I Need You

I sat in my livingroom and although it was dark outside,
I didn't have any light on.
Staring at the phone, I hoped he would call.
He didn't want me to call him so I tried to respect that.
It was hard though, not being around him.
Especially when I was all alone like I had been, all day.

My friends hardly called because I'd been neglecting them for
a week or two. I couldn't blame them, I had been a social hermit
for the past 2 weeks.

I sighed and wrapped my arms around my legs,
resting my chin on my knees.

I wonder if I ever crossed his mind the past few days.
He crossed my mind every minute, eventhough I didn't
want to think about him much.
He had been my everything for 5 years and now,
I was his nothing.

I reached for the phone and searched for his number.
When I saw his name, I felt a stab in my heart.
Throwing the phone on the couch, I started to cry again.

"Jesus."
I screamed, frustrated with my own grief after losing him
for a reason I hadn't heard yet.

I decided to take a hot shower to wash away some of the
anxiety away.
Walking over to the shower, I heard my phone ring.

Without hesitation I dropped everything in my hands and ran
over to the couch.

I answered the phone without looking at the ID.

"Hello?"
"Hey Liv, it's me."
"Oh. Hey Jasmin."
"You sound disappointed."
"No, no. I don't mean it like that."
"I know. I'm probably stupid for asking but.. how are you?"
"I feel like shit. I keep waiting for him to call or something."
"You know, you should try to go out again. It's been two weeks."

I sighed. I knew she meant well but I wasn't sure if I could
face everyone without breaking down in loud, uncontrollable
sobs. I pictured in my head and feared the worst.

"I've been with him for 5 years.
That doesn't vanish in just two weeks, Jas."
"I know, I know. But can you please come with me?"
"Depends on where you want to go."

She was hesitant with her answer.

"Well, there's this party.."
"I don't want to go to a party."
"Just listen, okay? It's a masquerade thing and you can
be someone else for a night. Please, come? If you want to
go home, I promise we'll leave as soon as anyone can
say 'goodbye'. Please?"

I thought for a while.
A masquerade 'thing' sounded nice, I was always
up for those kind of parties. I sighed in defeat.

"I am going to take a shower, now. Can you meet me
here in about an hour or something?"
"Yes! I can! Oh, I'm sorry for pushing you, Liv. But
I'm scared for you. You hardly talk to anyone and you're
stuck in that place all alone. I just want to see you again."
"I know, Jas. It's fine, don't worry. I'll see you in
an hour or so, yeah?"
"Yes, you will. Bye, Liv!"
"Bye."

I hung up and this time, walked over to the shower for a quick
cleanse.
When I stepped out, I walked over to my closet and
picked out what I was going to wear.
I had a few masks lying around in my closet and I picked one
that went best with my outfit.

When I had that sorted, I did my hair and make up
and I still had about 15 minutes left.
I brushed my teeth, applied some bright red lipstick
just for the fun of it and then the doorbell rang.
Walking over to the door, I grabbed my phone and then
opened the door.

"Hey Jasmin. You look beautiful."
I said, when I looked at her.
She really did look nice.

"Aww, thanks. You don't look to bad yourself.
I'm digging the red lipstick."
she said, smiling.

I smiled back and then we made our way
to the party.

"So Liv, I really am sorry for pushing you a little.
I didn't mean to but it sort of happened."
Jasmin said, looking guilty.

"Oh, I told you. It's fine. At least you called.
No one else did. I understand in a way but.. I don't know.
It still stings a little."
I said, looking at my shoes.

"I'll always keep calling, Liv. You're my best friend."
she responded and I smiled at her.
A genuine smile felt weird but it also felt good, in a way.

"Thanks, Jaz."

When we arrived at the place the part was being held,
we rang the bell and we were let in, after we showed our faces.
I adjusted the mask again before going inside and walked around
with Jasmin for a while.

I didn't know alot of people, but when I did see a familliar
person, my heart started beating a bit faster.

"Liv?"
Frank asked.

"Hey."
I said, feeling nervous.

"Wow, it's been a few weeks since I saw you.
How have you been?"
he asked, of course knowing about the break-up.

"Could have been better but I'm fine."
I lied.
"So how are you?"

He shrugged.
"Same old, as always."

I nodded and smiled.

"So I think.. we need to hang out some time."
Frank said, what made me smile even more.

"Really?"
I asked.

"Of course. I mean, I like you, you like me. We should hang out."
Frank said, simply.

"Ha, well there's a good reason. But you're right.
You still have my number?"
I wanted to grab my phone but he nodded.

"Yup. I'll call you soon, okay?"
He said, smiling at me.

"That would be nice."
I said and embraced him in a warm hug.
"Thanks."

"No problem, Liv. I should go see Jamia, though.
She's here all alone now and she doesn't know anyone."
he said, looking guilty.

"Sure, tell her I said hi, okay?"
I said before he turned around.

"Will do!"
he yelled before walking off.

I turned around but didn't see Jasmin anywhere.
I made a mental note to kick her ass when
I did find her again.
So I started to stroll around the room, looking for her.
When, after the second time strolling, I didn't see her,
I decided to get something to drink.
Walking over to the drinking-section, I saw a few people
I hardly knew but not the person I was looking for.

After a few seconds standing at the drink-table,
I saw someone in a black suit and a black and white mask,
standing in the middle of the room, looking at me.

"Oh God."
I whispered to myself.

There he was, looking absolutely stunning in his suit,
his black hair beautiful in the light. His mouth was slightly opened
which made me think of all the times I kissed him.
His eyes were focussed on me what made me think of
how many times I stared in them.
I almost felt myself choke up but I did my best not to.

I turned around, closing my eyes, hoping he was just
a figment of my imagination.

"Liv."
I heard behind me, his velvet voice was like music in my ears.

I stopped breathing somewhere along the way so
turning around, I was panting a little.

"Hey. Gerard."
I managed to choke out.

He looked at me for what seemed like hours with
a pained expression on his face. Or was it something else?
I wasn't thinking clearly.

"I didn't expect to.. see you here."
he said.

My knees almost buckled because of his scent that
had reached my nose.

"I wasn't gonna come. But.. Jasmin somehow managed to
get me along."
I answered, gripping the table behind me.

"Yeah, I saw her. I didn't think she'd.. Anyway.
How have you been?"
he asked, nervously.

"Fine. Pretty good."
I lied, for the second time that night.
"How about you?"

He seemed surprised by my reaction.

"Yeah, fine. Pretty good."
he said.
I hardly noticed he used the same words I did.

"That's.. nice."
I was making a complete fool of myself, not knowing
how I should act around him.

I was so aware of him, I didn't notice anything else.
That's exactly what I didn't want because I needed
to get over him. Seeing him would only make it harder.
Him looking at me wasn't making it easier.

"So erm, do you know where Jasmin is, now?
I really have to go."
I said while trying to release my hands from the table.

The hurt I felt was almost unbearable.
I wanted to hug him, kiss him and love him
like I used to. But he wouldn't let me.

"Oh. You're going already?"
he asked, disappointed.

"Yeah, I have stuff to, you know, do."
I answered, trying to tear my eyes off of him.

"Stuff.. Erm, I saw her near the stereo a few minutes ago.
You could try there."
he answered, pointing over his shoulder.

"Thanks. Bye."
I said and quickly walked away.
While walking over to the stereo, I already saw there
was no one there.
Tears were welling up in my eyes so I just walked out of there.
Sitting down on the sidewalk, I got my phone out of my pocket
and dialled Jasmin's number.

"Goddamn it."
I said, while hearing her voicemail.

I tried her again and again, but she didn't answer.
Feeling completely miserable, I allowed the tears to
fall down.
Sobbing, I felt so stupid for even coming to the party.

"Liv?"
I heard a voice behind me.

"Gerard, please go away."
I said, standing up and wiping away the tears.
When that didn't work, I pulled the mask off, threw it away as
far as I could and then wiped them away.

"But you're sad."
he stated.

"No, I'm not. I'm crying because I'm just that happy."

I said, with sarcasm.
Walking away, he screamed after me.
"I'M SORRY!"

I felt my feet stop when all I wanted was to
keep on walking.
"I'm sorry. I know you don't feel fine. Because I'm not,
either. And you're a terrible liar."
I heard him say behind me. I heard something fall on the floor
and when I turned around, I saw he had his mask off.

"Why should you care? You don't want me anymore."
I answered, facing down.

"That's the problem, though. I still care."
he said, taking a step towards me.

"You don't have the right to still care. You messed me up in
a way I never though I could be messed up. You took my heart
and stepped on it a few times before driving over it with a
monstertruck."
It felt like that, anyway. Saying it out loud made it seem like
it was very childish.

"I never.."
he started but I didn't let him finish.

"I've been a complete hermit these past few weeks because
you told me not to call. You told me not to contact you in
any way to give you some space. Did you ever consider how I
would feel? I woke up everyday, feeling like a robot doing
everything on automatic pilot. I don't know why you make me
feel this wat but you just do. I can't think about you
without breaking down crying. I can't look at anything because
we built up memories everywhere. I don't know how I can do without
you, Gerard. I need you. I know it sounds stupid because you don't
feel the same way but.. I thought you should know.
You will always have my heart and I don't know how to fix it."
I had said all this calmly when inside, I wanted to scream it out.

He had looked down somehwere along the way and I
felt like I'd said enough.
I turned around and walked away from him.

Walking home, I felt numb.
I'd seen him and knew for a fact now, that I'd never
love someone like I loved Gerard. I'd never stop loving him
anymore. Not after everything we'd been through.

When I was in bed and almost asleep, there was a knock on my door.
Then the knocks kept on coming and eventually, someone
was pounding on it.

I cursed and got out of bed, slowly.
It was almost 2 in the morning so I was about to kick someone's ass.
I unlocked the door and swung it open.

"What the HELL do you.."
I began but then saw Gerard.
His eyes were sad and he shook his head.

"I don't want you to fix it."
he said.

"What do you mean?"
I asked, not understanding.

"These past 2 weeks, I thought I made the right decision by
breaking up with you. Truth is, I just got scared at how good everything
was going between us. And I was scared that in the end, you would leave
me because let's face it, I'm not the type of guy anyone can handle because
of my sad moments and dark thoughts. So I thought, if I would just break up
with you, I'd save you alot of heartache."
he said, rambling.

"And why didn't I get a say in this?"
I asked, angry.

"I don't know, Liv I'm just scared, okay? Will you still love me
when I tell you all my demons? Will you still love me when I tell you that
I don't know how to be the perfect boyfriend? I made a stupid mistake and
I'm sorry. But please, let me have your heart and don't try to fix it.
Because I belong to you, like you belong to me. I know that now.
I don't know how to tell you I'm sorry."
he said, while he placed my face in his hands.
"I love you. I never stopped but I'm scared."

"I'm scared, too. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it."
I said, tears falling down my face again.
"I love you and I don't expect you to be the perfect boyfriend. I need you
to be you. And yes, I want to know all your demons. They made you
the guy you are, now. I'll always love you, Gerard. Always."

He closed his eyes and I saw a tear fall.
"I'm so sorry for letting you go. I'm an asshole."

"You're not. You're the perfect guy for me."
I answered and then I felt his lips on mine.

We kissed for what seemd like eternity before
I wanted him to come in and spend the night with me.
For some reason, I felt our love was the strongest it had ever been.
I knew that we'd be together through everything and that's the way I
wanted it to be.