Trashed & Scattered

The next few weeks progressed pretty well. I had been getting along with everybody just fine and had even managed to be happy. It was weird for me to actually enjoy being around the group. My appointments had been going well as Val finally settled into a regular routine with me. 

At the moment I was sitting in the merch tent. We were currently in Phenix, Arizona.  The guys were getting ready to perform and it was my turn to work the tent. I could hear the screams of the people in the arena from where I sat. 

My foot continued to tap along to the beat of the song Bad Company covered by 5 Finger Death Punch as it was what I was listening to at the moment. Val was backstage with the boys.

My mood had been slightly dampened when I received a call from Joelle telling me she would be unable to join me for her scheduled days. Gena was ill so she had to cover her shifts at work. This meant I was to suffer through the another month without my best friend. 

"Excuse me miss, I was wondering how much is this?" 

I pulled the earbud from my ear and gave my full attention to the man in front of me. 

"That particular shirt is $28.75." he nodded as though he was considering the purchase. 

"I'd like to buy 2 please." I nodded and stood to grab another from the boxes behind me. Before I could comprehend what was happening I felt arms being wrapped around my torso and something sharp being pressed to my throat.

"Make one peep and I'll slice you from ear to ear." tears began forming in my eyes as I was drug around the corner of the hall. My breathing was labored as my body was thrown to the ground once we entered a pitch black room.

It was mere seconds before his weight was fully on top of me. His hands began fumbling with my shirt and it didn't take long for it to be torn from my body. Sobs wracked my chest as he continued to violently undress me.

"Please...I'll do anything, just please stop."

"Shut up bitch. You think I was kidding when I said I'd cut you?"

Though I knew he couldn't see me I shook my head. My entire body was trembling as the jeans were pulled from my lower half leaving me in only my bra and underwear. Even those didn't last long. Moments later I was completely nude.

"I felt him removing his own clothes before the knife was once again pressed to my throat.

"You scream, and I'll kill you." 

I bit my lip to keep my cries silent. It didn't take long before he entered me. The searing pain did nothing to help me. He didn't even bother going slow. 

I began saying the alphabet backwards in my mind so I could focus on anything but the pain. Tears continually cascaded down my face as he finished up what felt like years later. 

The only sound in the room besides my pitiful cries were the sounds of him redressing himself.  Seconds later I was left in the room alone and naked. Light from the hall outside was emitting into the room. 

I quickly wiped the tears from my face and slid my legs back into my jeans. My shirt and undergarments were shot so I just held them over my chest and snuck quietly back to the merch tent to grab a shirt.

Luckily no one was around to see me. As soon as I was reclothed I sat back down. I knew I couldn't tell anyone about what happened to me. I was too embarrassed. Throughout the rest of the night I sat trembling in my seat, my eyes continuously darting around in hopes that no one would approach the tent. I didn't think I could handle another human being at the moment. 

As soon as I heard the show need I quickly packed up the boxes, not even bothering to wait for help. I think I set a new record as to how fast the tent was dismantled. I basically ran back and forth to load up all the boxes. 

My the time the group started to approach the now empty merch area I was already booking it back to the bus.

I could hear them talking animatedly as I rounded the corner to the bus. Thankfully I made it inside before anyone had a chance to question my need to rush.

I immediately grabbed a clean pair of sweats and a clean t shirt before running for the shower. The bathroom door was locked just as I heard the bus door open.

Tears began falling down my face once more as I fumbled with the shower faucet. The water was almost scalding hot as I stepped in. I was to numb to care.

I quickly and frantically began scrubbing at my skin, just attempting to get the feel of the mans skin touching mine to go away. But as hard as I scrubbed, it didn't get any better.

My knees buckled as I fell to the floor, crying in my hands as I curled into a ball. 

I don't know how long I sat there like that but when I heard the knock on the door I realized the water had run cold. Luckily the guys shower in the venue.

"Skylar are you ok in there?" Val's voice sounded through the door as I ran my hands over my face once more, taking a deep breath.

"Yea I'm fine." I had to bite my bottom lip to hold back the hiccups I felt coming on.

"Alright well we're getting Taco Bell. You want anything specific?"

"I'm not hungry." Just the mere thought of food made me sick to my stomach.

"Skylar..."

"I said I'm not hungry." I didn't mean to be rude but at the moment I couldn't deal with any of the regular nonsense.

"Ok, well we'll get you something just in case you change your mind. Brian and Jimmy are staying behind so just let them know if you need anything." I didn't bother answering her back as I shut the water off.

I slowly stood, ignoring the soreness I was feeling in my lower body. When I was dried off I slide clothes on and proceeded to wash my face, ridding it of the make up stains running down my cheeks.

When I felt as good as I knew I was gonna get I silently unlocked the door, hoping to not alert Brian or Jimmy that I was no longer in the bathroom.

As quietly as I could I made my way to the bunks. I could hear a quiet chatter coming from the lounge in the front of the bus as I lifted myself into the bunk. My body screamed in protest as my muscles tensed.

I snuggled myself under the blankets and curled into the bunk as far back against the wall as I possibly could. My knees were pulled tightly against my chest as I breathed slowly in and out.

I quickly placed the headphones to my iPod in my ears and turned it on as loud as it would go. Three Days Grace blasted In my ears. My finger tapping against my leg to the beat. I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight.

My eyes were squeezed tightly shut as I willed myself not to cry. I had done enough crying.

Time seemed to stop as I laid in the bunk, curtain closed while I tried to block out the world.

My prayers of being left alone didn't last long though. I let out a slight cry of fright as my curtain opened allowing light in. 

I cowered back tightly against the wall as I shielded myself from whoever it was that was now standing in front of me.

The earbuds were carefully pulled from my ears as I opened my eyes to view the person. Matt

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Val just sent me back to get you. We just got back with food."

"I told her I'm not humgry."y eyes hardened as I dared him to tell me otherwise. Unfortunately for me he did not back down.

"Yea well you haven't eaten all day, so get your ass out here.". 

"No." I was not about to leave the safety of my bunk, no matter how kind these people were. I just wasn't feeling up for it. And just the thought of eating made me queasy. 

"Skylar, I'm not gonna fight with you about this."

"I'm not fighting, I just said no." I scooted farther back if that was possible.

I heard him grunt before he reached into my bunk to pull me out.

Out of instinct I screamed bloody murder and began cowering away. Images of the event that occurred only a few hours earlier began flashing in my mind. I felt the tears begin falling again as he quickly jumped backwards and hit the bunks opposite mine with a thud. 

Merely seconds later footsteps could be heard running through the bus.

"What the hell happened?! What did you do Matt?" Val's voice sounded outside my bunk as I hid my face in my pillow. I held my breath in order to stop my breakdown.

"I didn't do anything! I didn't even touch her! She just started freaking out!" as soon as I was calmed down I took another deep breath. My hands were trembling as I looked up at the faces in front of me.

"I...I'm sorry Matt, I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean to freak out like that." my bottom lip was trembling as I spoke. I clamped my teeth over it to stop it from moving.

"It's alright Skylar." 

"I think I'm gonna go to sleep now if that's alright with you."

I didn't even wait for a response as I rolled over onto my side with my back facing the curtain. My legs once again curled up to my chest. 

I could have hit myself for how stupid I just looked.

-----------

The next morning I climbed out of bed bright and early. I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep and was unable to lay there any longer.

I could still hear the s'mores of the others as I mad my way to the front of the bus. We were. On our way to the next venue in Virginia and wouldn't be stopping for quite a while.

I curled up on the couch and proceeded to flip through the channels on tv to find something to preoccupy my time with. There wasn't anything good on so I settled for a rerun of Criminal Minds. 

It was actually a marathon of reruns. I sat through about 3 episodes, I couldn't even tell you what happens in any of them because I had been unable to pay attention.

"You look like shit." I jumped slightly at the sound of a voice beside me. It hadn't even registered in my mind that someone had sat beside me.

"Why thank you. I take pride in looking like shit." I gave a forced smile to Jimmy as he stared back at me. 

"So what's up with you? You look like you didn't get a wink of sleep."

"Nothing, I just couldn't get comfortable." he looked skeptical but didn't push the subject any further.

We sat there silently through another episode before the rest of the group began to emerge. When Val came out she looked over me carefully. She clearly knew something was up.

"Skylar you want to help me cook some breakfast?" I shrugged my shoulders before joining her in the kitchen area. 

"Did you take your medication last night or this morning?" I nodded my head without looking at her before pulling out the carton of eggs from the fridge. 

"Did you eat yet?" I could feel her eyes burning into my back as I turned the stove on.

"Yea." my voice was quiet as I continued to avoid looking at her.

Truth be told I didn't even voter with my medication. I felt bad enough at the moment without it.

We continued to silently make breakfast. As soon as it was done the guys gathered around and filled up their plates. I could feel 
multiple sets of eyes on me as I silently moved about the bus. I continuous ignored them.

As soon as everyone else had been served I made my way to the bunks. I once again curled up in mine and silently stared at the wall. I literally felt numb to everything around me. 

It didn't take a genius to know that the whispers coming from the front were about me. This only caused me to bury my face further into the pillow. I just was not in the mood.

When I heard footsteps approach I quickly pretended to be asleep. After a moment of silence they disappeared once again leaving me to my own misery.

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The next couple of days continued on like this. I would hardly get any sleep then I'd wake up and go about my day avoiding contact with the group at all costs. When someone tried to speak to me I pretended to be busy and would rush off in the opposite direction before they got the chance to speak.

It had been twp full weeks since the event and I knew my luck would run out eventually but until then I wasn't going to change a thing. I often ignored any calls or texts I received from Joelle and Thor. I was in no mood to talk to anyone.

When i had a shift at the merch tent I would keep a bottle of pepper spray hidden under the table just in case.

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today but had managed to sneak off before Val could catch me. This was the second time i was able to avoid the appointment. I also hadnt been taking my medication. It was risky but I couldn't care less. I was currently hiding out in the back of the venue where no one could see me but I could see everyone else perfectly. All the boys except Matt were on the stage as he had left moments earlier. For what I didn't know. Val was also somewhere unknown to me. 

I continued watching the boys discuss the set list for the night. 

I hadn't been able to eat much over the past few days and when I had managed to choke something down it tended to come back up.

"Skylar we need to talk."  

I jumped in fright at the sound of Val's voice and spun in the direction it came from. Standing behind me were none other than Val and Matt. 

My eyes narrowed in slight anger for I knew what this was going to be about.

I went to stand but was immediately placed back in my chair before I could go anywhere. Val sat to my left and Matt to my right as I looked back and forth between the two.

My leg was bouncing up and down as I waited for someone to speak.

"What's going on with you? You've got us all worried. Even Joelle and Thor have been threatening to come out here because apparently you've been ignoring them." Val looked extremely upset and I felt a little bad, but it wouldn't change anything. 

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

"Skylar you haven't been taking your medication, you haven't been sleeping or eating. You know its not good for your health. You've even been hiding on the days Val was supposed to take you to the doctors." when Matt brought up my appointments my eyes narrowed in a glare at Val.

"You told him?" I could feel my hands beginning to shake as I glared hatefully at her. The tears in her eyes were doing nothing for her.

"I had to, I didn't know what else to do!" 

"I trusted you and you told him?!"

"Don't be mad at her Skylar. We've all noticed something change with you. You look horrible."

"Oh cuz that just makes it excusable huh? I trusted her with my biggest secret and she couldn't keep her mouth shut. Who else knows?" at this point there were tears running down my face along with Val's. 

"I didn't..." She was unable to finish when I interrupted her.

"Who else Val?!" She couldn't look at me as my glare continued to be fixed on her.

"Just Jimmy and Zacky." her eyes were glued to the floor as she wiped the tears from her face. 

I was unable to look at her any longer. I quickly buried my face in my hand and continued to cry. My world was slowly crumbling around me. The secret I had worked so hard to keep was now out in the open. 

I mean sure Brian and Johnny didn't know yet but it would only be a matter of time.

"I'm sorry Skylar, I...I was just so worried. I didn't know what to do." There was really no point in taking things out on her. She shouldn't have to deal with my issues anyways.

I took a deep breath before wiping my face of the tears. I looked back at the stage as I replied.

"It's fine Val. It doesn't matter anymore." Even I could tell how hollow and empty my voice sounded.

"But Skylar.." I once again interrupted her.

"It's fine Val. I'm not mad at you. I shouldn't have made you keep the secret anyways."

I flinched as Matt placed a hand on my back, silently asking me to look at him." I didn't give in to his request. If anything I did the opposite. 

I slowly stood and attempted walking away.

"Skylar where are you going?" 

"To get a bottle of water. I need to get some stuff done." before either of them had a chance to protest I was already to the door.  

As I went to open it I suddenly felt I wave of dizziness come over me. I held the door handle tightly in order to keep my balance but it didn't help me at all.

Seconds later I was on the floor. The last thing I remember is Val's scream and a bunch of footsteps. Next thing I know everything went black.