More than Friends

I’m in love with my best friend. That thought swirls around my head all night, keeping me awake.
I’m in love with my best friend, who is a girl, and has always liked guys, not other girls. And I’m a girl. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Jessie’s been my best friend for so long, since I first met her when I moved here eight years ago. I know her, but I don’t know her enough to know how she’ll react if I told her I was gay for her.
It took me a while to identify the emotion that rose in my throat like bile when I saw her with her boyfriend, or when she asked me for advice on what to do about a guy that she liked. Jealousy. At first I denied it – what would she think if she knew that her best friend was jealous of the guys she went out with?
She told me a couple days ago that she had broken up with her last boyfriend. Is this a sign that I should tell her – tell her that I like her? I don’t want to lose her, though, and I’m terrified that if I tell her she’ll be disgusted and won’t want to have anything to do with me. Is it better to take the risk that that may happen, or forever watch her find love and happiness with someone else? Or should I tell her so that I may be the one she loves?
I love everything about her. I love how her short black hair is always messy, even when she tries to comb or brush it. I love her laugh, how her dark eyes light up. I love how she can make me laugh even when I’m down, and how she can make me feel better about myself even when I’m having a pity party. She’s the most beautiful person in the world, not just in appearance but in personality too.
I decide. Tomorrow, I’ll tell her after school. Knowing this in my mind, I can finally go to sleep.
-X-
The next day, I am tense with nerves. I’ll go through with what I promised myself I would do – I don’t like to break promises, even if they are only to my self – but I’m so scared that if this goes wrong I’ll lose my best friend.
Jessie notices my nervousness, but doesn’t say anything, knowing that I deal better with nerves when people ignore them.
At the end of the school day, Jess waits outside my art class for me to finish. Art class had actually finished a few minutes previously, but I was trying to finish a sculpture that I had been working on for a while, and had stayed late, with my teacher’s permission, to do so.
“Hey, Mel, you done yet?” Jess poked her head in; having finished talking to whoever else had been out there with her.
“Almost. Just need to...” I trailed off, turning my attention back to the clay sculpture in front of me.
“That’s really nice.” She had come into the room and sat on the desk next to mine without me noticing, making me jump slightly. “It looks a bit like you.”
“No it doesn’t,” I said absently. “It’s of my mom.”
“And you look like her,” she pointed out.
“Okay, whatever.” I tuned her out for a while, until I heard her mention the most popular guy in the school’s name in the same sentence as her. “What?”
“Oh, yeah. Erik asked me out. He says he’s changed or something. I-.”
“No!” I turned to look at her so quickly I almost gave myself whiplash. “Don’t.”
She looked at me, confused by my reaction. I blushed. “I told him no.”
“You did? He’s the hottest guy in the school, why’d you say no?”
“Yeah, he is, but he’s a jerk. He dated Emma, the girl I was talking to out there,” she jerked her head in the direction of the door, “and cheated on her with two different girls before she got sick of it and broke up with him. I’m not gonna date a guy like that, no matter how hot he is.” She looked at me curiously, and then asked, “But why didn’t you want me to go out with him?”
“Because...” I considered lying, but figured that this was my chance. “Becauseilikeyouandithurtstoseeyouwithsomeoneelse.”
“What?”
I took a deep breath and tried again. Just say it Mel. “Because I like you.”
“Yeah, of course, I’m your best friend.”
“No, not like that.” This isn’t gonna be easy, will it? I looked down at the piece of clay that I had been shaping absent-mindedly with my fingers for the last few minutes. Now or never. “I like you like you.” I hoped she got it.
Realization dawned on her face. “You’re gay.”
I nodded, watching her face carefully.
“And you like me.”
I nodded again, mouth dry, feeling worse and worse with every second that passed. I looked down at the sculpture on the desk in front of me, trying not to think of what Jess was probably thinking, none of them good.
She reached out towards me, gently turning my face to meet her eye. Before I knew what I was doing, I was kissing her, hands finding their own way into soft, dark hair.
When my thoughts caught up to my actions, and I realized what I had done, I pulled away, looking back down at my clay covered desk. “Sorry,” I said, my throat constricted. I picked up the statue, wrapping it in layers of newspaper before putting it in my backpack carefully so that it would not break. I swung the bag onto my back and left the room, not daring to look at Jessie.
I heard her footsteps catch up with me, and unbidden, my mouth started moving, though I was talking more to myself then to Jess. “I loved you so long, but you were straight and there was no way that you’d like me back like that, so I never told you because you’d probably be grossed out because you’re straight and I like you, and –.” I chanced to look up at her, and seeing her face unreadable, shut up.
Abruptly, she shoved me roughly against a wall and kissed me almost equally roughly. I froze for a second, and then almost disbelievingly, kissed her back. She ran her tongue along my lips, and I opened my mouth slightly, giving myself up to the kiss willingly. I ran my hands up her back, her shudders making me bold enough to ruck up her t-shirt a little, feeling the smooth, soft skin of her back.
She pulled away slightly, leaving her hands on the wall, one either side of my head, so that she was standing over me. The inch or so’s difference in height between us seeming a lot larger when we like that, her looking down at me, breathing hard. Not knowing why she stopped, I withdrew my hands, opening my mouth to apologize. “Jess, I –.”
“Mel.” Her voice was slightly husky, surprising me enough to look up at her again. “You talk too much. Shut up.” I wouldn’t have been able to speak anyway, because she followed up the words by kissing me again.
One of her stayed on the wall by my head, while her other played with my long, light brown hair. My hands strayed to her hips, and my fingers started playing with the waistband of her gym shorts.
“Girls, do you mind taking it elsewhere?” We sprang apart. It was my art teacher, who I had thought was in a staff meeting, but she didn’t look angry or disgusted to see two girls making out against a wall.
Despite that, I was still embarrassed; I could feel my face heating up. Although I had known I was gay for a few years, I didn’t make it widely known, especially not by kissing other girls in the hallway. “O-okay.”
“Melanie?” I looked at her. “Did you finish the sculpture?”
“Yes, ma’am. I have it in my bag.”
She looked at me then said, with a hint of a smile, “Make sure it’s not broken.” My teacher winked at me, then disappeared into a classroom, leaving Jessie and me, my face burning, alone again.
After she was gone, Jess turned to me. “Hey Mel, maybe you should check on your sculpture, make sure it’s not broken.” I glared at her, which she returned with an innocent expression, and I headed for the school’s entrance – or exit, whatever.
As we walked home – both of us lived close enough to the school that we could walk there – I said, “I didn’t know you were lez.”
She smiled. “I’m not.”
“Then why did you kiss me? Are you bi?”
“Mel, I’m pansexual.”
“Pansexual? Is that some fancy way of saying that you’re bi?”
“Sort of. It’s like, I’m open to being attracted to anyone, regardless of gender.”
“So, basically, you’re bi.”
“Yeah, but it includes hermaphrodites, transsexuals, like that.”
Sounded like bi to me, but whatever. “I wish I’d known that you liked me back before. If I did...”
“That’s what you were so nervous about earlier, wasn’t it?” I nodded. “I’ve liked, you know, as more than just friends, for a while – maybe a couple years.”
“How come you never gave any sign or told me or something?” I know I sounded accusing, but I couldn’t help it. I mean, I had been working myself up over her being grossed out about me being gay for her, then I found out that not only is she pansexual or whatever, but that she had liked me back for years.
“Same reason that you didn’t tell me before: I didn’t know how you would take it. You’re kinda hard to figure out, you know? I mean, you never seemed interested in guys, but you never gave any sign that you were gay either, and I can usually tell when someone’s gay pretty easily.”
“Like gaydar?”
“Yeah, except I’m not gay, I’m pansexual.”
“Oh, whatever, Jess. And I don’t like all other girls, just you,” I mumbled, instantly wishing I could take it back, though it was true.
“You’re sweet, Mel.” Jess smiled, and then kissed me. Not a full make-out session like before, just a quick, chaste kiss.
I could feel my face heat up, but I couldn’t help the smile that crept on my face.
“See you tomorrow, Mel.” We had stopped in front of her house, and I kissed her aging before she walked up her driveway into her house.
“Bye Jess. See ya!” The day had turned out exactly as I had envisioned it, but almost even better than I had hoped.