Only In It For A Minute

I had been back in Reading for two and a half weeks and so far, it was all going well. I’d spend a few days with my friends before going back to Oxford and spending sometime with my family and catching up with them for a week. I was now back in Reading and was currently staying at Lizzie and Lucy’s flat every night.

It was this far into my visit to England that John finally got in contact with me. It was 9.30pm on a Sunday night in Reading and although it was nearly October, it was still light outside as the sun was beginning to set. Lucy and Lizzie both had full time jobs now so it meant Sunday nights were spent staying usually watching movies. We were about 20 minutes into Bridesmaids when my phone started to ring and I immediately knew it was John because I’d set his own ringtone a long time ago.

I sighed as I looked at my phone and Lucy looked over to me.

“Everything alright?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s John, I better take this,” I told them, getting up from my seat and walking out of the room. “Hello?” I said as I answered the call.

“Hey Tash,” I heard his rough voice say back. “How are you?”

“I’m OK, how are you?”

“Good, thanks. I miss you,” he said.

“It’s so good to hear you say that, I miss you, too,” I told him.

“No, Tash, you don’t understand, I miss you being who you were with me, not us being apart.”

“What?”

“We’re living different lives...”

“Because you wanted this,” I told him.

“Yeah, but while I’m sat here, writing song after song about you, you’re halfway round the world getting drunk and going out partying every other night,” he said.

“It is not every other night, and how do you know that?” I asked, confused.

“Fans recognise you, Tash, you might want to remember that. And now that they know you’re my girlfriend, the band and I have been getting endless messages about you being out with your friends and all over guys.”

“I haven’t been all over guys, John, you can asked Lizzie and Lucy, I wouldn’t do that,” I explained.

“I think...I think I’ve got a decision to make,” he sighed.

“John, what the hell is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“I’m just saying that you’re in England for three weeks and already I’m questioning EVERYTHING. I don’t want to be that guy.”

“John, I went home to see my family other than that I have been here with my friends and sure we’ve had a couple of nights out and we’ve had a bit to drink but that is it,” I told him.

“And you couldn’t call me during this time?”

“I was giving you the space you asked for.”

“Yeah, alright. But my girlfriend shouldn’t be running around a different fucking country without bothering to tell me what’s going on!”

“THERE’S NOTHING FUCKING GOING ON!”

“Whatever Tash,” he said, lowering his tone. “Just let me know when you decide to dump me so I can start screwing other girls too.”

“That was low, John,” I said, lowering my voice back done. “I haven’t screwed any guys. I haven’t even considered it!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked.

“What is wrong with me? What are you even talking about? It’s coming up for 10 here, meaning it’s about 2 where you are.”

“And?”

“And well, I was really hoping you were talking so much shit because you were fucking wasted again but since it’s so early in the day, I can’t see that being the reason,” I said. “John, I don’t know who you are anymore!”

“I’m the same guy I’ve always been, maybe you’re just opening your eyes to that now.”

“No, you’re not. What happened to the guy who put everything into writing songs, the guy who everyone could trust, the guy I love and who I thought loved me too.”

“People change,” he said, bluntly. We both stayed quiet on the phone for a while and I could hear was his deep breathing.

“John, can you please just tell me what you want?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT, ALRIGHT?” he suddenly shouted down the phone. I took a deep breath, not expecting him to be like that and I didn’t want to continue to talk to him if this was the person he was going to be.

“Well, until you decide, I’m going to continue to give you space, space from you and me and whatever we’re supposed to be,” I told him, calmly.

“So you’re giving up on us?”

“No John, you gave up on us when you couldn’t be bothered to call me. You gave up on us when you told me to come here on my own,” I told him as I felt the tears forming in my eyes. “You gave up on us, not me.”

“OK, blame it all on me,” he yelled again. “Everything’s MY fault, of course,” he continued. “Stop acting like the perfect little princess, Tash and grow up.”

“I need to grow up? OK, whatever. You’re pathetic, John O’Callaghan. I’m done,” I told him. “I can’t do this anymore. You’re not the same person anymore.”

“FINE! This was all one big mistake anyway. I don’t know why I ever thought you were different to any of the other girls I’ve ever met,” he shouted. I could feel my hand holding the phone shaking, as were my legs as I stood in the hallway outside Lizzie and Lucy’s flat. “This all started as a drunken mistake and it never should have been any more than that. Just stay home, I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He spat his final words at me and hung up the call on me. I leaned against the wall as the tears that had formed in my eyes were now falling thick and fast. I felt like an absolute idiot for crying in the hallway but I did want Lizzie and Lucy to hear the full extent of our call. I couldn’t believe it, what had started out as a dream had faded so fast. I guess I was just another notch on his bedpost, but to me he was so much more than that.