Trashed & Scattered

I awoke to the sound of the bus door slamming open and loud voices. 

My eyes flew open and I instantly regretted it considering Jimmy was holding a video camera mere inches from my eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" My voice was slightly raspy but still held that frightening tone I liked to use. His movements froze as he stared wide eyed at me.

"Uh, nothing?" I quickly reached up and smacked the back of his head before he took off running. 

"Sorry, we didn't mean to wake you up." I shook my head at Johnny who was walking by.

"It's ok. How long was I asleep?"

"Uh, about three hours I think?" He shrugged his shoulders and opened the fridge.

"So we've been here for two  hours?! Why didn't anyone wake me?! I have a job to do. I didn't come as a friend."

"Val told us to let you sleep for a while. Looked like you needed it anyways." I let out a slight grumble. I'm gonna have to talk to Val, I need to be treated normally. The whole pity thing just doesn't work for me. I end up feeling suffocated, and when that happens I usually freak out. It's a bad habit of mine.

"Well what was all the loud talking about?" A grin crossed his face as he headed for the door.

"Oh we were just messing around with the guys." We? Well that usually means the whole band...so who else was out there?

"Oh. Well I'll be out in a minute." He nodded before exiting the bus. I quickly stood and stretched, cringing at the popping sound my back made from the movement. I must admit it made me feel slightly better.

I stifled a yawn before running my hand through my hair and heading to the fridge to get a water. While I felt a lot better after my nap, I still felt the lingering weakness. 

I didn't even bother to check myself in the mirror. It wasn't worth the effort today. I smiled as I opened the bus door, enjoying the cool breeze that met me the second I stepped off the bus. It was hot out but the breeze kept me cool. Voices drifted from the other side of the bus parked beside us. Since I didn't really feel like socializing right away I decided to go for a walk. 

My grip tightened on the bottle in my right hand as I dug through my pocket with my left. I literally never went anywhere without my iPod. I need it like I need air. When I feel sick, or nervous, or just out of my element I like to listen to it. 

The music calms me, without it I don't know what I'd do. I quickly put the earbuds in my ears, cranking it up as the sounds of BFMV drifted from the device. A smile instantly crept to my face as I sung along quietly to Road to Nowhere. It was one of my favorites.

I was unsure where exactly I was walking to, my feet just carried me away. After about half an hour passed I found myself by a group of trees. One of them was the perfect height for climbing. I slid my shoes off and began climbing. I had to leave my water on the ground though.

It only took me a minute or so to reach the branch I wanted. It gave me a perfect view of the area but kept me hidden from sight. Just the way I liked it. I enjoy watching the world, but prefer to do it while I know I can't be seen. I'm an observer. 

I remember when I was young I would stay up all night, almost everyday actually. I had sleep issues, which I still have. I try not to stay up late very much but it was a habit I couldn't really break. I used to love going for walks in the dead of night when I knew the rest of the world was sleeping. Now I know that's not really true but it felt like it.

My mom used to say I was a night owl. Sleep was hardly in my vocabulary. The stars and moon were practically my only friends growing up. Well until junior high that is. That's when met Joelle.

I could feel a smile stretch across my face as I continued to sit in the tree, Jimmy's voice could be heard from my position.

"Skylar! Where are you?!" I chuckled quietly as he continued his frantic search. The man was psychotic. 

'it's, it's, the ballroom blitz. It's, it's, the ballroom blitz. It's, it's, the ballroom blitz. Yea! It's the ballroom blitz!'

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as my phone began ringing, causing me to laugh and Jimmy's frantic yelling to stop. Within seconds he was standing below me.

"Skylar!" His hands were placed firmly on his hips and he had a stern look on his face.

"Uh..yes Jimmy?" I shifted my position and dug my phone from my pocket.

"Get down here. We have places to go and people to see." I couldn't help but giggle at the pout on his face.

"I don't want to come down yet. I like it up here." I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. I had received a text from Joelle telling me to call her later tonight. I quickly replied back telling her I would.

"Fine...but I'm coming up!" I chuckled as he drug his lanky self up the tree trunk, I put my phone back in my pocket before I could drop it.

"So what are you doing up here anyways?" He had situated himself in alongside me. Our backs rested against the tree trunk with our legs dangling down.

"Just observing. I like the view." I sent him a smile before turning to look at the group that was calling out Jimmy's name.

"You should jump them." I had to whisper do to the fact that the group was standing below us at this point. Luckily they didn't know that.

A wicked smirk crossed his face as he nodded excitedly. Before I could comprehend what was happening, he leapt from the branch with a wild cry coming from his mouth and landed on Matt with a thud. I nearly fell out of the tree laughing. This caught the attention of the men, and female below me.

"Skylar, why the hell are you in the tree?" Brian's eyebrow raised questioningly as he watched me.

"Just hanging around. It's nice up here." Laughter echoed from the group.

"Sky, get down before you kill yourself." Val gave me a stern look but still had a smile on her face. 

"Yes mother." I quickly stood up on the branch laughing silently at the yells of protest and fear coming from the group. I had gotten over my fear of falling from trees when I was 18. I was actually rather coordinated when it came to things like this. It was the simple things like walking that I had trouble with.

I enjoyed the rush I got from my crazy stunts. They allowed me to relieve myself from the stress people put on me to be cautious. I'm an adrenaline junkie. Ever since I was diagnosed I've been treated like some sort of fragile doll. It just pisses me off.

The branch I was on was about ten feet off the ground. I used to jump from my second floor bedroom window when I still lived at home. Luckily I had never broken a bone.

I took a slight running start across the tree branch and leapt from the end which had been cut into a nub. A squeal of laughter escaped my lips as I made my descent. The screams of the group could probably be heard in Tokyo.

I landed on my feet with a thud and did a slight summersault, ending up on my feet in a crouched position. That move took only a few weeks to master. I quickly stood and did a gymnast pose.

"And she sticks the landing!" A thundering herd of footsteps approached as the words left my lips. 

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

"You could have broken your neck!" Those were the only two sets of words spoken that I was able to catch. The rest were just jumbled and too loud to be understood.

I shrugged my shoulders with a smile as I picked up my discarded water bottle and iPod. 

A blush crossed my face as I suddenly realized just who it was that had recently joined the group. Papa freaking Roach!

I sent the  a wicked smile as Val looked at me with wide eyes, I think she was about to have a panic attack. 

"What the hell Skylar?! Were you trying to kill yourself?! Jesus, Thor and Joelle would have my neck if anything happened to you! You know you can't be doing shit like that."

My movement stopped as she spoke, my smile faded away along with every ounce of joy I had managed to gain for the day. I can't do anything fun without someone bringing up the issue. And to bring it up around the guys just wasn't something I needed.

I was unable to speak after her outburst, apparently the same went for everyone else because an awkward silence had surrounded the group.

"Ok." I quickly walked away from the group, my eyes began stinging with unshed tears that I quickly forced back. I was spun around to face a worried looking Val. 

"Skylar wait I..." I held my hand at her as she tried to apologize.

"It's fine, I should go get some work done anyway. That's what I'm here for remember?" I forced a smile and continued walking away, heading back for the busses. I needed to start helping the workers set stuff up. I was mostly in charge of the merch tent but I liked working around the stage too.

It didn't take long for me to get it done. With the help of some rodies I got the tent set up, and I was able to get all the items laid out and ready for the next days concert. By the time I was done the sun was beginning to set.

The group had thankfully left me to do my job, which was good on their part. When I'm mad or upset I like to be by myself. I don't like confrontation. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly stand up for my friends and I can defend myself easily but that doesn't mean I like it. 

When I still lived at home I spent my days in my bedroom. I preferred being alone. My room was my refuge. There was one bad thin about that though. When I isolated myself from the world I was left to my thought, which often revolved around my self loathing. I bash myself constantly even to this day. Even I realize how bad that is, I felt and still feel depressed more often than not. 

I have never been close to my family. My sister and I fought constantly and she always made fun of me for my weight. It got to the point where we couldn't even have a civil conversation without yelling. My father was just...well he wasn't the nicest person. My life was spent avoiding him. My mother, now her I never really had a problem with, not directly anyways. The only thing she did that irritated me was the fact that she was too afraid to leave my father. Many times she had gotten us all worked up saying she wanted to divorce him only to change her mind the next day. The added stress was not something I needed.

I let a sigh escape my lips as the thoughts of my family ran through my mind. This was not the time or place to take the trip down memory lane. 

"Hey" I glanced up from the table I was sitting behind to see Brian standing there nervously.

"Hi" He was leaning against the corner pole of the canopy. His hair fell softly against his face, while one of his signature fedoras adorned his head. 

"Did you need something?" I raised an eyebrow as he stood there staring at me. Yea because that's not awkward.

"Yea I need you to come back to the bus. We're getting ready to go find somewhere to eat."

"I'm not hungry." That's a lie considering my stomach has been growling for the past half hour.

"Doesn't matter, you're gonna have to eat something. It's not good to take medication on an empty stomach." My movements froze before I grumbled incoherent words beneath my breath. 

"Well I'll find something on the bus. You guys go without me." I quickly stood from my chair and turned to the boxes behind me attempting to look busy.

"Nope, we'll just order a pizza or something. I don't feel like going out anyways..." I knew he wanted to say something else but he just hadn't worked up the courage yet. 

"So, are you still mad at Val? She was pretty upset after you left." And there it is.

"I was never mad at her." I paused to pull my hair out of it's pony tail. The tightness was giving me a migraine, I could already feel it coming on. Well I guess that was part of the cause anyway.

"Yea you were, we all saw the way you reacted." He had moved to stand in front of me at this point, leaning against the chair I had been sitting in only moments ago. 

"That wasn't anger.....it was...frustration." I winced slightly as my head began pounding.

"Why were you..frustrated?" He looked sincerely confused. Not that I'd expect him to understand.

"I just...you've seen how Thor and Joe are, I can't do anything without them jumping down my throat. I feel like I'm suffocating..and now Val. I'm not mad the her, or any of them. I could never be mad I just don't particularly like being... you know what, never mind it doesn't even matter. It's fine now." My hand ran through my hair as I spun away from him and headed back for the bus. If I didn't get some Tylenol soon I was going to be in some serious pain.

"Wait why are they all so worried and overprotective? And of course it matters! You're human you have a right to be upset." He had to jog to catch up to me. I reached the bus just as he caught my arm in his hand, spinning me to face him.

"No, it doesn't." I shook my head as I glanced up at him. 

"It doesn't matter because it's not going to change anything. If there is one thing I've learned it's that what I want doesn't matter, and it never will. And I'm perfectly fine with that. As long as everyone else is happy, then I'll be ok. As if on cue another perfect forced smile covered my face. It was an automatic reaction for me at this point. I had mastered the art of pretending.

I gently pulled my arm from his grip, ignoring the tingling sensation he left, and made my way onto the bus. The talking that had been going on before I arrived stopped, all heads turned in my direction.

Val quickly stood and rushed over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her words were jumbled as she spoke quickly.

"I'm so sorry for overreacting Skylar. I didn't mean to, you just scared me. Please don't be mad at me!" I chuckled softly as I patted her on the back, attempting to calm the frazzled lady.

"It's fine Val, I'm not mad at you. Promise." She took a step back as a large smile covered the lower half of her face.

"Good. So what do you like on you pizza?" I couldn't help but laugh at how quickly she had changed the subject.

"Mostly mushrooms and pepperoni but I'm fine with whatever, so you guys just order whatever you want and I'll just pick from that."

I turned and headed to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water before heading to the bathroom. After opening the medicine cabinet I pulled out the Tylenol. I quickly placed three little red pills into my mouth and swallowed them with a gulp of water. 

My hands gripped the sink, my head begging for relief from the pounding that was going on inside. My vision was starting to deteriorate at this point. One nasty side effect of my migraines. While I had the chance I quickly grabbed a wash cloth and ran it under the cool water. When I was finished in the bathroom I opened the door. I couldn't help but grimace as I saw Brian standing there. 

"Hey are you alright?" His eyes had traveled down to the wet cloth in my hand.

"Yea I'm just getting a migraine. I think I'm gonna lay down until the food comes." I gave him a soft smile, glad to have gotten over the awkwardness of the last conversation.

"Well come take the couch, we're watching movies. The Papa Roach guys are getting the pizzas and drinks." He smiled and linked his hand with mine before pulling me back into the lounge. He sat down on the couch, shoving Johnny off before pulling me down beside him. The look on Johnny's face brought laughter to the room. 

"Brian that was rude. Johnny you can have your seat, I'll sit on the floor." I stood up, ignoring the pounding in my head as I tried to step away. Unfortunately my movement stopped when someone wrapped a their arms around my waist. I looked back, eyebrow raised, to see a sheepish looking Brian.

"Just sit on the couch." I tried to protest but Johnny spoke up.

"It's fine Skylar, you can sit there. I don't mind sitting on the floor." He gave me a reassuring smile to which I just sighed. A blush crossed my face as Brian pulled me into his lap, leaving room for Val and Matt to sit in the same position beside us. Val seemed more than excited at this situation, so I couldn't help but laugh at her. 

I sat stiffly for a few moments, unsure as to whether or not I should just go to the bunks. But I slowly relaxed into Brian as he ran his fingers soothingly up and down my arm. I smiled at the choice of movie, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 

Val groaned as the name popped up on the screen, I only smiled and melted into Brian comfortably. 

"I take it you like scary movies?" Brian's breath tickled my neck, causing an involuntary shiver to run down my spine. He had whispered so it was only me who heard him.

"Uh yea, they've always been my favorite." His arms wound around my torso, holding me against his chest. I'm pretty sure the blush that had risen to my cheeks was going to be a permanent fixture whenever I was around him. 

I caught Val staring at me with a large smile on her face. Her eyebrows rose up and down suggestively. I couldn't help but chuckle and smack her arm, shaking my head at the looks I received from Matt and Brian. I knew exactly what she was implying.

"So Skylar, have you dated anyone recently?" the eye roll was an automatic response to Val's questioning. 

"Nope, l'm not really the dating type. Well actually it's more like I'm not the people type." My shoulders rose and fell as if letting the subject fall away. Unfortunately this was not going to happen.

"Why?" Their stares bore into me as I did my best not to leave the room. The need to move began rising up my body. 

"I don't know..it's just how I am. I don't really do relationships, of any kind really."

Brian shifted slightly causing me to look back at him. His eyes, which stared me down, held an unreadable emotion. My breath caught in my throat as the door to the bus opened. We all looked over to see the men of Papa Roach entering the lounge carrying boxes of pizza and bags of drinks.

This gave me the excuse I needed to leave the comfort of Brian's lap. I didn't even bother to look back at the three people occupying the couch as I dug through my purse. It was that time of the day. After getting the pill packages opened I tossed the large tablets to the back of my throat and dry swallowing. That was a horrible choice considering I ended up gagging. My hand flew to my mouth as I attempted to open a can of pop.

The can was suddenly snatched from my hand and opened. Within seconds I had gulped down half of the can. 

"You alright?" The concern in Brian's voice almost made me shiver. I nodded my head quickly, ignoring the feeling of queasiness that was beginning to take over.

"Yea. I guess dry swallowing that shit was a horrible idea. Remind me to never do it again." I smiled softly as I set the can down. 

"Will do." the smile he gave me was heart warming and instantly sent a shiver down my spine. The butterflies in my stomach were on overdrive at this point. 

We both mad our way to the guys holding the boxes of pizza. I had yet to be introduced to them, but at this point it didn't really matter. I knew their names and they knew mine. That was enough for me. I quickly grabbed a plate and placed two pieces of pizza on it before dodging the group that was viciously attacking the greasy food.

By the time I had managed to squeeze through the group all the seats were taken. This wasn't an issue that actually bothered me. I just wasn't to fond of eating on the floor.

I sat down on the floor in front of Val who was occupying part of the couch. It didn't take long before another body occupied the floor seat next to me. I sent another shy smile to Brian, doing my best not to laugh as he shoved the pizza down his throat. Guys, enough said.

I ate my pizza in silence, allowing my mind to wander between the conversations in the room. I was too tired to put in any effort for conversations.

Within thirty minutes the food was gone and everyone had settled around the lounge to watch whatever movie was currently playing on the screen. I kept dozing off, only waking when my chin would land on my chest as it bobbed.

I felt an arm wrap around my waist as I was pulled to lean against said persons shoulder. The smell that wafted to my nose was familiarly intoxicating but I just couldn't seem to remember who it was. I shifted slightly to get comfortable, my head rested in the crook of the strangers neck as I hugged them for warmth. Not long after my eyes closed for the final time that night.