An Insomniac's Summer

I’d known Corey since we were in diapers. The Bolender’s were our next door neighbors. Corey Bolender and I, we were the best of friends.

During elementary and middle school, Corey was my only friend, really. I used to be a shy and introverted girl in elementary and middle school. The other kids didn’t really talk to me. It was just Corey and I.

The two of us, we spent ever minute together. Our parents always joked that we’d end up married someday, with three kids and a dog too. My parents didn’t start working like they did until my freshman year of high school. Sometimes I’d spend nights at the Bolender’s house. They even had a separate room for me.

During our first two years of high school, I opened up and made a few friends, but it was nothing compared to what I had with Corey. It was like that of a movie, our friendship. Our windows just happened to be at the same parts of the house. There just happened to be a tree between our windows, for sneaking in or out. I didn’t think of him as anything more than my big brother, my best friend until people started asking about us my sophomore year.

Those two are always together.

Yeah, now that you think about it, you rarely see them apart.

I think they’re going out.

Oh? But I’ve never see them, like, you know… kiss or anything.

Hm… yeah, that is true. I don’t know.

Mhm, maybe they're just friends with benefits…

People always asked me if I liked him. I’m sure he was asked the same thing regarding his feelings towards me. I didn’t know what he would answer though. But as for myself, I always answered that, no, he was just my best friend. My best friend with long, golden blonde hair that went past his shoulders and emerald green eyes.

Then, Corey started dating Tiffany Rhea the summer after sophomore year. I could never see them together, yet there they were before my eyes, dating. They were completely different, but I guess they say that opposites attract. Corey actually dating someone else made me reevaluate our entire friendship.

Corey dating her changed everything… yet things were still like they were at the same time.

Tiffany, she invaded our nights for two: our movie nights, our study sessions, our general Corey and Mei time. Of course, Tiffany acted fake nice to me around Corey, but when he would leave the room to get a drink or something, she would say terrible things to me. I just call her the Bitch.

Honestly, Tiffany hated me; she hated what Corey and I had. Our close intimacy, our friendship. I didn’t want to tell Corey about her bitchery because what if he didn’t believe me? What if he believed her instead? I don’t know what I’d do if we ever had a fight or even worse, if I lost him because of one stupid argument.

One particular summer night, the three of us were in my basement watching a movie. Corey was in the middle of Tiffany and I. I glanced over and saw them holding hands. Bleh.

Tiffany saw me roll my eyes and smirked. God, she just loved to torture me. The whole thing was so juvenile. She wiggled her eyebrows and mouthed “watch me”.

Oh, shit.

She actually started kissing him. Real, proper kissing. Why? To spite me. I mean, I already knew they had sex, I mean, why wouldn’t they? I awkwardly looked away and scooted over as far as I could on the couch to give them their privacy, my heart breaking.

I was always the third wheel. It used to be just Corey and I. But now, Tiffany is always infringing on our time together. Honestly, it sucked. But what really hurt me is that Corey suggested hooking me up with one of his buddies. He didn't even realize that he was the only one that I wanted. Was he that oblivious? Or was he just ignoring the obvious attraction that we had.

I hear their mouths detach with a sickening pop. Then I hear the Bitch's whiny, horrible voice.

“Corey-kins, let’s get out of here. This movie sucks.” She complained and pouted her lower lip.

“Whoa, don’t call me ‘Corey-kins’ Tiff... You know I hate those pet names so fucking much.” He shakes his head. “And what the hell? This is my favourite movie. Who could hate Across the Universe?!” he asks, annoyed.

“I-I um, well… okay.” she stuttered and let go of his hand.

“Meili, come back over here.” Corey chuckles and pats the empty space next to him.

“Alright…” I don’t want another exhibition of their near mating rituals.

We finished watching the movie in silence, except for Corey and I's singing every once and awhile during one of our favourite Beatles’ songs. After the movie, Corey said,

“Tiff, I’m driving you home now.”

She didn’t say anything, just started walking up the stairs.

“Hey.” He said to me after she was halfway up, “Can I come over after I drop her off?”

“Why do you even ask?” I say. He smiles, and I return the gesture. He walks up, joining the Bitch and I hear Corey’s car drive away.

I waited, pacing and thinking. Oh my goodness, I liked him. I liked him so much. This was unfortunate. I was consumed in my thoughts, trying to push these feelings to the back of my mind.

He came back after about twenty minutes. Corey never knocked; my house was his house and vice versa. He came back down to the basement and just played cards all night long, We Came As Romans playing in the background.

At one point during the night, he asked me,

"Does Tiff ever, like, say stuff to you?"

"Huh?” I know what he means, but I just… I don't even know what to say. “What do you mean?”

"Like… is she ever mean to you?" he rephrases.

"Uh... no!" I laugh nervously, a fake laugh. "Why do you ask?" I really hate lying to him, but I can't just break them up, even though Tiffany is the biggest asswipe ever. I see his smile when he looks at her.

When he's holding her hand, I always think,

Tell me does she look at you the way I do?
Try to understand the words you say and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush when you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy?
Or is this more than a crush?
I catch my breath when you talk, the moment you enter the room.
My heart it breaks at the thought of her holding you…

"Just wondering." he replies cryptically. It’s silent for a moment. We go back to playing cards, and after awhile, we start talking again. Just like we always do. Awkward moment avoided.

After that night, Tiffany and Corey didn’t really talk much, so Corey and I were able to spend more alone time together for the next week or so. It was just a bump in their relationship, I suppose. Because then, to my dismay, they were even closer after the distance.

They even went to homecoming together junior year. It was a fun night, considering I had to watch the love of my life dance with another girl. Jasen Cooke was nice enough, though I guess. He was a buddy of Corey’s and he asked me to be his date. I’m pretty sure it was merely out of pity. We danced together. I even went out with him for a little while. It was only a few weeks. He had curly, light brown hair and hazel eyes. He was my first boyfriend, and he taught me the ropes of dating. We didn’t do much, really. Just went out on a few dates here and there. Made out a few times. But nothing really… serious happened.

Obviously, he broke up with me. The reason was so insignificant that I can’t even remember what it was, no matter how hard I tried. I do remember the night that Jasen broke up with me perfectly, though.

That night, I had went to over to Corey’s house, crying. We went up to his room. He sat down, his back against his bed. He patted the spot in front of him for me to sit. I sat down in front of him, his arms wrapping around me in a protective shield.

He just held me, whispering. His warm breath tickled my ear He whispered that everything would be alright. That there were other, better, guys out there for me. But he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand that there would only ever be one guy for me. The one guy that I couldn’t have. I was completely over Jasen, just like that. I didn’t even like him all that much anyways. I mean, I liked him enough to go out with him, but not at all how I liked Corey.

After awhile of snuggling with me, he asked if I wanted to spend the night. He hadn’t asked that since he had started to go out with the Bitch. We had frequent sleepovers during elementary and middle school. Even a few scattered times throughout the first year of high school. Not at all during sophomore year, though, since the Bitch was in the picture.

I left soon after he asked me to go eat dinner with my parents. They knew something was wrong and I explained that Jasen had broken up with me and I was sad. I said I just wanted to rest in my room, and they left me alone for the rest of the night.

At around midnight, I snuck out of my window and crawled across the certain branch of the tree between our windows. His bed was directly underneath the window, as was mine, laid there perfectly for sneaking in or out. I heard the muffled voices of his parents, talking down the hall through his open window. Corey was sitting cross legged on the bed on the other side, hands outstretched towards me.

I took his hands and brought my head and stepped one foot inside onto the bed. I was almost in. Nearly all of me was inside, except for one leg. That foot caught on a branch. I tripped and the rest of me fell inside the window. He broke my fall and we both landed on the bed. He oofed and I bit my lip, urging the startled yell to go back down. My head was pressed against his chest.

Everything was quiet for a moment, except the rapid beating of his heart. Until his mom yelled, “Corey? What is going on in there?” a moment later.

He responded with “Nothing, mom. Um, something just… fell… on my bed. That’s all!” Pause.

“Okay, well get to sleep soon!” she said. Pause.

“Yes, mom.” I heard his parents start talking again. Other than their muffled voices, it was quiet; just the rhythmic thudding of his heart. I didn’t realize his hands were still holding mine until he let go of my hands, readjusting to rest them on my hips, instead. I also shifted. I moved my hands up and gripped his shoulders.

“That was close.” I whispered.

“Yeah.” He whispered back.

We just lay there, still, until we heard the voices stop. He was so warm, so comfortable. I inhaled a relaxed breath, just relishing the moment.

A bit later, I heard the light snoring of his father. We must have laid there for a long time, holding each other. I kept thinking about how happy I was that he was here. That I was with him, in his arms. I removed my head from his chest, pushed myself up a bit, palms resting on the bed, and looked at his face. His disheveled golden locks, his perfect green eyes, his full lips. His hands tensed at my hips.

And then, I knew what we were both thinking, somehow.

Kiss.

At that moment, all that mattered was us; that I loved him. I realized that I loved this boy. I didn’t just like him… I loved him. I loved him so much. He had been there for me for as long as I can remember. I hoped that he loved me too.

At that moment, something changed between us. It’s almost as if he acknowledged the physical attraction between us, or even that we were just meant to be together.

I was so scared to kiss him... but I did. Or, he did. I don’t know who initiated it. But it happened.

I was kissing Corey Bolender. Or rather, Corey Bolender was kissing me. At first, it was an innocent gentle touch of the lips, but it progressed into so much more very quickly. I ran my hands through his long blonde hair. His hands were on tightly gripping my waist. I shifted again so that my knees were around his stomach, and his hands went to the hem of my t shirt and a few fingers slipped underneath, touching the bare skin of my lower back.

All that I had wanted to happen with him was happening. I had waited for so long and it was finally happening. All my pent up emotions toward him were released in the kiss. I stroked his jaw, it was smooth shaven.

We took a breath, broke apart, our foreheads resting together. He looked in my eyes and I looked in his. The moonlight lit up his beautiful green eyes in the darkness. We were both breathing really heavy, my hand still resting on his jaw.

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. He playfully smirked back and rolled me over. I was on my back, and he was on top of me this time, straddling my hips, his hands resting on my ribcage. His long blonde hair was falling all around us, shielding us from the rest of the world.

First Corey kissed me gently, so gently. Like I was a fragile gift. He touched his fingertips to my face and my hands were on his back and his shoulders and a few fingers went under his t shirt and on his defined abdominal muscles and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He wrapped his arms around me and slid his hands under my shirt, his hands wandering around my back. As he kissed down my neck, I gasped, my back arching, pressing our chests together. He pulled the neck of my t shirt down to kiss my collar bone, running his hot tongue across my skin. He then nipped at my skin and I gasped. He sucked at my skin, creating a love bite. I was his, now. He marked me as his.

He flipped us over again and I straddled his waist while went back to kissing my lips. Our lips only broke so that he could lift my shirt over my head. His hands made their way up my body. He went under my bra and squeezed my breasts, in his hands. I made some sort of noise, and then his mouth captured my own again.

I softly sucked his upper lip as he tenderly bit my bottom lip, running his teeth off it slowly. I disconnected our mouths yet again so that I could remove his shirt. He sat up a bit and moved his feet up so that his knees could support my back. He rested his hands at the small of my back, and every now and then a hand wandered to cup my face or touch my breasts or tug at my hair. He kissed around my neck and I kissed around his.

God, we kissed for such a long time. The feeling of euphoria that kissing him made me feel… So this is what it was like to kiss the one you loved. I wanted to stay here in this moment, forever.

I wondered if he kissed the Bitch like this, with all of this passion and intensity.

Holy fucking shit… the Bitch.

Tiffany…

TIFFANY…

No… No. NO. This is can’t happen. Corey has a girlfriend. Corey is dating the Bitch! How could I forget such a significant detail?! A pretty brunette whose beauty exceeds my own… Great.

Why couldn’t I go through with this? This boy that I love… she doesn’t fucking deserve him. I do! I knew I had to do the right thing though. What kind of person would that make him, make me, make us… if this continued any further than it already has gone. I reluctantly put my palms on his chest and pushed myself away from him. I turned my head away so that he kissed my cheek when his lips hungrily made their way towards mine. He made some sort of disappointed groan. I said,

“Tiffany.” Sad.

“What?” Uncertainty.

“Tiffany.” Emphasis.

“Who?” Confusion.

“Your girlfriend?!” Exasperation.

“Oh, God.” Realization.

We just looked at each other for a moment; I’m still on top of him, our bodies so close. His hands are still caressing me.

“Uh…” Pant.

“Um…” Huff.

“Well, let’s just not tell her?” I suggest, one tear escaping my eye.

“Yeah.” He says. Stares and kisses away the tear.

“Uh…”

“Um…”

“Well, yeah...”

“Uh-huh...” he grabs my waist and sets me next to him. More tears pricked my eyes, threatening to spill over. He lies on his back, hands behind his head. My arms are straight at my sides. The silence was so loud. It wasn’t awkward, like one might think it would be, just… sad, disappointed. The only sound was that of my heart breaking into so many tiny pieces.

Corey was supposed to be mine. NOT hers.

I rolled over on my side to face him. Even if I can’t have him, I can still look at and admire his beautiful face. He rolls to his side and faces me too. I lay my hand out, waiting for him to grab mine. He does, and we just look at each other, fingers intertwined. We stay there for a while, just looking at each other, brown eyes staring into green eyes, our fingers laced together. The next thing I know, my eyes are closing and I see blackness.

Then, I’m awake and I feel his presence behind me. His arms are wrapped loosely around my ribcage. My back is pressing against his chest, our legs tangled together. I could hear his steady breathing and feel the warmth of his breath behind me on my bare shoulder. Oh, right. We both still didn’t have shirts on…

I wanted to spoon like that forever. I also wanted him to know how I felt, but I didn’t want to ruin his relationship with Tiffany. He obviously liked her, a lot. I hoped to God he didn’t love her. I decided, in my sleep induced stupor, to tell him how I really, truly felt.

“I love you, Corey.” I whispered into the night, not expecting a response, and being so astounded when I heard one.

“I love you, Meili.” He whispered back, groggily. He rolled onto his back, pulling me with him. My leg wrapped around his hip, I held onto his torso, and my head was on his chest. I felt his solid chest moving up and down below my cheek with each breath he took.

I didn’t know which kind of love he meant. I think he misinterpreted, being half asleep. I think he took it as friend/sibling love. But I meant it as so much more than that... I drifted back to sleep.

When I woke up, we were still cuddling. He was already awake. One of his hands was playing with strands of my hair. He whispered,

“Good morning.”

“Hello.” I whisper back, smiling.

“I think I’m going to break up with Tiffany.” He said, suddenly, into my hair.

“What?!” I was so surprised. “Why?”

“Well… it’s something I have to do.” He says, simply. Vaguely.

“Oh… Okay.” Does this mean that I have a chance with him? Maybe? Possibly?

We lay there, like that for a little while, basking in the silence. It was so great, just being with him, in the one I loved’s arms.

But then, I left a few hours later, back to my life. We didn’t talk about that night again. We both didn’t want to bring it up. He ended up staying with the Bitch for a few more days before breaking up with her.

The day he broke up with her, I remember perfectly. We were all hanging out at his house. I don’t why I even bothered to hang out with them. I always felt like a third wheel, even though Corey prevented them from being really coupley when I was around. I mean, God. I knew what they did when I wasn't around, so... He said he wanted me there with them, but I always felt so awkward. He had gone to go get a deck of cards, which left Tiffany and I alone in the room.

“Ugh, I don’t even know why you bother to hang out with us.” She says.

Stupid bitch.

“Neither do I.” I say, rolling my eyes. She giggles an evil, hyena sounding giggle.

“God. I know you’re in love with him. Everyone knows. It’s just… amusing. The way you hang around when he, well, we clearly want you gone.” She stands up, looking down at me. Tears prickle my eyes. I know she’s lying, but it just hurts, getting picked on like that.

You bitch. You stupid, fucking bitch...

“I’m not in love with Corey in the way that you are referring to. He’s been my best friend for so long… you wouldn’t understand our relationship.” I’m so obviously lying. I love him… so much. “Why are you trying to start shit?” I stand up as well, annoyed. She might be taller than me, but I get right in her face.

“Oh, because I know he has feelings for you." What?! "God, I can’t believe I’m even tellling you that he fucking loves you.” she almost looks vulnerable, like a wall was broken when she said that. But then she’s back to her annoying self. “But you wait; he will love me. You’ll see.” She says, jabbing a French manicured finger in my face. Lame.

“Whatever Tiffany. You’re fucking crazy.” I reply, smiling and shaking my head. I saw him, so I sat back down. I smile, muttering under my breath, “Conniving bitch.”

“Tiffany…” Corey says from the doorway. He’s leaning against it, shuffling the cards in his hands.

The Bitch’s mouth is agape, her eyes wide with shock.

“I-I… um, hey there babe.” She stammers. “How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough to hear the whole damn conversation. Just get out of my house. We are over.” He shrugs, but his voice firm. The Bitch shoots us both dirty looks and then stomps out of the house.

“Thank you.” I say, exhausted from her threats. I didn’t know what to do. I lean my head back.

“Of course. No one treats my Meili like that. I had a feeling she was being mean to you, or something. That's why I asked you about it that one time. That's also why I wanted to break up with her.” He comes over and hugs me.

Then, there was the rest of junior year. Corey and I kept on being what we were: just best friends. That night changed us, but not drastic changes, just small changes. For example, we would sleep together a lot. Not sex, by any means, just literally sleep together. We'd spoon at night. We were just at a greater level of intimacy.

Another weird thing is that we would say we loved each other, but I’m sure he meant friend-love. He was just a really oblivious person. There were endless possibilities, and he didn’t even see. It was almost as if I was his girlfriend... but we didn't share another kiss. We came close sometimes, but something would always stop us. We just never did again.

Then, it was a weekend in December when it happened. December 30th, a Saturday, to be exact. I was going to talk to him that night, about us. To sort out these feelings inside me.

We were laying on his bed and talking. But then he had left to go the grocery store around midnight to get some snacks for another one of our sleepovers. On his way back, a drunk driver was driving on the wrong side of the road and hit the front of Corey’s car, head on. He died on impact.

The New Year was just two days away. I had missed my chance to tell him.

I cried for a long time. I knew he loved me as a friend, but I would never know if he loved me the way that I loved him. I didn’t do anything for days, just sat in my room, looking at any pictures I could find of us. I looked through yearbooks, old photo albums, facebook, anything. And I cried the whole time. I was surprised to know one could shed so many tears. I finally was going to talk about our relationship that night he died; I was going to ask him to junior prom.

I had great expectations. It was going to be a great night, a great future. Maybe we would end up together, like our parents used to say. Even with those three beautiful kids and that dog, even. But no, opportunity crushed. He died, and I could never find out how he truly felt.

Corey Bolender, my brother growing up, my best friend in high school, my first love. Whether he felt the same way, I would never know. He died. And there was nothing I could do to change that.

That’s why I take chances now. I don’t think much about the outcome. I take life as it comes to me. I don’t want to miss another opportunity ever again. I have the fear of missing out. Corey Bolender was my everything, and the endless possibilities had slipped away from me. I don’t ever want to miss another chance ever again, like I had missed with Corey.

You only live once, after all.