Always

After Severus returned to the Slytherin common room after the fight with James and Sirius, he knew that it was going to take a lot to get Lily to listen to him. He couldn’t believe he’d been so blinded by anger that he’d nearly used one of the three Unforgiveable Curses on Sirius. And even worse? He’d meant it.

That wasn’t to say he wasn’t interested in using the Cruciatus Curse, because he most definitely was. He still thought that Sirius would have deserved the agonizing pain that the curse would have put him in. After all the years of torment and the sorrow they’d caused Severus, it would do the Black to know what it felt like. But he shouldn’t have been so hasty in attempting to use it tonight. Though Lily may have known that James had started it tonight, he knew that she was completely upset and angered by the fact that Severus had nearly used that curse.

He had decided not to send his letter tonight after all, and after he’d gotten back to the common room, he had incinerated it in the trash bin. He didn’t want anyone else seeing what he had written to Lily. It was private between the two of them, and he wanted to make sure that it stayed that way.

He sighed when he wondered to himself whether or not she’d even respond to his last letter. She was pissed off at him, and rightfully so. He knew he couldn’t blame her if she chose not to reply, but he still found himself hoping that she would. Though, after waiting in the common room for over an hour after he’d arrived there, he knew that it was no use waiting for her to reply tonight when there was no chance that she was going to write him tonight.

Getting up, he decided that he was going to go to his bed and attempt to get some sleep. He already knew that there was no way he’d get any restful sleep, but at least if he slept for awhile he’d be able to concentrate a bit on schoolwork in the morning. With a million thoughts running through his mind and all of them being centered around Lily, he walked up the stone staircase towards the boys’ dormitory and found his bed in the darkness.



When Severus woke up the next morning, it was to the sound of the familiar click, click of Baldric’s beak on the glass of the window beside his bed. He immediately jumped out of the bed, wondering if his bird was here with a letter from Lily. Even if it was an angry letter telling him how disappointed she was in him and how much she didn’t want to talk to him like he thought it would be, it was still her writing to him.

He allowed the bird to hold its leg out so he could untie the scroll from around it before watching for a moment as the black owl flew off back to the owlery, safe from the snow that had started falling from the grey clouds in the sky. Severus sighed and took the letter after closing the window before he returned to his bed. He didn’t know what was waiting to be read on the inside of the letter, but he was going to find out now, he thought to himself with a deep breath.

Severus,
I know that you didn’t start the fight last night in the east corridor with James, but I’m equally as disappointed in you as I am in him. While he started the fight and was in the wrong for doing that, it was you who nearly used one of the Unforgiveable Curses. How could you do that to Sirius? He was standing up for James the way I would have stood up for you in that circumstance. He wasn’t involved in the fight, and he didn’t deserve what would have happened had I not removed your wand from your hand.

In your previous letter, you asked me if I’m going back to Mill Town to my family. I’m not sure whether or not I should answer that question as I’m so upset with you right now, but I suppose it can’t hurt to let you know that this year, I plan on returning home. My sister and I haven’t talked since I left at the beginning of the term and although Petunia hates the fact that I’m a witch, I am still her sister and there is nothing quite like spending time with family at the holidays. How about you? Are you returning to your parents’ home in Spinner’s End, or are you staying at Hogwarts like you did last year?

You say that you regret calling me a mudblood and yet, I’m not sure if I can truly believe that you honestly regret it, Severus. I understand that you still hold me dear as a friend, and I still think of you as a friend as well. But what you did last night makes me wonder whether or no you truly regret it. Would you have used such a dark curse if you honestly wish things happened differently? You frighten me with the way you’re so fascinated in the dark arts. Can’t you see that there are beautiful things in the world and that there are more important things than seeking revenge on those who have hurt you and wronged you?

I would prefer if you didn’t send me another letter until I send another one to you this time, Severus. It’s not that I don’t want to hear from you, but right now I need to be given the chance to be angry with you and talking to you through letters won’t give me that chance. I’m not saying that we’re not friends, I’m just saying we need some distance.

Your friend, Lily

Severus felt his heart twinge a little bit as he looked down at the words that Lily had put down on paper. It bothered him to know that she didn’t want him sending her more letters. It was a highlight in his day to send her letters, he thought to himself. He liked being able to communicate with her and now that she’d told him that she didn’t want to talk to him, he couldn’t help but wonder whether or not she was going to be over this by the holiday break.

He sighed when he realized that he needed to make an effort to show Lily that he truly regretted the fact that he’d nearly used the Cruciatus Curse. He didn’t actually regret the fact that he’d wanted to, but he did regret knowing that it hurt Lily that he’d almost done something that would have gotten him expelled and quite possibly landed him in Azkaban.

He knew that the only way he’d be able to get close to her was if he did indeed return home to Spinner’s End for the Christmas Break. It wasn’t something that he wanted to do, and he didn’t even know if his parents would want him there. All his father did was yell at his mother and start fights, and Severus was largely ignored. But he knew that if he was at home, he’d have a chance to see Lily without the possibility of James being around. James didn’t live in Spinner’s End or Mill Town, and he knew that if he wanted to get close to Lily again, James couldn’t be around her as well.

Severus knew he needed to write a letter to his parents telling them that he wanted to return home for the holidays. Of course, he knew that they’d question him and wonder why he was going home, but he knew that in the end, he’d be able to return to Spinner’s End for the holidays.

To Mother and Father,
I’d like to return home to Spinner’s End for the Christmas Break this year.
Severus.

He knew it was a short letter and that some people would think it was rude, but he didn’t care. He and his parents weren’t close to one another; they were just people who’d given him life and set him loose in the world to deal with his own problems. He sighed and then tucked the small letter into his pocket, deciding that he’d send the letter after Breakfast was completed. All he could hope for was that this decision didn’t backfire. He didn’t want Lily to think that he was going home for the holidays just because of her, even though he was.