Eyes Wide Shut

We had already made a big mess of things. We had been in Jackson Cove, California for less than four whole days and we had already made a big mess of things.

I guess you could blame it on the way that my mother cooped us up in our new house like chattel. You could blame it on the fact that Samuel thought our swimming pool was too small to have any fun. Maybe it was the fact that neither of us was in search of a tan, so we had no reason to lay in the expensive, cushioned, chairs laying in backyard. If you were to ask me, I would tell you that it was because Samuel had been sober for more than seventy-two hours. I would’ve told you that it was because I had flown through my new books all too quickly, or blamed it on the fact that my mother had purposely prolonged the installation of cable. Either way we had come to the conclusion that we were being somewhat tortured; boxed in like rabid animals.

“Let’s do some shots.” Samuel tossed his football up to himself, as he laid his head back on the black leather couch in the corner his room.

“You’re getting desperate.” I snorted as I turned a worn page of ‘Great Expectations’. I stretched my legs out further on his bed and glanced over at him.

“I feel like they dropped us in Dante’s inferno. Portugal was shit too, but at least they had strong liquor and women. I feel like I’m in a solitary confinement convent. No, what’s that thing that monks have to live in?”

“You’re comparing yourself to a monk now?” I snorted.

“A monastery!” He shouted as if he were having an epiphany. As if only to confirm my suspicion that he wasn’t listening to me.

“You’re not a monk, Samuel.” I turned another page and didn’t bother to look at him.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a nun, I’d be on the beach doing a keg stand right now.”

“Don’t even try to blame this on me. If you’re getting irritable that’s your problem. I’m not the one forcing you to stay here. If I were you’re age-”

He was already pulling through his drawers and ripping off his shirt, drenching his already clean skin in cologne. I shut my book and touched my feet to the cherry wood floors.
He pulled a pair of crisp jeans off of a wooden hanger in his closet. I had spurred something, and I already regretted it.

“Samuel.”
“Come on. We’ve got a reputation to live up to.” I knew he meant it and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stop him, so I followed him.

We were looking for trouble. That’s really the only reason why we found a party so easily. We had found the promise land because we were obviously looking for trouble, but truthfully, trouble was always looking right back. It wasn’t fair and we really didn’t stand a fighting chance, but sometimes fighting got tiring. Sometimes it was just easier to tell the world that they were right about us.

It was weird the way people looked at us, full of lust, and angst, and lies. They didn’t know us, they only knew of us, but it really only took them a moment to shove full cups of beer at us. They gave us things like we were going to disappear and they tried so hard to be casual. They tried so hard to impress us.

Samuel had no problem adjusting and he never did. We had gone from being barricaded in our house to drinking on a beach with complete strangers. Yet, it made Samuel so incredibly happy. I’d never seen anything like it, he was near blissful. And it wasn’t healthy, but he was happy and I wasn’t, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.

“Please, just have a drink.” Samuel smiled half heartedly as he held out a red cup. He had been begging for nearly an hour.

“Okay.” I smiled. He turned away, satisfied with what he had done.

It had been hours. I can’t quite tell you exactly what I did to pass the time. Well, I can tell you in pieces, but it was nothing special. I had easily spent time sipping on cheap liquor that I didn’t like; at least until I was on a solid buzz, but it was only a buzz. Yeah, it was only a buzz.

There came a point where everyone blended together. There was no distinction between the people that were constantly saying hello to me, and eventually they went ignored as I walked away from the noise, tasting the liquor. It was losing its sting. I watched my feet as they pushed themselves in front of each other, until I found myself settling into the sand beneath me.

I drew a small circle in the sand in front of me and began to dig. I brought the cup to my lips one more time and scrunched up my nose, before pouring it into the sand. I wasn’t Samuel and I would never be. There was really no point in trying. I was never allowed to be the hot mess.

“You’re not a fan of Vodka?” A smooth and unfamiliar voice broke my train of thought. It was, as I carefully buried my red plastic cup in the sand.

“Liquor, mostly.”

“There’s beer back there.” He pointed back towards the twinkle lights and the bonfire.

“Alcohol, basically.” I shrugged as I pulled at the loose thread in my top.

“You’re not a drinker?”

“Despite popular theories.”

“Yeah, I can’t really handle the loss of control myself.”

“We’re a dying breed, you know.”

“Really? I hadn’t taken note.” A smirk merged onto its lips. It was perfectly practiced on his olive lips.

“I’m an alcoholic on the inside. Haven’t you heard? It’s the latest thing, all the Kendrick’s are.” I mocked a cheap tabloid headline and glanced at him for his reaction.

“Propaganda.”

“What?” My eyebrow shot up into its perfect arch.

“My sister feeds into that sorts of stuff. She’s quite fascinated by it. They all seem sort of tortured if you ask me.” I didn’t like the way that he was mocking me. Did he think that he was being charming? Of course he did. They all did.

“Funny.” My lips went tight, and I dusted sand off of myself as I stood up. “Hysterical, actually.”

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t looking at me. He hadn’t looked at me. He was talking to me, but he seemed deeply entranced by the stars and the moon. And I realized that if he were looking he’d still struggle to get a good look. It was darker than I had assumed and we were only staring at shadows, with glimpses of moonlight to keep us company, but I was already gone and none of that mattered. He saw me. They always saw me.