Always

To Severus,
If you really want to return to Spinner’s End for the Christmas vacation, you may as well.
From, Mother and Father.

Severus sighed and pushed his hand back through his hair before he looked down at the roll of parchment that his arithmancy notes was written on. He needed to make sure that he got some studying done tonight, but he hadn’t been able to get anything done lately. He was more than worried about returning to his parents’ home for the break.

He knew that all he wanted right now was to talk to Lily, but he couldn’t do that. She didn’t want to be around him and even if he understood that, it really hurt. He felt really close to her and knowing that she didn’t want to be around him right now was the worst feeling in the world.

He sighed and then slammed his fist down roughly on the desk before shaking his head, deciding that he couldn’t do his studying tonight. He wasn’t interested in the subject matter, and he knew that if he wasn’t interested, there was no reason for him to study.

He was just starting to head into the dorm room when he heard a slight tapping sound on the window. When he turned to see what was making the sound, he frowned when he saw that Baldric was hovering there. He got up from the seat that he was sitting in and then walked over to the window, opening it and untying the scroll that was tied to the owl’s leg before telling it to return to the owlery.

He noticed that the letter was sealed, which was something new for him. He had no idea who it could be from since he knew that Lily hadn’t been sealing her letters to him recently. He sighed and then pushed his hand back through his hair before he decided he’d open the letter later. Right now, he didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone. He was tired and pissed off, and the only thing he could think of to remedy that was to go to sleep and wake up fresh in the morning.

He put the scroll into his messenger bag and then started making his way towards the dorm, a small smile on his face as he made his way there. He quickly changed into some nightclothes before laying down on the mattress, pulling the dark blankets up around his chin before wrapping himself around one of the pillows.

He hadn’t felt this vulnerable since he had been a child, he thought to himself. He remembered when he’d been little and he’d crouched and hidden in the corner of his bedroom, hugging his knees and wishing that the world could just come to a stop so that his parents would stop screaming and fighting with one another.

But even then, he’d never felt this completely alone. No matter how neglectful his parents had been to him, and no matter how abusive his father had been, his mother had always made sure he at least had some food to eat and secondhand clothes to wear. But right now, he didn’t even have that. Now that he was a teenager, his parents all but expected him to take care of himself. He was alone in the world, and until now, he’d never truly known what that felt like.

Ever since that day he’d met Lily, she’d been a constant in his life. He’d always had her there as his support system and as his best friend. She was the girl he’d grown to love, and he’d always thought that she was going to be there for him. It frightened him that she wasn’t here now. He wasn’t sure how to function knowing that she didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

Two tears started falling out of his eyes at the thought that she might never want to be there with him, and after the first two, even more started falling out. He groaned and then pushed his hands back through his hair.

He hated the fact that he was crying. Tears were for the weak, his father would tell him. Only the weak at heart would cry over anything, much less a girl. He tried to stop the muffled sobs from leaving his mouth, but to no avail. He found that he couldn’t stop the tears from falling out of his eyes.

“Oh, God, Lily,” he whispered, clutching on tightly to the pillow. “I’m so sorry.”

But the apology was coming too late. He knew that he should have apologized before, but he hadn’t. It completely pissed him off that once again, he’d allowed his pride to stand in the way of the only thing he really wanted—Lily Evans.



When Severus woke up the next morning, he felt drained of almost everything. He knew that he needed to get ready to go to class and eat breakfast in the Great Hall. He sighed and pushed his hand back through his hair before he started getting ready.

He didn’t feel like eating, but he knew that if he went down to breakfast, at least Lily would see that he was there and not causing trouble. James and his goonies never showed up to the morning meal, and Lily always thought that he was causing trouble. Severus had never let her know that she was right on those suspicions because he knew she didn’t like it if he talked trash on anyone.

He sighed and then started pulling on his shoes before he began making his way down to the Great Hall. He smiled softly when he saw Lily sitting at the Gryffindor table with some of her friends, though she didn’t acknowledge him. It was definitely something that broke his heart. He wanted her to know just how much he cared for her, though he doubted it would matter to her right now. After all, she was angry with him. When Lily Evans was angry, she let you know it.

The meal itself wasn’t something that interested Severus. He pushed the food around on his plate, finding that he wasn’t hungry. In fact, he felt sick to his stomach. He knew the kind of sickness he was feeling wasn’t because of any food or physical reason, though. He was heartsick. He missed Lily being a part of his life and right now, she obviously couldn’t be. It hurt him, and it hurt his heart.

After he finished eating, he began making his way to his first class without talking to any of the other students or any of the people who might be considered ‘friends.’ They weren’t really, at least, to Severus they weren’t. There were three kinds of people in his life, and only one of them interested him in the least.

There were the people who constantly belittled him and made his life a living hell. They were the types like Sirius Black and James Potter; those who seemed to live on making him hurt and feel humiliated. He knew that they were the kinds of people who liked to make him wish that he had never come here in the first place.

Then there were the people who, for the most part, ignored him. Remus Lupin was one of those people; he never caused the same kinds of heartache and humiliation that his counterparts did, and although Severus definitely didn’t like the other boy, he didn’t hate him the same way he hated James and Sirius.

The only other kind of person in his life was Lily Evans. She was a group all in her own. She was someone who was kind and compassionate. She breathed life into everything she touched, including Severus. She could always put a smile on his face when he was having a bad day. On more than one occasion, she’d given him a hell of a lot to live for. He’d never exactly been suicidal, but he’d certainly known depression. She’d pulled him out of that, and was something he would always remember about her.

He saw her glancing at him as he walked out of the office, and he couldn’t help but put a small smile on his face. He knew that this Christmas break would lead to them at least getting back on speaking terms, but he wasn’t sure how long it would take. All he could hope was that she would allow him in sooner rather than later. He hated living without her in his life.