Always

Lily smiled as she looked down at Severus’ most recent letter. It was perhaps one of his more emotional ones for her. It had definitely struck a cord with her; it tugged at her heartstrings and made her wonder why she was still staying silent towards him. Every day, she missed him more than the last. Their friendship was something she craved, and she couldn’t deny that there were, perhaps, a few other feelings there as well. It saddened her to know that she couldn’t give in to them.

Lily didn’t know if she’d ever be able to love Severus the way she knew he loved her. It wasn’t a surprise to her that he loved her; she’d seen it in the way he’d watch her or the way he’d write his letters. He had given her his entire heart, but she couldn’t give him hers. He was living in a much different world—a much darker world. A world that Lily herself had no intention of joining.

Still, seeing the words he’d written out on the paper made her realize just how close the two of them used to be, and it made her sense how truly remorseful he was for having called her what he’d called her. He was obviously very sorry about it. He wouldn’t keep apologizing to her if he wasn’t. Severus wasn’t the type of person who apologized, so you knew that when he did, he meant it with everything he had.

And then there was the fact that she knew James was up to something. She had a feeling that it was something she wouldn’t like, too. He had been spending more time pestering Severus than usual, although she saw no outward signs that he was being aggressive to her former best friend. Severus stayed calm, though she could tell he didn’t like having James around him. And James himself would sit there and just taunt Severus without saying a thing. That was what truly bothered her. She wanted him to stop, but every time she brought it up he just told her that he was trying to make a friend out of “Sevy,” as he’d taken to calling Severus.

At least it’s better than Snivellus, Lily thought bitterly to herself, shaking her head. She had no idea where James had even come up with that horrible name, but there was no call for it in her opinion. No one deserved to be called names, and especially not Severus. He may have made his mistakes with her, but he had never made fun of someone and taunted someone the way that James and Sirius seemed to relish in doing.

The redhead took a deep breath of air as she looked down at the letter, smiling when she saw that he had once again signed it with Always your friend. It was something that showed her just how much he still cared for her.

“Lily?”

She looked up when she heard her name being spoken from the doorway, and she looked up to see James standing there, a curious look on his face. She gave her boyfriend a small smile, although she said nothing to him. She still hadn’t allowed him to kiss her since the incident with Severus, though she did talk to him at night after their classes were through and they were doing their homework in the Gryffindor common room.

“Yeah?” She asked him, pushing her hand back through her hair as she discreetly put Severus’ most recent letter into another scroll of paper. She didn’t want to lose it, she thought to herself, but she also didn’t want James seeing it. She somehow had the feeling that her boyfriend wouldn’t like it if he found out she and Severus were talking through letters sent by his owl at night.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go on a walk with me?” He asked her softly, knowing that she might not want to simply because he knew she liked getting all of her homework finished up on Friday evenings. Today was Friday, and since they had no classes tomorrow, he wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to spend some time with her.

She seemed to think about it before she nodded, pushing her hand back through her hair. “Sure, I’ll go on a walk with you. Let me take my stuff up to the dorm, alright?”

James nodded, a huge grin breaking out on his face when he watched her start walking towards the girls’ dorm so that she could put her things away. He waited for about ten minutes before she finally came back down, a happy smile on her face as he grabbed her hand in his so that they could exit the common room together .

After they got out, he led her towards the small clearing close to the Quidditch field so that they could sit and talk. He’d been planning on walking, although he realized it was late and that the groundskeeper might see them. He didn’t want to risk that, and even though he had his invisibility cloak with him in case of an emergency, he didn’t want to use it unless he had to. He knew Lily’s feelings on the matter, and she disliked it.

“So, what brought this on?” She asked him softly as they sat down underneath of a tree, the dark shadows hiding them from far-off eyes if the groundskeeper was watching. James shrugged and then looked at her with a small smile on his face.

“I just wanted to spend some time with my girlfriend,” he told her before leaning over slowly, touching the side of her face carefully. “I missed spending time with you, Lily. I know that you’re angry with me right now.”

Lily realized that the words James was speaking were similar to the ones that Severus wrote down on the parchment, but she also realized that there was a major difference between the two. Severus meant what he said. He’d put so much emotion into the letters that he wrote to her that she knew damn well that he meant everything he’d said to her. James, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be as sincere. His words seemed almost forced. It worried her and made her wonder what kind of relationship she’d gotten herself into with James Potter.

“I’m angry because you’re mean to him for no reason, James,” she murmured, shaking her head as she looked down at the grass. “If you’d be nice to him, I wouldn’t be upset.”

James nodded, and then licked over his bottom lip before he touched the side of her face carefully with his hand. “I know that. That’s why I’m trying to make an effort to be nicer to him. I sat with him today during class.”

Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes, knowing that Severus had felt uncomfortable with James sitting next to him. Of course, she imagined that he felt awkward for two reasons. The first, of course, was because James and Severus had hated each other for almost as long as she could remember. And the second reason was simply more primal. James and Severus both wanted Lily for themselves, and only one of them could have her. And that person was James right now. Of course it made her former best friend feel awkward.

He pushed his hand back through his hair before he gave her another small smile. “I was wondering if you’d let me kiss you tonight,” he muttered, looking down at the grass before he grabbed her hand in his, squeezing her fingers lightly. “I understand if you won’t, though.”

Lily sighed, knowing that if she didn’t, she’d end up hurting James’ feelings. He was her boyfriend, and as angry as she was with him right now, she didn’t want to make him feel bad about himself. She nodded and allowed him to kiss her lips softly, unaware that Severus was watching the two of them from within the shadows of another nearby tree. If she had known how much his heart hurt seeing James Potter kissing her, she wouldn’t have let him. And she knew that it had been a mistake to allow him to kiss her when she realized that there was no emotion in his kiss.