Six Feet Under The Stars
Walls.
*"I love you." Dylan whispered in my ear.
"Mmh. I love you, too."
We were laying in our feild together, on a blanket, naked. And he was on top of me, placing kisses down my neck to my chest; we had just finished making love for the first time. It had been...almost magical. I felt connected to him in a way I had never felt before.
"Forever?" He whispered.
"And always." Was my reply.
Then I looked him in the eyes and I could see his love for me, being replaced by pure hatred; they looked almost pitch black.
"Baby? What's wrong?" I asked, sitting up making him slide up to his knees. His was kneeling over me and he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me hard onto the ground.
I didn't remember this. This wasn't how it happened. What was going on?
"I hate you!" He yelled in my face. I could feel the tears pouring out of my eyes now.
"I'm sorry! I never meant for this to happen! I'm sorry!" I yelled back. Then he hit me hard.*
I gasped and jumped up, quickly. My surroundings changed from a feild in my backyard, having Dylan with me, to my cabin, in my bed; alone. I touched my cheek where Dylan had hit me in my dream, there was no pain, just tears. This was one of the many times I had woken up crying. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't dream about him. I hated it, I didn't want to think about him anymore. But I still loved him, I couldn't change that.
I looked at the time; 7:00.
I had to be on the beach by 10:00 to meet the kids. It was kinda like a meet and greet. But everyone just goes onto the beach and hangs out with anyone. Then I had a show at 12:00 and my session was tonight at 5:00. I sighed and got out of bed.
I showered and flat-ironed my hair for once. Normally I'd just let it do it's natural wave.
Then I got dressed, putting on my black tank and blue jean shorts and slipped on my "gladiator sandals".
By the time I was done, it was 8:00. Time for breakfast.
I walked over to the Cafeteria for the leaders; it didn't seem like anyone was awake. I walked in and immediatly I heard someone call out my name.
"Avery! Over here!" Alex called.
I walked over to the table and sat down next to Jack, who put his arm around my shoulder.
"G'mornin'!" He almost yelled with a smile on his face.
"Good morning." I replied, with a not as big smile as Jack's.
"Oh, Avery this is Rian and Zack." Jack said motioning towards the two people sitting across from us. Of course, I knew who they were already. Rian Dawson, All Time Low's drummer. And Zack Merrick, All Time Low's bassist. "I know, it's nice to meet you guys." I tried to smile but the memory of my dream was making me depressed. Normally, it was easy to pretend I was happy but today, I couldn't hold it all back.
"You too! Your music is great." Rian said. Zack just smiled and nodded.
I smiled, "Thanks guys. It means alot." Before they could reply they were cut off by Alex standing up quickly. "Can I talk to you for a second, Avery?" He asked.
"Um, yeah. Of course." I stood up and followed him outside.
"What's wrong?" He asked me as I closed the door.
"Huh? What do you mean?" I didn't think it was obvious that something was wrong.
"Well, you looked as if you were gonna break down any moment in there.. I know that look. You okay?"
"I um, I'm fine. I think."
"Talking helps, ya know. I know we don't really know eachother yet but, I can help."
I thought about it, it would be great to talk to someone. And it seemed like he cared, but it seemed that way with everyone in the beggining. Only leading to heartbreak. And I was terrified to let anyone in again.
"I'm scared.." I whispered.
"Of what?"
"Getting hurt again.."
He grabbed my hand and led me to a bench. "Sit." He said. I sat down and he sat next to me.
"Listen, I know how that feels. But sometimes you gotta let your walls down. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm your friend." I took a deep breath, "okay.." I told him everything, about me and Dylan, how our relationship started out so perfect, then got so terrible. How much I loved him and still did. How he promised to stay forever and left me so broken. How I cut because of him, how I used to drink to ease my pain, and get high. How I was an addict. I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt his fingers brush a tear away softly on my cheek. I froze.
He pulled his hand away quickly, "I'm sorry.." He said.
"No, don't be.. Thanks for listening, it feels nice to talk about it. I feel a little better." Until tonight when I'm alone..
"No problem. But there won't be anymore cutting, or drugs.. Okay? I'm here for you, if you ever wanna do that stuff, just come see me, or call me. Something. Don't ever hurt yourself, it's not worth it."
I nodded. He grabbed my hands and turned them over, he pushed my wristbands up and looked at my wrists and studied my old scars. "These are old." He looked up at me.
"There's more, it's not just my wrists..." I felt tears threatening to fall again, he could tell, I guess. Because then he let go of my wrists and put his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged him back and cried for a little while into his shoulder. It felt so nice, he was so warm. And his arms felt so nice around me, I breathed in his scent. He smelled nothing like Dylan used to smell, I liked Alex's smell better. I stopped myself from thinking, I wanted to laugh at myself. Why was I thinking about how Alex smelled? Very silly. I realized I wasn't crying anymore but Alex was still holding me, I could feel his hand going up and down my back. I pulled back and looked up at him, smiling. "Feel better now?" He asked. "I do, thanks."
"It's no problem at all." I stared into his eyes for a moment, he was so beautiful. He stared back and I wondered what he was thinking. I wished I could read minds. Then before I could think anything else, I felt his lips touch my cheek and place a small kiss there. I felt butterflies fluttering around in my tummy. I hadn't felt that since Dylan.. What was happening to me?
"Let's go get you some breakfast, yeah? We got a long day ahead of us." He got up and grabbed my hand. Before I knew what I was doing, I laced my fingers with his. I didn't wanna let go and he didn't pull away. He smiled at me and I could feel more butterflies. I smiled back and we walked back to the cafeteria together, hand in hand.
And I believe, that's when I fell for Alex Gaskarth.
"Mmh. I love you, too."
We were laying in our feild together, on a blanket, naked. And he was on top of me, placing kisses down my neck to my chest; we had just finished making love for the first time. It had been...almost magical. I felt connected to him in a way I had never felt before.
"Forever?" He whispered.
"And always." Was my reply.
Then I looked him in the eyes and I could see his love for me, being replaced by pure hatred; they looked almost pitch black.
"Baby? What's wrong?" I asked, sitting up making him slide up to his knees. His was kneeling over me and he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me hard onto the ground.
I didn't remember this. This wasn't how it happened. What was going on?
"I hate you!" He yelled in my face. I could feel the tears pouring out of my eyes now.
"I'm sorry! I never meant for this to happen! I'm sorry!" I yelled back. Then he hit me hard.*
I gasped and jumped up, quickly. My surroundings changed from a feild in my backyard, having Dylan with me, to my cabin, in my bed; alone. I touched my cheek where Dylan had hit me in my dream, there was no pain, just tears. This was one of the many times I had woken up crying. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't dream about him. I hated it, I didn't want to think about him anymore. But I still loved him, I couldn't change that.
I looked at the time; 7:00.
I had to be on the beach by 10:00 to meet the kids. It was kinda like a meet and greet. But everyone just goes onto the beach and hangs out with anyone. Then I had a show at 12:00 and my session was tonight at 5:00. I sighed and got out of bed.
I showered and flat-ironed my hair for once. Normally I'd just let it do it's natural wave.
Then I got dressed, putting on my black tank and blue jean shorts and slipped on my "gladiator sandals".
By the time I was done, it was 8:00. Time for breakfast.
I walked over to the Cafeteria for the leaders; it didn't seem like anyone was awake. I walked in and immediatly I heard someone call out my name.
"Avery! Over here!" Alex called.
I walked over to the table and sat down next to Jack, who put his arm around my shoulder.
"G'mornin'!" He almost yelled with a smile on his face.
"Good morning." I replied, with a not as big smile as Jack's.
"Oh, Avery this is Rian and Zack." Jack said motioning towards the two people sitting across from us. Of course, I knew who they were already. Rian Dawson, All Time Low's drummer. And Zack Merrick, All Time Low's bassist. "I know, it's nice to meet you guys." I tried to smile but the memory of my dream was making me depressed. Normally, it was easy to pretend I was happy but today, I couldn't hold it all back.
"You too! Your music is great." Rian said. Zack just smiled and nodded.
I smiled, "Thanks guys. It means alot." Before they could reply they were cut off by Alex standing up quickly. "Can I talk to you for a second, Avery?" He asked.
"Um, yeah. Of course." I stood up and followed him outside.
"What's wrong?" He asked me as I closed the door.
"Huh? What do you mean?" I didn't think it was obvious that something was wrong.
"Well, you looked as if you were gonna break down any moment in there.. I know that look. You okay?"
"I um, I'm fine. I think."
"Talking helps, ya know. I know we don't really know eachother yet but, I can help."
I thought about it, it would be great to talk to someone. And it seemed like he cared, but it seemed that way with everyone in the beggining. Only leading to heartbreak. And I was terrified to let anyone in again.
"I'm scared.." I whispered.
"Of what?"
"Getting hurt again.."
He grabbed my hand and led me to a bench. "Sit." He said. I sat down and he sat next to me.
"Listen, I know how that feels. But sometimes you gotta let your walls down. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm your friend." I took a deep breath, "okay.." I told him everything, about me and Dylan, how our relationship started out so perfect, then got so terrible. How much I loved him and still did. How he promised to stay forever and left me so broken. How I cut because of him, how I used to drink to ease my pain, and get high. How I was an addict. I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt his fingers brush a tear away softly on my cheek. I froze.
He pulled his hand away quickly, "I'm sorry.." He said.
"No, don't be.. Thanks for listening, it feels nice to talk about it. I feel a little better." Until tonight when I'm alone..
"No problem. But there won't be anymore cutting, or drugs.. Okay? I'm here for you, if you ever wanna do that stuff, just come see me, or call me. Something. Don't ever hurt yourself, it's not worth it."
I nodded. He grabbed my hands and turned them over, he pushed my wristbands up and looked at my wrists and studied my old scars. "These are old." He looked up at me.
"There's more, it's not just my wrists..." I felt tears threatening to fall again, he could tell, I guess. Because then he let go of my wrists and put his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged him back and cried for a little while into his shoulder. It felt so nice, he was so warm. And his arms felt so nice around me, I breathed in his scent. He smelled nothing like Dylan used to smell, I liked Alex's smell better. I stopped myself from thinking, I wanted to laugh at myself. Why was I thinking about how Alex smelled? Very silly. I realized I wasn't crying anymore but Alex was still holding me, I could feel his hand going up and down my back. I pulled back and looked up at him, smiling. "Feel better now?" He asked. "I do, thanks."
"It's no problem at all." I stared into his eyes for a moment, he was so beautiful. He stared back and I wondered what he was thinking. I wished I could read minds. Then before I could think anything else, I felt his lips touch my cheek and place a small kiss there. I felt butterflies fluttering around in my tummy. I hadn't felt that since Dylan.. What was happening to me?
"Let's go get you some breakfast, yeah? We got a long day ahead of us." He got up and grabbed my hand. Before I knew what I was doing, I laced my fingers with his. I didn't wanna let go and he didn't pull away. He smiled at me and I could feel more butterflies. I smiled back and we walked back to the cafeteria together, hand in hand.
And I believe, that's when I fell for Alex Gaskarth.