Liquid Confidence

Sitting at the breakfast bar of my apartment sipping gingerly on a cup of coffee, I thought back to the previous night’s events. Everything was a jumbled mess in my head, memories blurring together that it literally made my head ache thinking about it too hard. One thing that stood out, the one thing I was positive happened last night: my boyfriend of three years and I had broken up.

The fight was hazy in places but I remembered the gist of it. Max was having a back-from-tour party and Josh and I were both significantly wasted. He was bellowing at me for not caring about him and his band enough, for my constant tardiness to his gigs, being upset that he was gone all the time. Name it, and he was probably mad at me for it. I, of course, fought back. You see, when I’m drunk, I let out everything that I’m feeling or had felt at some point or another. Anything and everything I said while intoxicated, was coming from my heart. I was definitely a truthful drunk. So I told him, yeah I was upset that he was always gone. I was angry that he cared more about that band than me. It hurt when he couldn’t show up to my parents place because he had band practice, a meeting about his clothing line, or anything else related to that damned band. What I didn’t manage to get out was that I understood it all. I understood because I loved him and what he loved, I loved. Or at least tried to, anyway.

You would think that after three years of dating, three years of dealing with being a part, that we would be a little more solid than we were. It was a constant battle of loneliness, paranoia, and worrying with me. Lonely, because when he and I had started dating, the only people I had to share him with were his family and friends. Now, I have to share him with the world. Paranoid that he wasn’t taking care of himself while he was touring. Lord knows that boy has the worst immune system ever. And worrying that he would forget about me, the girl who was always waiting for him to come back home.

When he had screamed, “You know what, Sonya? I can’t deal with this shit anymore. Us. We’re over” my heart had literally shattered. Sure, we had our fights but nothing this severe. Josh had stormed out of Max’s flat leaving the party eerily quiet with only my heavy breathing and hiccup crying to be heard. The solitary thing I can somewhat remember after that was Matt giving me comforting rubs on my back, and everyone shuffling out of the party giving me looks of pity.

I honestly can’t even remember how I got back to my flat but, my best guess was Matt dropping me off and leaving to go find Josh. They were his friends first, after all. Isn’t that how it goes in relationships? Whoever were friends first with the mutual friends, they automatically stop talking to the other party. At least, that’s what I figured. Either way really, I was friendless. That was until I decided to check my phone for any sign of Josh and had two text messages from Max and a missed call from his as well.

Sucking up my pride, I decided to call him back and figure out what he wanted. All I really wanted to do was wallow around my flat and feel sorry for myself. Normal post break-up things, you know the sort. But no, I wasn’t going to be that girl. At least, I was going to try not to be. I hit the green call button next to Max’s name and waited. Four rings later, and there he was.

“Bloody hell, it’s about time you called me back Sonya! Dan and I have been exchangin’ all sorts of stories about where about you were. Thought you might’ve been murdered or somethin.” Max’s voice was quick and sharp, trying to make sure he got his point across.

“Jesus Christ, slow down. I’m fine, just heart broken is all. So, I would really like to be left alone right now.” I tried to hide the fact that I had been crying but it was no use. I sounded straight up pathetic.

“Come on, love. Don’t be like that. Joshy’ll come around. It was just a fight, not like you broke up or somethin’.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. How did he not know?

“Max, we broke up…”

“Shit, are you serious? That fuckin’ wanker, I knew he was bein’ moody for a reason. Just said he was hung over! I’m gonna kill ‘em!” Max’s voice was angry and peeved, which honestly surprised me. Why was he mad at Josh?

“It’s not a big deal, Maxy. I’m just gonna try and get over it, yeah? Sleep off this hangover and-“ There was a knocking at my door that caught me off guard, stopping my sentence.

I hesitantly walked over to my door, getting up on my tippy-toes to look through the peephole, curious as to who was here.

Josh’s blue eyes looked tired through the fish-eye type glass of the hole, his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

I heard yelling coming from my hand and forgot I was talking to Max on the phone.

“Max,” I said quietly, “I’m gonna have to call you back later, yeah?”

“Alright. Just, do me a favor? Be careful, love.”

“I’ll try, thanks. Bye Max.”

I hung up the phone and opened the door uncertain of what to expect.

“Hey.” Those were the only words out of his mouth when his blue eyes met my green ones.

I pulled the door open a bit further, to let him into my flat. He took the invite and stood in my living room awkwardly, hands wringing together. I could tell he was nervous, his eyes shifting from wall to wall, looking anywhere but at me.

“Josh, why are you here? You made it pretty bloody clear we were over last night and I don’t need to go through that again. I just…can’t, okay?” I said, my voice cracking. My arms were wrapped around my self, as if I was trying to shield my heart from being broken any further.

“Truthfully? I don’t even know.” His eyes finally met mine and I could tell he was tired. “Last night was fucking mental. You know I didn’t even mean half the shit I said, yeah?” Josh looked so hopeful, like this could fix everything but, there was honestly too much to fix.

“Seriously Josh, this is ridiculous. You can’t honestly stand there and say you didn’t mean a single thing you said last night and you know it. Don’t be a liar.” I said. I was so frustrated with him. I, at least, would own up to everything I had said.

He sighed, took a deep breath, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You know what? You’re right. I fuckin’ hate it when you’re late to our gigs or don’t even show up. When you can’t trust me while I’m on tour. We’ve been together for three bloody years, you thinkin I’m really gonna cheat on you is mental.”

“What else do you hate about me? The things you tell your mates. Come on, Josh. I can handle it.” I sucked in a deep breath and prepared myself for everything he was going to throw at me.

“I hate how you’re always worryin’ about me. I have my mum for that, I don’t need my girlfriend askin’ me every 5 fuckin’ minutes if I’m alright.” He paused, like he was thinking about whether or not he should say something. “I can’t even believe you would think I would cheat on you, when you’re the one who’s cheated on me.”

“Josh-“ I started but he cut me off.

“No, Sonya. You asked for it, let me finish.” He sighed softly, running his hands through his hair, messing it up even more than before. “I know you wouldn't do that again but, it still hurts, you know? I think about it sometimes, and just, fuckin’ Christ it pisses me off. Like, what the fuck did I do to you to be cheated on?”

Josh paused, and walked closer to me. Honestly, I was scared. Scared that this really was it. His body was right next to mine, so close I could smell soap and the faint hint of alcohol. His left hand cupped my face, right under my chin bringing my green eyes to meet his blue.

“But, then I realize I don’t even give a shit because I fuckin' love you so much, Sonya.”

I swear I almost stopped breathing. What he had said caught me so off guard, I didn’t even respond. And I was assuming he took this as a bad sign, because he let me go and started rambling.

“I know I’m gone all the time and I’m not a great boyfriend to begin with, but I try to be, you know?” He stuffed his hands in pockets looking completely defeated. “I only want to be yours. That sounds fuckin’ cheesy as hell, right? Let’s just forget last night happened and work on us, yeah? Can we do that, beautiful?”

Josh was back in front of me again, his blue eyes on fire from the passion and emotion in him. I knew I loved him, that was definite. But, could we work past all of our issues and just be together? Only time would tell, I suppose.

“Yeah Josh, that sounds perfect.”

His lips broke out into a small smile, leaning down and gently placing his lips again mine in the sweetest kiss I could ever remember us having. Who knew if things would work out between Josh and I? They might, they might not. But, I was sure as hell going to stick around and find out.