Always

Severus frowned late the next afternoon when he watched James working his charm on a group of third years. It disgusted him how Lily’s new boyfriend was obviously flirting right underneath her nose, and even more than that, it disappointed him that he couldn’t allow himself to say anything to Lily. Talking to her about James would only make her dislike him even more than she already did at the moment; it would only hurt her more, and he couldn’t let her think that he had any more ill will towards James Potter than he had previously.

He found it almost ironic how, now that he’d been watching the other fifth year, he seemed to hate the boy even more than he had previously. Of course, Severus knew that it was possible that he disliked the other boy more now simply because he had Lily, but he wasn’t going to bet on that. He knew that James wouldn’t have Lily forever. At least, he was hoping not.

The Polyjuice Potion was coming along nicely, Severus thought to himself. Of course, he still had to wait until everything was completely right to use it, but with any luck, the potion was all it would take for Lily to see James for the womanizing son of a bitch that he was. Severus wasn’t usually one to insult someone like that, but it was true with James Potter. There wasn’t one good thing about the popular troublemaker.

“Snivellus, what are you doing?” James’ voice pulled him out of his thoughts several moments later, causing him to grit his teeth and clench his fists. He turned to walk away, not wanting to cause a scene that Lily would undoubtedly hear about. Instead of letting him leave, he heard James mutter a spell under his breath before he felt his feet give out from beneath him.

He wanted desperately to retaliate; to raise his wand and defend himself, but he knew he couldn’t. Not only was the kind of defense he wanted to use against school rules—it would get him expelled and most likely arrested if he did what he was thinking to James—but he didn’t want it getting back to Lily. She was his reason for avoiding confrontation with James Potter.

“Leave me alone,” he muttered under his breath, standing up once again before he narrowed his dark eyes at James. He noticed immediately that Sirius was with him, along with Remus and Peter. He disliked James more than the others, though Sirius held another dark place in his heart as well. Between the two of them, his life was made a living hell day after day, with no real reason for any of it that Severus could see.

“We’re just starting to have fun though, Snivellus,” James said with a laugh. “Avis!”

Severus ducked immediately, covering his head with his hands to block the birds that shot out through the end of Potter’s wand. He hated the boy standing in front of him now more than he ever had before, though he gained smug satisfaction when he heard Lily’s voice yelling at James to stop.

“James Potter! Stop it right now!” The redhead yelled at her boyfriend before shoving him, causing the wand to stop spewing birds. “Get out of here! Leave him alone!”

“Lily, I’m sorry. I—” James started. She held up her hand, glaring angrily at him through her narrowed green eyes before she pointed back towards the castle.

“We’ll talk about this later,” she hissed angrily at her boyfriend. “For now, just go away.”

James muttered something under his breath before he, Sirius, and the others started making their way towards the castle. Severus expected Lily to go with them; that she had only intervened to stop him from getting seriously hurt from the birds, so he flinched when he felt her hand lightly touch his.

“Are you alright?” She asked him softly. He could tell that her voice was guarded; that she was obviously trying to remain emotionless, though he could see right through the façade. She wouldn’t have stopped James from attacking him if she didn’t still care in a friendly way for him, and he knew it. She was obviously worried about him and that was something that made his heart swell.

“I’m fine,” he murmured, shaking his head as he stood up. He knew that there were scrapes and cuts along his body now from where the birds’ beaks and sharp-edged wings had touched him, although he knew he could clean them up and heal most of them himself

“You’re bleeding. You’re not fine,” she pointed out before she pushed her hand back through her hair. “Sit down and pull your robe sleeves up.”

“Episkey,” Lily murmured under her breath before she watched as his wounds slowly started healing. She waited until all of the wounds were healed before she looked up at Severus, a small, apologetic smile on her face. “I’m sorry, Severus.”

“Don’t apologize for him,” he shook his head, frowning before he looked down at the grass. “You’re not the one who did it, Lily. You have nothing to feel sorry for.”

The redhead rolled her eyes, feeling slightly annoyed by the fact that Severus hadn’t accepted the apology. Even if she hadn’t been the one to cast the spell and hurt him, she wanted to make sure that he realized she hadn’t asked James to do it. She would never treat someone badly the way James had just treated Severus.

“I know I didn’t do it, Sev,” she sighed before pushing her hand back through her hair as she stood up again, looking down at him. There were a few awkward moments where neither of them said anything before the redhead turned to leave, once again letting Severus sit there alone underneath of the tree.

He wanted to ask her to stay; to sit there and talk with him the way they used to in the past. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for what he’d called her and that he’d never say it again if only she’d be his friend again. There were a lot of things that Severus wanted to tell her, but he found that he could say none of them. His throat seemed to close up any time he came close to revealing to her his thoughts, and it infuriated him.

He wanted to be able to tell Lily that he loved her. He wanted her to realize that his feelings went much further than simple friendship. She was someone to whom he’d given his entire heart. It rather upset him not being able to talk to her about it, especially since they’d been able to talk to each other about everything in the past.

He remembered how she used to talk about her sister and how she’d been jealous that she wasn’t a witch like Lily was. He remembered how they used to laugh all the time because Petunia hadn’t liked him; that he’d been strange to her. Lily always used to apologize for the way that her sister had treated him, and now it seemed to Severus that James was apologizing for how James treated him as well. He couldn’t understand how she was so selfless to take that responsibility on her narrow shoulders. It obviously wasn’t her fault what others chose to do, so why should she shoulder the blame?

It was simple, he realized. It was because she cared for him. Whether it be a romantic kind of caring or simply a platonic one for the moment, Lily Evans still cared for him. Why would she apologize if she didn’t? Why would she have healed his cuts and sat there with him for a few moments afterwards? And why, if she didn’t care, would she have stopped James and Sirius from torturing him at all if she didn’t care?

For that question, Severus had no answer. And he wanted to keep it that way. As long as he could come up with no reasons as to why Lily didn’t care about him, he’d be happy. For now, however, he needed to go back to the castle as well. He needed to check the Polyjuice Potion to make sure that no one had tampered with it, and then he needed to return to the Slytherin Common Room so that he could write a return letter to Lily. He didn’t know if she’d read this one or not, but he wasn’t going to let uncertainty sway him.