Always

Lily sighed and pushed her hand back through her hair as she looked down at the small scrap of parchment that Severus’ most recent letter had been written on. She couldn’t help but smile as her finger traced over the careful lines his quill had inked into the parchment. He had obviously put effort into making sure that she could read what he wrote. It was something she couldn’t help but feel curious about.

Why was he still putting so much effort into a friendship she had told him was dead? She didn’t understand why Severus was still trying to hold on to her; or, for that matter, why she had allowed him to send her letters. At first it had only been so she wouldn’t hurt his feelings worse than she knew she already had. But now, she found herself looking forward to his letters…and it had only been, as he’d said, three days since the two of them had stopped talking to one another. She missed him, and she knew it.

She sighed as she looked down at the writing he’d put down in ink. Do you remember when we met six years ago in that small clearing between our houses? Of course she remembered, she thought to herself. It had been the first place she’d learned of what she was; that she was a witch, that she was special. It had been where her sister, Petunia, had called her a freak.

It was where Severus and she had agreed that they’d go off to Hogwarts and be best friends forever. She realized now how silly it had been of her to think that their promise would remain intact forever. No one stayed friends for that long, especially boys and girls. Things changed and people grew up. She had grown up, and she’d seen that Severus wasn’t the person she thought he was on the outside. However, she knew him inside better than anyone. And she knew he wasn’t what everyone assumed.

Everyone thought he was a dark, evil person; that he had no good inside of him. Lily knew that wasn’t right. She could see that Severus Snape had a heart; that when he cared about someone the way he cared about her, he was one of the most amazing people on the planet. He was someone who was capable of giving his entire heart to a person that he cared about. He had often told her that he’d die to keep her safe, and to this day, she believed him. Though he might have a twisted sense of what was right in the world and what was wrong, he was loyal to a fault. He would never betray her, and she knew that. Or at least, she had thought she’d known that.

It still stung that he’d called her a mudblood. She couldn’t help the fact that she hadn’t been born to magical parents; that her parents had been muggles and that her sister as well was unmagical. It wasn’t her fault what her background was. She’d thought that Severus had understood that. Apparently, she’d been wrong. And that was what hurt her the most and what confused her.

How could someone with a heart as clean and as innocent as his be marred by such foul thoughts? How could he have been so upset to call her something she’d always thought was unforgiveable? She understood that he had been humiliated by James and Sirius, but she couldn’t understand why Severus had lashed out at her. All she’d been trying to do was defend him the way he defended her.

She sighed and pushed her hand back through her hair before looking up through the window, seeing storm clouds brewing in the distance. She had a feeling that it was going to snow tonight, and it reminded her once again of memories she had of Severus and herself playing outside in the snow in their first and second years at Hogwarts between classes. It had been a fun time, she remembered. She missed those days; back when everything had been easy and innocent. There had been no such thing as mudbloods or the Dark Lord; or at least, she hadn’t thought it had anything to do with her.

She sighed when she looked back down at the letter that Severus had written her. She knew that he probably felt bad that she hadn’t written back to him yet. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt as though returning his letters would be somewhat of a betrayal to James. She already knew that her new boyfriend didn’t like it when her thoughts dwelled on her past friendship with Severus, so how would he react if he found out the two were exchanging letters?

In the end, she decided it didn’t matter what James thought. She and Severus might not be on the best terms right now; they may never become as close as they used to be, but she couldn’t stop herself from returning his letters and let him know what was going on in her life as well. And with that, she decided she was going to write her first reply to Severus.

Severus sighed and looked down at his homework for Potions. He normally didn’t have homework in Potions since he was so adept at it, but tonight, his thoughts were elsewhere. All he could think of was Lily and whether or not Baldric had managed to get her letter to her without losing it or letting something happen to it.

And then there was the fact that he wasn’t certain whether or not she had actually cared to read the letter. He didn’t know if she was reading any of them at all. He wouldn’t blame her if she wasn’t. He’d called her one of the worst things he ever could have called her. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness and he knew it. But it didn’t stop him from wanting to reach out to her and let her know that he still wanted her friendship.

He finally decided that he’d finish his Potions homework in the morning while everyone else was at breakfast. He was too distracted by thoughts of Lily and memories of their friendship to pay attention to what he was doing, and he didn’t want to write something that would make him look stupid.

He rolled up the parchment and tucked it into his messenger bag before he started to make his way up to the dorms. He wasn’t tired, but he knew that if Baldric had any messages for him tonight—whether they be from his parents, which would come as a surprise, or if they came from Lily—he would bring them to the window beside his bed.

Once he got to the dorms, he realized that most everyone else was asleep. There were a few people with their wands illuminated underneath their covers, no doubt trying to catch up on homework they should have had done weeks ago, and he sighed when he realized that his owl wasn’t sitting on the windowsill waiting for him.

He was just climbing underneath of the green and silver covers on his bed when he heard a faint tap, tap on the windows, and he jumped. He looked out through the window and smiled when he realized that it was Baldric. He quickly opened the window for the bird, taking the scroll that was tied to his leg before the animal flew off towards the owlery, no doubt wanting to retire for the evening. Severus could tell that there was a storm brewing, and he knew that by the time the dawn arose in the morning, there would be at least a covering of snow on the grounds.

He carried the scroll over to his bed and pulled the blankets over his head before unwrapping it.

“Lumos,” he murmured quietly under his breath, allowing the tip of his wand to light up so that he could read what he hoped was Lily’s writing on the parchment. He smiled when he saw that it was indeed her writing; that she had written him back. It showed that whether or not she wanted to admit it, she was still harboring friendly feelings for him. And for now, that was all Severus needed to go off of. As long as Lily Evans didn’t hate him, Severus could continue sleeping at night relatively at ease.

Severus,
I apologize for having not replied to your previous letters. I’m still hurt and bitter about what you called me, though I realize that I can’t allow you to write me letters without at least responding every now and again. I do remember that day; though I’m angry with you now, it was one of the best days of my life. It was you who told me what I am, and it was you who helped me come to terms with it. For that, no matter how far we are apart emotionally and friendship-wise, I will always be grateful to you. You were there when I needed a friend. I oftentimes find myself wishing that we could go back to those days. Isn’t it odd how there is a spell for some of the most mundane things, and yet we still can’t go back in time and relive moments that are still alive in our minds?
Lily.

He sighed when he realized that she hadn’t called herself his friend upon the end of the letter. He realized that she was still angry with him; her letter and what she had written was evidence enough of that, though he had hopes that he could win her back again. The Polyjuice Potion would help him to expose James Potter for what he was. All he needed to do now was wait. It would be hard for him; it would take a lot of patience, but he knew that if anyone was worth it, Lily Evans was.