Status: Complete. :)
Always
Run Away
When Lily ran through the front door of her parents' house, they knew something was wrong and that something had happened between her and Severus. She had tears in her eyes and she seemed to be panicked, though neither of them knew how to make their daughter feel better about whatever it was that had happened.
Lily was completely terrified of everything that had happened in the field today. Sev had said everything that she herself had wanted to say to him; he'd told her that he loved her and that was the only thing she'd ever really wanted to hear him say. But she also knew that she needed to think about everything that his love could mean.
He might have love confused with other emotions, and she had to think about that. She knew that it was possible that maybe he thought lust was love, or that he had gotten love confused for extremely close feelings of friendship. She didn't want to get into a relationship with Severus and realize that his feelings weren't love; especially since her feelings for him were definitely love.
"Oh, damn it," she muttered under her breath before she pushed her hand back through her hair as she made her way into her bedroom, shaking her head as she sat down on the bed. She looked over at the crumpled letter she'd written him the night before and she cursed herself for having not sent it to him. He definitely should have read what she'd written inside of it because maybe then, he would have understand just exactly how to explain love. Maybe then he would have realized he might not love her after all.
But that wasn't fair to think, Lily told herself. She couldn't keep telling herself that Severus didn't love her just because he'd never had someone to love him or to love before. She had been kind to him for their entire friendship, save for the few months they had gone without talking. And he knew that they were extremely close. Even if he hadn't ever known romantic love, she'd made damn sure he knew what friend love was for. Had his friendship feelings for her actually grown into something else?
Lily hoped like hell that they had.
She pushed her hand back through her hair for a second time and then bit her bottom lip, shaking her head as she tried to figure everything out for herself. She needed to be absolutely sure of everything she felt before she talked with Severus again. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.
She made a promise to herself that until the Christmas break was over and they were back at Hogwarts, she wasn't going to speak to him. She knew it would be hard, and perhaps that it wasn't fair to Severus, but it was what she needed to do for herself. It wouldn't be fair for her to get close to him only to find out that their feelings weren't actually love.
She cursed herself. How had she let something like this happen, she asked herself. How had she allowed everything to get so damn complicated? Before, love hadn't really been an issue between the two of them. They'd had their friendship and that had been good enough.
So when had everything changed?
She didn't know. She doubted Severus knew, either. Sometimes love happened that way and Lily knew that. Unlike Severus, she had experienced love. Maybe not the kind of love her parents had, but she'd experienced it nonetheless. And she knew that sometimes, it happened quick and it happened hard. She suspected that was what had happened with Severus.
She just wished she had the courage to face him now. She knew he was probably feeling a little bit wounded since she'd left him so quickly. She hadn't even said goodbye to him. She knew that she needed to make sure she got her feelings all figured out, though, or it would only be worse for them. And that wasn't something she wanted to have happen, especially since Severus deserved better than that.
He deserved the kind of love that would shake his very foundation. He deserved someone who'd love him even after he was gone from the world. She knew that she was capable of that love, but before she did anything, she needed to be a hundred percent sure that her feelings for him were genuine. Hurting him wasn't worth the risk. He didn't deserve to get hurt; not after he'd experienced it so much in his short lifetime already.
She looked out through her bedroom and frowned when she saw his form still sitting underneath their tree. Guilt hit her like a ton of bricks and she fought with herself to go back and see him; to make him feel better and reassure him that she hadn't run away because she was repulsed.
But Lily knew that she couldn't do that. She needed to make sure she gave them both some time to get through this and make sure that their feelings were true. If she could go the next week without seeing Severus; if she could arrive back at Hogwarts and see him for the first time back there, she knew that she'd be able to admit to him that she was in love with him like he was with her.
But knowing that didn't make her feel any better about everything that had happened in the last half hour. She knew that she'd just broken Severus' heart and even if she knew she'd be seeing him again in about a week, it didn't make her feel any better. She had just essentially ruined what was left of his Holiday break.
She knew he was going to spend his time worrying about why she'd run away, maybe even wonder. She pushed her hand back through her hair and then turned away from the window. She needed to stop thinking about Severus, she told herself. She needed to let herself think about something else right now.
But she couldn't. Right now, all she seemed capable of thinking of was Severus and the fact that she'd just broken his heart. And that was when she realized she'd made a huge mistake in running away. She felt like complete and utter crap for having left Severus alone there underneath their tree after he'd confessed to his feelings.
She needed to let him know the truth about how she felt. It was what he deserved and she owed that much to him. She needed to make him understand that she did care about him; that she had just thought she needed some time to sort her feelings out for both of their good. But she had been wrong. She didn't need time; not when she'd already had so much time already.
She loved Severus and she knew that was a true fact. And she knew that she needed to get back to that tree and confess it to him before she screwed everything that she and he both wanted up for good. She didn't want to lose Severus and she was afraid that that was exactly what would happen if she didn't go and see him right now.
Lily was completely terrified of everything that had happened in the field today. Sev had said everything that she herself had wanted to say to him; he'd told her that he loved her and that was the only thing she'd ever really wanted to hear him say. But she also knew that she needed to think about everything that his love could mean.
He might have love confused with other emotions, and she had to think about that. She knew that it was possible that maybe he thought lust was love, or that he had gotten love confused for extremely close feelings of friendship. She didn't want to get into a relationship with Severus and realize that his feelings weren't love; especially since her feelings for him were definitely love.
"Oh, damn it," she muttered under her breath before she pushed her hand back through her hair as she made her way into her bedroom, shaking her head as she sat down on the bed. She looked over at the crumpled letter she'd written him the night before and she cursed herself for having not sent it to him. He definitely should have read what she'd written inside of it because maybe then, he would have understand just exactly how to explain love. Maybe then he would have realized he might not love her after all.
But that wasn't fair to think, Lily told herself. She couldn't keep telling herself that Severus didn't love her just because he'd never had someone to love him or to love before. She had been kind to him for their entire friendship, save for the few months they had gone without talking. And he knew that they were extremely close. Even if he hadn't ever known romantic love, she'd made damn sure he knew what friend love was for. Had his friendship feelings for her actually grown into something else?
Lily hoped like hell that they had.
She pushed her hand back through her hair for a second time and then bit her bottom lip, shaking her head as she tried to figure everything out for herself. She needed to be absolutely sure of everything she felt before she talked with Severus again. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.
She made a promise to herself that until the Christmas break was over and they were back at Hogwarts, she wasn't going to speak to him. She knew it would be hard, and perhaps that it wasn't fair to Severus, but it was what she needed to do for herself. It wouldn't be fair for her to get close to him only to find out that their feelings weren't actually love.
She cursed herself. How had she let something like this happen, she asked herself. How had she allowed everything to get so damn complicated? Before, love hadn't really been an issue between the two of them. They'd had their friendship and that had been good enough.
So when had everything changed?
She didn't know. She doubted Severus knew, either. Sometimes love happened that way and Lily knew that. Unlike Severus, she had experienced love. Maybe not the kind of love her parents had, but she'd experienced it nonetheless. And she knew that sometimes, it happened quick and it happened hard. She suspected that was what had happened with Severus.
She just wished she had the courage to face him now. She knew he was probably feeling a little bit wounded since she'd left him so quickly. She hadn't even said goodbye to him. She knew that she needed to make sure she got her feelings all figured out, though, or it would only be worse for them. And that wasn't something she wanted to have happen, especially since Severus deserved better than that.
He deserved the kind of love that would shake his very foundation. He deserved someone who'd love him even after he was gone from the world. She knew that she was capable of that love, but before she did anything, she needed to be a hundred percent sure that her feelings for him were genuine. Hurting him wasn't worth the risk. He didn't deserve to get hurt; not after he'd experienced it so much in his short lifetime already.
She looked out through her bedroom and frowned when she saw his form still sitting underneath their tree. Guilt hit her like a ton of bricks and she fought with herself to go back and see him; to make him feel better and reassure him that she hadn't run away because she was repulsed.
But Lily knew that she couldn't do that. She needed to make sure she gave them both some time to get through this and make sure that their feelings were true. If she could go the next week without seeing Severus; if she could arrive back at Hogwarts and see him for the first time back there, she knew that she'd be able to admit to him that she was in love with him like he was with her.
But knowing that didn't make her feel any better about everything that had happened in the last half hour. She knew that she'd just broken Severus' heart and even if she knew she'd be seeing him again in about a week, it didn't make her feel any better. She had just essentially ruined what was left of his Holiday break.
She knew he was going to spend his time worrying about why she'd run away, maybe even wonder. She pushed her hand back through her hair and then turned away from the window. She needed to stop thinking about Severus, she told herself. She needed to let herself think about something else right now.
But she couldn't. Right now, all she seemed capable of thinking of was Severus and the fact that she'd just broken his heart. And that was when she realized she'd made a huge mistake in running away. She felt like complete and utter crap for having left Severus alone there underneath their tree after he'd confessed to his feelings.
She needed to let him know the truth about how she felt. It was what he deserved and she owed that much to him. She needed to make him understand that she did care about him; that she had just thought she needed some time to sort her feelings out for both of their good. But she had been wrong. She didn't need time; not when she'd already had so much time already.
She loved Severus and she knew that was a true fact. And she knew that she needed to get back to that tree and confess it to him before she screwed everything that she and he both wanted up for good. She didn't want to lose Severus and she was afraid that that was exactly what would happen if she didn't go and see him right now.