stuff and ride the elevator to the top floor. My dad unlocks his door and we step in, setting our bags down and proceed to watch movies for a few hours.

Time goes by, and eventually it reaches midnight. Bedtime.

As I’m setting up my bed on the big brown couch I let my thoughts get the best of me and warm tears start sliding down my pale checks.

Fuck. Why do I have to keep thinking about him? He’s an asshole and I need to move the fuck on. For Christ sake, I’m starting to annoy myself!”

I quickly slip off my bra from under my shirt and pull on some pajama pants.

As I’m walking into the kitchen for a glass of water, my dad comes around the corner, seeing my red glossy eyes.

“Is everything ok?” He says. His voice carrying the same concerned tone that Taelor had this morning.

“Daddy,” I say as my lip starts to tremble.

“I’m just not good enough for anyone. I’m always second best!” I say burying my face in his chest while grabbing on to the back of his shirt.

He quickly responds by holding on to my fragile figure, which was now shaking from pure misery and relief. I was upset that the words I had spoken were the definite truth, but I was also slightly relieved that I had someone to tell it to besides myself.

“Oh, baby that’s not true!” He says. I can hear the hurt in his voice. “I know this doesn’t mean much but, you’ll always be the best in my book. You mean the world to me and it breaks my heart to see you cry like this,” affection covering every last word.

“Boys just make you feel like you mean nothing to them!” I exclaim, still crying in his shirt, which was now soaked in one spot from my tears.

“Boys are just stupid. Complete idiots. And they’ll be that way until they mature emotionally. But for now you’re gonna be facing a lot of heartless boys out there. Trust me, I was one of them.” He says seriously.

He was right. Boys don’t deserve to be cried over. They were just idiots. I just wish there was some way for this pain to magically disappear and for me to miraculously move forward and to be able to look back and laugh about how stupid I was to even get so upset about this whole thing. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Like I said before

this whole thing would either make me,

or break me.