Always

Severus nervously paced back and forth in his bedroom before he looked at the clock that was positioned on his wall, a frown crossing his lips when he realized that he was supposed to be in the field in a little over an hour now. He was anxious to be there, but he was also terrified of what Lily might think once he finally confessed to his feelings--that he was in love with her and that he never wanted to be without her, even though he knew she could find someone far better than he.

He wasn't confident that she'd think a relationship would work between them. After all, she was Lily Evans. She'd dated James Potter, and not only that...she was a far more beautiful person on the inside than he was. She wasn't tainted like he had become over the years.

"Snap out of it, Sev," he muttered to himself before he pushed his hand back through his hair, shaking his head before he bit his bottom lip. This wasn't going to work, a voice in the back of his head told him. But he didn't want to listen to that voice.

He knew that sometimes in order to get what one truly wanted out of life, you needed to fight for it. And he wanted to fight for Lily. He needed to be brave and tell her exactly what he wanted out of life--a relationship with her; something that could maybe grow into the kind of love he'd never seen his parents have.

He knew that telling her his feelings was going to be a risk, but he also knew that it was a risk worth taking. Lily needed to know either way; he at least owed that much to her, especially since she'd done so much for him over the years. She'd always come to him when she wanted to talk about something that upset her or made her happy, and now it was his turn to go to her with his own feelings. It was a frightening feeling.

What if she rejected him, he asked himself. What if she told him that he wasn't good enough; that she couldn't trust him to stay away from the dark arts? Even worse, what if she admitted that she loved him, too, but couldn't be with him because they were just friends? That was the last thing that Severus wanted to hear. He knew they could be best friends as well as lovers; he just knew it. It might take some work and occasionally maybe a little distance between them, but he knew it could work.

"Alright, Severus, it's now or never," he told himself quietly before he started walking out of the bedroom and towards the staircase that would lead him out of his house. He needed to start making his way to the field now or he was never going to get there.

He ignored his parents' fighting in the living room as he walked past them as he left the house. He winced when he heard his name mentioned, and once again, he couldn't wait until he graduated from Hogwarts so that he could find somewhere else to live; somewhere without all the fighting.

Hopefully, Lily would be in that somewhere with him.

The walk to the field was cold and bleak for Severus, made even chillier by the feelings of dread that were starting to settle over him like a dark cloud. He was positive that Lily was going to reject him and tell him that she had some other love interest that was far more deserving of her love.

He bit his bottom lip when he got to their tree, not seeing her there yet. It only made him more nervous. Lily was always there early whenever they needed to meet up and talk about something. She was always someone he could depend on and it worried him to know that now, she wasn't here with him like he'd hoped she'd be.

"Please show up," he whispered, a softly spoken prayer to whatever God existed. He was counting on her being here; depending on it, even.

He didn't know why he felt as though his whole world was weighing on whatever Lily's answer to him would be. He had no idea why his heart was thumping ten times faster in his chest than it normally did, or why the cool air seemed to have no effect on him as he sat down in the snow, waiting quietly for Lily to make her appearance.

All Severus knew was that he wanted her there with him. He wanted her to be there now so that he could tell her everything that he felt for her. He made a promise to himself that he wasn't going to back out. He'd come here and now, he needed to keep true to what he'd come here for.

Lily deserved to know, he kept telling himself. She deserved to know what kind of effect she had on him all the time.

She deserved to know that he loved her.

"Severus?"

He looked up when he heard her beautiful voice and he couldn't help but smile when he saw her standing there. She was wearing her Gryffindor scarf that her mother had knitted for her a few winters back, though she was also wearing the pair of green and silver mittens he'd given her to borrow awhile ago. Her hands had gotten chilled and she'd left her mittens back in the common room, so he'd given her his. She'd never given them back, and Severus hadn't minded.

"Hi, Lily," he told her with a small smile, pretending that it was just the cool air that was causing his cheeks to blush lightly as he looked up at her. She seemed to have an angel's smile as she sat down in the snow next to him, her eyes seeking his darker ones out before she reached to touch his bare hands.

"You're not wearing any mittens," she frowned before she pulled his hands into hers, wrapping her fingers around his in an effort to keep his hands warmer. That was just one of the many things Severus loved about Lily. She was always willing to help someone else; always willing to go the extra step even though she wasn't asked.

"Thank you," he murmured out softly before he bit his bottom lip, looking down at the shining white snow before he pushed his hand back through his hair. "I'm sorry I'm a bit early. I didn't want to--"

"I understand," Lily cut him off with a sympathetic smile. "You've already told me about your parents, Sev. I understand why you don't like being around them. What were they fighting about this time?"

And like that, the two of them settled into a conversation about his parents and the fight they'd been having today. Severus made up a few details, not wanting her to know that the real reason he'd been early was because he hadn't been able to wait to see her. He had been excited about seeing her today because he knew that he'd be able to come clean to her about his feelings. It didn't seem to be happening now.

He knew that he needed to let her know, even if it would be hard to do. Even if it killed him, he needed to say those three little, difficult words to her. It wouldn't be so hard, right?

I love you.

Simple words. They weren't that challenging to say, right?

Oh, but they were. Severus had never once spoken those words before. He'd never even said them to his parents. He hadn't ever really understood what it meant to love someone until he'd realized that it was how he felt for Lily. It had to be the feeling he had for her.

His heart rate sped up whenever she was around him and it felt like all the bad feelings and horrible intentions got sucked out of him whenever she was there with him. She could brighten his darkest days, and she could make him feel like somewhere in the world, there was hope for him. And he knew that was love. He knew that his heart felt things for her he was never going to feel for another girl again. And that was why he needed to let her know. That was why she needed to hear him say those little words.

"Lily, we need to talk about something," he muttered softly, looking up at her face to see what her reaction would be. She frowned, almost as though she didn't understand what he wanted, but she finally nodded before giving him a nervous smile.

"Okay, Severus. What do we need to talk about?"

He bit his bottom lip. It was now or never, he told himself. It was time to tell Lily the truth.