Mibba Frerard

Sonny's P.O.V

I walk up through the field with the flowers in hand. They're tulips I think. I asked for tulips but when you go to a florist with a moody teenager at the counter and hundreds of wilting flowers in buckets in the store, you can't be sure if you're getting what you asked for. I don't know what tulips are meant to look like, because I haven't seen them since I was about 3 but I know the smell. These smell about right so I assume they're tulips. They're my mother's favorite flowers. I first saw them when I was 5.

"Sonny, come here and smell these."

I ran over to my Mommy and smelled the flowers she was holding.

"They're tulips, Sonny. Don't they smell gorgeous? Your Dad's going to love them. This wedding is going to be perfect."

"He's not my Daddy, Mommy. He's not even my step daddy yet."

"He's going to be soon though, sweetie. He wants to be your Dad and you won't let him."

"That's because he's not my Daddy! He's mean and he's trying to take my real Daddy's place!"

"You have to move on. Your Dad died. I've moved on and you have to as well. "

"I don't want a new Daddy!"

I ran out of the store with tears in my eyes and straight into the road. I didn't know where I was going but I heard my Mom calling my name and turned around just in time to see her running after me and into the path of a truck. I screamed at her to move but it was too late. She died. At the hospital I got the worst new in the world.

Caitlin was a young nurse who'd taken a shine to me and she hugged me after I heard that my Mom died. Someone had just spoken to her and I could see my almost-step dad, Michael, sat in the corridor with a cup of coffee. He hadn't even cried.

Caitlin walked over to me and lifted me into her lap. I wiped away the tears in my eyes and looked up at her. She smiled softly and hugged me. "Your Mommy's in Heaven now, Sonny. You understand that right?"

"Yeah," I sniffled.

"Well, somebody has to look after you. Michael is going to be your guardian. That means he'll look after you and be like your Daddy."

After that my life went downhill.

A normal 5 year old would have thrown a tantrum but I knew that when I did that, people got hurt. I'd already promised myself that I'd never do it again because I didn't want anyone else to die. The news that Michael was going to be my Dad after all crushed me and I just sobbed into Caitlin's chest. I choked out that I wanted to live with her. Well, I got my wish. Caitlin lived with us for a year. I was so happy, it was like she was my new Mommy. She only lived with us as Michael's friend and I got to sleep in her bed when I got scared. I think she just stayed his friend out of respect for my mother because you don't go after a widower but after a year she must have thought Michael had moved on. I knew he never really cared about my Mom in he first place and he didn't even need to move on because he was never upset. He only cared that my Mom had a great job and a huge house. He and Caitlin became a couple and they got married. Once she was tied down, he started hitting her and drinking all the time. Then something happened, I don't know what the legal proceedings were but apparently it took our lawyer over a year to see that actually because my Mom never married Michael, we weren't allowed to live in the house until I was 18. Michael started hitting me and Caitlin left. She told me one night that she wanted to take me with her and she tried but my Dad took me back and when you kidnap a child, any claims about being abused go out the window. No one believed her, Michael got custody of me and I think Caitlin ended up in a mental institution or in jail or something. Years later he's got a new family. I've got a jock for a sister, a Stepford wife for a Mom, a cheerleader for a sister and a repentant man who pretends he's the worlds best Dad. We even moved into a bigger house. My life became perfect again in every sense except that I was emotionally dead and the whole thing had messed me up big time.

I walk over to the graves and find the one that said Anne Moore. There isn't even an inscription, just the name and some dead tulips from the last time I visited. I lay the flowers on the grave and sit down with my legs crossed. I tell my Mom everything and she's the only one that listens. No one knows what I'm like really. I don't even know. There's the bit Frank and the rest of the world sees which is the happy-go-lucky boy with the all-American family and one best friend. Then there's the bit Gerard saw which is what I do behind everyone's backs because...I don't know why I'm like that but I think that even though I tried my hardest not to, I still turned into Michael a bit. Finally, there's the part of me that cries myself to sleep, that misses my Mom and blames myself for her death and says that in a twisted way I do love Frank and the bit that says, 'Sonny, you're messed up and you have to talk to someone'. I want to but I think that I probably never will because of the second bit of me that's the strong one that stops me. I'm like a schizophrenic and I just wish I was better.

"Hey, Mom," I whisper. "I know I always talk about Frank but I can't help it. He's so beautiful. His nose, his lips, his eyes, his voice, everything about him is perfect and I know I love him but that bit of me came out again today. It came on to his boyfriend and I just know that next time I see him, it'll come out again and I'll do something bad again."

A tear falls from my eye to the ground and I say what I always say before I leave.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

A boy who tells his mother I have beautiful eyes,