Insane Asylum

My eyes flutter open to the bright yellow sun that shined through my window. I stretched my arms above my head and waited for the satisfying pop of my joints while I yawned loudly. Today is going to be the typical, boring day that I always have every since I started living on my own. I'm basically all alone in this world and the loneliness is utterly maddening. I sighed as I stared up at the ceiling in deep thought, planning on what I should try to do different today. Usually I just wake up, eat some food and walk around aimlessly in my neighborhood until I can't walk anymore, and I always end up in the same spot as before; the graveyard. My parents died in an car accident about three years ago and I always go visit them both, even though they disowned me as their son since I was gay. I never resented them for it, it was not in my nature. They treated me like I never existed anymore and I guess that was better than treating me like I did exist and hating me. It didn't bother me and neither did their sudden deaths, but I still love and respected them for giving me life anyways.

I yawned once more before rolling out of my bed, grabbing my toothbrush, shampoo and soap for my daily shower. I walk out of my room and down the hallway of my apartment and sat my things on the counter of the bathroom. I gaze at myself in the mirror like I do everyday and sigh. My gray eyes were filled with sadness and loneliness, they didn't really sparkle. My raven black hair covered them slightly giving me a mysterious look and sometimes I feel the way I look makes people avoid me. I have a slender body that's kind of muscular but I couldn't really hold my own if I were to fight someone. The best I could do was probably bruise that person in the face and make my escape. I rolled my eyes at my reflection before stripping myself of my clothes and stepping into the steamy shower. I let the warm water pelt my body and relax before I started my daily routine of washing my body and hair. After my shower I got dried myself off slowly since I was in no hurry to do anything and wrap the towel around my waist. I leaned over the sink and brushed my teeth with no energy and spat out the toothpaste before leaving the bathroom for my own room.

I tossed the towel on my bed and bent down to pull my dresser door out for my clothes. I took out my boxers, a pair of dark skinny jeans that had a rip in the knee, a white v-neck shirt and my favorite blue hoodie. I dressed myself slowly and picked up the towel to dry my hair again. It stayed in its messy form since I really didn't care much for my appearance. I'm twenty years old and still haven't found the one person I would spend the rest of my life with. It seems kind of hopeless to even start looking, but here I am grabbing my blue chucks and putting them on my feet as I walked out of my apartment to go search for that one person I want to call my own. This is my routine and I hope it'll change someday. I guess that's why I always walk around aimlessly, just to look for him. I'm not really a social person so I don't just got up to a bubbly person and start talking to them. They kind of get on my nerves, I want to find someone who's mellowed out and almost like me. Or do I want a person who is kind of the opposite of me? I wasn't sure the people in my high-school weren't people who I'd date.

As I dragged my feet on the pavement of the sidewalk and sigh to myself. I doubt anyone would want to love me, I'm just a boring soul that'll probably die alone. I'm not exciting in fact I'm slowly losing my mind. I might as well be put into an insane asylum since the years of loneliness I have experienced are suddenly taking their toll on me. I get so lonely to the point where I start having full conversations with myself and I even laugh at the joke I just said, or just laugh out loud like someone told me the funniest joke ever. But what person would willingly go up to that God awful place and give themselves up as being insane? An insane person no doubt. I probably would at some point, but I just don't have the energy to walk miles down the street to that place. Just thinking about makes my eye twitch, being surrounded be insane people could make you even more insane than you already are. I don't see how it helps people out, it just makes them worse. But the more I think about being insane the more I want to be insane. It might give me a little voice in my head and I'll call that voice my friend. At least having a voice that my mind made up is better than nothing.

I laugh to myself as I rounded the corner of the sidewalk. I stooped so low if I'm begging to have that little voice in your head that controls virtually everything you do. I might as well wish for hallucinations to start happening around me so I could look at the person I think I'm talking to. Such insanity could lead a person down the path of self-destruction. I could end up like a serial killer or end up killing myself. Nothing good happens when a person's mind has clearly left the body, only bad things. Sometimes I think anything could make a person go mad. Like too much happiness. Being overjoyed and never really experiencing anything bad could make a person lose their mind and inevitably die. I already sadness and loneliness could make a person mad. Not having some kind of contact with another soul could make the silence in your room seem unbearable. I probably sound like some suicidal kid, but let me tell you I'm not. I haven't even thought about doing anything that drastic, though no one would miss me. I'm practically invisible to anyone and everyone.

I run a hand through my hair as I took a seat on a bench in the park. The sun was slowly setting as I was out all day walking around aimlessly lost in my own thoughts. I laugh, there's another thing that could make you insane; getting lost in your own mind. Especially if your mind is drowned in darkness like I think my mind is, I don't have one good memory being on this plant. All of my memories, that I can remember, consist of being barricaded in my room and sleeping my life away. Staring up at the rosy pink sun as it began setting in the horizon still gave me some glimmer of hope. I smile contently as I know that the sun, moon and stars became my savior when I was surrounded by darkness. It shines brightly in the sky everyday and gives off a beautiful color before it goes away for the night. And if the moon isn't shiny ever so brightly in the sky then the stars give off little sparkles of hope and it makes my heart swell. If I could I would sleep all day under the bright sun and sleep all night under the stars and moon. Nature become my home away from home.

As the sun finally went away beyond the horizon, I sigh and get up from the bench and continue my walk to the neighborhood cemetery. That place doesn't give me the creeps like it does most people. Possibly being surrounded by dead people doesn't effect a person who is on the brink of losing their mind. I shrug off the thought as I stepped past the gate of the cemetery and walked in the direction of my parents' gravestones. I kneel down in the dirt and bow my head as I said a prayer for them, where ever they are I hope for the best. When I was done prayer I sit down comfortably on my butt and run my hand down each of their gravestones. Tears slowly well up in my eyes but refuse to fall down my cheeks. I don't normally mourn over my loss since they never really did take a piece of me when they died, things didn't seem any different. Just now I don't have two bodies walking around the now empty house that I moved out of. It was too big of a place for me to live in by myself so I used the money my parents left behind and bought an apartment. I sigh as I looked at my cellphone and read that it was 11:02 at night, I guess I should head home now. I nod my head at the gravestones as to say see you again tomorrow and begin my journey back home.



I grumbled to myself as I took off my wet hoodie and tossed it on the couch in my apartment. Just my luck that it would rain as I walked the long way back home. I kicked off my shoes and made my way to the kitchen, I forgot to eat before I left the house and I'm starving. I open the refrigerator and pull out items to make a cold chicken sandwich. I took out the wheat bread and slowly made myself a sandwich and put the stuff away. I grabbed my food and sat down on the couch and began devouring the food. TV didn't really hold my interest but I did turn it on to make some sound in my dead silent apartment. I didn't like how it was always so quiet it made my head hurt in a way. I sighed when I finished my sandwich and placed the dish in the sink, I would eventually put it away most likely tomorrow. I walk down the hallway to my room and strip my clothes so I was in my boxers and crawl into bed. I lay awake for a couple of minutes before my eyes finally got heavy and closed on their own accord.