Billie Joe Cried Today

"For a chance to change it all, I would change everything."

Billie Joe cried today. I really don't understand why, but he cried. Some kid from our English class shot himself and we all got called into assembly. Then some teacher told us what happened and the guidance counselor said if anyone wanted to talk to come find her.

Then we were supposed to go back to third hour, which is mine and Billie's art class. But he made a beeline for the locker room where we usually smoke cigarettes and I followed him. I really thought he just wanted a cigarette.

But he kind of leaned against the wall and just started crying. They were silent tears, you know? Just sort of running down his face.

I didn't know what to say, so I just sort of touched his arm, you know? And then he wiped at his face with his hand. "I'm stupid." he said. "I didn't even know his name before today. It's just weird knowing you'll never see someone again, you know?" "

I kind of nod. It is weird, but I just don't understand why he's crying. Two girls in our shop class got killed in a hit and run a few months back and he never even really seemed to mind, just sort of was quiet.

His eye shadow's running, so I go and get him a wet paper towel so I can fix his face. I'm wiping at his cheeks and his eyes that are closed.

"Mike?" he whispers.

"Yeah?"

"That could have been me." I pull the paper towel away and look at him, but his eyes are still closed. "That could have been me." he says again.

"Billie . . ."

"Last year, right before Christmas." It's an answer to a question I didn't ask. "I felt so . . . I don't know. Mom and me had a fight about Greg and she yelled at me. Mom never yells. And the phone got disconnected again otherwise I'd have called you.

"And I just sort of . . . I just felt lost. I've felt lost for awhile, but there was always kind of a map, you know? Do this, do that, write a song, feel better for awhile. Repeat process." His eyes are still closed and he's whispering.

He opens them to show green eyes swimming in tears. He grabs my hand and we stand there for a minute. "Mom told me I was grounded and then her and Greg went out to do something and Holly was at a friend's. And I . . . I snuck into their closet and I found Greg's gun. And I sort of looked at it for awhile and then I loaded it.

"I went into the bathroom and then I decided to write a suicide note. I wanted to tell Mom I loved her and I wanted to explain everything to you. So I wrote the notes and then I went back to the bathroom. And I was moving it from one hand to the next and just thinking . . ." He links his hand with mine and we're both quiet for a bit.

"Thinking about how fucked up everything was. Thinking about Dad and about Anna getting pregnant and about how Mom yelled at me and about how Greg's such a dick." His other hand moves up to my chest, against my heart.

"And I was thinking and I had the gun to my head and I was so fucking close to pulling the trigger. I mean, two more seconds and I'd have been bleeding to death. And then I saw that I'd left my book bag in the bathroom from earlier that afternoon. And you had written 'bitch' on it or something in marker, remember?

"And then I . . . I just couldn't do it. I thought about you and about how you were there, you know? And I knew you'd be there after this but you couldn't be there if I wasn't. And . . . I just sort of dropped the gun on the floor and . . ."

The tears fall from his eyes down his cheeks. "I just . . . couldn't. Everything was so fucked up, but when we were together. Just shooting the shit or singing or watching movies, I could forget. I forget about it. Not because we were doing something to take my mind off it, but because you were there. You were fucking there, Mike.

"No one's ever been there for me like that. And you put up with it all. All the bitching and the whining and the crying about my dad. You were there. And I knew you wouldn't understand because I didn't fucking understand."

He takes a shaky breath. "You're like my heartbeat. Without you I'm just fucking dead." His hand moves from my chest to my face, just sort of resting on my cheek. "Do you understand?"

I nod slowly because I do understand. I understand now.

"It . . . it just makes me upset that whathisname . . . Kent . . . I mean, he didn't have anyone. Because if he did he couldn't have done it. And the world's so fucked up. Everyone should have someone. Just one person. You've got to have one person or your life is pointless anyway."

He gulps and chokes on it and he cries again, silently still. "And he just . . . he blew his brains out like I was going to. And maybe . . . maybe if I had just smiled at him in class or said I liked his shirt or something stupid like that . . . maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone, you know?"

"It wasn't your fault." My voice sounds strange in the room after Billie's been talking so long.

"I . . . I know. But it would have helped. Maybe." His hand moves from my cheek to my neck. He's feeling my pulse in the palm of his hand. "I just feel kind of selfish."

"You're not. Billie Joe, he . . . he wouldn't have not done it. It's not us. Maybe his dad hit him or his sister died or something. It wasn't because you didn't smile in class. You never smile in class and no one's ever done this before."

"I know. But I had you and he had shit. Nothing. And now . . . he is nothing. He's just . . . he's fucking gone." Now he's crying and it's loud. It echoes in the room and I let him bury his head in my chest and I hug him, rubbing his back.

"It could have been me." he whispers again.

"That's never going to be you, Billie Joe." I promise. "You know I'll be there if you need anything. If it's three in the fucking morning, I'll drive to see you. I promise. You've always got me, okay? Even if you've got nothing else, you've got me."

"Because you're my heartbeat."

"Yeah." I kiss the top of his head. I don't know why, I just do and I think it helps because he's quieted down a bit. "I'm your heartbeat. So as long as your heart keeps beating then I'm there."

"Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."