I Will Wait

It’s not like I want it to be this way or like I asked for it. I know people are going to say I had this planned from the very start, but I didn’t. This just happened. I couldn't stop it, and people say I could have or that I could have said something or done something, but I couldn't.

It's not like I didn't try. I didn't want this to happen. I tried so hard to tell him I wasn’t worth it and that I’d just hurt him and that I’d be the worst thing to ever happen to him and that I just break everything I touch, and that I’m a frightened mess. I told him again and again, but he just wouldn’t listen to me.

I tried to warn him.

He can’t say I didn’t, because I did.

It’s not like I wanted this to happen, or like I’m happy about it now, ‘cause I’m not, but I can’t change anything and I don’t know what it’d be like if it were different, or what I would change if I could.

All I can do is wait.



I told him.

I freaking told him not to do this.

I told him, “Man, don’t do this,” but he did, ‘cause no one ever listens to me until it’s too late. I mean, I like her, and she’s cool and funny and stuff, and she’s like his type or whatever, but she’s just not the kind of girl to do a bunch of lovey-dovey stuff for so long. She’s never been like that and I’m pretty sure she’ll never be like that.

I told him that too.

I begged him, told him to just think it through for once and to not make a mistake—but he didn’t listen to me and now we’re here and now he’s alone and she’s alone and he’s a mess and god only knows how she is.

And where is she now when he needs her most?

No one knows.



“Hi.”

“I kind of just wanna be alone right now,” he says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. I stand near the foot of the bed, watching as he holds one of her stupid sweaters in his hands. He runs a finger over the reindeer, biting his lip. He's so sad. It hurts. I hate seeing him like this. He’s not himself anymore and it’s all her fault. I knew it would end like this and I told him it would but he just told me to stop being ‘jealous’, like I have anything to be jealous of.

This whole thing hurts.

I mean, I didn’t like her. But I love him, and they seemed happy, and all I really want is for him to be happy… just not with her, but with me.

Call me selfish.

“I'm sorry. I just wanted to see how you were holding up. I'm just really worried about you and I just wanted to—”

He looks out the window, propping his head up with his hand.

“I'm fine. Can you just—”

“You’re not even gonna look at me? Don’t I deserve that, huh? To be looked at, at least? Don’t I mean anything to you anymore?” I laugh mirthlessly, shaking my head. “Guess not, you know, ‘cause of your new fancy girlfriend and stuff—even if she doesn’t really act like much of a girlfriend, from what I understand.” He shoots me a look, and it’s probably a low blow but I don’t care anymore, because if he had just listened to me in the first place this wouldn’t have happened to him.

“For crying out loud, could you just go?” he asks, rubbing his face. “Please?”

“Not until you hear what I have to say, because I deserve that, I think. I mean, you mean something to me, and I know that deep down inside, I still mean something to you, and you honestly can’t even bother to give me the time of day just because she—”

“If you’re so upset, there’s the door,” Parker says, making a small face. “Go.”



I know I seem like the bad guy here. Okay maybe I usually am, but this time, I’m not, not really, 'cause I was just trying to stop this from happening in the first place. But it happened anyway, and that’s not really my fault. I mean, it was gonna happen eventually, ‘cause she’s a free spirit and I know that better than they all do. I tried to tell him, but he got all self-righteous and tried blaming it on me, as if I had anything to do with it.

As if.

He’s the worst one out of all of them for thinking for a second that she wouldn’t do something like this. If you wanna blame someone, blame him. I don’t even know why it’s such a big deal, ‘cause he should have seen this coming, and it’s his own fault if he chose to ignore it.

I mean, what else did he expect her to do?



“Don’t you understand?!” I yell, ready to tear my hair out. “She was actually happy—”

“She’s never happy,” he says flatly, packing his clothes away into suitcases. “Something’s always wrong. Always. You know that as well as I do. She’s not a happy person.”

“Yes she was! Not around you, ‘cause you’re kind of just like a happiness vacuum. She was just really happy with him and you ruined it!”

“Why? ‘Cause I told her the truth? Was I supposed to lie to her or something?”

“It’s not like you haven’t before.”

He shrugs.

“Some people just can’t handle the truth, buttercup.”

“You’re a miserable excuse for a human being.” He shrugs some more, shaking his head. “Why couldn’t you just let her be happy with him?”

“Why couldn’t she be happy with me?”



I feel so numb. It only unsettles me because, for the better part of a year, I had felt things I had never felt before for someone who was, apparently, incapable of showing me how she felt too.

“Why? What’d I do, huh? Wasn’t I—” I stop short, trying to breathe. “I just—” I slam my fists into the mattress, sitting up. “I don’t know what I did wrong.” I huff, leaning against the headboard. “I—I was everything she asked me to be.”

Parker is silent.

I grab one of her sweaters, making a fist, feeling the lump in my throat. It’s been a pretty dry day so far, no random crying spells, and I kind of want to keep it that way, but it’s kind of hard when there’s something in every nook and cranny of my room that reminds me of her.

“I just—I love her, man, and I just thought maybe she loved me too, I don’t know, maybe I’m just stupid like that and maybe I just expected too much, I don’t know.” I struggle to swallow past it, closing my eyes. I toss the sweater to the floor, staring at my ceiling. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”