Always

Lily sighed as she looked down at the floor of her bedroom later that night, her back resting against her bed, hand holding a pen as she thought about the words she was trying to write down on the small scrap of parchment resting on the book in her lap. She wasn't trying to get ahead with any homework, and she wasn't trying to work or anything like that. What she was trying to do was find the words to confess to Severus how she was starting to feel about him.

She had realized tonight while they'd been sitting in her bedroom before dinner that she was falling in love with him. Over the last few weeks, she had seen that he was changing his attitude completely. He had stopped showing interest in the dark arts, and he'd stopped being so hell bent on getting revenge on the people that had hurt him in his life so badly. It was clearly evident to her that he was making an effort to change herself for him, and that meant something to Lily.

She'd always known that there was a potential to be more than friendship between herself and Severus, even when she'd been dating James. She'd always known Severus' heart. He was a good person, no matter what anyone else said to her to try and convince her that he wasn't. He cared about people to the fullest of his capacity, and when he loved you...it wasn't the half-assed kind of love that so many of her friends seemed to have found themselves in. No. When Severus loved, it was one hundred percent.

She was glad that she was starting to realize that she loved him, though it was also scary in a way for her. She didn't know if she was really ready to let him know about her feelings. What if she told him and he decided it didn't matter anymore? What if he decided to pick up his old interests again after he had Lily's heart?

It was a scary thought. She liked this Severus; she wanted to be with this Severus, and she didn't want to lose him. But what if that was exactly what happened? What if she lost the Severus she'd fallen in love with? Could she live through that or not? Lily didn't know. She hoped she could, but she also knew that if she gave in to her heart and he let her down, it would be earth shattering for her.

She sighed and closed her eyes before she started allowing the pen to travel across the parchment, knowing that she needed to at least try. No one had ever gotten anywhere in life without risks, right? She had to take this risk.

Dear Severus, the letter started out before she faltered for a minute as she tried to come up with the words. With a small smile, she continued he words, finding exactly what she wanted to say.

Over the last few weeks of our friendship, things have changed with you. It's a good kind of change, Severus. There's a smile on your face that's never been there before and a light radiating from inside that I've never seen before. You're always so willing to talk to me and you're always there when I need you. I don't know how I've never noticed that before. Maybe it was because I got so caught up in my homework and the people I call my friends. Or maybe it’s simply because I was blind to how you felt for me.

I know that you love me. You didn't need to say it to me for me to know that it's true, because I've seen it for awhile now. You show me the kind of affection that only a boy in love would give a girl. You're always so quick to help me and I don't know how I never noticed it before these last few years. I should have noticed it when I was little. I should have known then that you loved me. Maybe if I had, we wouldn't have had that fight earlier this year.

Maybe if I had known that you love me when we were nine years old, things could have turned out differently for both of us. Maybe you could have stayed away from your dark interests, and maybe you would have had more friends in school. I know that your home situation never would have changed, but maybe you could have been happier had I not been blind and not realized that you were in love with me...that I have been loving you as well.

I know I've never said that to you and I should have, though I never realized it until this evening when we were sitting at the dining room table here at my parents' house. I realized that your laugh lights my soul up like no one else's ever has. I get butterflies in my stomach when you hold my hand, and whenever you look at me with those dark eyes of yours, I feel all squishy inside. That's the only way I can describe the way you make me feel, Sev. I've never felt this way about anyone ever before in my entire life. And that's how I know that it's love.

I know that I love you, Severus. And I know that you love me, too. I'm not sure if that's enough to make a relationship work with us. We're both from so different places in our lives. You're someone drastically different than I am. And you lead a different social life than I do, too. I just hope that we can find a way to make something work because I love you and now that I realize that, I don't know if I'd be able to live knowing that you've fallen out of love with me. I hope that's not the case.

You've been holding my hand so often lately and when you kissed my hand, it felt good, too. I wish that we could always be holding hands. It feels so right and it's like my hand fits yours perfectly. I wonder if that's a sign, Severus? You've always been interested in stuff like that, so what if our fate is to end up together? It sounds crazy, but I hope it’s true. I--

She cut her next sentence off by crumpling the paper up and tossing it into the nearest garbage can. She felt awkward for having poured her heart out like that onto a piece of paper, especially when she realized that she'd gotten as personal as she ever had with someone before. She had admitted that she loved Severus and even if it was true that she wanted him to know that she loved him, she didn't want to scare him off.

She pushed her hand back through her head as she closed her eyes, deciding that she could worry about writing the letter later. Right now, she needed to get some sleep. She didn't want to think about the fact that she was so in love with Severus right now, and she didn't want to worry about what his reaction to her would be whether or not it be good or bad. All she wanted to think about right now was the fact that she realized she loved him. That was enough for now. Now that she knew that, she could figure out what to do about it in the morning.

In the morning when she woke up, she decided that she'd send a message to Severus via their owls and ask him to meet her in the field. She needed to tell him how she felt, even if that thought scared the living shit out of her. She needed to make sure that he knew. It wasn't fair to keep this information to herself, especially when he felt the same way about her. If he decided he didn't want to have a relationship, so be it. But she still wanted him to know how much she cared about him.

She sighed and moved up onto her bed before she pulled the blankets up around her neck, her green eyes closing. She needed sleep right now and then in the morning, she would worry about all of this. At least, that was what she told herself. She already knew she'd have dreams about Severus tonight, but that was besides the point. What really mattered was that she was going to be telling Severus in the morning how she felt, and that meant that she needed to be well-rested.