The Beach

Sawyer had been awake for well over 30 minutes, or at least that’s what she assumed. She hadn’t looked at the clock once since her eyes opened. It was still dark, she knew that. There was no light coming through the blinds, and although she didn’t leave her blinds wide open, she did leave them open just a bit to let a bit of light through in the morning.

There was definitely no light in this room.

She sighed as she felt Jake shift next to her. She really didn’t want him in her bed. She should think that him coming to visit her was the sweetest thing on the planet, but the truth was, that’s the farthest thing from what she actually thought or even felt. She knew, logically, that Jake was just being an amazing fiancée, but he was being an amazing fiancée for the wrong girl. What’s worse, he didn’t even know it. He loved Sawyer, and Sawyer sat there every day lying to his face, smiling a fake smile and saying I love you with no meaning attached to it.

She didn’t even wanna share her bed with this man.

It’s her own fault, and she knows that. She could lie and say that it was Jake’s, or even Alex’s, but the truth was that it was her own fault. She knew that she had been in love with Alex for years, and it was her that refused to do anything about it. She refused to try a relationship with, refused to acknowledge him through the year, pretending to just be a fan of his band. Sawyer had never even tried to bring up a relationship with Alex. She was so sure it would never work with him all over the country for the majority of the year, and him living on the opposite coast from her ever when he wasn’t on tour, she didn’t see how it could work.

She thought about it a lot. Constantly, in fact. She tried to keep Alex off her mind, but with Jake in her bed, it seemed that Alex was even more present in her mind. She felt a bit guilty that she didn’t love Jake the way that he so obviously loved her. Part of her wished that she did, that way she could just ignore Alex. That’s all she wanted. She just wanted to pretend that Alex didn’t exist. She knew if Alex hadn’t been part of her life than she would love Jake. She’d at least be convinced that she was in love with him. He was everything a girl would ever hope for. He was well educated, he was a doctor as well. He treated her like a princess. He was devoted to her and he didn’t go out and get trashed at every corner. Jake was everything that Sawyer should want out of a guy.

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t what Sawyer wanted. And he never would be because Sawyer wanted Alex, and Jake was never going to be anything close to Alex.

The way Alex said her name, the way he touched, the way that he even looked at her just made her feel alive. She couldn’t even describe everything she felt with Alex, even at just the mere mention of his name.

She wasn’t stupid. She knew that she was completely in love with Alex. Denying it would just be stupid.

She had even gone as far as to try to imagine life with Alex, assuming that she would ever admit to him that she wanted him, and only him. The problem was, her vision never worked out. Every time she tried to imagine life with Alex, it always ended in them never working because he was always gone and they lived on the opposite side of the U.S. She had tried hundreds of times to think of another outcome, but her brain didn’t see how it was possible.

And that is exactly why she stayed with Jake. She knew eventually she wouldn’t be coming to the beach for rendezvous anymore with Alex Once her and Jake got married in October, Alex would be in the past. She would move on and be forced to let him go. It’s what she knew she needed. If she didn’t get married, then she would never want to leave Alex and the beach. If she didn’t become Jake’s wife, she would keep returning to the beach, summer after summer.

Marriage was an obligation, a pact. She may have been a cheater and a liar, but she did believe in some things. And being faithful during marriage was one of the things she believed in wholeheartedly.

Marrying Jake would mean she would be letting Alex go. She would not only be freeing herself, but Alex as well.

Jake let out a light snore, causing Sawyer to look at him. He looked so innocent while he slept, and he was. Innocent and naïve. He didn’t even question that Sawyer stayed in a beach house for weeks on end without him. Didn’t even question that she stayed with four other guys, for all he knew.

Jake was so trusting of Sawyer, and it made her feel a little guilty, knowing that all of his trust was entirely misplaced.

She sighed, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep while she was next to Jake. She carefully got out of the bed and made her way out of the room. She closed the door behind her carefully, and tip toed across the hall to the guest room that Alex was currently occupying during Jake’s stay.

She stood in front of the door, contemplating whether or not she should knock, just go in, or turn around and go back to a sleepless night lying next to Jake. She stared at the door, feeling stupid that she felt so nervous in front of the guest bedroom of her own house.

She shook her head, reaching for the doorknob and opening the door carefully. She tiptoed in and carefully closed the door behind her. She turned to look at the bed, which held a body with a mesh of blondish brown hair on top.

Sawyer let her lips upturn just a bit, looking at the man that lay asleep in front of her. Alex always looked so peaceful when he slept. So innocent. You would never guess the things that would come out of his mouth by the way he slept.

Sawyer loved that about Alex. Even when awake, although he didn’t look innocent, he looked peaceful, like he was content with himself. He could be yelling, be entirely too rambunctious, but he always looked like he was ok with himself, with his life.

Sawyer tiptoed over to the bed where Alex was strewn across, trying not to chuckle at how he managed to take up the entirely queen size bed alone. Sawyer tried to tell Alex on multiple occasions that he was a bed hog, but he denied it profusely every time. She wish she had her phone or camera in here so that she could take a picture of him right now.

Sawyer crept over to the bed, slowly pulling the covers back a bit and climbing in next to Alex as best she could. She felt him stir, and immediately felt guilty because she hadn’t intended to wake him up, she had just wanted to cuddle with him for a bit, be close to him.

“mph” Alex grunted as his eyes fluttered open, squinting to look at the figure next to him. His confusion grew as he realized it was Sawyer next to him, in his bed, in the dark of night.

“Sawyer?” Alex asked, his voice rough and scratchy from sleep. Sawyer just gave him a small smile before leaning forward to connect their lips lightly.

“What are you doing in here? You should be in your room” He said sleepily, resting his forehead against hers, carefully moving his body closer to hers now that he had comprehended that her body was so close his.

Sawyer really knew that he meant she should be with Jake, in her room, but she appreciated that he didn’t. She really had no idea as to why she had come in here, other than she felt as though she couldn’t sleep without Alex next to her. But she didn’t want to admit that to Alex.

“Couldn’t sleep” It wasn’t an entire lie. It was technically the truth even. But what Sawyer neglected to say, Alex seemed to know regardless. His lips twisted into a sad smile as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. They moved together and finally turned so that Alex was lying on his back, Sawyer’s head resting against his chest as her body curled up next to his side, remaining there by the pressure of Alex’s arms around her small body.

“You know you shouldn’t be here, love” Sawyer couldn’t help but let her lips upturn slightly, because when Alex was tired, his British accent seemed to slip out more than normal, and it always made her heartbeat race a bit more than normal.

“I know. I just can’t stand it. I couldn’t sleep next to him. I kept waking up. I’m just so restless when you are close by but not near me.” She whispered back to him, tilting her head up to look him into his eyes. Alex had no response for her, because he hadn’t been sleeping well that night either. It had taken him longer than it ever had to fall asleep, and even when he did fall asleep, he could tell by the way his body was reacting that it hadn’t been the most peaceful sleep he had ever received.

Alex didn’t know what else to do, so he wrapped her tighter in his arms and kissed her forehead.

“I know this is not going to be what you want to hear, and its not something I wanna say, but you’re going to have to go back to your room soon. You can’t stay here all night.” Alex said quietly.

“I know” She whispered back. She knew she’d eventually have to go back to pretending, but she wanted a few minutes where she didn’t have to do that.

So instead, she decided to lean up and kiss him, because it was one thing she didn’t have to pretend. He kissed her back eagerly, matching her movements and pulling her body closer to his with his arms. Eventually his tongue ran across her lips, pleading for entrance, which she responded to instantaneously.

It took only a few minutes for the very few clothes they were wearing to be shed and forgotten on the floor of the guestroom.