The Beach

“So are you just gonna wallow in that head of yours or are you going to actually talk to us about what you’re thinking since, you know, you’re out at breakfast with us and all.” Jayce said, and Sawyer snapped out of her thoughts, looking up at the blond and brunette in front of her. She sighed, taking one of the hands off the cup of hot chocolate she was holding and running her hand through her hair that hung loosely abound her face.

“I’m sorry. I’m really horrible company right now.” Sawyer said with a sigh. Both the girls in front of her gave her sympathetic looks, because they understood that Sawyer was in a rough place.

“Yes, but you need to talk about it. It’s so obvious that you are conflicted. You’ve barely said two words this morning after talking to Jake. Obviously your brain is working on overdrive. Come on. Talk. We all know that you need it.” Austin stated. Sawyer nodded, because she truly did. She needed to talk. She needed to leave California and Jake. She needed to be with Alex. She needed to not be getting married. She needed a lot of things right now, and the beginning of them is talking.

“I kinda told off Jake this morning. Without yelling, but just basically had at him calmly.” She said. She recalled this mornings events, and it just made her that much more frustrated. “He apologized but honestly, I’m so mad at him, and then I’m mad at being mad at him.”

“Wait. Why?” Austin asked, her eyebrows raised in confusion.

“Well, think about it. I’m mad at him because he didn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t cheating on him with Jack, but when it really comes down to it, I am cheating on him. Just not with Jack, but with Alex. I get so mad at him for it because he’s right, and I’m really mad that even though he suspects it, he’s still wrong. Then there’s this feeling in me that I should be mad at him because he even thinks that I would cheat on him, and then I get mad at myself because I’m mad at him because I am cheating on him. Just cause he doesn’t have it quite right, I feel like I can get mad at him, and then I realize I’m being incredibly stupid about the whole thing. Really, it’s entirely stupid either way, and it low-key pisses me off that I even let myself get into this situation and that I let it even get this far in the first place.” Sawyer vented, and Jayce and Austin shared a look.

It was so obvious that Sawyer really didn’t want to be in a relationship with Jake, and it was so obvious she did it because she felt like she couldn’t have Alex. Both girls knew that she was wrong though, because they saw the way that Alex looked at Sawyer, how they interacted together, even when they thought no one was paying attention to them. They moved together, not in a reactive way, but in a way where they naturally worked their body movements together. Those two were so obviously meant to be together, and yet, they weren’t, which was just so wrong, and obviously wearing on Sawyer a lot.

“You know, I’d love to sit there and give you a lecture that you’re violating a ton of moral codes and all. But quite frankly, I’m all for it.” Jayce said with a shrug, and Sawyer gave her a skeptical look as she sipped more of her hot chocolate. “Look. I’m not saying cheating on anyone is a good thing, but in all technicalities, you’ve been with Alex a lot longer. So really, it’s like you’re cheating on Alex, not on Jake, at least in my opinion. And even if you were, honestly. Jake sucks.” That last remark caused all three of the girls to burst into giggles, allowing Sawyer to relax a little bit more than she had been all morning.

“So how did you even end up with Jake in the first place? I mean, you do computer programming, and he’s in med school. How does that even happen?” Austin asked, and Sawyer shrugged.

“We went to the same college. He’s a couple years older than me, and I met him basically when he was getting ready to graduate. It was the middle of my sophomore year and the middle of his senior year. We met at a party. He was in a fraternity and one of the guys in my classes was in the same fraternity. They were hosting some sort of party for a birthday or something, and he convinced me to come stop by. I met Jake at the party and he took me out on a date a week later. The rest is kinda history.” Sawyer stated with a shrug. There was nothing fancy about how she and Jake met. It was simply just a chance meeting at a party one night in college. Very typical.

Sawyer remembered meeting Jake. Remembered thinking that he was cute. He was really nice to her when they talked. There was nothing super special about their meeting. Nothing super enthralling about him either. But she was having a good time, and enjoying his company. When she first started seeing him, she had no intentions for it to be long term. Being with Jake had just turned out to be so easy. She didn’t have to put forth much effort. He didn’t even question what Sawyer did in her free time, or why she left for weeks on end during the summer. He wasn’t overbearing, and aside from the fact that he was incredibly touchy feely, he was easy to be with.

“That was an incredibly underwhelming story.” Jayce said with a pout, and Sawyer laughed with a nod.

“My relationship with Jake is really nothing special. He’s just incredibly easy to be with. Doesn’t ask a lot of me, although I’m fairly certain that’s because I already work from home so I could still be a stay at home wife. He doesn’t really ask a whole lot from me, and he doesn’t ask me a lot of questions either.” Sawyer stated, and Austin frowned.

“That sounds absolutely horrible.” Austin said, and Sawyer just looked at her like she was crazy. “I mean. Sure its awesome that he isn’t some controlling freak or anything, but I mean really. If Rian was anything like that, I’d probably would have left him. I’d be worried if he didn’t question if I disappeared for weeks on end. The fact that he would be concerned about me shows me he loves me and doesn’t want to be apart from me that long. And everything just kind of happening? Where the hell is the romance Sawyer? I mean. The spark? The fireworks? The butterflies? I mean, everything just sailing a long? How boring. You know that I’ve surprised Rian on tour before just because I missed him and webchatting just wasn’t always good enough. And Rian was scheduled to be on tour while it was our one year anniversary, and he sent a dozen roses to the house with a card, and later when I got home from lunch with my parents, he was at home, waiting for me with a home cooked dinner and dessert. You need little things like that, and you need fights to make you stronger. This sounds like the first fight that you two have ever had. How is that even possible? Haven’t you even fought over him drinking milk out of the carton or leaving clothes every where or just something? For heaven’s sakes. There is no passion in your relationship. None, whatsoever. How could ever stay with someone that there is no passion with?” She rambled.

Sawyer couldn’t help but realize during Austin’s rant that she really didn’t do any of those things with Jake. For their anniversaries they just want out to a nice dinner, at the same place and at the same time. Jake always gave her jewelry, she always gave him some nice tie or cologne or something. It was the same thing every year. When Jake proposed to Sawyer, he did it at their anniversary dinner. Nothing special about it. Not even a large heartfelt speech or anything. Sawyer didn’t even tear up or cry when she said yes. The whole thing was incredibly underwhelming.

Sawyer also had another realization. All the passion she had ever felt was when she was at the beach for the summer. While she was with Alex, more specifically. He was the only one that made her feel the sparks, the fireworks, the butterflies. She had a fight with Alex almost every summer, always over something stupid and irrelevant. Her and Alex were always doing cute things for each other. Just small things that didn’t really mean anything to anyone else other than the two of them.

Sawyer knew that she had the perfect excuse to leave Jake. After everything that had happened, she had every reason to. She was sure that Jake wouldn’t even question why she would be leaving him. What she wasn’t sure about was whether or not she could actually do it or not. She didn’t think she could leave Jake because Alex wasn’t going to be there.

She didn’t know how in the world Jayce and Austin managed to date Zack and Rian with them being gone for a good portion of the year. It was just too much. Not being able to see the person you love more than anything? Sawyer already went through that every year, and she wasn’t even dating Alex. And she constantly wondered where he was, who he was with. She couldn’t imagine worrying about him if they were actually together.

She didn’t have that kind of strength in her to keep herself together.

“It is what it is. Jake isn't an overly romantic person, that’s all.” Sawyer said, brushing it off. She didn't want to think about what ifs. She couldn't live with the what-ifs. Alex came with a lot of what ifs. Sure, she knew that Alex was a lot more romantic than Jake, and a lot more creative about it as well, but Jake wasn't a bad guy. He was good to Sawyer. She didn't feel like she should penalize him for just one weekend, no matter how tempting it was.

“You know. You seem to have this mentality of “it is what it is” about everything having to do with being with Jake, with not being with Alex, the whole situation. Life doesn't have to be the way it is. Things can change Sawyer. You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to. You can leave Jake, and you could even try to pursue something with Alex. Long distance is possible Sawyer.” Austin stated, her words confident and filled with surety.

“I don’t really wanna talk about this anymore.” Sawyer said, the other two girls glanced at each other as Sawyer looked at the floor, sipping some more of her hot chocolate.

Hearing this conversation, it was too much. It was too much hearing someone else voice everything that Sawyer wanted to do. She couldn't stand to hear Jayce and Austin voice everything that had already gone through her head a million times over. She struggled with those thoughts in her head daily, and managed to ease the constant nagging that her conscience pestered her with. However, it would be a lot harder to ignore the words of someone other than herself. Jayce and Austin’s words only solidified everything she wanted, everything she thought, and everything she feared.

Sawyer didn’t want to marry Jake. If she were being entirely honest with herself, she was even contemplating breaking up with Jake the night that he asked her to marry him. They had been at dinner, and she had thought that it would be a good idea to call it off, longer before she ever went to the beach house. But then he got down on one knee in front of everyone in the restaurant, and popped the question. She intended to just say yes for show and then later tell Jake she couldn’t do it, but then the more time that went on, the harder time she had trying to break it off. It got to the point where she just accepted that this was how life was supposed to be for her, that she was meant to marry Jake and end things with Alex over this last summer with him.

“We should probably get going. I need to help Jack get ready to go home today.” Sawyer stated, standing up out of her chair. The other two girls followed suit, sharing another glance at each other before following Sawyer out of the coffee shop and back to Alex’s SUV that they had driven to the coffee shop in.

“You know we didn't mean to upset you.” Jayce said once they were in the car and headed back to the house.

“Yea. We can just tell how much you love Alex and how you’re actually pretty miserable with Jake. We just wanted to let you know you can be with Alex. That it’s entirely possible to do.” Austin continued.

“I know.” Sawyer whispered. “Trust me, I know.”