An Insomniac's Summer

I woke up screaming. The same nightmare that has plagued me ever since Corey’s death, it’s the same every night. I haven’t had this nightmare in a long time, but since I went to sleep thinking about him, that must have triggered it.

Corey is in the driver’s seat. I’m in the car with him, in the passenger seat. Our favourite song was playing: Two of Us by the Beatles. We were singing along to it, just driving along. We were happy. At the end of the chorus, I told him I loved him.

He said something, I saw his lips moving but couldn’t hear what he said. Then, that car hit us. On impact, I heard the words that he had said.

“I love you.”

And then the delayed sounds of glass breaking and metal crunching. Then, we were both out of the car. It was weird, like a third person observer looking at us, yet it was through my eyes at the same time. I don’t really understand it.

We were lying next to each other in a serene meadow. We were looking at each other, his lifeless green eyes staring at me. I saw that he was all bloody, shards of glass protruding from his heart.

My heart was cut out; there was a hole in my chest where my heart should be. My beating heart was in his hand. He held it out to me, as if he was giving back. I saw him mouth the words “I love you”, though no sound came out. I screamed in my dream.

That’s when I always woke up, screaming, sometimes crying, even. Of course, it wasn’t real, only a nightmare. But it still felt so real. I always haven’t been able to sleep much, but Corey’s death only made it so much worse.

I groggily looked over at my clock. 11:42 A.M. I had a few hours to kill before work. I hopped out of bed and went to look for something to eat

I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. There’s an apple, orange, a cluster of grapes, and not much else other than a bottle of ketchup and a jar of mayonnaise. I’ll go grocery shopping before work.

I cut up the apple and orange into pieces for fruit salad. I toss the grapes and bits of orange and apple into a bowl. It’s not bad, but I’d rather have something with more substance. I’ll be hungry in less than an hour.

After I eat, I get dressed into a pair of shorts and my favorite hoodie. The shorts barely go past the hem of the hoodie. This is one of the things I kept from Corey. When he died, his parents had let me go through his belongings and take whatever I wanted.

“We know how close you were to him” his mom had said, tears in her eyes. I took some t shirts and hoodies of his, only his favorite clothing items. It made me feel closer to him. I had taken two hoodies, a sweater, a few flannels, and some t shirts. One hoodie was black with fuzzy wool on the inside. It was the warmer one. The other was a striped blue hoodie. It was lighter and worn because he wore it a lot. That’s the one I was wearing now.

I also took his favourite black sweater, his black octopus shirt, his upside down tree shirt, his favourite Beatles shirt, and a few other band shirts. That’s all that I had left of my best friend. The last thing I had taken from his belongings was a leather necklace with a green leaf pendant. I never take that off.

Shaking my head out of the memories, I snatch the keys to Kyle off the counter and grab some money. I lock the door behind me and get into my blue pickup truck. His name is Kyle. I feel much safer in a bigger vehicle than I do in a small car. I start him up and head to the nearest grocery store.

First, I get the basics: Ramen, Macaroni and Cheese, and pasta. I love noodles. They’re easy to make, and relatively cheap. I’ve never been much of a cook, except for the stir-fry my parents taught me how to make. I get some vegetables for the stir-fry: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, garlic, green beans and onions. I pick up some soy sauce for flavour. I also pick up some veggie burgers. Eh, I’ll get some Lucky Charms for breakfast. Lastly, I grab a bag of oranges and some bananas. Now, for the beverages, I retrieve some more coffee grounds, and some more tea bags for iced tea.

I pay the cashier and put the groceries in Kyle’s tailgate. I shut him up and drive home. I unload the groceries and make a cup of coffee, humming a tune to myself.

I sit down and look at the clock. It’s only 12:30? I have two hours until work starts. I dump my freshly made coffee into a mug and walk over to the bookstore. I look around and pick up a few books. I sit on the comfy couch in the reading area the bookstore has, and begin to read. I’ve always loved spending my day at the bookstore. Of course, Corey would be there by my side, us reading our books together. I start a new book and try to read as best I can.

I saw you pour the sugar in, hair falling over your eyes as you bent your head. You smiled as you noticed me looking. I wonder if that was when it happened. Were you smiling as you did it?

I’ve must have read that one line at least ten times already. My thoughts are preoccupied with Corey. I’m definitely over him, there’s no use moping and being tortured by the land of “If only”, but I can’t forget him. Those memories, a piece of my heart went with him in his grave.

Sometimes, I just get these days where I can’t stop thinking about him. I just wish I could have told him how much I loved him before he died.

Suddenly, my thoughts drift to Jude. I remember his easygoing smile, those beautiful tattoos, and his intense blue eyes. The way he was so kind to me, driving me home. I most definitely like him, but…

What? No way, that is not Jude over there, his back is to me, so I can’t see if it’s him or not. Oh, God. It is him! He turns, slightly, almost looking at me. I raise the book over my face.

Were you smiling as you did it?

I read that line a few more times, and peek over the top of Stolen. I’m about to get up, so I can say hello. But then, I see a girl run over to Jude, beating me to it. She’s tall, thin, pale, and blonde. Oh my god, she could be Corey’s twin sister... She’s beautiful. She’s wearing really short black jean shorts that show off her long legs and flowing pale pink top. Not to mention heels, which make her seem even taller. She’s just a few inches shorter than Jude. She must be at 5’9 at the most, with those heels.

I see her lean in to… Oh. My. God. Kiss him. I flee the bookstore, leaving the books on the couch, before I can see anymore, and before they see me staring. I already feel like a freak, but if they saw me looking, there’s no way I’d be able to talk to Jude again!

Of course, a gorgeous guy like Jude has a girlfriend. Of course. What was I thinking? Me, even having a chance with someone like him… I run all the way back to my house. I’m gasping for breath, from running, and the tears threatening my eyes.

No, I decide. I will not cry over a guy I barely know. I will not. I sigh and glance at the clock. 2:13. I have to be at work by three, so I might as well get there. I should change first, though.

I rifle through my closet and produce a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and my favorite Pink Floyd t shirt. The shirt is black has two black and white fish on it “swimming in a fish bowl”, and the band member’s faces below, also in black and white. Wish You Were Here is written below the fish in loopy print like a ripple. It’s one of my favorite songs.

I hop into Kyle and drive to Back on the Rack, the secondhand clothing store where I work. It’s an amazing place. You can find anything and everything here. From a zebra print jacket, to old band t shirts, to funky skirts, to prom dresses, you can find it all here. I found this store when my family and I were looking around the city before I moved here. They were desperate for help and said that I could start right away.

My shift starts at three and ends at closing, which is nine o’clock. As I help customers, ring up merchandise, or put clothing “back on the racks”, I can’t help but think of Jude and that blonde girl. But then, I remember. We’re meeting at Flo’s tonight.

Well, there’s no harm in being friends with the guy, right? I mean, he’s my only friend so far, and I don’t want to lose him just because he has a girlfriend.