Only In It For A Minute

“Do you know what time your plane lands?” my mum asked.

“Around midday I think, I’ll double check and let you know,” I told her, as I held my phone to my ear. I made an effort to call her after most shows as once we loaded out, it was usually around midnight, sometimes later, meaning it was around 8am in her time and she would be just getting up.

“I’m so excited to see you, sweetheart, it’s been far too long,” she said and even through the phone I could tell she was grinning.

“I know, mum, it’s going to be nice to see everyone.”

“We’re all excited to see John again too,” she told me.

“Oh no, it’s just me coming, not John,” I corrected her quickly.

“Oh, I thought he was coming too.”

“Yeah he was, but um, he’s busy, so um, he can’t make it,” I lied.

“Well, that’s a shame, maybe next time,” she said.

“Look mum, I’ve got to go, I’ll speak to you soon.”

“OK, Tash, bye.”

“Bye mum,” I said, ending the call and breathing a sigh of relief. I walked around the corner of the building to make my way to the van.

“So that’s how you told her?” John asked, making me jump.

“OH! Jeez, you scared me,” I said. “Well, I wasn’t really sure how to explain it. My apparent boyfriend won’t talk to me, won’t come home with me and won’t come see my family with me. You tell me how I’m supposed to explain it.”

“Tash...” John began.

“No, John, we need to talk about this. ‘Tash, I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it,” I told him.

“Fine, let’s talk,” he huffed.

“HERE?!” I asked, raising my voice.

“Sure,” he said. “I mean, where else do you wanna do it, my parents house? Because I am sure they would love to hear this, you know.”

“John, why are you making this so difficult?” I sighed.

“I’m not, I mean, I’m not trying to, it’s just-I don’t know what’s going on in my head.”

“I just don’t understand,” I told him. “I mean, you more or less tell me you want space and then you do THAT on stage tonight in front of everyone, which you rarely do and now you’re acting like a total ass. What do you want from me John?”

“So I guess we are doing this now then?” he mumbled. “I want you to enjoy your life. I don’t want you to turn around in 5 years time and think you missed out on things because you were here with me. And I don’t want to feel the same. I’m not saying that you’re holding me back, believe me when I say that. I just look at some of my friends and they’ve been with their girlfriends for years and as happy as they are, they’re always like ‘oh I wished I done this’ or ‘I wish I’d done that’ and I don’t want my life to be like that. When we get married and when we have kids, I want us to be able to reminisce about our lives with happy memories about the things we did, not be full of regrets for the things we didn’t,” he said.

“Woah, hold up, marriage? Kids? How is that even coming into conversation?” I asked.

“Well, sure, I’d like to think that maybe one day...” he shrugged. “Don’t you think about things like that?"

“Well yeah, I mean every girl dreams of marrying the perfect guy and having the perfect life, but John, we’ve only known each other a year, how is that even something you’re thinking about?”

“Well, it’s not something I’m planning, I’m just talking in the future someday,” he smiled.

“So let me get this straight, you hope that one day we’d get married and have kids but you think us staying together is going to make us regret it later in life?” I asked. “Let me explain something to you, do you know how you get marriage and kids? YOU STAY TOGETHER!”

“But you also have to understand that I fucking love you, Tash. I’m not saying I want space because I don’t love you. What wrong with a break?” he asked. “I’ve never been close to anyone like I am with you. You know everything about me, my strengths, my weaknesses, my flaws and yet you’re still here. Which tells me I can’t be that bad and maybe I’m not as fucked up as I thought. Or maybe that’s thanks to you. But whatever. I could stand here and tell you a long list of things I love about you, but we could end up stood here a long time,” he laughed, roughly. “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want us to part on a bad note, because I don’t have a bad thing to say about you, but I don’t want us to get 20 or 30 years down the line and end up resenting each other for missed opportunities.”

“Can I just say something? I totally understand what you’re saying now, and if it’s what you need, I’ll go to England on my own, I’ll go for however long I can, I don’t care and if I come back and you realise you’re happier without me, then fine because that’s obviously where you are in your life right now,” I told him. “But I want you to know, I’ve already taken so many opportunities in my life, that right now, I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything. I came to America with my two best friends for a month which led to me getting to meet the guy of my dreams and falling in love with him and him falling in love with me. I graduated university which led to me getting my dream job and moving closer to you. I then got the chance travel even more thanks to my job. And besides this, I am surround by people I love and care about and would be lost without. So if you want to talk about opportunities, I’ve taken every single one I’ve been given and I have no regrets,” I continued. “But fine, if this is what YOU need, then I’ll do it. But please, if you lose me, don’t try and get me back.”

“Tash, I love you,” was all John said.

“I love you too,” I nodded. He stepped forwarded so there was no space between us and bent down and kissed my lips, wrapping his arms around my shoulders as mine snaked around his waist. As we pulled apart, I tried to keep the tears from falling, but a few escaped, which John saw and brushed away with his thumb as he cupped my face.

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” he said. “This isn’t over.”

I opened up eyes and looked up at him, which I knew immediately was a mistake. I thought back to our first kiss, it happened the first day I’d spent with him at Warped tour and there was so much passion behind it. It was the beginning of something beautiful. And it was completely different to this one. This kiss was just filled with sadness.

“Where are you going now?” he asked.

“I have a cab booked to come pick me up at 1 to take me to the airport so I can go back to Los Angeles,” I told him.

“It’s 12.50 now,” he said.

“Well, “I need to go grab my bags from the van before Halvo drives it home, so I guess this really is goodbye then?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I’ll think of you,” I said.

“Everyday,” he replied, to which I smiled as this is what we used to say to each other when ever I left America or we ended a Skype call when we were in separate countries. I was glad he remembered it.

“Goodbye John,” I said, reaching up and kissing his cheek briefly before walking away. This was the last time John and I would be together for a while and it broke my heart because I knew things would never be the same between us.