Dying to Say This to You, Zak Bagans

“I will wait for this moment when our lips collide,
And almost stop the earth. You're in my arms tonight.

“So I've come to complicate the dead. Are you with me?
I've written out all my vows again.
we're almost home to see the silence break on new years eve.
We're only seventeen.

“If love exists, I will fall.

“I will wait for this moment when our lips collide,
And almost stop the earth. You're in my arms tonight.

“Just one more kiss to soothe the pain exists,
In a world of lies. Misery take my shame alive.
When everything fails a violent death, the smile you gave.
Visit me in hell tonight, and say:

"If love exists, I will fall.

“I will wait for this moment when our lips collide,
And almost stop the earth. You're in my arms tonight.

“I will wait for this moment when our lips collide,
And almost stop the earth. You're in my arms tonight.

“So I'm alive in love. (I'm alive in love.)

“I feel so alive. (I feel so alive.)
I feel so alive tonight. (So alive tonight.)

“So alive.
I feel so alive.
I feel so alive tonight.
I feel so alive.
I feel so alive, I feel so alive, you can't stop this feeling.

“If love exists, I will fall.

“I will wait for this moment when our lips collide,
And almost stop the earth. You're in my arms tonight.”

I sang my own rendition of the Aiden lyrics loudly as I organized a bouquet of sunflowers, roses, and lavender.

It was a hot day in July and the hum of the air conditioner filled the empty desert morning silence. I finished the bouquet of flowers I was working on by sticking a clear card holder down the front of it and slipped the handwritten card on it. A man had came by yesterday, anxious and excited because his wife was being induced into labor today. He had requested a reasonably expensive bouquet of flowers to be prepared for her and wrote a quick, but nevertheless sweet, love note and replied that he would be back at 3p.m. to pick them up.

I jumped with I heard the bell over the front door ding, signaling someone’s entrance.

Without looking up, I spoke. “We’re closed. We don’t open for another hour.”

“Oh come on, Jeanna. You can’t talk to me?”

I turned around at the familiar voice and smiled. “Hey, Nick. What’s up?”

“I came by early to see if you could do me a favor…” his sentence trailed off, hinting at me that he wanted a service.

I rolled my eyes. “What kind do you want?”

Nick grinned, knowing he won. “I was thinking maybe some orchids…that’s what they’re called right?”

“Well…if I had an idea of what you’re talking about, I could give you a yes or no answer…”

Nick sighed, unable to describe the flower he wanted and looked around the shop. “Like these!” He pointed to a beautifully opened cymbidium orchid.

“Yes, Nick, that’s an orchid.” I laughed.

“So yeah. Do you think Jess will like them?”

Nick always was a sweet guy. It almost made me envious that Jessica had found such a sweet, loving person to call hers.

Smiling, I replied, “She’ll love them. She’d have to be crazy not to love them.”

Nick laughed and leaned against the counter. “Then could you pretty please make a bouquet of orchids for me? And maybe add in a few roses?”

I nodded. “When would you like them?”

“Well, would it be okay if I came back around five?”

“Sure. I’ll have to make sure Vi knows to let you in since we close around 4:30.”

“Thanks, Jeanna. You’re the best.”

I grinned. “I know.”

“Okay, conceited,” Nick laughed. “Anyways, we’re having a barbeque tonight. You feel like coming?”

“Yeah. I could really use some chill out time with everyone. Who all is coming?”

“Uh…Aaron, Zak, Billy, Maja, you…. And that’s about it. It’s nothing big or fancy, just hanging out.”

I smiled. “That sounds like a lot of fun. What time?”

“Seven o’clock. Oh, and wear your bathing suit because we’re definitely getting in the pool…just nothing too showy since Zak’s going to be there.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Nick was like my older brother, always trying to protect me. “Nick. I’m 25 years old. I’ll be fine. And, besides, Zak doesn’t like me, so that comment is invalid.”

“Whatever you say, Jeanna,” Nick said, holding his hands up.

I looked at my watch and walked towards the door to flip the closed sign over to open.

“Are you that ready for me to leave?” Nick questioned, raising his eyebrows at me.

I laughed. “No, it’s just if I want to have my customers come in and pick up all these flowers, I have to flip the sign.”

“I need to go anyways. I’m already a little late for work, Zak and Aaron will just have to get their asses over it. I’ll see you at five, okay?”

I nodded and gave him a hug bye. “Be careful on your way to work and don’t die from heat exhaustion,” I said, motioning to his black hoodie.

Nick grinned. “I will, and about the heat, I won’t.”

I waved as he turned around and walked out the door. Then I sighed. Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

The day passed by slowly. I was really excited about Nick’s barbeque because it had been weeks since I had hung out with Jessica and the guys. I had been so swamped at work that I hadn’t time for anything else. There was also another reason that kept hitting me in the back of my mind: Zak was going to be there.

Nick and I had been friends since grade school back east before he moved to Vegas. A few years went by before he started pleading for me to move to Nevada with him. He that business for me would be better in Nevada. I decided to take him up on his offer because business in New England wasn’t really the best in the world. Almost against my will, I moved in with Nick and his wife Jessica for a few weeks until I could find a shop and an apartment. While I lived with them, Jessica and I became really great friends. He didn’t really have any friends come over, so I assumed he didn’t have any friends. Then one night Nick threw a barbeque and that was when he introduced me to Aaron and Zak.

My phone buzzed on the counter, causing me to jump of my reminiscence. I looked at who it was from.

Maja:

Do you have plans for tomorrow?

I quickly typed “no” and hit reply, curious as to what Maja had planned.

I had met Maja one night out with Aaron and Zak playing poker on the strip. She was a bartender at a bar in Henderson called L’hiver Estrellas AKA Winter Stars. I had asked her once about why she had combined the French word for winter and the Spanish word for Stars and she replied simply, “When I was growing up, I spoke French for my mother and Spanish for my father. The glorious wonder of growing up bi-racial.”

My phone buzzed again and I instantly picked it up, reading the response.

Maja:

Feel like going into Vegas for a little poker?

Me:

Sure, you feeling lucky?

Maja:

Haha. I could beat your ass any day :P

Me:

Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever. Lol. Well I’m about to start closing up, I’ll ttyl.

I shoved my phone into the back pocket of my blue jeans and tucked a strand of red hair behind my ear.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jeanna.”

“Okay, bye, Vi,” I said, turning around to smile at my co-worker.

When I moved to Henderson and opened my floral shop, I decided that I didn’t want to employ that many people. Because of that decision, I struggled to find people to work who had all the necessary skills that I required. After a few months of hiring and letting go, I found Violet, who seemed to pick up all the slack. Vi and I worked well as a team, so well in fact that I neglected to hire anyone else. That was probably the smartest decision I had ever made…the revenue kept piling in and there were only three ways to split it: business expenses, Vi, and me.

I walked over to the front door and turned the open sign to where it read closed through the door and looked at my watch. It was 4:45. Nick should be here in a few minutes. I had spent a lot of my time today working on the orchid bouquet that Nick had ordered for Jessica. I fixed the arrangement of pruned orange roses and purple cymbidium orchids and cut the stems at a 45 degree angle so when Jessica placed them in a vase, the flowers could soak up at much water as possible. In the midst of the roses and orchids, I placed some burgundy filler flowers to close up any gaps. I had to admit, it was one of my most beautiful arrangements. I smiled, knowing that Jessica would be ecstatic to receive them ( http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/CRYINGxTEARSxOFxBLOOD/ds.jpg ).

As if on cue to my finishing the final details of the bouquet, the bell over the front door dinged and Nick walked in.

“Hey, Nick. I’m just now finishing it,” I said, turning around to face him, but keeping the bouquet hidden behind my back.

“I know it’s got to look wonderful,” he replied smiling. “Where is it?”

Nick’s attention turned to the refrigerator where I usually stored orders until the customer came to pick them up.

“I have it right here,” I said, taking it off the counter and handing it over to him gingerly.

“Oh wow, Jeanna, this looks amazing!” he exclaimed, giving me a brotherly hug.

I smiled. “I’m pretty damn sure that Jessica’s going to love it. I decided on orange roses, since that’s her favorite color…right?”

Nick nodded. “Thank God my wife and I happen to share the same best friend.”

I smiled. “Yeah, so I can bail you out every time you screw up, or help you out when you’re trying to be sweet.”

Nick laughed. “What do I owe you?”

“For you, my good sir, I’ll take 25 dollars.”

Nick’s eyebrows raised. “I’m not taking a discount. Here’s a 50.”

I frowned and took Nick’s money, knowing that if I were to argue with him he’d shove it in my cash register and refuse to talk to me.

“I’ll see you at seven, Jeanna,” Nick said, turning around to walk out the door with the bouquet in tow.

“See ya.” I smiled and waved before turning to the cash register and locking it up for the night.

I was all alone now to close up the shop, which made me a little nervous. Back in New England, I had witness a convenience store robbery and now, even though my florist shop was nothing like a convenience store, it made me nervous closing, especially being this close to Vegas.

The nervousness of being alone faded as I walked to my black Honda Civic and hit the unlock button on my car key. The inside of the car was extremely hot despite my windshield cover that was supposed to keep the majority of heat out.

“SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!” I screamed as I burned my hand on my seatbelt buckle.

I lifted my hand to my eyes to examine the slight burn across my fingers before shoving the key in the ignition and cranking up the air conditioning. The radio automatically turned on and blasted “So Far Away” by Avenged Sevenfold. I quickly popped in the CD Danger Days by My Chemical Romance. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Avenged Sevenfold, it was just that the words of the song made me too emotional to drive, especially after losing Beau and Joel.

Upon my return home, my little black and white Australian shepherd puppy, Kung Fu, greeted me happily at the door whining. I smiled and picked him up.

“Did you miss Mommy?”

Kung Fu wagged his stub of a tail and licked my face.

“I love you,” I said, kissing the top of his head.

A stray tear fell from my eye as I let Kung Fu out the back sliding door into the fenced in back yard to used the bathroom. My breathing became raged as I fought back the urge to cry. I opened the sliding door for the puppy to come back in, happy as ever. I wiped my face again as I picked him up and carried him upstairs with me to get ready for Nick’s barbeque.

* * *

At 6:30 I pulled into Nick’s driveway, parking behind his car in the garage. I checked my mascara and eyeliner in the mirror before climbing out of the car with my bag of clothes to change into in tow. I was wearing black washed jean shorts and a turquoise shirt over a black frilly bikini(http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=34228791). I ran my fingers through my hair as I walked up the stone walkway to the front door. Because Nick’s house was like my second home and I was there almost all the time, I used my sign by ringing the door bell twice before walking in and going to the living room.

“JEANNA!” I heard Jessica squeal from the kitchen.

I smiled and made my way towards the kitchen, noticing that she had taken the bouquet I had made and put it in a vase on the dining room table.

“Jessica!”

Jessica turned around from cutting tomato and hugged me. “I haven’t seen you in weeks! Where’ve you been?”

I sighed. “Surprisingly, I’ve been extremely busy at work.”

Jessica smiled. “Thank you for my flowers. I love them!”

I smiled. “Don’t thank me, you should thank that amazing hubby of yours.”

She grinned. “I know, but I know that the flowers wouldn’t have been anywhere near as amazing as they are if Nick had gone and gotten them somewhere else.”

I laughed. “Thanks, I guess. I’m really glad you like them. Speaking of Nick, where is he?”

“He’s outside with the grill trying to get it started.”

“What do you need me to do?” I asked, washing my hands in the sink and grabbing a paper towel.

“Please, Jeanna, you’re a guest. You don’t have to help me do anything.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Jess, don’t be ridiculous. Why do you think I’m here early?”

She smiled and handed me a cutting board and a few onions. “Cut these up for me? I’ve already gotten the tomatoes and lettuce, all I need is for you to cut the onions while I mix the dip.”

“Are you even dressed?” I asked, peeling the outer layer of onion off and assessing her pajama shorts and tank top.

“No, but I’ll be okay. I can get dressed quickly.”

“Jess, you go get dressed. Surely I can cut onions and make dip in time for you to get dressed.”

Jessica smiled before taking off upstairs. “Thanks, Jeanna.”

I turned my attention back to cutting the onions, careful not to chop my fingers off. A minute later, I rummaged through the refrigerator and pulled out the sour cream. Then I took the dip mix out of the spice cabinet and began stirring it in.

Jess returned a few seconds after I had finished mixing the dip and put it into a plastic serving dish. Nick came into the kitchen via the sliding glass door and announced the arrival of Aaron and Billy. He helped Jess and I move the dip, bags of chips, and sliced vegetables to the table set up outside.

“Hey guys!” I said, causing Billy and Aaron to look up from their conversation.

“Hey, Jeanna. How’s it been? Where have you been hiding? I haven’t seen you in weeks!” Aaron exclaimed, jumping up to give me a huge bear hug.

I laughed. “I’ve been busy at a little place called work. Sound familiar to you?”

“Hey now, I do work. I’m just in more of a laid back position than you are.”

Smiling, I turned to Billy. “What about you? How’ve you been?”

“Just dandy,” he replied with a smile. “I have a few mixes that I brought for you. They’re in the car, so don’t let me forget okay?”

I nodded and followed Jess back into the house.

“Can you give me a hand with the ice chest?” she asked, pointing to a huge blue cooler.

I nodded. “On the count of three, ready? One…two…three.”

Miraculously, Jessica and I were able to lift the chest and slowly walk it outside to the table.

“Now that everything’s out and ready, you wanna beer?” she asked, opening the ice chest and pulling out two brown bottles.

I took one from her and popped the top, taking a small sip.

“Where’s what’s-his-face?” I asked, reluctant to say his name.

“You mean me?”

I jumped and turned around at the voice coming from two feet behind me.

“H-hey, Zak,” I stuttered. He looked amazing. I had never seen Zak in shorts and flip-flops before and he took my breath

away(http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=34229186).

“Hey, Jeanna,” he said, engulfing me in a hug. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah, I know… It seems to be that way with everyone.”

“I’ve got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine…” Jessica’s phone began to ring and she fished it out of her shorts pocket.

“What kind of ringtone is that?” I questioned her, raising an eyebrow. She was never a girl for Natasha Beddingfield.

Jess just smiled before putting the phone to her ear. “Hello? … Okay, we’re out back, so you can just walk around...Okay…Bye.”

“Maja?” Nick asked coming over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. He kissed her cheek and I turned away, feeling a strong wave of emotion come over me.

“Yeah. She said she was ringing the doorbell and no one answered.”

Nick laughed.

“Maja!” I yelled as the petite girl walked across the backyard to join us.

“Hey everybody. Sorry I’m late.”

I felt Zak’s eyes on me and my face grew hot.

“Well the burgers are done, so let’s go ahead and eat,” Nick said, taking the burgers off the grill and putting them onto a plate.

* * *

After we ate, we all started stripping down to our swim suits and jumped into the water…except me. I was a little reluctant to get my hair wet.

“Awe, come on, Jeanna. Just jump in. Your hair doesn’t matter!” Billy yelled from the deeper end of the in ground pool.

I pulled my red curls up into a pony tail before standing with my arms crossed, doubting the water. Before I knew it a pair of strong arms enveloped me…Zak.

“Zachary Bagans! Put me down! I--” my screaming was cut off and Zak jumped with me in his arms into the deep pool water.

When we surfaced I was gasping for air. Zak was laughing hysterically.

“Fuck. You. In. The. Ass. With. A. Prickly. Pear,” I coughed out.

“Oh, Jeanna, come on. You know you love me,” he replied, kissing the side of my head.

I pushed him away, glaring, when really I felt like I was going to drown from all the butterflies in my stomach.

I swam my way back over to Maja who was engaged in a conversation with Aaron about Tron. I rolled my eyes, such dorks.

“So when is your guys’ next lockdown?” I questioned, changing the subject to something I was familiar with.

“In…about a week I think,” Aaron replied. “I’m really stoked about it.”

I smiled. “Where are you going?”

“We can’t tell you!” Zak said, butting in on the conversation.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Who am I going to tell?”

“Everyone on your Twitter!”

“Am not!”

“Still not telling you.”

I humpfed and crossed my arms over my chest. I felt Zak’s eyes on me again. This time I confronted it. “What’s so fascinating?”

Zak cleared his throat and looked away. “Nothing.”

“Uh-huh…”

We had a lot of fun swimming around in the pool and talking until it started to get dark and everyone needed to go home. Now, everyone had left except for Zak and me and we were helping Nick and Jess clean up.

“I guess I know who my real friends are,” Nick laughed, tying off a garbage bag. “The only ones who stayed to help.”

I laughed at him. “You know, we could leave…”

He rolled his eyes at me and walked to the garbage can sitting at the side of the garage.

Zak closed the grill and rolled it under the roof on the deck while Jess and I brought in the leftovers and dirty dishes.

Once we were out of earshot of the boys, she spoke.

“You know, I’m pretty sure that Zak was checking you out earlier.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Don’t be ridiculous. I haven’t thought about anybody since…” My voice trailed off as it started to crack and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

“Shhh,” Jessica cooed, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought I’d make conversation.”

Jessica was the only person besides Nick who knew about my past. They were the only two people in the work I trusted. I wiped a few tears from my cheeks.

“I have no idea what you went through, what you’re going through, but I can imagine how hard it would be.”

I sniffled and grabbed a paper towel, blotting my mascara before wiping it off altogether. “It’s just I feel like I’m failing them if I think about anyone else,” I replied after a while.

“You know, Jeanna, I think Beau and Joel would want you to move on, to be happy with your life, find someone to be happy with…”

I thought about what Jess was saying. Maybe she was right. But how do I know? Maybe I should just wing it. Both her and Nick say that Zak likes me, but should I pursue him?

Just then the boys came through the sliding glass door and I jumped to the sink and cut it on to hide the fact that I had been crying.

“I think that about does it,” Nick said, bringing in a few stray beer bottles.

“I’m going to head on home then,” I said, cutting off the water and drying my hands on a paper towel. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Okay, bye. We love you,” Jessica said, hugging me tightly, knowing just how much I needed a hug.

I gave Nick a quick hug before walking out the door to my car. I opened the driver’s door, noticing that Zak had blocked me in with his Jeep. Great.

“You not going to give me a hug?”

I jumped at the sound of his voice in my ear.

“What do you want Zak?”

“A hug.”

“After you tossed me into the pool? I think not.”

“Really, Jeanna, that was just a joke. I didn’t mean to make you mad.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Well if you’re not going to give me a hug, then I’ll give you one anyways,” he said, wrapping me in his strong arms. I stiffened in his grip, unsure of myself and the situation.

I heard Zak inhale deeply by my ear, almost as if he was smelling my hair.

“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to push him away.

“You’ve been drinking tonight, can I take you home?”

I thought about it for a moment. I was a little buzzed. Maybe against my better judgment, I handed him my keys. Zak meticulously backed my car out of Nick’s driveway without hitting his Jeep and took the route to my apartment in Henderson. The drive was silent except for the sound of passing cars.

Finally, Zak pulled up to my apartment complex and parked the car. He walked me to my apartment.

“You know what I just thought of,” I said, as Zak unlocked my door.

“Hmm?”
“How are you going to get back to Nick’s to get your car?”

Zak raised his eyebrows. “You know, I didn’t think of that…”

“You wanna crash here for the night?”

“Can I?”

I nodded and turned the now unlocked door knob.

“You can have the guest bedroom.” What should be Joel’s room, I thought to myself.

Zak nodded and followed me up the stairs.

“I’m sorry I’m not much more company, but I’m tired,” I said, turning around and showing Zak the guest bedroom. “Good night.”

Zak caught my hand as I turned around to my bedroom door and pulled me close to him. He put his other hand against my cheek and slowly brought his lips to mine in a soft, sweet kiss. I stiffened and pulled back quickly. I wasn’t prepared for that.

“I-I’m sorry. I don’t k-know what came over m-me,” he apologized, looking down at his feet.

“Goodnight, Zak,” I said, walking into my bedroom and closing my door.

Zak’s POV

“Goodnight, Jeanna,” I replied as she closed her bedroom door.

Why did I kiss her? What’s wrong with me? You’re so stupid Zak! She’ll never like you now. You have no chance!

I cursed, closing the guest bedroom door. I kicked off my sandals and threw my t-shirt on the floor before pulling the comforter back and crawling in the bed. I laid my head back on the pillow. Why couldn’t I just tell her how I feel about her?

I was almost asleep when I heard crying coming from her the other side of the wall. Silently, I crept out of bed and pressed my ear against her bedroom door.
“I-I don’t know what to do, B-beau. He’s r-really nice and I-I think he likes m-me, but can I like him b-back? Am I betraying you? Betraying us?”

What did she mean by that?

My curiosity was peaked, but Jeanna had stopped talking and light snores were audible through the door I had my ear up against. I wish I could go in there and comfort her while she cried. But why was she crying? What happened? Who was Beau?