Cupid Can Kiss My Ass

Toby helped me set up for the Valentine's Dance, as promised. For a school dance thrown in a gym, it didn't look too bad. We had streamers and hearts hanging from the ceiling, a disco ball in the center. Lights set a warm tone around the gym, and tables covered in red table clothes were set along the edge of the room, leaving a circle for the dance-floor. We didn't have any cheesy Cupid pictures or anything like that, but hearts and arrows were on the wall, and we had a projector to show messages that people had sent to their crushes and sweethearts. The stage was set up for the band to play, and the whole room was like something out of an 80s teen romance flick. It was oddly adorable.

When we had finished setting up, Toby sat down at a table and sighed. He was exhausted I'm sure. Since he was the tallest, people kept asking him to help hang things, so he kept climbing up and down the ladder. Surprisingly, he was being very kind to people. He might even have made a few new friends.

I sat down next to him and kissed his cheek. "Thank you for helping set up the dance. I really appreciate it."
He grunted and lay his head down on the table, his arms covering his face.
"Uh... the dance doesn't actually start for another hour. Do you want to go home and get ready?"
He looked up at me, his new haircut kept his hair from falling in his eyes. "I still have to go?" His voice was muffled by his sleeves.
I frowned. "Not if you don't want to."
He sat up, a small smile on his lips. "I was kidding. Want me to walk you to your house?"
I smiled. "No, it's too far for you to walk there then all the way back to your house. I'll just go and meet you at the dance later."

I gave him a peck on the lips, but he made it last longer by pressing his hand to the back of my neck. He broke apart when he heard people coming. I sighed as he stood up and left as the two students came in. He still wasn't comfortable with being out. I'm wondering if having him go to the dance is even a good idea anymore.

I hurried home and took a shower. After I put on a pair of black skinny jeans, a white button-up shirt, a red tie, my red Converse shoes, and then combed my hair, I was ready to go. I grabbed my jacket and said bye to my dad and headed to the dance. A lot of people had shown up already, but no one was really dancing yet. I guess people were waiting for the band to start playing instead of listening to an amateur DJ.

I got a cup of punch and waited by the stage for Toby to show up. Soon, the band, The Stiff Dylans, did show up and started setting up. The gym was packed now, and I was wondering why I still hadn't seen Toby. I headed to the front door and kept an eye out for him, ignoring the fact that it was cold by the door. A few minutes later, a car pulled up just as I gave in to shivering. Toby got out of the passenger seat and slammed the door. His mom got out of the driver's seat and called after him, but he didn't look back. I started to talk to him, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside the gym. I walked with him to a spot by the wall and waited for him to calm down some.

"Toby, what happened?"
He shuddered then looked up at me. "I caught my mother and Jerry... doing... ugh god." He shuddered again and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Doing what?" I asked.
"Doing... doing... you know..." he looked at his feet. "It."
"It?" I thought for a minute. Then it dawned on me. "Oh, they were having-" His hand covered my mouth.
"Don't even say it." He shook his head.
"Oh, that must have been bad."
"It was horrifying. I just went to take a shower and there they were, the curtain pulled back for all the world to see. It was so..." He shook his head again.
I wrapped my arms around him. His eyes were closed again.

I didn't exactly know how to help him in this situation.

"Um... I know when I want to take my mind off of something, I listen to stupid music."
He looked at me. "Like what?"
I took out my iPod and gave him the earbuds. As he put them in, I turned to my Stupid Songz playlist and clicked on Nyan Cat. He listened to it for 30 seconds before frowning.
"Is this just repetitive?" I nodded. "This is the most annoying thing I've ever heard. Why do you even have this on your iPod?"
I laughed. "Oh, I've got an even better one."
I clicked the Nyan Cat (Alex S. Dubstep Remix). After a while, he was laughing.
"It's ridiculous, but it's actually good."

I was glad I could cheer him up. When the song ended, he handed my my iPod. I put it in my pocket and pulled him to the dance-floor. The crowd went crazy as the band started playing Ever Fallen In Love. Toby and I merged into the middle of the crowd and started dancing together. He was a little awkward - I guess he was still uncomfortable about the earlier situation, and he wasn't used to dancing or social situations... (why did I bring him here again?) I grabbed his hips and pulled him closer to me. I noticed a slight blush on his cheeks, but I just smiled at him and pumped my fists in the air to dance like everyone else. Soon, Toby did the same, smiling slightly. I closed my eyes and let the music run it's course through me.

The band played their next song, Out Of Time, and the crowd was moving more than before. We were getting shoved around and I could tell Toby was getting irritated, but I wrapped my arms around his waist and brought him closer. He looked down at me and I nuzzled my face into his chest. He stiffened for a minute before wrapping his arms around me. The band rattled off their versions of some other songs like You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift, but we didn't really dance to those. I still had my arms around Toby, and I figured as long as I held on, he wouldn't let go either. I was content with that.

The band took a break. I pouted when Toby tried to pull away from me.
"Angel, the music stopped playing."
"I don't care."
He chuckled. "We'll dance again later. I need to go to the bathroom."
I sighed and pulled away. He smiled and left me. I walked over to an empty table and sat to wait for him.

I know you may be thinking that I'm clingy, but I'm not. I can give Toby space if that's what he wants. It's just...

Okay, remember how I keep talking about my ex? Well, he's had a huge impact on my life.

Back when I was still confused about my sexuality, I had my best friend Jacob. We started fighting a lot because he said that I was gay and I didn't want to believe him. He said I kept staring at him in the locker room, and he noticed how I didn't act the same around girls like the other guys did. I didn't want to believe him because in our hometown, people who weren't normal were not accepted. Being gay was considered not normal. I already had enough trouble fitting in since I was almost always the new kid - my dad and I moved around a lot.

Jacob tried to convince me that I was gay, but I would only get madder and madder until we broke out into a real brawl. We both ended up in the hospital, and we never spoke to each other after that. My dad and I moved to a new town and I went to a new school. I was still angry about everything and I wasn't ready to make friends yet, but there was one guy who stuck out to me. His name was Nate. We had a lot of the same classes. He saw how angry I was all the time and tried to help me. He said he dealt with anger problems too, and he told me how he worked through it. Later on, I learned that his methods weren't the best, but they did help me. We went to the gym, we yelled obscenities, we ran - we just got rid of our aggression. We did this everyday after school - forcing all of our pent-up anger out, but never aimed at each other. Eventually, I got over my anger, and I told Nate that I didn't need to work out anymore, but we could still be friends. He told me he didn't want to be friends. That's when he kissed me.

It was amazing, how all this time I was mad at my best friend for calling me gay, and yet here I was, enjoying a kiss from another boy. I was still confused and scared, but Nate said he'd take it slow if that's what I wanted. I just wanted companionship - I didn't care with who or what we did. Nate was willing to be there for me, so I took it. I had my first boyfriend.

For a while, it was just to humour him, but as time went on, I really did like his company. I started to depend on his presence, his touch, his kiss. I was falling for him, hard. That's when he decided to take the relationship to the next level. We were open about our dating around school, and when we went out with people, he'd introduce me as his boyfriend. We wouldn't hesitate to make-out in public, and eventually we did have sex. But right after that is when things changed. He wasn't as nice anymore. He would tell me when he wanted to get physical, and push me away when he didn't. He started to verbally abuse me. I even saw him checking out other guys and girls while I was around. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him, that everything I did was wrong. I would go out of my way to please him, but it was never enough. I got really depressed and soon went back to my violent ways. Since I still hadn't made any friends of my own, I had to keep most of the anger bottled up. I couldn't go through the same routines that Nate had showed me because he hung out at the gym and the park all the time, with or without me.

One day, I found out he was cheating on me, and I just snapped. Can you believe it was Valentine's Day of all days? He lied to me, and when I confronted him, he still lied. I was fed up with everything, and I just let my anger get the best of me. I attacked him, and we fought. I won, but it didn't make me feel better. My dad threatened to send me away to military school if I didn't shape up. His threat didn't mean much, but looking back at how much damage I left in my life with my best friend and my ex, I wasn't happy. We moved again, and I was determined to make things better. Slowly, I made new friends but abandoned them when we moved. I didn't grow attached to places or people, but I did find myself becoming happier. My dad was pleased and so I was I. I didn't have to fight with my friends or a boyfriend or myself because no one was arguing with me. I wasn't close enough to anyone for me to gain any friends or enemies. It was good for a while, but then I moved here, and I met Toby. Right then and there, I wanted nothing more than to be his friend, at least. He ruined my lone wolf lifestyle completely, and I don't think I could ever go back to it now.

So I hope Toby can be happy with me. I don't want to spend another Valentine's Day angry or alone.

Right on cue, Toby came up to me with two cups of punch in his hand. I smiled and took one from him as he sat down. I keep wondering if I should tell Toby about my past, since I know so much about his, but I don't think he'll like me once he sees the old me.

Right now, I am the new and approved Angel, and that's all he ever needs to see.

We finished our punch and were about to get back on the dance floor when we saw none other than Cynthia approach us.

"Hi, Toby. Hi, Angel. I didn't expect to see you two here, especially not together."
Go away, bitch. I thought. Or at least, I thought that was a thought in my head. But she and Toby both looked at me, shocked. I covered my mouth. PLEASE tell me I didn't just say that out loud.
Toby snickered and Cyn looked at him with a glare.
"You two should be thanking me! I'm the one that got you two together in the first place."
"Sorry, but I think you heard my boyfriend the first time: Go. Away. Bitch."
Her jaw dropped. My heart was pounding in my chest as Toby took my hand and led me to the dance floor, just as Cinderella began.

He took my hand and place his free hand in the small of my back, and we swayed back and forth.

Did I ever tell you that I love him?

He looked so sexy in his blood red button-up shirt and black tie, loose around his neck. I desperately wanted to place my hand on his chest and feel his abs, but I didn't want to totally embarrass myself. The lighting from the disco ball kept hitting his face, illuminating his pale skin and gorgeous features. His black hair fell just above his shoulders, and I soon found myself staring at his lips and his neck. I really wished we were alone right now. Oh, the things I would do to this boy...

The song changed to UltraViolet. I decided to be bold. "Hey, Toby, do you want to get out of here?"
He blinked and laughed. "You want to leave? You practically begged me to come in the first place!"
"Yeah, but I'm... kinda bored with it now."
"You do not want to dance anymore? That is fine. We can sit down if you want."
I frowned. "That's not what I-" Someone bumped into us.

It was Jake, Erick the rapist's best friend. He grinned evilly at us as he and the nearly identical Amber and Ally walked by us. Toby growled, but I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Toby, please calm down."
"Calm down?! His bastard best friend..."
"I know, I know, but right now you're angry, and problems won't be solved when you're angry - they'll only get worse."
"They can not get any worse than this." He sighed "My mother and I found out that they are releasing Erick on bail. Since we have no proof that he did anything wrong, they can not actually hold him."
"What?! How can they not have proof!?! You are living proof!!"
"I know, but it is my word against Erick's, Jake's, Amber and Ally's, his parents... No one else knows what happened, and since I was the only one who was there when it happened who is claiming Erick did anything wrong, then my word does not stand up to much."
I was furious. "Where's Jake?"
His eyes widened. "But you just told me not to-"
"I'm not going to hurt him. I just need to know where Erick is."
Toby bit his lip. "Angel, are you sure that is a good idea? You do not seem very stable right now."
"I am stable." I snapped. "Now where is he?"

He pointed to the direction Jake and his friend went in. I stormed off, Toby close behind me. I came up to Jake and rudely shoved him. He turned around and glared at me.

"What the hell do you want?" He spat.
"Where's your douchebag ring-leader?"
"What did you say?!"
"You heard me! Where's Erick?"
"None of your fucking business!"
"He hurt Toby - it is my business."
"Oh, didn't you hear? You can't pin anything on Erick. You can't prove he did anything. As far as everyone else knows, Erick didn't touch your precious boyfriend."

I shoved him. He shoved me back, then he swung at me but missed. I landed a blow on his chest, and the fight began. The band still played in the background, the song reaching the instrument-free part of the chorus. I wrestled Jake to the ground and we kept landing blow after blow on each other. The music stopped, and I knew we had drawn attention. I didn't care if we got in trouble - I wasn't letting Erick and his asshole friends get away with this.

I punched him square in the jaw. He slowed down and fell back just as I was being pulled off of him by a teacher. I was going to be suspended - that was obvious. I would have bruises- I knew that from experience. I might have even been bleeding - I really can't tell. I would have to face my dad yet again and have him lecture me about controlling my anger, but this time I wasn't sure if I could get away with a warning - he might actually try to send me to military school now.

But what was the worse part about this whole thing was that Toby had to watch me become a total monster. He saw me and my past unearth itself. He saw the old, violent, hateful Angel that I used to be.

I thought I had finally gotten rid of him.

The look on his face shattered me. He looked shocked and horrified. And I think he also looked... disappointed.

I looked down. This was too much. I couldn't stand to see this happening again. To see myself get so attached and yet get ripped away too soon.

I was escorted out of the gym and told not to come to school tomorrow.

I might not be coming back at all.

I walked out to the parking lot and leaned against the wall. It was cold, but I needed to cool off. Now I could feel the sting of the punches kicking in. The cold wind stung my eyes, and I squeezed them shut. A tear fell, and I was really hoping I wasn't about to cry. I was not in the mood to cry. A lump set in my throat and I knew that a breakdown was where I was headed.

I heard the gym doors swing open and close. I stood up and kept my gaze to the ground to avoid drawing attention to myself. My whole "trying to man up" plan was blown entirely when I looked up and saw Toby running up to me.

Oh god, not now. I look like hell, I feel like hell, and I'm about to cry. Please do not let him see me like this.

He finally stood in front of me and handed me my jacket. I stared at it.
"You left it behind."
I took it from him and sniffled. Don't cry, you idiot.
"Are you okay?" He asked me.
No. "Yeah I'm fine."
"You guys fought pretty hard. Are you badly hurt?"
I straightened up. I instantly felt a shooting pain go up my back. I winced but let out a sigh and said "I'm fine."
"You... you are an idiot."
I cleared my throat, still feeling the lump sitting there. "W-What?" I sniffled.
"You are an idiot. What did you think was going to happen if you fought him? Did you really think he was going to tell you anything about Erick? Did you think that starting a fight was going to fix anything?"
"No." My voice cracked. Shit.
"This did not solve anything. Now Erick is going to have even more reason to hate me, and now you are hurt and suspended. We were having a really nice time at the dance, and if you had just calmed down like you got me to do, then none of this would have happened. I told you I can deal with Erick and his friends by myself. Why did you have to get involved?"
"I don't know." My voice cracked again. "I didn't... didn't mean to... ruin everything." I broke down. Sobs escaped from my throat and tears ran down my face. I was a crying, wailing mess. I felt Toby's arms wrap around me, holding me close.

I have never felt more embarrassed or vulnerable in my life. Here I was crying like a little kid in front of the boy I love after I just turned into some violent maniac. I went from monster to wuss, just like that.

He rubbed my back, only causing me to cry harder into his chest. He held me tightly. Eventually, I was all out of tears. I felt like I had been crying for an hour, but I'm sure it hadn't been that long. I shivered. Toby wrapped my jacket around my shoulders and hugged me to his chest again. I sighed, keeping my eyes closed. I couldn't even enjoy being in his comforting embrace. It was all about to end too soon.

"I'm sorry I ruined everything." I mumbled into his chest.
He loosened his hold on me and moved back slightly, but I still kept my eyes closed and looked down.
"What?" He asked.
"I'm sorry I ruined everything." I repeated.
"What are you talking about?"
I sniffled. "I ruined everything today. I messed up with Jake, I ruined the dance-"
"No, I mean, why are you saying that you ruined anything. You did not ruin anything."
I sniffled again and looked up at him. "But-"
"You are the one that wanted to go to the dance so badly. I only went because I knew it would make you happy. I did not care what we did today, as long as I would be with you."
"Really?"
He nodded. "And as for Jake, he got what he deserved. I kind of wish it was Erick who got beat instead of him, but I am not encouraging you to fight anyone else. You are lucky you only got suspended. With the beating you gave him, I would have thought you would get expelled." He smiled at me. "You were fighting for my honor. That was so amazing - I never knew you could fight like that! I am always amazed by your strength. You do not cease to surprise me."
I sniffled and swallowed the lump in my throat. "So, you're not mad?"
"I am mad at you for being stupid enough to start a fight at a school dance, and for letting yourself get hurt, and for getting yourself expelled. I am flattered that you fought for my honor, but I think you went about doing it the wrong way."
He kissed me.
"You... you still want to be with me?"

He shook his head and laughed, then bent down to kiss me again. "That was never a question."

He kissed me long and passionately, just as the music inside the gym room swelled.

I am done running from my past.

Kiss Me <3